~
it is here, beneath
the maddening silence
i hear your name.
An echo of you.
-stillness;michael faudet.
~

There was a numbing silence between them. Chorong couldn’t look Eunji in the eyes. Her mind was everywhere at once and she couldn’t think of the right words to say. She didn’t even know what she wanted in the first place. Well, she did have a clue but she really couldn’t say until she was sure. Chorong felt suffocated. It was like something was blocking .

“I want to go home,” was all she could say. Eunji’s eyes showed pain and anguish but she just sighed and revved up the engine. The silence stretched until Eunji parked in front of her apartment. Chorong was about to say something, anything actually, to make things feel lighter but Eunji’s eyes were set on the steering wheel. “Meung,” she reached out to hold the girl’s hand.

Eunji gripped the steering wheel, “Let’s do it this way, Atty. Park.”

Chorong’s breath hitched when she heard how serious Eunji sounded. It was a different kind of serious. There was something in her voice that made Chorong’s heart ache so much. Eunji sounded defeated, “Meung.”

“Let’s stop seeing each other outside work. Just so you can make up your mind, Rong,” the doctor looked at her with tired eyes. Chorong felt cold water was showered on her. She didn’t like what she was seeing. She didn’t like seeing her Eunji like that. Her precious and cheerful Eunji.

But it also seemed like the doctor’s mind was already set. Throughout the drive, Eunji kept sighing and biting her lip, as if thinking of what to say to her. Chorong wanted to say sorry for not answering. She wanted to tell Eunji to stop the car so she could hug the girl and just apologize for being unfair.

“But, Eunji, aren’t we…” she trailed off. She didn’t know what else to say because Chorong herself wasn’t aware of what she wanted to say in the first place.

“I don’t think there’s a ‘we’ in this situation, Chorong. You made it clear a while ago,” Eunji turned her head away and chuckled. The chuckle sounded so bitter that Chorong could almost taste it. “I’ll see you at work, Atty.”

She didn’t have much of a choice but to get out of the car. It was until she reached her door that Eunji started to drive away. There was that familiar ache again when she realized that Eunji made sure she was safe before driving away.

Inside her apartment, it felt cold and empty. She looked around and found the small things that reminded her of Eunji. The way her couch was always a mess before but since Eunji loved spending time reading in the living room while Chorong cooked (sometimes she cooked, especially when Eunji requested her special pasta) it was now neat. She wanted to ruin her living room to remove the memory from her brain.

Her kitchen used to have just one set but now there was another set beside hers. It was Eunji’s because every time Chorong would attempt to skip her meals, Eunji would scold her for torturing her own body. Inside her bathroom, her toothbrush was beside Eunji’s. The girl’s facial wash was also there. The mere image of her apartment broke her heart. Within the four corners of her place, Eunji and her kissed, touched, hugged, held hands, and everything in between. Chorong didn’t realize she was crying until she felt a drop of tear on her hand. She noticed that she was clutching the shirt that Eunji loved to wear. It still smelled like Eunji and that made her cry more. Chorong sat on her bed and hugged the shirt, wishing it was Eunji she was hugging instead of a piece of cloth.

~

When Chorong got to her office, Miya laid down the reports of the new accounting team for her. She immediately asked for coffee and sat on her swivel chair. She was thankful that Miya didn’t ask about her oversized shades that she wore even if the weather was gloomy. It seemed like the world was getting on with Chorong’s mood because since last night (just before she fell asleep), the rain started pouring. Until she woke up, the rain was still mercilessly falling with no chances of stopping. There wasn’t any storm, honestly.

“The quarterly meeting will be next week, Ma’am. Miss Sana requests your presence, as always,” Miya said while putting her coffee down.

Chorong removed the sunglasses and looked at Miya. She noticed how her assistant was surprised to see her swollen eyes but she just gave a timid nod before taking the cup of coffee between her lips. “Miya, tell her I’ll be there two days early. I need to see my sister,” she said.

The best part of having Miya as an assistant is that the girl understood her even without having to explain what was happening. It was like Miya could read her like an open book. Chorong didn’t mind because she was grateful that her assistant didn’t have to ask or anything. It saved her the hassle of explaining things. “Duly noted. Also, Doctor Jeong dropped by earlier,” her ears perked upon hearing the doctor. Chorong looked at Miya with a little hope in her eyes, “She gave this leave request letter. It’s been a year and she hasn’t used her leaves. She’s requesting fifteen days leave.”

“Why?” she didn’t want to admit that there was a little pinch in her heart when she heard the word ‘leave’. Was it because of her? Was it because she couldn’t make up her mind? Was Eunji going to leave for good this time? Why was she overthinking? “Call her here,” Chorong was mad. She wanted to tell Eunji that their relationship, whatever it was, shouldn’t come in between their work.

“She’s currently in the middle of a surgery, ma’am. I will tell her assistant to relay the message after,” Miya gave her a courteous bow and left. Chorong massaged her temples and sighed. If she loses Eunji as a doctor, their rate will surely go down. She wasn’t going to lose Eunji. Not professionally but she wasn’t sure about it personally.

Chorong wasn’t sure how she managed to pull through until after lunch but when a knock finally snapped her back to reality, she realized that she had skipped breakfast and lunch. After that cup of coffee she had, she was buried in the pile of paperworks she had to review. “Come in,” her voice was tired, almost inaudible.

Eunji’s head peeked through the opening, “You called me here?”

The doctor’s voice instantly made her better. Chorong wanted to run to Eunji and just hug her, tell her she’s sorry for what she had done. She wanted to lose it. No. Chorong wanted Eunji between her arms again and it was unbearable to see the girl be cautious around her.

“Yes,” she answered. Chorong took the paper that Eunji dropped earlier and gestured to the doctor to have a seat. When Eunji finally revealed herself, Chorong’s heart dropped. The doctor didn’t look any better than she did. If possible, Eunji looked worse. But nonetheless, she still looked as breathtaking as ever. Chorong couldn’t look at Eunji but she spoke, “This is about the leave you applied for.”

“Ah, yeah. I’m gonna use my leaves because I need to go back to Seoul,” Eunji explained even before she could ask why she’d use up all her leaves.

“Meung,” her voice softened when Eunji sat on the couch inside her office. She was reminded of the days where the doctor would sit on that very spot just to wait for her to finish work. Or when Eunji just finished another eight to ten hours operation and she wanted to be safe from the pesky nurses who wanted to flirt with her. “If this is because of what happened, you shouldn’t let personal matters get in the middle of work.”

It felt like a gunshot through her heart when Eunji laughed at her. It wasn’t the laugh that made her feel at ease, rather it made her feel little, “Atty. Park, I’m not taking a leave because of you. Not everything is about you, Chorong. I have a life outside Busan. A life in Seoul and my family requests my presence. It’s not about you. Please get over yourself.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Chorong was caught red handed. “I just gave it thought because of what happened yesterday.”

“What happened yesterday isn’t concerning work. I’m applying for my leave as a doctor who didn’t go back to Seoul for the past twelve months. According to my contract, Sana gave me half a month every year to go back to Seoul. I’m claiming it now. If you think that’s not fair, kindly talk to Ms. Minatozaki because that’s what we agreed on,” Eunji stood up and gave her a bow. “Good day, Atty. Park.”

When Eunji left, Chorong’s heart sank. She didn’t mean to offend Eunji or anything but it was exactly what happened. She was trying to fix the crack between them but it happened, it seemed that the crack became worse. Nonetheless, Chorong signed the approval for the leave and called Miya to give it back to Eunji. Her head was everywhere but at work. Her mind kept drifting back to the time when Eunji forced her to go home because she was overworking herself. The girl made her sleep and cooked for her. When she woke up, Eunji was at the living room, reading a book about how to make stupid people follow commands. Chorong flicked the doctor’s forehead and then laughed. They ended up cuddling on the couch and Chorong falling asleep between Eunji’s arms. That was the first time she slept so soundly.

~

Just like that, a week passed and Chorong was on her way to Seoul for the quarterly meeting. Although she already told Sana that she’ll be in Seoul at least a day earlier because she wanted to meet her sister. Chorong didn’t bother to bring clothes to Seoul because her unit in Cheongdam-Dong was already filled with clothes she couldn’t bring in Busan. It was both a blessing and a curse to be her father’s daughter.

When she arrived at her unit, she rested for a while before she took a shower. She sent a message to her youngest sister to tell her that she’s around. They’ve always been close even though they have different moms. Chorong adored how her sister was way ahead of her age with her way of thinking. She didn’t bother to wait for the reply because she wanted to sleep. Maybe in Seoul, she’d be more at peace.

The day after their mini argument in the office, Eunji went to Seoul. She didn’t even say goodbye to Chorong. She had to admit that she hated how things were going. She hated the fact that Eunji would completely ignore her in the pantry. She hated how Eunji would skip regular break hours just so Chorong wouldn’t see her. She hated how Eunji would take off days during the times Chorong was free the most. Bottomline: Chorong hated being apart from the doctor.

She woke up with the smell of kimchi soup coming from the kitchen. Chorong got up and looked at the clock. It was eleven in the morning and Chorong wanted more sleep if it weren’t for her sister cooking for her yet again. She already knew that it was her sister because there were only two people who knew her apartment code.

“Oh Hayoung, why are you here before lunch? I think I specifically told you to drop by after lunch?” Chorong slumped on the table, still sleepy.

“Good morning to you as well, big sister,” her younger sister looked at her with a disappointed face. “Let me read your message so you can understand how alarming it seemed.”

Hayoung fished her phone from her pocket and looked for Chorong’s name in her messages. “No,” Chorong whined and dra