Chapter 11

Jessica just finished her last schedule for the day. She sits inside the van while staring at her phone’s screen. Her eyes keep looking at the date of the last chat she received from Taeyeon. It has been a week since they last talked. She positioned her hands to type a new message but pauses when hesitation comes over her. In the end, Jessica just puts away the device and leans her head on the window with a heavy sigh. I need my time alone. I can’t see you. Not now. Those were Taeyeon’s last words to her. She shut her eyes; feeling guilty. It was during the night of the party at the pub, Taeyeon confessed to her.

“I think…I’m in love with you.” After hearing those words, Jessica pulled back her hands and took a step back. Taeyeon turns around rather slowly. The tear stains on her face was still visible. “I love you.” She said, as if she was about to cry again for the second time. Jessica stood silently. Her face showed anxiousness. “Jessica?” Taeyeon stepped closer to her but Jessica immediately distanced herself. It made the bartender confused.

“W-what’s wrong?” Taeyeon asked. Jessica’s eyes began to tear up on its own. She looked at the older woman standing in front of her. “I can’t…be with you.” She said, her own voice were shaking as she spoke those words. Taeyeon stared at her. Pain was clear in her eyes. “I-I don’t understand…” Jessica shook her head. She clenched her fists.

“Taeyeon…I’m an idol. This..is…wrong.” She took a deep breath. “We can’t be together. It won’t work.”  

“We…we…no one needs to know. We can keep it a secret!” Taeyeon tried convincing her as she approached her. But out of panic and sadness, Jessica reacted by pushing her away, forcing Taeyeon to stood a distance away from her. “No, we can’t! I don’t love you, okay!?” Jessica shouted. “I was confused when I was Tiffany! That…that doesn’t mean I like girls! I’m not like that! I’m not a…freak!”  She yelled. It was too late when she realized what she had said.

A single tear dropped down Taeyeon’s face while she stared at Jessica with a painful expression. “So, I’m a freak?” Taeyeon chuckled dryly. She held her chest. Oh, is it possible to feel this much pain without having any heart complications? Or is it her mind that made her felt this way? She laughed and stopped. As if she went insane. “This is what it feels like. Love…hurts.” She kept laughing while crying.

Jessica shook her head. “That’s not what I meant.” She reached her hand to touch Taeyeon but this time, she was refused. “No, I understand exactly what you meant, Jessica.” Taeyeon never felt so much regret to let herself vulnerable. She never should have talked about her past. She never should have showed her weakness. She never should have showed her pain. She never should have been in love. Love is a weakness. Taeyeon felt foolish to believed that it would turn into happiness.

“Taeyeon, I’m sorry.” Jessica apologized without realizing she was crying too. But the apology meant nothing to Taeyeon anymore. “Go home.” She said. Jessica did not say a word. She stay rooted on the spot. She did not want to leave. Taeyeon felt frustrated. “I said go home! Leave me!” She spoke with such anger and sadness at the same time. Jessica had no choice. She turned around towards the door and left in tears. The rooftop was filled with silence. Taeyeon took the beer bottle and threw it on the wall. The glasses shattered into pieces just like her heart. She slowly dropped into her knees. Tears kept falling down her face.

“Jessica? Jessica? Jessica!” The brunette woke up. Seulgi is staring at her worriedly. Jessica looks outside to see that they are already in front of the dorm’s building. She must have fallen asleep while she was waiting for Seulgi to get back from the cafe earlier. She rubs her tired eyes while straightening her back. Seulgi sighed heavily. “You look pale.” She said. Jessica gives a weak smile. “I’m fine.” She lied. But her manager knows that she is not fine.

“It’s been a week, Jessica. You can’t keep blaming yourself.” Seulgi said. After the incident, Jessica was in a mess. She was crying non-stop for hours in the van while Seulgi tried to calmed her down. She knew what happened between Taeyeon and Jessica that night. It was such a hard thing for her to faced too. Jessica is her friend. Seeing how heart-broken she is, Seulgi could not help but feel sad as well.

“I’m okay, Seulgi. You don’t have to worry about me.” Jessica said.

“No, you’re not. I’ve been watching you. You’ve been quiet. Too quiet. You’re not eating. You haven’t slept for days. I heard you…crying inside the toilet on the set yesterday. You’re not fine.” Seulgi lowered her head with a heavy sigh. Jessica stays silent. At this point, she is just lying to herself; telling her that she will move on without troubles.

“It is…my fault, Seulgi.” She smiled with teary eyes. “I was too scared that I…hurt her. How can I forgive myself?” She said with a shaky tone. Seulgi immediately reaches to hold her hand firmly.

“Listen to me, it’s not your fault. You’re just…doing what’s right.” She tried comforting her.

“Am I?” Jessica took a deep breath in. “Am I really…doing the right thing?” Tears escaped from her eyes uncontrollably. “Calling her a freak and pushing her away? Hurting her…for loving me…was it the right thing to do?” Her head dropped low as she cried. Seulgi quickly embraces her tightly. She has no words to say. Nothing that she says can fix Jessica’s heart anyways. She can only hug her, letting her cry in her shoulders.

**

Taeyeon keeps stumbling on her steps as she heads to a familiar house. She can barely reaches the front door without falling onto her face. With an annoyed grunt, she knocks several times. She could have used the door-bell but she is far too drunk to even remember its’ existence. Soon, she hears footsteps from the inside. The porch’s light turns on and the door is open wide; revealing the owner of the house. “Again?” Taeyeon looks up to see Yuri standing in front of her.

“Yul...Yuri! Kwon Yuri!” Taeyeon drunkenly called her friend and embraced her. Yuri could immediately smell the scent of alcohol on Taeyeon’s clothing. No words come out of , only a heavy sigh. “Y-Yul, I miss you… You- you didn’t answer…my call.” Taeyeon spoke in a sulky tone. Of course, the sober Taeyeon would never used that tone.

“I’m aware that you called me…during my meeting, Tae.” Yuri answered plainly. Taeyeon takes a step back. She looks at her tall friend from head to toe. A smirk appears on her lips as she pushes Yuri inside the house; kicking the door shut with her leg. She pins the woman onto the wall while breathing heavily. Yuri remains calm despite having Taeyeon running her finger on her bare lap.

“I’ve…been…thinking…a lot about you.” Taeyeon wrapped her arms around Yuri’s waist. “I miss you…” She said as she leaned closer to Yuri.

“You miss Jessica.” The mentioned of that name made Taeyeon halts. She chuckles dryly. The chuckles soon turn into somewhat of a sad laughter. She pushes herself away from Yuri causing her to fall onto the floor. Yuri did not offer any help. Instead, she stares coldly at her pathetic friend. “If you come here to use me, you can forget about it. I don’t treat a heartbroken woman.”

“I…I’m not ing heartbroken.” Taeyeon tries standing up but Yuri lightly kicks her shoulder that she falls back down. It made her infuriated. “What the is wrong with you!?” She yelled.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you!?” Yuri shouted. “Look at you! You’re a ing mess! You haven’t come to work for a week now! You got drunk every day! You showed up at my house and expect me to take care of your stupid heart! Kim Taeyeon, get a grip!” She said with a raised tone. Taeyeon gets back onto her feet. She heavily breathes as she attempts to throw a punch at Yuri. Yuri simply takes a step aside and pushes Taeyeon to the wall with only one hand.

“Let go…of me!” Taeyeon attempted to shove Yuri away but instead the taller woman hold onto her jacket’s collar. She stares at her intensely. “I said get the off me!” Taeyeon screamed but it was ignored. Yuri did not let her go. Taeyeon starts to shout and groan while trying to pry Yuri’s hands away from her. But it was no use. Kwon Yuri is way stronger than her. Her drunkenness made her weaker too. Finally, Taeyeon stops trying to escape. She lowers her head as she cries silently. “I…hate it. I hate that…even though she hurts me…so badly…I still miss her…like crazy.”

Yuri sighs before letting go of  Taeyeon. “Come on, I’ll bring you to bed.” She spoke softly. She escorts her friend upstairs to her bedroom. Once they are there, Yuri helps Taeyeon to lay on the bed. She pulls the blanket to keep Taeyeon warm whom has fallen asleep with tear stains on her face. Yuri gently closes the door to let her rest peacefully before tiredly going downstairs to grab her phone. A woman walks out of the kitchen. Yuri turns to the side and gives an apologetic smile.

“Sorry about Taeyeon, Fany-ah.”

“It’s alright.” Tiffany gave a reassuring smile. The two sit back down on the couch.

“We’re supposed to finish the work by tonight. Our time got wasted because of my friend.” Yuri sighed heavily as she reviewed the paper-work on the coffee table. They are currently having a meeting for the opening of Yuri’s third restaurant branch. Tiffany has been hired to manage that branch after working with Yuri with her first and second restaurants.

“I don’t mind. Besides, I know what it feels like…to be heart-broken.” Tiffany faked a chuckle. Yuri turns away from the paper-work and looks at Tiffany with curiosity. The woman realized the stare she is receiving. “You want me to talk about it.”

“If you’re willing to say about it.” Yuri replied. Tiffany smiles and takes a deep breath as she straighten her back. Her eyes looking else-where instead of Yuri. “Let’s just say, I was like that once. I was in love. I was also heart-broken. Seeing your friend…reminded me how I was in that dark place years ago.” She gave another smile before looking back to the paper works on the table. Yuri remained silent for a minute.

“I should’ve stopped her.” She spoke. “Maybe if she didn’t say anything about her feelings, it would’ve spare the heart-break.” Yuri chuckled dryly. “I mean it’s complicated, Jessica’s an idol.” The mentioned of a familiar name made Tiffany’s heart sunk. Jessica. Last time she saw her was that day; when she walked out and left her behind. She never look back. Not even a glance. Staying apart from each other was for the best, she thought. But it seems fate has given her a duty. She has to know what is really going on.

As night falls deeper, Yuri decided to end the meeting. The tanned woman offered a ride home but Tiffany insisted on going home by herself. Yuri was worried but she knew how independent her friend is. After bidding each other goodbyes, Tiffany walks to the nearest bus stop. A car is waiting for her. She approaches the vehicle parked on the other side of the road and goes into the passenger seat. She turns to the side; looking at the familiar face she has long not seen.

“It’s been a long time.” Tiffany greeted. “I’m here for a favor.”

**

“Great work.” The interviewer smiled as he gave a pat on Jessica’s shoulder. She smiled before heading towards the trailer designated for her. Upon entering, she was welcomed by complete silence. Seulgi must be outside somewhere to pick up her lunch. Jessica quietly goes to sit down. She looks at her phone only to see no new messages. It aches her heart even more so but she saw the last text she received from Taeyeon. Despite not talking for almost two weeks now, Jessica felt like it has been forever. Her mind kept repeating the same scene over and over again; Taeyeon’s heart-broken expression.

“This is what it feels like. Love…hurts.” A single tear goes down Jessica’s cheek. She quickly wipes it away; not wanting to ruin her make-up. But no matter how much she tries, the tears won’t stop. Seulgi has been telling her that it was not her fault. Yet, it felt like so. She cannot lie to herself. She knew, she had hurt Taeyeon. She ruined the bond they’ve built. All for one reason; she was a coward, she thought.

Suddenly, there’s a knocking on the door. Jessica quickly got up to look for tissues. “W-wait a minute!” She shouted as she wiped away the tear stains on her face. She cannot be seen in that state. “Come in.” She spoke after making sure she looks good enough to not be notice she had just cried. The door opens and a person walks in. Jessica took a silent, deep-breath and turns around with a force smile.

“Hey! How can I…” Her expression changed. She stayed frozen on the spot as the person in front of her could only smile.

“Hey, Jess.” Tiffany greeted. Jessica could not utter a word. How can she? The woman she fell in love in the past is standing in front of her after going missing from her life for years. Her knees went weak. Her rapid heart-beat is deafening her. As if the world was spinning around her. “T-Tiffany…” She stumbles backwards but Tiffany is quick to catches her on time. The moment Jessica could feel the warmth of Tiffany’s body, she knows she was not hallucinating. It was real. Tiffany is here. 

“Tiffany…I…” Jessica tried talking but Tiffany shook her head, telling her to stay silent. She helps her to sit down and goes ahead to take water bottle. “Here, drink first.” She said once she opened the cap. Jessica did as she told. It took a while for the singer to calm her nerves. Tiffany silently waited for her to process what was happening. Well, it was a shocking event. She has been away from Jessica’s life for years and suddenly she showed back up without a notice. It was fortunate enough that Jessica did not faint.

“I’m sorry for…suddenly being here.” Tiffany apologized. Jessica could only nodded. She did not dare to look at her in the eyes. Of course, the other realizes that. She sadly smiles. “You did it. You’re doing well.” She said. The words were painful to hear, at least for Jessica. She lowers her head. “Stop saying that.”

“I mean it. You’ve debuted. You’ve reached your dreams. You made it.”

“No…No, I’m not.” Jessica shook her head. Tiffany stares at her. “Jess…you don’t need to say those. You…deserve this. You got want you want.” Instead of feeling appreciation from the praises, Jessica felt rage and guilt exploded out of her. She slammed her hands on the table.

“I am miserable!!” She shouted with full of anger. “Stop saying I deserved all of this…after you…you left me!!” She broke down into tears as she slowly sat back down. “You left…and it was my fault… I wasn’t good enough.” She sniffled.

Tiffany looks at her as she, too, is trying hard to hold back her tears. “It was my fault, Jess. Not yours.”

“Oh, spare that sympathy for someone else. I know it’s my fault.” Jessica responded.

“No!” Tiffany raised her voice. She breathes out heavily to calm herself. “I decided to leave because it was my choice, stop telling me that it was your fault. I was the one who chose it. Not you, not anyone else.” She leans forward to hold Jessica’s hand. “Listen to me, I came here not to blame you for what happened in the past. I’m here because…I’ve been a coward for far too long.”

“How can you call yourself that…You were always the brave one.” Jessica cried out.

“No, I’m not. I was a coward.” Tiffany tighten her hold on Jessica’s hand. “I was the one who left you. I was the one who…made a choice to hurt you. I was heart-broken, Jess. I hated myself for leaving you. But, I knew if I didn’t, things would’ve been worse. I know…it was still not an excuse for me…to treated you badly back then. I was too scared of everything that…I let you held that burden on your own. I…I’m sorry.” Finally, tears begin flowing down on her own cheeks. “I’m sorry for everything.” Tiffany apologized once more.

Jessica could no longer hold back her cries. She broke down completely; not caring if she was heard by the outsiders. Tiffany quickly goes to embraces her tightly in her arms. She, too, let the years of pain out. The more she hears Jessica’s cries, the tighter she held her. It was the only thing she could do. Hold her. Let her cry. Be there for her after going missing for years. It was what they needed. A proper closure from each other’s pains.

**

“My makeup is ruin.” Jessica sniffled. Tiffany chuckles as she helps the singer to wipe off the wet mascara from her face. Jessica takes the time to stare at her ex-lover. She has changed. She looks mature. Her hair is longer than it used to be. She loses weight too. She is more beautiful than ever. She then realizes a tattoo on Tiffany’s arm. “You have a tattoo now?” She bluntly spoke.

“Ah…several of them.” Tiffany smiled as she showed some tattoos on her fingers. Jessica holds her hand as she takes a closer look at it. She smiles unconsciously. “These tattoos reminded me…of someone.” She chuckles sadly. Taeyeon. She, too, tatted in several areas of her body. Her favorite was the one at the back of her neck. It made her wanted a tattoo of her own despite knowing her fears for needles.

“Kim Taeyeon.” The mentioned of the name made Jessica to looked at Tiffany in shock. “How did you know her name?” She asked.

“Kwon Yuri is my boss. For the past two weeks, her friend, Taeyeon has been barging into her house. She was completely wasted. She was heart-broken and she has been trying to get rid of it. I’ve been a spectator for a while now until…I knew the one who broke her heart was you. But I think…there’s more to this, isn’t it?” Tiffany stared at Jessica, looking for the answer she has been hiding.

“There’s nothing more to it, Tiff.” Jessica inhaled deeply. “I broke her heart. I was too scared of my own feelings that I rather hurt her than admit to it.”

Tiffany held her shoulders. She looked into her eyes. “Jess, when I left, I was in a dark place. My heartbreak almost ruined my life. Yuri pulled me out of there. She took me in and cared for me. I was healed. But…you’re still stuck in the same darkness. Taeyeon too.” She paused to let Jessica sink in the words she said. “Love is terrifying. But, what’s more terrifying is not doing anything about it.”

“Tiff, you were there. You know what will happen…if I let my feelings get the best of me.” Jessica said as she held back her tears again.

“I know the risks.” Tiffany nodded. “But, I also know those risks you’ll take after this…would be worth it. Jess, you said it yourself, you’re miserable. She is the same as you. You both needed this. You two deserved to be together. Whatever comes afterwards, at least you won’t be alone. I chose a new path. It’s time…you do the same.”

**

Taeyeon stands in front of an apartment unit. She takes a deep breath before pressing the door-bell. She can hear the sounds of faint footsteps coming from inside. Soon, the door opens. She looks at the woman standing a few inches away from her. “Hyeri.” She called softly. Hyeri remained silent as she stares at Taeyeon.

“I have nowhere to go.” Taeyeon spoke with a low voice. “I don’t know what to do.” She lowers her head, as if she was a lose child. Hyeri smiles before reaching out to take Taeyeon’s hand. She pulls her gently inside before closing the door behind them.

“I knew you’ll come back eventually.” Hyeri smiled as she pushed Taeyeon down onto the bed. She starts taking off her clothes; revealing herself fully in front of Taeyeon. “You can never get rid of me…no matter how much you try. You have always been mine.” She whispered as she caressed Taeyeon’s cheek lovingly. She leans forward to kisses her passionately.

Taeyeon has no plan of stopping herself. It was better for her to savor an old, toxic love than having to hope for a new, hopeless one. She has no reason to continue loving the woman named Jessica Jung.

To be continued.

Hey, an update (finally). Sorry it took me long to finished this. I've been either busy with work or sick these past few weeks. Thanks for the subs and votes, appreciated it as always. Feel free to comment on your thoughts about this. :)