Every night when I try to sleep there is you who mess up with my mind my thoughts sometime I find myself fighting with my own self just for you. 

When i have nothing to do i find my self thinking about or even when I have to do something like now i am trying to write something but here I am sitting alone with sheet pen in my hands and thinking about you huhh aahhhh "no fan fan no concentrate " by saying like this I think may be I can complete my task but no how can I do that how much important thing is running in my mind like what he is doing where he is with whom he is Did he eat oh just left this one I am sure he never gonna stay away from food because first thing is food in his lovable list and I am third or may be fourth.

10 years it been 10 years when I first meet him we go through many things fights misunderstanding etc etc one time I laugh to much get pain in cheeks and stomach let me clear I get stomach pain because of a kungfu panda who kick me because I m laughing over his reaction to bug that was the first Time I see someone that much frightened just because of bug shhh bad bug how dare he tried to hurting my baby huhh

Sometimes I think about the pain I give him the way I pretend that this means nothing to me that I don't want others to know about us so I ignore him like well it doesn't change by the by I still don't want people to know about us because people ruin beautiful things.

It's so difficult to control yourself when you want him for just yourself or not to feel jealous when someone talking to him or stop laughing and may be blushing when he say or do something without thinking you don't know how much I embarrass for our act on producer camp my some close friend (luhan victory) still tease me because of my reaction. it streaming on everyplace but what can I do because he is irresistible sometimes hahahah. whenever he is around me he became so shy .He always say he's not shy huhh there is nothing that make his cheeks pink but when I say him my whole world revolves around him the way he smile the way he blush make me fall for him again and again 

 There is a time when we have fight because of my Over thinking he say he tired of trying everytime to get me out of the protecting shell that I have been created around my self years ago he say how many time he let it go like this when I misunderstood him I would lie if I say these words doesn't hurt me the face he crying doesn't hurt me but I stay still without saying doing anything because I don't have any words that explain how much I love him how much I want him to stay I know I think alot I don't know how to stop it i spend hours just thinking . Sometimes it feels like I don't deserve him how much I hurt him in past . It hurts me to see him sad it's like someone ripping my heart when I see those eyes filled with saddness I promise to myself to him thousands of time that I will not do that again or I will not hurt him I will protect him from every thing first of all there is just feeling of friend a close friend whom I want to protect and want him to smile every day just this nothing more but with time it change to something else I just want to be with him like my own happiness depends on him on his smile . I just want to tell him how much I love him care for him think about him but I don't I have fears lots of fear like if he don't feel the same if it means nothing to him or if I starting living for him and In the end he kill me by heart breaking I know it just my thoughts but still I feel hopeless . I just want to be with him for all my life sitting somewhere near the ocean or anywhere hands in hands and just staring into his eyes without saying anything but will he stay with me sit with me for all his life leaving everything behind will he also look me in eyes without rushing anywhere. Maybe one day he will get bored of me because I am not so talkative or like to read more than hanging out. If he find out someone else who love him more than me this fear killing me day by day even when someone just say his name or talked to him it arise some kind of strange feeling like being obsessed and I end up saying something nonsense that just hurt him I just want him to want me even in bad terms I am trying trying really hard to change myself to become better for him. just tell him plz to stay I will change everything that Hurt him.