Hyung,

 

Surprised there's a new letter for you?

 

Yeah. Me too. Now that I looked back at the previous letter, I wonder why I should even write again to someone who probably never even cared about me genuinely.

 

I just need to talk to someone.

 

I just need to feel good.

 

It had been a stressful period lately, with our comeback preparations and all. It's odd that I still feel excited and all warm fuzzies inside the moment you appeared for practices and our schedules together even though it's hard to see smile on your face lately, not even when performing such an upbeat, fun song like Body to Body. You used to be so enthusiastic on every stage performances and I honestly miss that bright smile and energy of yours. Lately you looked so tired and lifeless. But you've been missing from the picture a lot, hyung. Must have something to do with your ever expanding solo activities. And probably your social life with your new friends. Heh. Don't think I didn't see your 'new friends' tweets about their outings with you. How come you're smiling so brightly with them but not on stage?

 

Me, jealous? Give me a break, who do you think you are, hyung? You think you're the hottest stuff around?

 

Maybe back in the days, you were. Back when you weren't this popular. You used to be the brightest star in my eyes. I think I was a little too foolishly obsessed about you as a fanboy.

 

While rearranging things in my drawer some weeks back, I found a few pictures from one of our random sponsor phtoshoots, which I bet you have no reasons whatsoever to remember, right? 

 

The photographer had called me first to pick a shoes for the shoot, and there were only three different pairs, but knowing you'd also be included for a picture since you were also called to gather with Kevin hyung, Minwoo and Dongjun, I didn't want to model for a different pair of shoes than yours. I wanted to have as many connections to you as possible. I know, I was foolish at that time. I wished I had gotten smarter now.

 

So, I pretended to have stomach ache and had to use the toilet and all other stupid excuses to make sure you would go for the shoot before myself, and once I saw you picked up the cute pair of red sneakers, I knew I could not let anyone else touch it and danger is, I knew Minwoo would definitely go for it since he's sort of obsessed about red, if you ever noticed. He had been eyeing it since the beginning. And you were the first to take picture with the shoes after I escaped from it. So, you can imagine the awkward when I suddenly dashed inside and grabbed the shoes from your hands the moment you're done with the shoot. Everyone gave me weird look, because they thought I was supposed to be in the toilet. The photograher even asked if I'm okay, or if I'm 'done with business'. When he asked me to pick another pair of shoes though, I gritted my teeth and pointed at other members, saying they'll take pictures with the remaining two pairs. I saw Minwoo's brows tweaked upwards in protest but they knew better than to mess with me. Ha!

 

 

I was happy enough that we shared that connection with the shoes and was ready to just keep it in my memory. Then we were told that we could keep the shoes we posed with. Well, there were just three pairs, so I took our red sneakers and brought it to you, asking you to keep it, though I was worried you'd give it away to Minwoo or maybe even Kwanghee hyung who could pester you for it. I tried not to look that interested in neither you, nor the shoes, because obviously, you wouldn't care about me half as much and only treated me as a group member, so why should I be the one to embarrass myself?

 

Surprisingly, you gently took my hands and placed the shoes onto them, with a reassuring smile.

 

 

"It's okay. You keep it, Heechul-ah. It suits you better. You like this kind of red shoes, didn't you?" You let out your signature small, awkward laugh.

 

 

 

There you go, playing with my heart again, hyung.

 

But really, did you simply said that because of how I snatched the shoes after you posed with it, or is it because...you really did notice how I always wear shoes with eye-catching colours almost all the time, especially when we're attending activities?

 

When we started our recent Fighting Projects, we were given a set of random colourful casual clothings, and this time, I just let everyone chose first. Surprisingly, the last pair left, ...was a lonely pair of red sneakers. I wonder if the sneakers was feeling as empty as I. But it reminded me those pictures, of that little gesture, of that red shoes.

 

Believe it or not, the shoes from our little photoshoot were still kept tidy inside my secret locker. Still palpable, with your touch.

I miss you, hyung.

 

Me