Author's Note:

dedicated to a birthday boy.

you know who you are, happiest birthday.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

How could one know so much about a person yet so little at once?

 

That was the question that began lingering in Jennie’s mind that Friday night during a banquet the company she worked at held. The inquiry would soon continue tantalizing her.

 

Jennie felt queasy, her heart racing erratically as she glanced at the couple walking in her direction.

 

Eventually, she closed her eyes and took in slow breaths. She needed to mollify the anxiety in her chest. This was a formal work event. Even if she felt as though she had died by a thousand cuts, she needed to remain calm and carry on.

 

- - -

 

It all started when Jennie finished university. Graduating with honors all thanks to her strong ambition and perseverance, she was set to nothing but a prosperous career.

 

Even before she graduated, she snatched several job offers. After some research and meticulous pondering, she decided which she’d accept.

 

That was how Jennie found herself in a subway on her way to her first day of work when her mother unexpectedly called.

 

“Jennie-yah, you’ll be starting work today? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Jennie didn’t have the worst relationship with her mother, but it wasn’t the coziest either. Albeit being the only child, Jennie had always been reticent, keeping most things to herself.

 

The old lady still reprimanded her daughter for never telling her anything and Jennie must admit. Maybe phoning her mum from time to time wouldn’t hurt anyone.

 

So Jennie started being more responsive during the call. She explained the tasks she’d have to carry out as a project manager. And when Jennie told her mum the name of the company, her mum let out an audible gasp.

 

“BaeCom? That is Eunbin’s daughter’s corporation.”

 

Jennie shortly came into a realization that the CEO of the firm she would begin working at was a family friend; one could argue, a prominent figure in her childhood.

 

Joohyun Unnie.

 

-

 

The suburbs of Daegu hosted Jennie’s upbringing from the day she inhaled her first breath to the last time she set foot on her house’s front yard before she was officially off to be a university student. The place also reminded her of the loveliest people she had ever met.

 

Enter the Bae’s, a family of four, Joohyun’s family.

 

Mrs Bae and Jennie’s mother went way back. They started off as high school best friends and thankfully, their camaraderie survived several more centuries. So it was no doubt they wanted their children to bond as well.

 

The Bae family also only lived a few houses to their right. It was easy to have picnic playdates and dinner at each other’s houses.

 

For so long, the Bae sisters were like the siblings Jennie never had. The younger of the duo, Jihyun was the same age as Jennie, so automatically they clicked ever since they could barely walk. On the other hand, Joohyun was five years older than them.

 

Nonetheless, the age difference didn’t inhibit the blossoming of a lasting friendship. Of course, there were times pre-teen Joohyun seemed blatantly irritated at the cheekiness of her two elementary student friends.

 

And when Jennie and Jihyun were irresponsible, that was when Joohyun came in – the wiser, more knowledgeable and experienced older sister.

 

Joohyun seemed like she truly cared about the younger two, and she did. She’d help out with homework when she could. She’d give out motherly advice whenever they’d confide with her.

 

Jennie had always been grateful she had her Joohyun Unnie.

 

At one point, Jennie developed a bit of a liking towards the oldest. She didn’t know what to make of it. But it was evident to herself that she had a girl crush. And maybe Joohyun knew as well after the sudden outburst of clinginess fourteen-year-old Jennie displayed towards her. Or maybe it was all the times Jennie’s cheeks heated up whenever she’d lock eyes with the older for a bit too long that made her crush quite apparent.

 

But if Joohyun did take notice, she never mentioned it. Jennie was grateful for that because she hadn’t come to terms with her uality to know what the admiration towards the older girl actually meant. A few years later, when she was in high school, Jennie came out as biual. Thus, she finally comprehended why she was always a gay mess around beautiful women.

 

That never changed, even when she was already in her mid-twenties.

 

-

 

Jennie cursed her frail nerves that were probably visible with her choked demeanor, eyes looking everywhere but at the person in front of her.

 

“Jennie?” She heard when she was on the way to the restroom.

 

After Jennie looked up to see the owner of the soft voice, she tried her hardest to wash off the surprise that was involuntarily plastered on her face.

 

It was Joohyun and she looked nothing but beautiful. A paragon of elegance with the dress shirt neatly tucked in trousers that accentuated her waist and perfect cascades of black locks.

 

“Ah, hello.” Jennie said formally but with the last syllable lingering as she vacillated between addressing her as Joohyun Unnie or Sajangnim.

 

The last time Jennie saw Joohyun was when she was in her first year of high school and Joohyun in her second year of university. Joohyun had visited Daegu for Christmas and it was the last time the Kim’s and the Bae’s had a complete gathering together.

 

For the rest of Jennie’s high school years, Joohyun never visited again. When Jennie entered university, she could finally empathize with the older girl. University assignments embezzled any chance of Jennie coming back home.

 

And so the only contact with the Bae’s she had along the four years of university was through her parents, where her mother and Mrs Bae would meet up from time to time and Jennie greeting her through the phone.

 

Even with Jihyun whom she had evanescently grown apart from in high school, she hadn’t kept in contact, not even through social media. Thus, it was justified how Jennie didn’t know how to act around her new CEO who used to be one of the closest people in her life yet also someone she hadn’t seen in seven years.

 

A small smile made its way on Joohyun’s face after Jennie’s greeting and Jennie hoped she didn’t notice her conspicuous hesitancy.

 

“It’s been a while.” Joohyun changed the subject. “How’re your parents?”

 

“They’re still in Daegu. They’re doing well.”

 

“Glad to hear that.” Another wholehearted smile. “And you’ve graduated? Congratulations!” Joohyun said with a big and genuine smile.

 

“Well, that’s how I was able to land a job here.”

 

“I’m happy that you chose us. It’s your first day, right?” Joohyun asked and Jennie nodded.

 

It was the next few words that brought a warm feeling to Jennie’s heart.

 

“Jennie-yah.” Even after so long, the nickname slipped from Joohyun’s mouth so easily, it sent Jennie chills. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to tell me.”

 

And maybe that planted the seed of Jennie feeling like her high school self again with an inane little crush.

 

-

 

A few days after, a little bit before lunch break, a woman came up to Jennie while she was in the middle of working on today’s tasks.

 

“Bae Sajangnim wants to meet up with you for lunch.”

 

That’s how she found herself in one of the restaurants in the company with her CEO in front of her.

 

“I’ve been wanting to catch up with you, but I kept having meetings the past few days. I’m thankful I have today free.” Joohyun started after they exchanged pleasantries.

 

“Expected from our CEO” Jennie responded with a shy smile, still tentative about the way she should speak with the older woman. “It’s really impressive.”

 

Joohyun hummed while looking at the menu, questioning what Jennie meant.

 

“You’re still so young and you’ve achieved so much, Unnie.”

 

Jennie had only noticed the last word slipping from her tongue when it was already spoken. However, maybe the formalities never actually mattered.

 

Jennie saw Irene’s lips lifting to reveal a smile.

 

“You’re not so bad yourself. I read your resume. Graduated at the top of your class while juggling internships and extracurriculars.”

 

Jennie fought the urge to blush, yet still, it crept across her face.

 

She decided to be a bit more brazen. After all, when was Jennie Kim not confident? “Can never compare to you, though, Unnie.” She stated extra sweetly with a smirk.

 

Joohyun shook her head as if to reprove Jennie but the grin and laugh that came out were playful. “You’re being too much now.”

 

-

 

Talking to Joohyun, Jennie discovered, was actually pretty easy. It was like seven years had never passed and they were still in school in Daegu.

 

The conversation flowed smoothly as they conversed about several things. They reminisced as they talked about their families, and they both felt guilty and convicted talking about how their studies and work had been keeping them so busy they hadn’t been able to keep in touch with the people closest to them.

 

If Jennie once admired Joohyun when they were younger, she adored the CEO now more than ever before - the way Joohyun carried herself and the power she always exuded coupled with the congenial feeling that she radiated.

 

The one hour of lunch dissipated without them noticing. Joohyun jumped when the sound of an alarm blared from her phone. Jennie couldn’t help but laugh as the older had her hand placed on her chest, mouth dramatically agape taking slow breaths.

 

“Gosh, I almost had a heart attack.”

 

“The effects of old age kicking in already?” Jennie instantly received a well-deserved swat on her hand.

 

-

 

Jennie and Joohyun continued having lunch together, never getting bored of each other’s company as the conversations always carried on effortlessly. It was when Joohyun didn’t have meetings with clients or investors, certainly. However, whenever the CEO was free, after getting Jennie’s number, she’d immediately text the younger to come with her to eat.

 

Thus, every day, Jennie found herself anticipating for her phone to buzz with a notification before noon. And when she didn’t, she would feel a bit sadder than she should be.

 

-

 

One day, the universe decided that Joohyun and Jennie’s interactions shouldn’t merely be confined to lunch meetings (or dates? Jennie questioned) and subtle flirty texts here and there.

 

Joohyun texted Jennie asking her if she could accompany her to a little company gathering with some of the managers and directors. Well, in reality, Joohyun practically begged her to.

 

At first, Jennie was hesitant and apprehensive at the thought of her, a new employee, joining a gathering with the higher-ups. But, Joohyun kept pleading and said she’d treat her for dinner afterwards.

 

Anything you’re craving Joohyun added.

 

The thought of spending more time alone with Joohyun and free food made Jennie acquiesce.

 

-

 

“It’s just formalities.” Joohyun explained as they walked towards the entrance of the hotel. “We don’t have to stay for dinner, we’ll leave after I get to meet up with everyone.”

 

“Must be annoying to have to attend all these useless events when you could be doing something more productive.”

 

“Well, that’s just part of the job.” From the second Jennie and Joohyun entered the secluded restaurant, people approached them. To greet Joohyun, of course.

 

Joohyun and a woman that looked like she was in her forties were engaged in polite small talk when Jennie got an outburst of notifications from her group chat.

 

Jennie finally going on a date with Irene?

 

FINALLY

 

Took her forever

 

Yass get it Jen!

 

Go get your sugar mommy <3

 

As Jennie was reading her three friends bizarre messages, Jennie heard the woman ask Joohyun about someone. A man? Jennie wasn’t paying attention.

 

She was too busy with her phone to also discern Joohyun’s sudden discomfort because of the topic, taking wary glances towards Jennie.

 

-

 

They had just settled in Joohyun’s car and the older only beginning to start the engine when Jennie noticed how worn out she looked. Joohyun’s shoulders were slightly more bowed than usual and her expression not as bright as when they arrived.

 

“We don’t have to go get dinner if you don’t want to.”

 

“Oh, do you want to go home?” Joohyun spared a short glance towards Jennie before she had her eyes back on the road.

 

Jennie noticed a slight frown revealing on Joohyun’s face.

 

“No no.” Jennie immediately responded. “But you seem tired, Unnie. you should get some rest.”

 

Joohyun sighed but nodded. Then, it seemed like an idea appeared on her mind. “Do you maybe want to just come over to my apartment and order take-out?”

 

A pang of nervousness lanced through Jennie at the offer. It was stupid but she was feeling a bit anxious about coming to Joohyun’s home for the first time. Nonetheless, she quickly settled her nerves and smiled reassuringly. “Sure.”

 

-

 

After a bit of an awkward start to dinner (Jennie’s unwarranted nerves about being in Joohyun’s apartment kicked in once again), they got along just fine as they usually did.

 

It was 11 pm. They were both settled down on the couch, watching their second movie of the night. It was a light rom-com, but nothing about the actual ambience surrounding them was light. There was an odd tension between the two, the reason that encumbered a conversation from transpiring.

 

Jennie, wanting to dissipate whatever it was that created an uneasy atmosphere between them, spoke first. “This reminds me of the old times.”

 

Joohyun hummed, letting Jennie elaborate.

 

“We used to have movie nights together when we were kids.” When Jennie finally looked at Irene, she noticed the older woman was already staring at her.

 

“Right. But, I’m glad it’s just the both of us right now.”

 

And that was when Jennie felt a hand on her thigh. She was unsure if it was that or what Joohyun had just said that left shivers down her spine.

 

Jennie didn’t know if she wanted to reprimand or praise herself for wearing a mini dress that enabled Joohyun to roam her bare skin. Jennie averted her gaze, biting her lips nervously.

 

Jennie only then discerned the proximity between them. The sofa was big enough for four, but there they were, seated right next to each other in the middle, leaving solely one or two centimeters between their shoulders.

 

“God, I used to be so clingy towards you.” Oh god, why would Jennie say that? In truthfulness, feeling Joohyun’s hand somewhere quite intimate had made Jennie’s mind all over the place. She didn’t know how to respond, so words fell out of her lips without her thinking.

 

“That’s why you’re Jendeukie, isn’t it? My Jendeukie.” Joohyun’s tone was supposed to be entirely playful. Nonetheless, there was a dangerous glint in her orbs that conveyed something much deeper than harmless teasing.

 

Jennie was finally bold enough to have her gaze back on Joohyun. “Yours? Excuse me, but I’m my own woman CEO Bae.”

 

“Wouldn’t middle school Jennie be glad to hear me say that?” Joohyun said slowly as if trying to be careful. “Isn’t that why you were so clingy?”

 

Jennie felt her cheeks flush, not expecting Joohyun to bring up that embarrassing moment from her childhood, but what was more unexpected was the next thing Joohyun said.

 

“What about right now?”

 

Joohyun’s fingers softly yet firmly gripped Jennie’s chin to guide the younger to look at her.

 

Jennie gulped when she discerned how close Joohyun’s face was to hers and how intently her eyes were fixed on her. Nonetheless, Jennie easily proceeded to reply with coy. “Hmm? What are you talking about, Unnie?”

 

No verbal response came from Joohyun. Instead, she maintained some time to display a smirk. Then quickly, she took one of Jennie’s cheeks in her hand, leaned forward and connected their lips.

 

It felt good. It felt right. Jennie only took a second to reciprocate, tangling her hands in Joohyun’s locks, deepening the kiss. Any tension they endured before had entirely evaporated.

 

Then one thing led to the other and they found themselves on the king-size in Joohyun’s bedroom, being the most intimate they had ever been.

 

Only after Jennie had fallen asleep did Joohyun opt to check her phone and dialed the number of the man who had made several missed calls that night.

 

- - -

 

Jennie had never felt more things at once. Embarrassed. Angry. Regretful. Disappointed. Anxious.

 

“Honey.” Jennie heard Joohyun say, though it wasn’t directed at her. “This is Jennie, one of our new project managers.”

 

Joohyun had her usual stoic face on, but as her gaze was everywhere but on Jennie, the younger knew Joohyun was at least slightly bothered with the situation as well.

 

“Jennie-ssi, this is my husband.”

 

The confirmation of the man being Joohyun’s partner was enough to shatter Jennie’s heart into pieces. Thus, she didn’t think the sudden use of honorifics (when they were unequivocally past that) could torment her even more. But, it did.

 

After an hour of trying her hardest to get through the work event, an hour of fighting the urge to break down any second in front of all her colleagues, Jennie received the text she was unconsciously waiting for.

 

Jennie-yah, meet me in my office?

 

Jennie didn’t want to see Joohyun yet. Her heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. But, she then found herself outside the room before she realized, her feet moving at their own accord.

 

When Jennie opened the door, she saw Irene spring up from the desk immediately. Although the action was a bit abrupt, Joohyun was calm. That was something Jennie couldn’t comprehend – how Joohyun maintained her perfect equanimity at all times, even then, when Jennie’s whole world felt like it was crashing down.  

 

“Jennie, let me explain.”

 

Jennie wasn’t having it. “I probably seem so pathetic to you, don’t I?” Jennie cut her off, though with unsolicited vulnerability in her tone.

 

“Jennie-yah…” It dawdled on Joohyun’s lips. The nickname that had usually made Jennie’s heart pound now felt nothing but a liability. Joohyun moved closer towards Jennie only for the younger to step backwards, making the distance between them even bigger.

 

Joohyun sighed evidently.

 

“What do you take me as?” Jennie spitedt back. “A stupid side chick?” It grew difficult to keep her emotions in check. Her voice raised, eyes began to water, breaths unsteady.

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

That answer meant nothing to Jennie, though. She laughed humorously. “But I guess I really am an idiot.”

 

Joohyun tried again. She took desperate but calculated steps towards the younger and attempted to hold her hands, but Jennie wouldn’t give in and pulled away.

 

“Baby…”

 

Jennie had had it. She couldn’t stand Joohyun’s tranquil demeanor when the situation they were in was nowhere near that. “Don’t ing call me that!” She yelled and before she knew it, tears began travelling down from her eyes like a perpetual stream.

 

It seemed like Joohyun was too stunned to respond. She knew she was walking on eggshells. It was best she kept quiet for at least a bit.

 

Jennie heaved a sigh and made an effort to allay her temper. Maybe her shouting was a little too much. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

 

Again, Joohyun was silent. For the first time, her gaze had set away from Jennie’s, her demeanor discomfited and ashamed.

 

A bitter smile found its way onto Jennie’s lips again, trying her best to suppress the sobs that were still coming out of her. “I’m so dense. How was I that oblivious?”  

 

And, certainly, no answer ensued from the older woman who looked just like a guilty child who did something without their parents’ permission. Except, what Joohyun did was far worse.

 

“What are we even?” She pleaded as her voice cracked. She was unsure because they never talked about labels, but they had shared moments too personal and intimate to dismiss what had been going on between them, right? “I honestly don’t get it. But, I guess I must mean so little to you since you wouldn’t even be honest and tell me you were married.”

 

Jennie’s pair of orbs stared straight at Joohyun’s, adjuring for an explanation. Then, she obtained it.

 

“Jennie, you have to know.” Joohyun was still a lot calmer than Jennie, but she couldn’t hide the remorse and despondence in her voice – finally, a defect in her cool composure. “You mean the world to me. Ever since we were kids growing up in that small neighborhood in Daegu. You’re family to me. More than that man could ever be.”

 

Jennie was far from satisfied with Joohyun’s response. She would had said something, wanting to hiss out a scornful remark so Joohyun could feel an iota of Jennie’s hurt, but witnessing the escalating desperation in the older’s eyes halted her.

 

“And after years of living this grandiose yet hollow and meaningless life, you came back to me. With the little time we’ve been together again, you’ve already shown me how much I’ve been missing all this time. I’ve been really happy these days.”

 

The corner of Joohyun’s lips curled into a sad smile, reminiscing the moments they spent together. However, quickly, Joohyun was brought back to reality it seemed.

 

And there it was. A sole tear fell out of Joohyun’s eyes before more spilled down her cheeks.

 

Jennie never had thought Joohyun could look so small and fragile. Hence, even though she was already broken before, it pained her even more seeing Joohyun this way.

 

“I’m sorry for not telling you the truth, for wanting you amidst all this.” Joohyun stared at Jennie imploringly. “But Jennie, please.” As though she was impoverished of the strength to speak louder, she whispered. “Please don’t leave.”

 

Joohyun didn’t know Jennie would never have the heart to leave. For a moment, Jennie couldn’t utter a word, still processing what had been happening. Nonetheless, it was already decided. Jennie would do anything to dispel Joohyun’s sadness.

 

So she took Joohyun’s hands in hers and she also spoke in a hushed tone. “Okay.” As if she wasn’t crying herself just less than a minute ago, Jennie reached up to wipe Joohyun’s tears before embracing the older woman in her arms. “I won’t.”

 

For Joohyun, Jennie would do so much, even if it meant hurting, if it meant becoming a mess. For Joohyun, Jennie would ruin herself a million little times.