In an alternate reality,
You were mine.
We took a chance.
I wasn’t scared.
I didn’t run.
I wasn’t stupid.
In an alternate reality,
You never stopped loving me.
I reminded you my heart would always be yours,
And we walked together hand-in-hand amongst the flowers.
In an alternate reality,
I held you in my arms.
I protected you from everything I was.
I protected you from what I feared I’d become.
I didn’t lie to myself,
About my feelings,
About what I wanted.
In an alternate reality,
You still read through me,
Like I’m nothing more than glass.
You don’t have to cry
Because I broke you.
You hold onto me tightly
Even though I won’t slip through your fingers.
In an alternate reality,
Our love never fades.
Our flame never turns to dust.
Our hearts never break.
No matter the reality though,
I will always love you in every way I possibly can.

---

Opening her eyes, there’s no denying that her head is spinning and the sunlight beaming on her face is only making it that much worse. She has to blink quite a few times, using her hand to shield herself from the light, before her eyes are finally focusing. It’s not quite clear whether or not that helps considering how her head suddenly goes from spinning to pounding. As she tries to sit up, it feels like her breath is right out of her lungs, her body collapsing back onto the bed.

 

Well, .

 

That’s a new feeling.

 

Her body aches all over. It’s not something that she can’t handle. She’s felt a lot worse. After all, she’s been shot and stabbed more than once on more than one occasion. It’s not something that happens often but it happens often enough for her to remember what it feels like and why she doesn’t let it become a common occurrence.

 

It takes a long while but she finally gets herself to sit up, taking quick, short breaths as she does so, which helps regulate the air going in and out of her lungs and distracts her mind from the pain. If anything, her body just feels heavy and the kind of sore like she’s been hit with a truck, not that that’s ever happened. Thankfully.

 

At least there’s something she can say she hasn’t done or had happen to her.

 

Taking a look around, she starts to realize where she is, though it doesn’t make much sense to her. She’s in her apartment, looking over Seoul, instead of her apartment in Hong Kong. Her bed feels warm, both sides, as though she hadn’t slept alone. She brings her palm to the side of her head, closing her eyes for a moment as she tries to remember what the hell happened. She’s not sure what’s kicking in but she knows that drugged feeling, the feeling of Jinki having given her a dose of some painkiller to dull her aches and to force her to sleep. She has even more questions now. Jinki doesn’t often give her medication. Suddenly, she can’t help thinking that she pays a lot of attention to too many stupid things but, maybe, they’re not as stupid as she actually thinks they are. It’s what helps her put things together sometimes.

 

Although, now is not one of those times.

 

She has to grip the edge of the bed as she pushes herself up, her legs going from jelly to throbbing to feeling like she’s buried in concrete from the waist down before she finally manages to find her footing. Using the bed as a crutch, she manages to make her way around to the side the window is on, staring out at the city. The light feels too bright at first but she gets used to it quickly enough. It takes a little extra effort to shuffle over to the window and get it open but she does and the cool air of late morning that washes over makes her close her eyes and inhale deeply. She’s quickly overtaken by a wave of serenity that she’s not used to and, in that moment, every of pain that she had felt before seems to disappear completely as she opens her eyes. She knows it’s not pain that's just in her head. No, she feels it but, for now, she doesn’t feel a thing.

 

And that’s okay.

 

Taking in a few more deep breaths, she moves slowly, not forcing her body to do more than what feels right, what feels okay. Getting the door open, she’s now aware that she’s not the only one home. Her brows furrow at the sight she can see in the kitchen from the hallway. Breakfast of some sort is cooking and the aroma is surrounding her and drawing her in. Making her way toward the kitchen, she can see him but it’s clear that he can’t see her yet, or at least that he’s not making it obvious he’s aware of her presence.

 

She knows his silhouette. Those shoulders. The sound of his voice as he hums.

 

It’s a happy hum at that. He’s at peace.

 

Even from here, his presence is familiar and calming...

 

But he shouldn’t be here.

 

She can’t remember the last time he was in the apartment, let alone happy.

 

This has to be a dream. She’s going to wake up soon and he’s going to be gone, just like he has been for however long it’s been now. Her chest aches at the thought but maybe, just maybe, she can hold onto him for now.

 

“Tao,” she calls out weakly, wondering if he can even hear her, if her voice is even coming out of her like she thinks it is.

 

Clearly, he hears her, immediately stopping whatever it is that he’s doing, wiping his hands on the apron tied around his waist. He greets her with a smile that immediately has tears running down her cheeks, her knees weak that she’s almost collapsing on the floor. He’s wiped his hands again and the shock hits his face the instant he realizes what’s going on. Thankfully, the couch is within her grasp to help keep her balanced until he has an arm around her waist. Soon, both of his arms engulf her and are keeping her steady.

 

She’s gone from scared that he’ll disappear to being utterly terrified that, if she touches him, she’ll ruin everything. She can’t help thinking that, if she says anything more, he’ll be gone within the next second.

 

“Jie jie,” he calls softly, warm hand cupping her cheek as he stares in her eyes, concern written on his features as he watches her.

 

She doesn’t say anything and, instead, just brings her hand up to cup his on her cheek. The concern is still there but his expression softens as he smiles at her a little.

 

“You should be in bed,” he whispers, her cheek with his thumb, “Though I feel a lot better knowing that you’re awake.”

 

Confusion is written on her face and he shakes his head, chuckling lowly.

 

“I’ll explain but, first, sit down for me?”

 

He guides her to sit down on the couch, glancing over to the kitchen. Nothing’s actually cooking at the moment so that means that he can actually sit and talk with her. He hums when she practically collapses into his side, her fingers clutching at his shirt with a strength that just brings about his concern all over again.

 

“Jie jie,” he calls again and it just makes her grip tighter.

 

Resting a hand over one of hers, he feels her hold loosen a bit and he takes that hand in his own, lacing his fingers with hers. She only grips at his hand again and he sighs, kissing the top of her head.

 

“You scared me. Can’t say I’ve had that happen in a long time,” he finally speaks up and she raises her head to look at him, her brows knitted together.

 

Nodding once, he takes a very deep breath, going ahead and continuing, “I’m guessing you don’t remember at all, do you?”

 

She shakes her head and he glances down for a brief moment when she clutches at his hand. He tries to soothe her by rubbing his thumb over the back of it.

 

“We were doing a job. Just when we thought we were done, we were ambushed,” his words are getting caught in his throat and now there’s concern lacing every inch of her features, “You were fighting one of the guys, hand-to-hand, and, the building wasn’t up too high but it still wasn’t a pretty fall. You two went through a window. I didn’t see if he did it on purpose or not but... I don’t know how he is, or if he’s even alive at this point, but you... You’ve been out cold for the past three days, almost four. I was going to take you to a hospital but Jinki got to us quicker than I thought. You stayed with him for the past two days. I just got you here last night.”

 

“Tao...”

 

“I was worried you wouldn’t wake up again... You’ve scared me before but... I’ve never been that scared.”

 

He’s starting to mix Chinese and English, Korean even slipping in here and there, and his hands are starting to tremble. She’s never seen this look on his face, never felt him this nervous. His breathing is a bit ragged and she can tell he’s trying to collect himself. She wants to help him but she isn’t sure what she can do. After all, part of her still thinks this is nothing more than a dream that will end all too soon, even though it’s clear that he’s really in front of her, that she can feel everything.

 

His warmth. His touch. His scent is there. The sound of his voice.

 

She doesn’t want to let go of his hand, so she doesn’t. She uses her other hand to brush his bangs from his eyes, her fingertips brushing over his cheek and jaw. Their gazes connect and, now, her hands are shaking.

 

“You’re going to disappear, aren’t you?”

 

His eyes widen and he quickly shakes his head, expression almost offended, “I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t leave you.”

 

“I push you away all the time. You have every reason to hate me. I gave you every reason to leave me.”

 

Her consciousness is running in a straight line at the moment. She isn’t sure who she’s talking to right now: The Tao that had finally taken his leave or the one right here in front of her. For some reason, neither of them feel real and it’s messing with her head. There was no way that she had dreamed everything she had. Even if she had been unconscious for almost four days. She couldn’t believe that was possible, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t.

 

Now, it’s not just her hands that are shaking. He takes a deep breath, deciding to play along and help her get out whatever it is that she’s clearly carrying with her.

 

“Did you... Did you stop loving me?”

 

“No! No, never...” her voice trails off for a moment, her voice catching as tears sting the corners of her eyes, “I never wanted you to leave. I wanted you here with me. I’ve always wanted you.”

 

“Then, why did you push me away? Why did you want me to go all those times...?”

 

“Tao... After losing Jong Jin,” she’s crying now and she can’t stop it, “I only had you.”

 

“You had Kris,” there’s bite to his voice as he says it, remembering how he felt watching her with him.

 

Tao still remembers what it was like to know that he wasn’t for her, to see her changing and slipping up for someone that was only playing her. He remembers that, no matter what he said, no matter what he thought he could say, she had wanted Kris and no one else. Her focus had shifted and all he could do was be there for her.

 

“You had Si Lu,” she answers weakly, inhaling slowly and shakily.

 

They’re both quiet and she raises her gaze to look him in the eyes, continuing, “We both made mistakes. We both lost ourselves. But... I was a bigger idiot. I always have been.”

 

“Jie Jie--”

 

She shakes her head, trembling all over again, “If Jinki hadn’t saved you from that drug... I could have lost you then. I never would have been able to forgive myself. Holding you in my arms like that made me feel exactly how I felt as Jong Jin died in my arms. I love Jinki, I love Nicole, I love Luhan... but I love you differently. Huang ZiTao, you ing scare me.”

 

“You always do this...”

 

“Do what?”

 

“You don’t let me talk.”

 

She releases her hold on him, or at least tries to. He doesn’t let her. He forces her to look at him as he cups her cheeks in both hands, wiping her tears with her thumbs and inhaling slowly. He tilts his head as he looks at her, his gaze soft as he just looks at her for a moment.

 

“Say it again.”

 

“Wha--”

 

“Say that you’re scared again. Tell me how much I scare you.”

 

She isn’t sure what response he’s looking for but she just answers what feels right, “I’m terrified of you.”

 

“Again.”

 

“Tao--”

 

“--Again. Say it again.”

 

“I’m scared.”

 

“Again.”

 

“I’m scared.”

 

“Of what?”

 

“Of you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I’m scared of how much I love you, of what you do to me.”

 

“Jie Jie, I don’t do anything but love you. That’s all I’ve ever done.”

 

“That’s exactly why I’m scared. Tao, that’s exactly it. Even when I’ve screwed up and hurt you, even when I’ve gotten upset with you, you’ve loved me. And then I broke you. I broke your heart and you left me. I broke the boys’ hearts because I made it so you finally couldn’t take it anymore. I put the dagger in what we had and ended it. I ran until you got tired of running after me.”

 

Tears pour from her eyes as she speaks, even as she finally goes quiet, trying to find her breath to speak again. Eventually, she manages to do so.

 

“Why don’t you hate me? How can you still love me?”

 

He isn’t aware of it but tears have begun to spill from his eyes as he stares at her, shaking his head. His voice cracks as he speaks, glancing down before looking in her eyes again.

 

“I-I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe I’m stupid or crazy for thinking things would work when you clearly don’t want it to but I’m just in love with you. I’m just an idiot in love with you because I can’t learn my lesson. I should have left a long time ago but, every time I go, it feels like I can’t get far. I hope that I get a call from you, a message. Something from you just asking me for help, just telling me that you’ve made it through another night when we’re not working together. The twins telling me that you need me for something, anything. The second I get the nerve to walk away, it’s like you know. You call me or message me and that’s all I need. That’s all it takes and I find myself back at your door, in your arms, holding onto you like it’s the last time I’ll ever get the chance to.”

 

Her heart aches and twists in her chest as she watches him, listens to him. She’s told him, told herself, that she would change, that she would get better but all she can do is run. No matter how much every inch of her has always wanted him, and only him, she’s done nothing but break him into pieces and do a terrible job at putting him back together again. Every single time they get close to heaven, she does something that gets in their way and drags them back to earth again. No matter what she says or does, deep down, she knows that it hurts him more than it hurts her.

 

“I’m done.”

 

Her hands shake terribly as she wipes his tears and just holds his face. He shakes his head, brows furrowing at her words.

 

“I’m giving it up. I won’t go out and do the hit jobs anymore. I won’t steal anything anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore,” she stares at him, “Huang ZiTao, I want you. I want you to give it up and stay with me. I want to be the person you deserve to have love you. I want to be the person that deserves your love, to focus on you and the boys and to give everything else up. I want to take long car rides with you to the beach again. To hold you when you feel like crying and to stop being the one to make you cry. I want to let myself feel the butterflies I always feel when you hold my hand or kiss me and not run from them. I want to show you how much I love, how much I’ve always loved you and how much you mean to me.”

 

His hands lay over hers and keep them on his cheeks. He looks like he’s about to cry again, his eyes watering, though he doesn’t at the moment.

 

“You... You’d give it all up for me,” he asks quietly, a hint of shock in his voice.

 

“I’ll stop it all. I’ll get a regular job and get rid of all of my weapons and contacts.”

 

“Jie jie, that’s a lot. Could you really do all that?”

 

“I’ll give it up but I want you to give it up with me.”

 

“But...”

 

“You deserve a normal life. I know I’ve said it a lot but... you deserve so much more than everything I’ve given, and taken, from you.”

 

“It might take me some time.”

 

She shakes her head, “It’s fine. I get it.”

 

He kisses her and her hands fall to his neck as she kisses him back. When he finally pulls away, he keeps his eyes closed, pressing his lips to her forehead and keeping them there for a moment before looking in her eyes again.

 

“It might take me some time to let go of the work but promise me you’ll end it. If you can really promise me that you’ll at least try to let it all go, jie jie... If you can do that for me, that’s all I need. I’m yours.”

 

“I’ll tell Luhan, the twins... all of them... I’m out. Anything for you.”

 

“Then, Amber Josephine Liu, tell me that you’re mine.”

 

She looks him in the eyes, fingers lacing together behind his neck, “Huang ZiTao, I’m all yours, and only yours.”

 

She finds herself crying as they kiss again, and his smile against her lips makes her heart skip a few beats. When the kiss breaks this time, she leans into him and he just holds her for a while, cheek resting against the top of her head.

 

“I have to go pick up the boys from Luhan’s but maybe I’ll have him bring them here. Jinki needs to come by to look you over, too.”

 

“So, you don’t actually have to leave then?”

 

“No, I won’t be leaving. I’ll just bring them all here,” he laughs and kisses the top of her head.

 

“Good,” she sighs softly, smiling and closing her eyes as she melts into his arms.

 

Dream or not, she feels she’s right where she was always meant to be.