please don’t let this love die young,

please don’t let this love die young.

if i’m gonna lose someone,

don’t let it be you.

—

If anyone was to ask her what kind of day did she had a week ago, Yongsun wouldn’t have the slightest idea. She tried to remember, but nothing much came to her mind except the argument that had went down between them in the middle of his podcast’s recording studio. Honestly speaking, she should have felt embarrassed by now that she’d let something like that played out in front of his brother and his entire staff, but it felt ridiculous that she wasn’t the slightest bit embarrassed at all. In a way, she thought they both needed it — Eric needed it.

She did remembered walking into her apartment crying though. The broken sound her own sob and the way she had curled up crying underneath her blankets were enough to startle her sister completely that Yonghee hadn’t tried to ask what happened or to push her to speak. Instead, the older woman had understandingly and quietly left a cup of warm tea on her desk and gave her all the spaces she needed.

The following days had been pretty much the same to her: the same hollow she had carried in her chest for years was still very much there, the solitude she had felt all years round hadn’t magically dissipate into thin air either, and the misery that clang to her like her shadows only seemed to have multiplied by tenfolds. She wondered briefly if perhaps she was the only one struggling through this, or was he also having the same hard time?

She thought she had invested enough time to try and change something, and now it felt almost like there was nothing else for her to do. She had nothing else to lose now, after all, she had said all she had wanted to and done all she had needed to. It was on him to make his own decision now.

The day had moved ridiculously slow, but the week had went by insanely fast. Her days felt pretty much the same without much differences, yet she was genuinely surprised when she checked her calendar that morning and realised another year had almost gone by again. With the same strange gap in her heart, she had spent a fairly long moment of her morning staring at the date on her calendar: May 17th. How was it already that day of the year again, she had no idea. She thought it felt like only yesterday when she had trudged down that path towards that bench and coincidentally bumped into his younger brother at the café.

Truthfully speaking, she didn’t think she would be trudging along that path or visiting that bench again this year. After all, what had transpired just a week ago was enough evident that she should probably learned to move on. He hadn’t say anything, nor had he even reached out ever since that day: she wondered if he even gave it a thought or even bothered coming to a decision at all? If he had, he would have probably contacted her… right?

But sometimes a person’s heart was funny that way: when the head had been screaming at her to stay put and learned to move on, the heart had pushed her to give it another chance.

Over the years, Yongsun had also learned to go with her heart. Perhaps despite her own better judgement, Yongsun eventually found herself once again strolling down that familiar road, drifting aimlessly with an empty head and an empty heart. Since when had she even ended up like this? She remembered vividly a couple of years ago when her only dream then was to make it; to be so successful in the career she had chose and fought for in order to prove those who didn’t believe in her that she could do it, she could be successful despite their better judgements. But now that she was successful, why hadn’t the emptiness and misery leave with that bitter thought? Why had she only seemed to long for something else, something completely different from the dream she initially had?

When she had left her home earlier with a purpose to visit that same old spot for one last time, she hadn’t wanted to bring any more marigolds home, nor had she even expected to find any more marigolds laying abandoned on the bench. She had only wanted to drop by for a short moment, relish in the memories for one last time before perhaps deciding she should learned to close this chapter and moved on for good. 

She hadn’t expected, however, to find a foggy silhouette of somebody standing by the same bench she was approaching. His figure was all too familiar to her even from afar: he was anxiously shuffling his feet against the cold hard grounds, one of his hand remained tucked inside the warmth of his coat, another hand holding onto something she made out to be a beautiful bouquet of marigolds, not a stem left to be isolated by itself again, but an entire bouquet of stunning, blossoming marigolds in its dazzling radiant shades of yellow. 

It was freezing cold, and he didn’t seem to even have gloves or a scarf on him; Yongsun stood and stared from a small distance away, mentally chastising him lightly, a voice echoing in her head that sounded far more endearing than the weight she was bearing in her heart: honestly, when would he ever learned to take better care of himself?

But she began to trudged towards him anyway, tentatively stopping in front of him. She could clearly noticed the way he held his breath, or the sharp intake of breath he had taken the very next moment, or the slight nerves he had swallowed down quickly thinking perhaps she wouldn’t noticed. They both stood, staring at one another without a word, the wind gushing around them almost bitingly cold but neither seemed to quite mind as they stood across from one another.

“Hey,” Eric started first, his voice quiet and gentle like she had always remembered.

“Hey,” she returned the greeting in an equally tranquil voice despite the rapid beating of her heart. “You didn’t tell me you would be here.”

“I thought I’d find you here,” he said and she had expected him to look away, but his eyes remained fixated on her. 

“That’s a surprise, I didn’t expect to find you here at all,” she said in the same softened tone, glad the nerves she was currently feeling hadn’t betrayed her voice. “Why are you here, then?”

He seemed to consider on his next words for a few moments before he extended his arm out, the one holding onto a bouquet of marigolds. Yongsun’s gazes averted to them as well, finding herself charmed by the radiant appearances of the marigolds. “I’ve decided on what I wanted these marigolds to mean for us.”

Yongsun looked at him for a long moment before she quietly reached her hands out to accept the bouquet. She wasn’t sure she had enough strength to utter another word again, fearing that this time around, her nerves would really betrayed her voice. 

But she guessed he probably didn’t need her to say anything yet anyway, because he seemed to continue speaking. “I’m sorry for being such a coward, and for taking so long,” he began. “I had been genuine when I said I’ve always been in love with you, and I won’t deny that I’ve been wanting this just as much. I was just…”

He paused and considered on his words, “scared,” he settled on at last. “I was terrified — of how much hate I’d get you into… of how much hate I’d get myself into. You were right, I had been too scared of what others think that I’ve been living my life trying to please them instead. I believed, parts of the reason that contributed to this fear was probably because I wasn’t confident this would work out between us, and I meant nothing to do with the fans. It was myself I was truly scared about; I was scared I’d let you down one day, that I won’t be able to love you and take care of you as much as you deserve.” Eric sighed, head hanging down like he was ashamed of himself. “I’m sorry I only ended up making things harder for you, all because I was too scared to even acknowledge my own fear.”

Yongsun stared at him, momentarily tongue-tied at how transparent he had just been. She managed to find her voice after a while and quietly uttered, “What are you trying to say exactly?”

She hadn’t meant to torture him any longer or to disregard what he had just said earlier. She thought if she didn’t hear him say it directly, putting it out in plain daylight for her to hear with her own ears right in front of her own eyes, she would probably think this had been parts of her hallucination.   

“I think— no, I’m certain I really want to start learning to live for myself from now on,” Eric only continued to clarify further. “I want to do this with you, Yong. I want to give this a try, no matter the outcomes or the consequences. I want to be able to love you openly no matter how much opinions the world has for us.”

She blinked at the transparency in his words, feeling her eyes welled up with unspoken tears like this was only parts of the wildest dream she had only fantasised about. In a small whisper, Yongsun said, “That’s a lot of wants.”

Eric smiled faintly, something glassy akin to tears seemed to glistened in his own eyes as well, “You have no idea, Yong.”

She hummed quietly; slightly shuffled on her feet anxiously before she chose to timidly step forward towards him. Eric watched her holding onto the bouquet of marigolds tightly in one hand, and fiddling with the end of her scarf nervously with another. 

There was so much hope and doubt all at once spreading over his expression, and she wanted so bad to tip-toed and kissed those emotions away but instead, Yongsun slightly harrumphed and asked, “Just for clarification, are you asking me out?”

Eric laughed then, a delighted sound that she thought would have glittering amongst the snows that had began to fell over them if sound was ever a visible element. She found herself smiling with him too anyway, because his laughter had always been contagious to her, and nothing had ever tranquillised the weight in her chest like his bright laughter could. 

“Yes, I’m asking you out, but,” he said once he had managed to rein in his laughter. His eyes had fixated on hers again, so solemnly this time that the pessimistic thought in her head began to spiral into action once more. “I’m gonna have to go on tour again soon, it might take months or maybe even an entire year. Would you be okay with that— would you wait for me?”

On her parts, Yongsun stayed silent for a few seconds that felt like a lifetime to Eric. When she finally spoke again, there was a sense of fond jesting in her voice, “I’ve waited for you for seven years, you’re worried I won’t wait another couple of months for you?”

Eric chuckled then, any remaining doubts and worry that had been latching onto his facial expression ultimately dissolved into nothing but pure relieve and delight. It didn’t take him much as long when he leaned in to capture her lips in the middle of that empty street in plain daylight, disregarding entirely if they would get caught by anybody or not, the only thing she thought he seemed to care about in that moment was kissing her like they had kissed that night in Atlanta. 

When they had pulled apart, foreheads pressing against one another, Yongsun bit her lower lip to suppress the giggle that threatened to spill out of her lips. “Took you long enough to finally kiss me again.”

He smiled, his voice was barely over a whisper when he responded back, “You have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to all these times.”

Yongsun beamed and leaned in to kiss him first this time, feeling like her chest could blasted in pure happiness if possible at how things had turned out to be in the end. Never in her wildest dream would she had thought it was possible for the familiar hollow in her heart to feel so completed, or the solitude she had been living with to feel so fulfilled like it hadn’t even been there within her in the first place. She thought she might perhaps turned delirious at how ecstatic she could feel that the only thing she could do to direct those euphoria from erupting out of her was to kiss the sense out of him. 

She didn’t care if anybody would catch them, or if they would make it into headlines the next day; all she cared about in that moment was her dream beginning to transpire in front of her very eyes in the place that had once been their happiest spot.

For seven years while she was longing for him, he had been distancing himself away from her in hope that he was doing the right thing to protect the both of them. He was wrong though: all she had needed him to do all along was to be there for her, with her like he had promised.