Y/N

Now I'm certain that Jongin has something to do with why I dove into that lake and the longer I think about it, the more determined I am to find out what really pushed me to do that.

Funny how I'm now acknowledging this stupid ancient version of me as myself.

Back to the main point. I went to the last night, in hopes to get reminded of the time I tried getting rid of myself. Like getting the flashbacks or what. Nothing happened. Even seeing Jongin in that place didn't have any effect. All I know is that I'm sure he plays a big role in this one, since I started getting the flashbacks and voices when I saw him.

The question is why? Why did I do that? I know Kyungsoo said that Jongin is the reason.

But why?

And if it's really Jongin, shouldn't he work on triggering flashbacks?

Or it's not how it should be done?

Should I go ask my friends or colleagues if they know about my 'affair' with Jongin? Nah. Baekhyun wasn't even sure about what he was telling me. If he's my bestfriend, I would've told him and ask him for him to keep it a secret if it's too confidential--like when I gave him my first. Seeing that I never trusted Baekhyun with my relationship with Jongin, it must be really, really a secret.

But where would Baekhyun hear the rumors about our affair if no one has to know about it?

"This is making me insane!" I can't think of anything and I get questions after questions.

Wait. If Jongin wasn't 'effective' and he broke up with me for a reason, then maybe the other party plays a role too? And by other party, I mean Kyungsoo...

I definitely should have a term with what happens to me when I get the flashbacks. Episode? This ain't a drama. Seizure? Well since it attacks me both physically and mentally to the way my head and limbs aches and hallucinations occurring every time it triggers, then I'm calling it a seizure from now on.

I laid down on the 'table' with my arms spread out. I don't actually know what is this thing, it looks like table but we sit on it and put another table on it when we eat our meals. It may sound so-not me, but I do eat my meals with Kyungsoo. I just don't look at him and finish my food first, so I can leave as soon as possible.

"Y/n? Are you there?"

I sat up, scanning the whole place until my eyes found Jongin. He beams at me and waved his hand, the other one holds the reins of his horse standing beside him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, leaving the table quickly and walk up to him.

"I came to tell that I will try giving you some answers once I get back."

"Where are you going?"

"To the palace." he mounted his horse, earning a quiet neigh from the animal. "It will probably take me a while, but can you wait for me?"

"Working on my memories will keep me busy while I wait for you and next then thing I know, you'll be back."

He looks down and sighed sadly.

I arched my head to the side, confused with his reaction. "Jongin? Is everything alright?"

"Of course. It's just... Those words are the ones you told me, before you did what you've done." using the reins, he steers the horse to turn around, suggesting that he's leaving.

It took me few seconds to absorb what he had said and he was getting away, so I started catching up. "Wait, so we've done this before? You asking me to wait for you?"

"I'm giving you them when I'm back, Y/n." he chuckled.

I stopped and pouted, watching the distance between us increasing with each step of his horse takes. Why can't he just give me the answers now, so he doesn't have to leave me curious as hell? Jongin noticed that I became quiet. When he looks back at me, his expression softened upon seeing my face.

He pulled on the reins to stop his horse and said, "I promise to give you answers, as long as you wait for me."

"Okay..."

"Okay," he repeated with a slight nod. "I could answer your questions right now, but I have lots of things in my mind. So please, please wait for me."

Why does he sound so... Sad and desperate? Like he's holding on to me waiting for him because it's what will keep him alive.

"I don't have anywhere to go, Jongin. When you're back, I'll still be here."

"And when I do, I hope you're ready."

I don't understand what he means by that, but chose not to read further. I'll just let him explain everything to me once he's back. Maybe it'll take a while, at least I know my goal of finding myself is progressing.

"I'm going to go now."

"See you then."

I can't do anything but watch him leave me and take my heart with him. If it's really true that we were in a relationship, then he should know that despite losing my memories of it, he has my heart. I could've tell him that, but the other soul with me in this body totally stopped me, or it's at least what I believe as the reason.

I feel like I shouldn't make any promises, not when I don't know who am I and I am a stranger to the past version of myself. I should know better before I open my mouth.

The moment Jongin's horse did a slight turn as if avoiding something, it appears to be Kyungsoo. Even with great distance in between us, I could see the slight pout gracing his lips and apologetic eyes glued on mine. How on earth does he have the audacity to look at me like I'm the one who raised a voice at him when it's the other way around? Reminded of last night, I twirled and was just about to leave when he took long steps so he could catch up to me.

"I'm sorry about last night."

I stopped, giving him a chance to talk, but never turned back to him.

"I didn't mean to yell at you and... What..." he was muttering about the right words to describe his next sentence. "I didn't mean to force those details into your head when you're trying to remember everything little by little."

Okay... That's acceptable. At least I got to the main point in no time thanks to him. Now, the answer to the question 'why' is to look for.

I inhaled deeply before spinning around to face Kyungsoo once again. I was fighting the frown on my face because merely seeing him is already ruining my day. "I'm in the mood for a dip." I said. If Jongin wasn't able to trigger a seizure, then I have to take Kyungsoo to the lake and see if he could.

"I don't understand-" I didn't let him finish and just grabbed his wrist, pulling him with me.

"That means I want to swim."

"There's a river nearby and it's not that deep, there are low chances that we might drown."

"Kyungsoo," I looked over my shoulder and pulled a friendly smile for him. "I want us to spend time together."

And he totally fell for it. "Oh, okay."

It was as if he melted and couldn't carry his own weight when he got heavier for me pull. Merely flustered by that? He's such a fool to easily believe his wife who did nothing but hate him since she woke up. It won't be hard for me to wrap my fingers around him he keeps that up.

We reached the area of the lake and I could feel Kyungsoo suddenly fighting being dragged towards it.

"Y/n... It would be a lot more comfortable if we swim in the river. The water's colder in there than of the lake."

"I'm sure of the lake, Kyungsoo."

"But-"

"Come on, I was never a loving wife to you and I thought it's a good time for us to spend time together and have a swim. It's not everyday that I call myself as your wife so you should cherish it."

"I don't think it's a good idea-"

"I'm not going to drown you no matter how much I hate you. I don't want to leave a record of being a murderer." I continued pulling him towards the lake, walking backwards to keep my eyes on him and make sure he doesn't run away. I have to see if he works.

"Here we are! We should dive and swim and just enjoy the cold water under the scorching sun."

While I'm showing him the way to dive, my feet slipped on the rock by the edge and I yelp. But even before I'd completely lose my balance, Kyungsoo grabs my hand. In one strong tug, I stumbled towards him. Colliding against his sturdy chest, he tripped back a little due to the impact yet he made sure to keep himself still so we don't fall down.

His hand wraps around mine tightly--protectively as his eyes were glued on mine, serious... And for the first time since I got in here, I felt scared of him. The look he gave me, it's like I can never tell him how much I hate him ever again.

"I didn't mean to fall in love with you."

I gasped out loud at the sudden images flashing right before my eyes and voices- my voice, once again corrupting my mind. I could feel how my knees are weakening, shaking until they crashed down the grassy yet rocky ground surrounding the lake.

"Y/n, are you okay?!"

A sharp pain shoots up my brain, making me shriek and my eyes squeezing tightly. I can feel something... Slipping out of me, something is leaving my body as more of what seems like memories are going inside my head.

"No, this is wrong. It should've been him, I should've waited for him!"

When I shifted my gaze and met Kyungsoo's, I got it--what I have been waiting for, the images that I can see when I seize. Only this time, it was a swiftly shifting image of this moment's Kyungsoo and of the one that I think is from the night it happened, implying that we may have been in the same position when I said the same exact words I'm hearing inside my head.

I was having a breakdown, probably blaming myself because... I didn't wait for Jongin?

"I told you this was a bad idea."

I was catching my breath and the pain is slowly subsiding, so does the images blurring and the voice fading away.

"Let's go home." when Kyungsoo pulls me up, that's when I noticed that I have been holding his hand all throughout the entire seizure. I tried taking my hand back but he only tightened his grip. My eyes searched for his own pair, hoping that by glaring would intimidate him but instead, I found myself staring.

I can't seem to take my eyes off him. It's not me, I swear! I still have some hatred for him in me, I'm just too weak to release some because of the seizure and I'm not in the mood to hate him. Not when he's looking at me like that- no!

"I know you're doing this to remember." his thumb carefully brushed on the apple of my cheek. "You don't have to remember. We can just start over so it won't be hard for you."

I didn't even flinch or react at all while his fingertips glides across the side of my face, tucking loose hair strands behind my ear along the way. I want to swat his hand away from touching me, but I can't move my own hand at all and... I'm fine with it? When his palm found itself cupping my jaw, my eyes closed and I sighed deeply. I felt this before... I just can't remember when.

I shouldn't feel this comfortable somewhere near the person that I hate the most, not to mention him touching me with so much intimacy. Maybe it's the past me, taking her body back and my soul is slowly leaving and will be back in the present time! That must be it because I don't feel like myself! This is not me, I don't control this body alone at the moment. Thus, why I felt like a part of me is slipping out while I was seizing and why don't seem to be in the mood to throw any attitude at Kyungsoo.

"Let's get you home, okay? Only when you're completely fine is when we can go for a swim." he bends over and slips a hand to the back of my knees. Next thing I knew is, I'm up in his strong arms and ready to go back home.

People were staring at us, their eyes following each movement of Kyungsoo's foot like it's the first time they've seen something so spectacular. I have been going around the neighborhood, only to tell people how much I hate Kyungsoo and now seeing me being carried in his arms is like swallowing my pride.

The first thing he did once we got home was to go inside