Sometimes he really wanted to retire.

 

Sometimes, he would ask himself “Why am I still here?”.

 

Everyday he got different emotions from his job: everytime he walked the very slight pain in his leg, which made him limp very little but still noticeable to everyone who took even the slightest glance at his figure; the little scars that were spread on his torso and that one that crossed over his lips; his mind reminding him how dirty his hands were with nightmares and images that flashed every time he closed his eyes for a second… Living felt like pain at this point of his life, but, why was he still there?

 

— Don’t worry, you’ll be ok soon, just try not to move a lot for some time —Yixing, their personal doctor, said in a firm tone because he knew his leader wouldn’t listen anyway. Right after, he heard Chanyeol sighing deeply on his side.

 

— Hahh… You better listen to hyung this time, you heard me? —Chanyeol sounded quite angry, but he knew he was just worried, like always. Today wasn’t the first time he had to carry his dying leader to base, and he was glad it wasn’t the last.

 

— You’re pretty ing lucky, you always get away alive in fights. —Yixing sighed while packing everything he used to clean and close the still pretty aching wound on his hip— But don’t test that luck, you could run out of it and it might surprise you one day… And I don’t want to be there when we tell Zitao about the loss —.

 

— Ugh, he would go straight to hell just to nag and beat the out of you —Sehun deadpanned, imagining the terrible situation in his (pretty creative) mind.

 

— After beating us first! Oh no! —Jongdae whined in the background, causing everyone present in the living room to laugh.

 

— Ok, ok! I get it, damn! —Yifan grunted, putting his palm over the covered wound from pain— You all better stop talking, I can just tell him to beat your asses right now —.

 

— You wouldn’t! —Chanyeol gasped.

 

— Bet. —Yifan got up with a little bit of trouble, he really didn’t remember a gunshot wound would hurt so much, probably he was just getting old? He left the living room without another word, leaving all the chaos of whines and scared protests behind, walking slowly to his room.

 

These moments, when he laid alone on his bed, looking at the ceiling, were the moments where he was really thinking about retiring. Sometimes he was really glad that Junmyeon was still on his side as a leader as well, or he couldn’t handle all of these random attacks and have the opportunity to rest like this right after. Yifan knew he also became more and more grumpy and impatient with time, almost like an old man,and sometimes he just couldn’t treat everyone so nicely like Junmyeon could. He didn’t think the members could handle him on “his days”, in the morning or late at night, where he was the grumpiest and where the worst of himself was talking for him.

 

Then, there’s Zitao, the only person who could understand him since he saw everything very closely, and could understand his actions and words. Yifan knew he told Tao things he wishes he didn’t, that would make a normal person turn away probably forever or ruin a relationship, but the younger one doesn’t respond anything, in fact, he just waits until Yifan comes at his room and stay on the bed curled at his side like a puppy feeling sorry but being too proud to say it out loud, of course) and staying like that until he falls asleep. Sometimes Yifan wishes he could treat him better, but life decided to mold him this way; being on the frontline, dealing with nasty gangsters could really change a human being- and (not surprisingly) Tao always told him that he could understand perfectly, himself being also part of this gang since he was a lone teenager.

 

But why couldn't he just try to be better for his husband, at least once?

 

There’s so many beautiful men out there, as rich as him, that treat others nicely, athletic, younger, prettier and with a better sense of fashion that would be down to give Tao everything he deserved and more- but no, Tao preferred a grumpy mafia gang leader, full of wounds and scars, with a deformed face, who can’t walk or stand for too long or it would start to hurt his leg- not to mention how bad he talks at him.

 

His eyes began to go suddenly numb- wait, was he turning blind? Oh… He was crying.

 

He blinked once, feeling a couple of tears falling from the corner of his eyes, twice- and more began to fall behind the other, and his eyes felt heavy and itchy… He was slowly dropping his guard, stiff body relaxing and slowly forgetting the pain, not only the pain on his hip zone, but that one that stung on his heart too.

 

He wished Tao was here, and that he could see how ridiculous he looked just by imagining him with a better man, laughing at him and then hugging him until he fell asleep.

 

He closed his eyes, the same images flashing like a movie: screams of pain, watery dead eyes reflecting his own face covered in blood

 

An unknown man on his knees begging for mercy while Yifan could see his own hand pointing a silver gun at the man’s head.

 

Dollar bills covered with red spots falling slowly in the air.

 

Lifeless corpses of people he doesn’t remember, not even why he killed them in the first place.

 

Then, he remembers that day, probably the worst and most stressful day of his entire agitated life; he saw Tao running inside a building that was on fire, so many questions started to ring in his head as well as warnings, he extended his hand towards his figure and tried to scream but nothing came out of his mouth, why he couldn't move? Yifan looked down and saw one of his legs with pretty bad wounds, he also just noticed he was on the ground, too. When he looked to his side he only recognized Minseok and Kai on the ground, both worryingly unconscious. When he looked to the front again he saw Tao running with an unconscious Luhan on his arms while he was shouting things he couldn’t understand.

 

 

But just at that last second he heard “MOVE!” and then, from the inside, the building exploded, sending dangerous amounts of broken glass and even pieces of the building flying everywhere along with an unbearable heatwave.

 

By reflect, he tried to curl on the ground covering his head, feeling hot crystals burning little spots on his hands and arms, then, right after he hurriedly started to crawl where both of his teammates were laying on the ground. The shouts on his back were loud and painful, but he just couldn’t understand anything at the time. He also heard many sirens that seemed to be getting closer to their position, but he didn’t care either.

 

He also just couldn’t pay attention to his leg that hurt like ing hell, or the little wounds created by the recent explosion, the only thing that moved him was the view of two of his teammates- his best friend and his husband, lying on the ground, seemingly lifeless.

 

When he got close enough, his trembling hands were directly to their pulse and- Thankfully both were still alive.

 

Both were looking pretty bad, which didn’t relax him at all.

 

“Someone, please, help!” Yifan quickly but helplessly shouted, his voice sounding hoarse and probably the most scared tone he could’ve had in his entire life.

 

“Please, I need help!”

 

“HELP, PLEASE!”

 

He opened his eyes quickly, and suddenly felt as if he had ran a whole mile. Panting, he tried to sit correctly on bed, the sudden strong pain obligating him to lay down again.

 

He looked around his room and it was darker than last time… He felt suddenly relieved that he was still in his room but… Then the images of that memory came again.

 

He needed to see him, or he would think he’s lost him, this time for real though.

 

But just as he was forcing himself to sit to get out of bed, he heard a known voice in the living room saying “where is he?” along with fast steps that were louder and louder.

 

Suddenly, the door swings open and there’s his husband, Tao, who was panting, still had his black uniform on, messy and curly black hair tied on a little ponytail, quickly dropped his M-16 on the ground with a sigh of relief.

 

— They told me… You… Were injured… And… I came as fast as I could…—Tao said while desperately trying to breathe and calm down for a second, apparently he came running even on the stairs to get home.

 

— Weren’t you… On a mission on the other side of the city for today? —Yifan quietly asked as if he wasn't about to run himself to the other side of the city just to get to his husband.

 

— I don’t care, don’t talk about business right now. —Tao whined quickly changing his clothes on the bathroom that was just a few steps away from the bed— Yixing called me today and told me you were injured while dealing with some people —he said while he walked from side to side— Haven’t I told you to stop going to those kinds of missions? —.

 

— ...I am the leader, I can do whatever I want… —he murmured low, pouting, not daring to say it out loud- but sadly Tao heard it anyway.

 

— But you’re-! —Tao was about to whine again until his eyes met Yifan’s only for a couple of seconds until the older decided to look away. His eyes were noticeably red and shiny, his nose was also red and runny— Wait… You were crying. —He deadpanned.

 

— I… Well, yeah, I was… —Yifan laid down again, closing his eyes. What was even the point of lying anymore?

 

— ...But why? Nightmares again? Or does it hurt a lot? —Tao asked carefully, slowly laying down and curling on Yifan’s side but trying not to touch near the fresh wound.

 

— It wasn’t a nightmare… It was a memory. —Yifan answered slowly, eyes turning to look at the younger's face on his side, feeling suddenly guilty when he saw a very noticeable scar that passed through one of his eyes and brow. He turned away— I was remembering that day. —.

 

— Why are you still thinking about that? —Tao asked softly, already knowing that he would mention the scar on his face just by the reaction that he gave him seconds ago.

 

—...We all could have avoided all of that mess that day, if it wasn’t because of me. —Yifan said with a sad tone, making Tao roll his eyes- this wasn’t the first time he was blaming himself for that day.

 

— You should be thinking about what it can be right now, instead of what it could've been, Wu. —Tao answered, leading his hand to the other’s chin, softly brushing his thumb on the full bottom lip that had a thin but deep scar a little bit on the side that went across both lips. Deep black, shiny, sad eyes looked at him in silence— But for some reason, I feel like that’s not it. —.

 

— Suddenly? —Yifan tried to laugh it off— What do you mean? —.

 

— You’re not only thinking about the fire incident. —Tao didn’t ask this time either— From the way you're looking at me, I can tell there’s something else going on, tell me… —He laid on his side to be able to look at the older one directly.

 

Yifan suddenly felt tiny.

 

— I was… Just… Thinking about you. —.

 

— And what makes you sad then? I’m ok. —Tao asked with a surprised tone, eyes wide.

 

“I just thought that you deserved better.” Yifan looked away and Tao just knew what was going on.

 

— Oh? And what could be better? —Tao just couldn’t take the conversation seriously, he sat and crossed his arms on his chest, a little smile starting to show on his lips.

 

— Maybe a healthier man… One that treats you better, and gives you everything you deserve whenever you want, one that’s prettier too. —Yifan felt suddenly ashamed of how his voice was starting to crack, he was about to cry as well.

 

— And why wouldn’t you be enough for me? —Tao asked, genuinely curious about his answer, and at the same time, surprised because of how open Yifan seemed today.

 

— Well, I’m getting old… I am anything but healthy, I don’t always treat you well, I am wounded from inside out, I am not handsome anymore, not with this thing on my face. —Yifan apparently gave up because he started sobbing, worrying Tao— What makes you stay here, with a man like me? —.

 

— Wu Yifan! —Tao almost shouted, suddenly angry by the degrading comments but also really worried— Are you ok? Why are you being like this? —He was used to ‘the soft side’ of his husband, side which he showed everytime they were in private, but, not THIS soft to the point that anything could make him start crying, it was so unusual.

 

— I don’t know what’s going on, I think I’m just looking too much in it, aren’t I? —Yifan murmured, rubbing his eyes slowly.

 

— You’re! Stop scaring me, for ’s sake. —Tao whined— And stop crying or I’m going to cry too and you’ll regret it ‘cause we’ll be stuck in an infinite loop of tears! —The little airy laugh after a sob made him relax.

 

— ...You didn’t answer though. —Yifan commented low after a few seconds.

 

— Ok, y’know what? Look at me. —Tao demanded, grabbing again the older’s chin and obligating him to look him in the eye, this time though, his fingers were pressed on Yifan’s puffy cheeks making him inevitably pout.

 

— I have known you for years and I felt like I loved you since the first time we met. —Tao started with an angry-sounding tone— When your father was still in charge, I was your personal bodyguard and I was until he died! I could watch you closely almost my entire life and that’s how I got to know you before we dated. At that time, I swear, you were so ing hot acting as a leader of a whole mafia gang and giving everyone orders here and there. And even after the incident- I’ll tell you right now that there’s no one in the world that’s more y than you. —He commented as if it was the most obvious thing ever— And I am still around because I want to, and I accept what I have because I think it’s what I deserve! So start being more confident about yourself, Wu Yifan! —He ended his speech with a little peck on the older’s pouting lips before finally releasing him.

 

Yifan just stared without expression, not knowing if he had to say “Thanks” or try to search for anything he could say to prove his husband wrong, but as soon as he opened his mouth-

 

— Don’t you dare tell me I’m wrong. —Yifan closed his mouth again and Tao just sighed and rolled his eyes a little bit— ...What were you going to say? —.

 

— Thank you… I haven’t been doing well lately, I guess. —Yifan murmured, obviously very shy after the unusual scene he just made in front of Tao.

 

— Aw, come here~ —Tao cooed as if the man beside him was some sort of dog, hugging his head on his chest, brushing Yifan’s long black silky hair with his fingers— You need to relax, my love, you’re wounded, you’ll be ok soon. —.

 

— Mhm… —Yifan answered slowly, closing his eyes, suddenly very comfortable by the warm body of his husband and the way he was slowly but softly brushing his hair, sometimes caressing his cheeks or wiping the tears from his eyes that occasionally fell.

 

— We’ll be ok... I’ll see you tomorrow. —.