God Help the Girl

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i.

“Winter, we’re going to church this Sunday yah,” my umma announced when she heard me duck inside the house. I walked down the hall and peered over the kitchen where she was making dinner. “Of course, mom. I never miss out on church.” Appa was in the living room watching television.

She was about to say something but I beat her to it—by running upstairs to my room.

It has been always like this.

They are your typical straitlaced, catholic, asian parents who are very conservative. I remember the day they kicked my sister out when she came out to us on her 18th birthday—they don’t even want me to talk to her anymore, any type of communication with her has been cut off.

I still keep in touch to her though—in secret. She’s currently working as an accountant in her girlfriend’s company.

I wish I had unnie’s freedom. She can do whatever she wants, love whoever..

Love whoever.

I sighed, dumping my bag on one of the bean bags which were sprawled across the floor and I laid on my bed. “If only I’m brave enough to come out.” I heard myself say.

“Winter!” I heard my mom call me, “Dinner’s in 30!”

Groaning, I reached from by bed a small box whom I treasure the most. It’s what I call my sapphic stash. These are the gay stuff my unnie left me. She jokingly told me that this is gonna be her heirloom to me.

I smiled in delight as I saw movie posters from But I’m A Cheerleader (2003), Bloomington (2010), Spider Lilies (2007), and some more. There were CDs too from singers like tAtU, series and series like The L Word.

I watched all of them in secret and they actually helped me in discovering my uality. Ever since I was young—I used to watch shows and tell unnie how Shego and Kim look good together and she’d agree with me—or how we find Britney Spears hot in her Toxic music video. Unnie knows everything—that’s why when I came out to her she was happy for me but at the same time apologetic. Because all the pressure and expectations are now on me since she left our family years ago.

“Minjeong-ah, I’m sorry. I should’ve been selfless. I should’ve thought of you first. Now it’s hard for you to come out.” I saw her frown when we met on our bi-monthly (pun intended.. for her) lunch-get-together. I laughed her off.

“Don’t worry about it, unnie. it will be okay. Minjeongie will find a way.” I smiled at her.

Truth be told, I didn’t really have plans. Unnie did tell me that I’m always welcome to her and Tiffany-unnie’s place. I’m somewhat grateful that I have a plan B but—I can’t forget how the news about my unnie broke my parents. Ever since she left, my parents barely talk to each other anymore, it’s like—they’re blaming themselves for unnie’s current… condition.

So I tried my best to make best of the current situation by being in the top of my class. I graduated high school as valedictorian, got into an ivy league school, won awards, and even took business classes in order for me to help with our business. I became what they dreamt of unnie.

I took the responsibility of being her.

But I barely go to church these past few weeks because of a certain someone.

Her name’s Kim Minju. She’s a friend of mine back in high school- we were close, we were in the same club and she was my first crush. She’s the minister’s niece.

It was my first spring break in college when we met again. She studied outside of town and she just got back. We decided to meet after the mass in our usual spot— we were already on top of the cliff giving us the whole view of the city. it’s a secluded place uphill.

“I have to tell you something.” she started, I saw her fiddle with her fingers. She looked so etheral. She was wearing a white dress with truffles as sleeves, her long and silky hair being pushed by the wind, her ocean eyes that I could easily drown into—and her lips looked so plum and soft.

At that moment I was ready to risk it all.

“You okay?” she asked me, raising an eyebrow, “You’ve been staring a lot. Miss me much?” she teased, I laughed nervously, trying to act cavalier but deep inside I was worried—can she see through me?

“You wish.” I playfully poked her cheek and pointed at a big rock where we usually sit.

Seated next to her, I ask, “So—what is it?”

“Ca-can you kiss me?”

I immediately looked at her. “What?”

“Ahhh!” she covered her face with her hands in embarrassment. “It’s just that.. I’m so confused!”

“Confused?” my heart was actually beating fast at what I heard. My best friend—is confused? How? Why? and for whom?!

“There’s this girl in my department, Kim Chaewon, I’ve been hanging with her lately and I’ve been feeling… weird.” She took a peek at me as I looked at her incredously. “Okay, Can you elaborate what this weird feeling is?”

I’m slightly hurt though not gonna lie. It was for someone else. I didn’t expect that it could be me but I have a small tinge of hope—but who am I kidding? That’s Kim Minju! How can she like someone like me?

“In here.” She gingerly pointed to her stomach, “It’s like I have butterflies here. It’s so weird. Whenever I’m with her I would get nervous. I don’t know, she makes me feel weird—but it’s a good kind of weird, you know.”

“Ah,” I bobbed my head in understanding—I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Minju falling in love with another girl. It just though that it has to be with a Kim.. (though chances are weren’t really related but I can live with the fact that if ever they would end up together and if I haven’t moved on yet then it would soothe my broken heart knowing that she’d end up with Kim as her last name. I can just imagine that the Kim she married is me… Oh my god, I’m such a pathetic gay)

“And how does me kissing you help with your confusion?” I raised an eyebrow. Yes, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity where your crush of 2 years would ask you to kiss them but I’m just guarding myself. And what if she falls in love with me instead? (just kidding!)

Minju rubbed her cheek. “I—I just wanted to know if the attraction is only limited to Chaewon, not with