All typos and slurred words are mine! XD

***

Jinyoung showed up that morning at the club with a lighter head, parking his bike while humming his new favourite song, which happened to be Mark’s song. A song about being born ready. It’s not exactly his taste, but there’s something with the beat and Mark’s voice that made it stuck in his head.

Mark picked up his bike from the club yesterday. The client insisted to drove him to work, even though he had already told him it's not necessary. First, because Mark wasn’t his chauffeur. He wasn’t going to waste more of the older’s already precious time. Second, he needed to exercise his body after being cooped up at home, anyway. He liked to sweat. He liked the feeling of the wind against his face as he rode his bike.

They texted after separating, mostly Mark making sure that he was eating or if he still wanted to talk about anything. He absorbed the attention very well, heart palpitating whenever his phone pinged, just as when he was a teenager. Mark clearly wasn’t an emoji guy, considering the emojis he used were only the folded hands emoji and the grinning emoji. Quite fitting since he pegged Mark as a caller type rather than a text type.

“Hi,” Mark greeted cheerfully as they met at the main hall, eyes soft and bright.

“Hi.”

“What’s up?”

“The usual.”

“You look rather unenergetic? Are you sure you’re ready to get back to work?”

“Do I? I feel the same, though.” He needed to stop lying. One day Mark would realise that he’s actually a bad liar. He didn’t feel the same. His brain wouldn’t stop proposing different scenarios, good, bad, or worse, even though he didn’t ask.

Mark hummed, reaching out to lightly squeeze his arm. “So, are we going to play on the course today?”

If that’s Mark’s way to shift the topic, he was grateful for that. “I’ll go with whatever you choose. This is your game.”

“Okay, on the course it is then. And I want you to play with me.” Mark’s eyes glinted childishly like he was asking for a race to the park, and whoever won paid for the ice cream.

“Okay.”

“Three par nine holes?”

“Sure, whatever pleases you.” Jinyoung picked up Mark’s golf bag, then without waiting for the older, sauntering out of the main hall to a cart waiting for them.

“Do you have a stomach bug?” Mark asked as soon as he was seated on the cart, eyes stationed on Jinyoung.

“I don’t.”

“You seem to be under the weather. You only answer my questions in short sentences.”

Now Mark was demanding. What should he do? Made a preach for each of his questions? His head was jumbling. A nagging behaviour wasn’t needed at the moment. He inhaled a deep breath and released it slowly. “I’m still adjusting. I’m sorry if I’m not up to your standard today. I’ll try better.”

Mark didn’t immediately respond, instead, he softly cooed at a flock of pigeons they passed on the green. “I don’t have a standard for you," he said after. "You’re not a robot. I’m merely asking as to whether you’re feeling unwell or if you still have a lot of thoughts that need to be sorted out. Because if you do, we can go back to the hall right now.”

Jinyoung wanted to shrink in embarrassment. He almost lost it for a second there. Mark was trying to be nice to him. “I-I’m sorry,” he apologised, glancing at the man sitting beside him. Mark was  looking at him, an unreadable expression on his face before it vanished just as quick as it emerged. “I’m fine, Mark, really. You can see it later when we’re playing. I’m gonna crush you! Haha…” He tried to lift the mood. Judging from the client's expression, he’s only half succeeded.

But after a delay, Mark’s face grew into a delighted one, lips curled up in a smile. “I’d love to see you trying.”

Jinyoung’s shoulders relaxed a little. They were okay again. “Game on, newbie.”

“Ever heard the term underdog?” Mark provoked as he jumped off the cart. They’ve come to the game’s starting point.

“Yes. But still, the gap in our handicaps says a lot.” He teased, giggling softly. “Go on, you first, newbie.” He let Mark take the tee shot first.

“Look, Jinyoungie, I’m way better than I was.”

“Of course.”

Mark positioned himself for the tee shot. As soon as the ball flew, it's clear that he had made significant progress. It seemed like the practise swing had yielded positive results. The height was good, as the ball landed on the grass smoothly. However, that’s just the beginning.

Jinyoung, without a doubt, routed Mark with flying colours. Nevertheless, he praised the client for finishing the game with fewer shots than his last score, which was a definitive sign that he was improving.

“Jinyoungie!”

“Hm?”

“Let’s take a picture!” Mark proposed, grinning widely.

“Uh…”

“We’ve only had one picture together! You showed up on a lot of clients’ Instagram.”

“That’s different….” Jinyoung looked down at his shoes, the ones he bought with Mark.

“Why is it different?” Mark tilted his head to the side, and a bemused look came across his face.

“You know why…”

“Huh?”

“We, um, you know…”

“Oh... That granted me a selfie ban from you?” Mark pouted, shoulder sagging.

“Not that…” He toyed with the club in his hand, anything to distract him from wanting to stare into Mark’s chocolate irises. “W-well, okay, let’s take a picture.”

“Yay!” Mark cheered, straight off sticking himself to him, angling the phone to their best advantage.

Mark’s body was always warm, not too warm that made him feel uncomfortable, but the perfect warmth made him feel like being wrapped in his child's blanket. He also liked how they looked on the screen, pressed close, cheeks touching, and bright smiles. Or at least Mark’s smile. His smile looked a bit forced and crooked.

“Cute! Thank you, Jinyoung!”

“No need to thank me…”

“Do you mind if I post it on my Instagram?”

Jinyoung’s mind immediately whirred fast. He barely posted his photos to his own Instagram, let alone let anyone do it. Mark had millions of followers to boot! “W-what for?”

“What for? Telling my followers that I’m enjoying golf with the best and prettiest caddy in the world.”

His ears tingled at the mention of pretty, more reasons to hate his hideous ears. “That would be embarrassing…”

“I posted our photo at the sports store, and everyone seems to like it!”

“You what???” Jinyoung hadn’t dropped by Mark's feed for some time, not that he did it regularly.

“I po—”

“I heard that! You posted it?!” Jinyoung’s eyes went big in horror.

“I did!”

“Maaaarrrkk!”

Mark’s face fell, and the brightness went dim. “You don’t like it? I-I’m sorry, I’ll delete it right away—”

Jinyoung didn’t have the heart to watch that unfold before him. It’s just a photo. He consented to take it, after all. “No, no, it’s okay. I’m just surprised, that’s all…”

“I should’ve asked for your permission first…”

"It's all right. I assumed you were a private person because you're a celebrity; therefore, don't post random photos..." He stepped closer, index finger reaching out to brush with Mark’s. The barely-there feeling of soft skin was sweet. “Just don’t write anything about it.”

“About what?” Mark mimicked him, fingers crossing the small distance to touch.

“Me being, uh, p-pretty.” His face must be as red as strawberry right now, although his heart was swelling from the compliment. Mark was always so straightforward.

“Why? I think my followers will agree.”

“Of course, they’ll agree. They’ll like everything you post. You’re their idol, Mark…” he sighed lightly. “Do they know that you’re—”

“Gay?”

Jinyoung zipped up, fidgeting while looking at the trees dancing behind Mark’s head. He didn’t mean to ever ask that, honestly. What they did was obvious evidence that Mark preferred a male companion, but it didn't mean the entire world was aware of it. Not that he wanted the world to know about their whole shebangs, though.

“Some might guess it. Some might still think I’m straight,” Mark explained without waiting for his verbal response. “I had a girlfriend before, and I still hang out with her. I think that’s why some think I’m straight.”

“Aren’t you a biual then?” It came up a bit more snappish than he meant. If Mark noticed it he chose not to comment or react to it.

“I dated her when I was fourteen!” Mark laughed. “I couldn’t even tie my shoes properly back then. I hadn’t realised my lack of interest in girls was because I like the opposite of them.”

“Oh…”

“I’m a hundred per cent gay, and I’m not ashamed of it. I don’t think I can even be a biual now that I’ve seen the most beautiful person on earth.”

It didn’t register in his brain right away, but once it did, he was a flustered mess. His face felt hot, and suddenly his pores were working extra hard producing sweats. His heart raced a mile per second, resulting in him wobbling in his spot. He turned his face away from Mark, silently trying to make his body calm down. “You’re exaggerating.”

The client shrugged, jutting his lips out. “I don’t know about other people, but to me, you are.”

“A-are we going to keep talking here?” He stammered, shifting the topic. He’s so embarrassed that he could faint right now. Mark was too much.

Mark chuckled, reaching out to his cheek. “Yeah, let’s get back to the main hall. I’m hungry.”

No one spoke a word during the ride back to the hall, the wind whooshing loudly in Jinyoung’s ears, filling the comfortable silence. Mark jumped off the cart as soon as it parked safely, taking off his hat and running his finger in it. Jinyoung loved it when that smooth forehead was exposed. It’s y. He unconsciously his lips as a result of that display.

“You’re done for today, right, Jinyoung?”

“Yes.”

“I drive you home?”

Jinyoung didn’t expect the question, but he had an answer to that. “No, thanks.”

“You can put the bike in the boot.”

“Ah, yes. But no, thanks.”

Mark frowned, gazing. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Does it displease you so much to get home with me?”

“What—Only because you drove me home once doesn’t mean you have to keep driving me home,” Jinyoung huffed. “I’m capable of taking myself home.”

Mark’s face darkened, brows knitted. “You know what, forget it.”

What was it? “Mark?”

“Sorry, I remember I have a schedule after this. See you. Get home safe.”

Jinyoung expected something from Mark as he passed him. A brush of a finger, a squeeze of a hand, a tap on the shoulder, anything, but none of it came. As he turned around, Mark was already gone into the main hall, leaving him a trace of the beautiful scent to grasp.

***

“Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung whipped his head to the source of the voice. It was not unfamiliar, and that’s why he risked getting a whiplash to make sure that he wasn’t hallucinating. Turned out he wasn’t. “I can report you to the police and put you on a restraining order,” he warned Jaebeom, peeved. Where did Jaebeom come from?! 

“No need to go that length. I come with peace, okay? I really want to talk. We couldn’t do it the first time. I get it, though. You must be baffled since I came up suddenly.”

Baffled was too much of an underplay. It was disturbing. “You know we can’t talk anymore, Jaebeom. We are not designed to talk to each other anymore, given that we failed our last conversation horribly. Ah, no, you failed yourself,” he said as he continued speed walking to his bike. Jaebeom followed him to his dismay.

“But if we don’t talk, things will remain unclear.”

“Which part of it is unclear? You’re not dumb. You can put two and two together.”

“Yeah, but you seem to take it differently than I do. We're not done yet. I know I agreed to break up with you, but I changed my decision—”

“On injury time, yeah, perfect,” Jinyoung scorned, gripping the handlebar of his bike with a venom grip. It became fight or flight for him.

“It’s not an agreement if one of the parties wasn’t consensual.”

“That’s not my problem.” Like hell, it was not. He wouldn’t be here pretending he’s alright if it wasn't.

“Jinyoung, I’ve apologised to you a hundred times. I was out of it, and the fact that you were reacting like that almost made me think that I was not wrong. But, don’t worry, I knew it was hurting you. I was hurting, as well. Let’s say that it’s a phase. We were young and new to things back then, you being a freshman, me being in the restaurant. I’ve grown now. I had two years to think about us.”

“Don’t you have even the slightest conscience that what you’re doing now is unacceptable? That we undoubtedly can’t continue the relationship? That what happened between us wasn’t morally right?!” he asked exasperatedly. He’s not having any of it anymore for god sake.

“We can fix that. As I said, we’re not done. We just need to reconnect and go again.”

Jinyoung was appalled. Jaebeom had the gall to think that they should reconnect. “No, we are done. We agreed to end our relationship. For our own sake. I don’t care what you said out of the agreement. It’s on you. Don’t drag me down with your fantasy. The relationship didn’t give us anything more than pain and more pain. It’s not about anything else. It’s about bruises and blood that shouldn’t have been there.” He accentuated every important part, making sure Jaebeom got it in case he had a bad case of concussion and lost his memories while he was in Korea or something.

“Don’t you remember how zestful you were back then? How you kept inviting me to the dorm every time your dorm mate wasn't around?” Jaebeom looked neutral, but he caught that it was meant to taunt.

He should’ve known that Jaebeom would pull that card and how much it could have shaken his act. Jaebeom had used it before and had no reason not to use it again to gain leverage. Everything happening now was his fault. All his faults. “Everyone has a past. I did what I did. You did what you did, doesn’t mean it has to be happening in the present or in this case, future times, as well,” he uttered calmly, trying to pull his mind together. Getting angry would only trigger Jaebeom.

“So we tried. We failed. Let’s try again, fail better, but together. We’ll find a way.”

“Jaebeom, you’re a fine young man, you will inherit your parent’s famous restaurant, you’re good at business, you’re good looking, men and women are in line to be with you. Look forward! There’s no point in keeping alive a relationship that’s dwindled down to the bottom of the well. We don’t belong together, so go ahead and start a new one with someone else, someone that will give you a healthy relationship!”

“If it’s not you, it’s not anyone.”

“Bull.”

“I love you, Jinyoung! I still do!”

“You’re talking nonsense. Please, leave now.” Jinyoung was about to hop on his bike. About to leave the bike parking area. Left Jaebeom.

“No, Jinyoung, wait, Jinyoung! Stop! Hey, look at me!” Jaebeom raised his voice louder. “Look. At. Me.”

Jinyoung stopped in his tracks and froze. Why did he stop? He despised his incapacity in rejecting Jaebeom. That authoritative tone used to make his body whittled in want. It’s funny that it occurred despite what had poured from his mouth earlier.

He shifted his eyes from the pavement to Jaebeom’s eyes, obeying him. He tried to put on a challenging look, though, to no avail.

“I love you. We love each other. Yes, what I did, what we did, wasn’t right, but who cares about being right when we’re together? You said that it changed you into someone stronger! I will stop hurting you, you will stop hurting me, we can go back to what we were before.”

He mustered all the courage in store, pulling up Mark’s words, their moments just yesterday. “Bold for you to say that I love you. You only want me because it’s over. You want me because you know you can use me, hit me, make me cry, and yet I’d still beg for your love. Not anymore.”

Jaebeom clicked his tongue, tousling his pink hair. “Because you have someone at your disposal now?”

“Leave Mark out of this.” Jinyoung gritted his teeth. Mark had never been a part of their and would never be.

“See? I don’t even mention a name, and you’re already seething." Jaebeom shook his head in disbelief. “Look, Mark could be clueless now, but soon he’d realise that he’s just a rebound. And you know what, I don’t care who you’re ing now as long as you love me and agree to be back, then I’ll turn a blind eye.”

“Don’t act like you’re still in charge of my life because you don’t!” he yelled in irritation. He never wanted to drown himself in anger, not anymore. He had passed that stage a while ago. But with Jaebeom acting stubborn and unreasonable, he couldn’t help anything but. “I don’t love you. We ended our relationship two years ago. Stop coming, stop looking for me, stop thinking about the possibility of me still being in love with you!”

“You hate me?”

“Don’t twist my words. And listen, I was the one with equanimity, even when you’re throwing tantrums like a spoiled child. I asked you calmly. I wanted to end it as peacefully as it could be. So don’t bring it up and shove it in my face, trying to guilt-trip me.”

“Then look me in the eyes and say that you don’t love me anymore, say it that you don’t miss those beautiful three years we had together.”

Jinyoung looked away from Jaebeom. There’s no use dwelling on those. It would only drain his energy, the energy he had been trying to gather for the last few days. “I forgot something in the locker. You better not follow me inside.” An excuse.

If Jaebeom kept pestering him in the parking area, he better be back inside. At least there’s security there. He walked past him, surprisingly calm for the situation. But not until Jaebeom grabbed his wrist and stopped him. “Don’t ing touch me,” he hissed, jerking his hand away. His head spun from the touch, memories raining on him, old memories mixing with newer ones.

Jaebeom’s eyebrow shot up, stunned. “You’re hot when you’re angry, and that’s why we did what we did, remember? I can see from your eyes right now that you miss those days, that you miss me. You still love me.” He marched on after no response came from Jinyoung. “Seriously, think about it. We’re gonna have a good time. My number hasn’t changed. Call me anytime.”

The rest of Jaebeom's words didn't reach him because he was already running back into the building as quickly as he could. Youngjae yelled something as he passed the reception desk, but he didn’t stop to listen. Afraid that he’d break down in shambles.

See? Anger would only trigger Jaebeom. As bitter as it sounded, they were a match. A fuse for each other’s explosives. He stopped in front of the caddies’ room door, breath laboured. What’s next? Jaebeom showed up at his apartment? He shuddered just by thinking about that. How could life turn out to be evil to him?

Why was it happening to him? He just wanted a fresh start. Now all Jaebeom’s words were ringing in his ears, even though he shouldn’t let those get inside in the first place.

Did he decide to break up because he was tired of the abuse, or was it because he didn’t love Jaebeom anymore? None of those were clear back then.

Back then, he just wanted to end it. Immediately, because it was hurting him. And because of the haste change of number and address, his mind stuffed everything into the box and tucked it away out of sight. But never actually burned it down to ashes.

He bit his nails, nervous. Did he love Jaebeom? Mark asked the same thing when he drove him home, but he easily disregarded it. But now it’s Jaebeom himself, in the flesh, asking about his feelings. It felt real, like in the face real.

Why did he have to possess such an overthinking mind? He wished to be a person who could live freely without thinking about things that might or might not happen.

Mark indeed could be at his disposal as Jaebeom pointed out. He could be the rebound, bouncing on his own like pinball, yet still a rebound. How would that make Mark feel? He’d hate it. He’d be wretched.

Just a few days ago Mark confessed that he was falling for him. He hadn’t even given a proper answer to that. What a coward. Now he couldn’t even think about Mark without thinking about breaking the other’s heart. Not when his mind was in berserk, again.

This had to stop, sooner or later.

***

“Mark? Are you busy?” Jinyoung said over the phone.

“A little. What is it?”

He grimaced at the flat response but continued nonetheless. They hadn't had contact for the past week. He was fairly reluctant to text first, given the way Mark ended their last conversation at the club rather curtly. And Mark simply didn’t contact him. “I need to talk to you.”

“You want to talk?”

It was subtle, but Mark’s tone had changed. It was laced with something akin to concern. He chewed his lips, delaying his answer to Mark’s question. He could still retreat. He could just say that he missed his voice. It’d been more than a week since they last met anyway. “Yes, can we meet somewhere?”

“I’ll come to your place. Are you there now?”

There was a rustling voice from Mark’s side, perhaps the sound of him getting up from a chair or something. “O-oh, okay. Yeah, I’m at home.”

“Okay, wait. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Jinyoung paced back and forth in his cramped living room, his slimy hand holding his phone. An unsettling feeling gnawing on him. Was he prepared? Should he go this route? Was it the best way?

Mark rang his bell twenty minutes later, showing up at the door with a black roll-neck jumper and a denim jacket, ripped jeans hugging his legs tight. His hair was styled, fringe swept to the side, giving Jinyoung the perfect and constant view of his beautiful forehead. He had never seen him like this. He’s either in an oversized t-shirt with baggy trousers or trackie bottoms, always way too casual attire.

For a moment, he forgot what he wanted to say. Obsessing over the exposed skin on Mark's thighs peeked under the rip of his jeans.

“Jinyoung? Can I come in?”

He cleared his throat, trying to cover his embarrassment. “Sure, come in.”

Mark slipped inside, hands tucked inside his denim jacket’s pockets. He took the liberty to sit on the sofa. “What do you want to talk about, Jinyoungie?”

Jinyoungie. Jinyoungie. He loved how it rolled out of Mark’s mouth, the accent so thick that it flavoured the pronunciation with a little bit of piquancy.

“Jinyoung?”

“Ah, yes… I’m sorry you have to go all the way here. It seems like you’re in the middle of a schedule? Given your, um, outfit.”

“No worries, we’ve finished it. We were just wrapping up when you called.”

“Oh, that’s good to hear.” He could still back out now. Forgot what he wanted to say and just cuddled Mark on the sofa.

“So?”

It’s for the best. “I need a timeout…” He didn’t mind forfeiting his time with Mark so long the latter wouldn’t g