~
i’m the kind of girl who has a
restless mind and impatient legs..
i watched as her fingers nervously
flicked the well worn elastic
of her white cotton .
i want you to ruin me..
- ruin me;michael faudet.
~

A quarter before twelve and Eunji was sitting on the balcony of her unit. She was looking at random people, secretly judging them, silently laughing to herself. Beside her was a glass of whiskey and her pack of reds. She took her pack and took out a stick. Eunji lit up the cigar and puffed the smoke upwards. With another puff, she felt the nicotine enter her lungs, killing it with every puff that came after. Eunji relaxed and leaned her head back.

“Are you really sure?” Namjoo spoke behind her, a piece of chicken between her fingers. Eunji couldn’t help but turn her head and chuckle when she saw how her cousin looked, “Relocating is a huge decision.”

Eunji took another puff before putting out the cigarette, “It’s hard to breathe here in Seoul. I think it’s a good opportunity to explore as a doctor. There are too many cardios here anyway.”

She heard how Namjoo giggled before she sat just before the sliding door, still inside the unit, “I heard your girlfriend’s dating a male model. How’s that working out for you and her?”

“Ex,” Eunji took another cigarette. The stress was still in her system and she needed more smoke to feel more relieved, “I broke up with her earlier. I told you,” she took a puff. “I’ve had enough of that. She calls me when she’s and after making her come, she’d tell me to leave because her manager might come. It’s always about her career, Namjoo. It’s like I’m suddenly a buddy. No labels, no emotions, just .”

“,” her cousin leaned back and crossed her arms. “I thought you two were permanent, you know? You were with her since she was struggling to book shoots. You were there, reviewing for your boards, while she was having her shoot. It’s weird. You two have been together since eight years ago. College days, med school days,” Namjoo looked at her nails while saying her monologue.

Eunji sighed, “I don’t think we have the same idea of love now that we have different priorities. It’s fine. You know, now that I’m thinking about it, I think I was just waiting for her to break up with me but with the way things were, I just had to do it on my own. I think since her big break, I’ve been slowly accepting that sooner or later, we’d be separating ways.”

The idea of separating or breaking up with Naeun, her first love, was heartbreaking before. Eunji didn’t have an idea when she had accepted that but she was also surprised when she managed to break up with Naeun after they did it for the last time. She was surprised when Naeun told her that breaking up wasn’t an option. Why not? Surely, Naeun would have felt the change and the gap that they couldn’t stop from widening. It was weird. But Eunji’s decision was firm. If being out wasn’t an option, okay. But being a warm body to call was definitely something she will not agree to be.

“Do you think there’s another person?” Namjoo asked, this time her tone was careful, almost scared that Eunji might snap or break if she didn’t choose her words carefully.

She shook her head, “No. Naeun is not that type of person.” Eunji stared at the piece of stick between her index and middle finger before she continued, “I know that it’s still me but not entirely me as well. It’s a little complicated but to put it short, no, there’s no other person. We’ve remained faithful to each other, emotionally and physically, until the end. It’s just that when asked about the future, our pictures are now different.”

Eunji was surprised when Namjoo hugged her. It wasn’t an entire hug. Just the younger girl hugged her head, “I’m sorry that you’re breaking, Eunji.”

“We all need to break at some point in our lives,” she patted Namjoo’s arms around her neck and put out the cigarette. “I’ll leave at dawn. Take care of my unit?”

She stood up and stretched her arms. Namjoo picked up another chicken and continued eating, “You sure you won’t let me pay you? I can pay, you know. I have money.”

“No. Just stay here. So when I go home, I have someone to go home to,” she ruffled Namjoo’s hair and went to her room.

Inside the four corners of her room, she stared at the wall. She looked at every angle and imagined how Naeun would stand there, laughing at whatever silly thing they were making fun of. She imagined how Naeun would walk up to hug her. How Naeun would try on different clothes and Eunji would rate them. She’d imagine how they made love within the four corners of the very room she was in.

It was hard. The idea of breaking up was never easy for anyone. Not even when she already accepted that it was inevitable. Eunji wasn’t the type to dwell much on her emotions but she couldn’t help but feel devastated when she remembered how much she had planned to spend her days with Naeun. It was weird for her to wake up and not tell the girl about how her dream went. It was a different kind of heartbreak. It was the type that was fulfilling yet damaging.

Eunji didn’t think she’d cry after all the nights she already dried her tear ducts out. But when she felt the tears falling on her lap, she touched her cheek. She was crying. No, she wasn’t weeping like she normally did during the past few days (months to a year, actually). As soon as Eunji acknowledged that she wasn’t that okay, her sobs appeared. The first sob felt like a punch in the gut. The second sob was like a boulder that fell on her shoulders. And then the third, followed by the fourth, until she lost count. Eunji buried her face in her hands and cried. She cried and cried because that was all she could do. She knew it wasn’t going to work. Getting back together with Naeun would just cause more damage. She’d rather break the relationship up than be the cause of Naeun’s breakage. She wasn’t selfish to trap Naeun in a relationship that was bound to end anyway.

As she settled on her bed, she stared at the ceiling. In less than five hours, she needed to travel to Busan. To forget about Seoul and start anew. She was going to do things she didn’t do. She was somewhat excited that she would be able to ruin someone. To make them shiver in pleasure. She wasn’t able to satisfy her own needs during the last stretch of their relationship. Which is why when she found the streamer with the name princess_lea, she became a regular viewer. She would donate sums of money just to see the girl touch herself online. Without Eunji knowing, Lea became the only thing that gets her excited to go home. Just earlier, Eunji donated a thousand dollars because Lea looked amazing. She always imagined how her hands would look around Lea’s neck.

The thought made her shiver in excitement.

~

Busan was beautiful. It had a different vibe compared to Seoul. Eunji arrived around six in the morning. It was faster to drive before everyone was awake. She didn’t wake Namjoo up but left a note saying she’ll be leaving. Sleepy, Eunji took a nap before she went out to go to work. But before she did so, she dropped by a cafe.

“Morning,” she greeted the barista. “Ice americano, venti, thanks,” Eunji waited on the side. She fished out her phone and saw Namjoo’s message.

From: Namjoo
You’re leaving for Busan and will be staying there! You’re not going on a vacation! You should have least let me hug you before you left?! I hate you!

Eunji shook her head and locked her phone again. Namjoo would live. She didn’t need more emotional turmoil. She wouldn’t admit but leaving was hard for her. It was heavier than she predicted it to be.

“Ice americano for Eunji?” She went to the barista and claimed her drink. She looked at her time and saw that it was almost seven in the morning. She murmured a thanks and immediately turned to the exit. On her way out, she bumped into someone, causing the person to fall on her bum. Eunji extended her hand, offering to help. She heard the woman apologize. Eunji saw a glimpse of the girl she bumped into. She smiled, “Sorry, I was in a hurry. See ya.”

As soon as she got inside her car, she looked at the window and saw the same girl she bumped into. Eunji smiled as she checked out the girl’s body. She couldn’t stop herself from chuckling before she drove away.

Pretty, Eunji thought.

When she finally found a parking spot, she rested first. Eunji dialed Sana’s number and waited until the young CEO answered the call, “Sana, I’m here. It’s a bit unannounced, don’t you think?”

“It’s fine. Atty. Park is there, she’ll be able to handle a little surprise,” Sana chuckled on the other line.

“I’m sorry for demanding a lot especially when I just agreed two days ago,” she took a sip of her drink and waited until it was seven thirty. When Sana ended the call (after giving her a handful of sermon), Eunji fixed her bangs and went out of her car. She asked the information where the known Atty. Park’s office was located.

When she got to the top most floor, she heard a voice from inside the office, “I was driving!” Eunji tilted her head and recognized it as the voice of the girl she bumped into just earlier. There was a pause before she heard, “Come in.” Eunji entered the office and saw a girl with short black hair and suit on. She felt a little conscious with just her jeans and button down shirt.

“Hi?” she greeted and asked at the same time. She saw how the girl who was sitting at the swivel chair raised her eyebrow. Eunji wanted to smirk. She thought of a thousand ways on how to wipe that frown out of the girl’s face. But she mentally slapped herself. It was her supposed boss for Pete’s sake.

“You are?” Eunji wanted to pull the girl’s hair, make form an ‘O’. It was so out of her character to feel something that strong just off the bat.

“I’m Jeong Eunji. Sana told me to come here because this is the furthest hospital she has under her name. I’m the doctor,” she watched how the Attorney’s assistant slipped out of the room, avoiding the burst of temper that was evident in the atmosphere. “Did I come at the wrong time? I can leave if you need more time with your assistant,” she was about to turn around when she heard the girl stop her. After their discussion, Atty. Park dismissed her. Eunji saw how the other girl looked at her a little too longer than normal so she purposely swayed her before closing the door.

Miya showed her around the hospital. She noticed how despite Busan being a province, MP Corp made sure that their facilities were up par with the ones in Seoul. Eunji looked around, met her secretary, and saw her office. When she got tired, she went to her car to get some of her non-negotiable stuff. She felt a pair of eyes on her but when she looked around, there was none. When she came back inside the hospital, she was assisted by a nurse.

“I see you’re a surgeon. We only have two at the moment,” the nurse twirled her hair with her finger. Eunji knew instantly what she was trying to do. She shook her head and slipped her hand inside her pocket. “If you need help, I’m on the second floor, doc.”

“Well now you have three, right?” she opened the door to her office and settled down. She saw the nurse leave a note on her table containing her number. Eunji saved the number. It’ll be useful in the future.

Nothing much happened throughout the day, honestly. She spent her day scrolling through her phone, waiting for the day to end because she wanted to prepare before her first clinic tomorrow. But before she could leave, she was called by Miya, the secretary of Atty. Park. “There’s a welcoming party for you. It’s just around the block. Every other doctor in your department will be there. Even the residents.”

“Oh, okay then,” Miya turned to her heel and walked back to Atty. Park’s office. Eunji shrugged and looked for the pub that Miya told her.

At the pub, the older doctors kept asking her about her marital status. It took all her effort not to roll her eyes at her supposed seniors. She kept asking herself why she was placed as the head when there were doctors at the department to begin with. Was it because she was considered as a ‘seasoned doctor’ in Seoul?

Tired of thinking, she looked at Atty. Park who looked like she was in the same predicament as her. When Atty. Park’s eyes met hers, Eunji fought a smirk but smiled instead. She also raised her shot glass, inviting the girl for a shot. She felt relieved when the girl did the same actions and took a shot with her. Eunji found a little bit of comfort with exchanging glances with Atty. Park, drinking with her even with the distance between them.

After their drinking session, Eunji was still sure she could drive herself home. She had an amazing tolerance for alcohol anyway. She waited inside her car until she saw Atty. Park’s driver (from the hospital, assuming) drove away. Eunji drove home and took a quick shower before dumping herself on the bed. She heard the notification bell from her phone.

It was Lea. The brown locks of the girl rested on her bare chest. Eunji was in for a tough night.

She witnessed how Lea came undone in front of the camera. Eunji felt hot all over again. She ran her fingers through her hair and pressed the donate button. She donated a thousand and five hundred because Lea surely made her feel like she needed a good .

~

It was Sunday and Eunji felt like she needed to go out. Seeing that she was trying to subtly change her life, she went to the church. Eunji couldn’t remember the last time she stepped inside a holy place. She looked around and saw the details of the church. She saw the families bringing their children. She saw a couple holding hands and she felt a bit sad because she suddenly missed how it felt to be with someone who was proud of her. Proud to be holding her hand.

Eunji felt the weight on her shoulders. She went out of the church and stood by the garbage bin. She took a piece of stick and her lighter from her back pocket. The taste of nicotine never fails to calm her down, to remove the thoughts from her head. She saw Atty. Park approaching with a garbage bag being dragged behind her. Eunji gave her a smile.

“I thought doctors were supposed to tell their patients to lay off the vices,” the short haired girl told her. Eunji smirked and shrugged. She looked at how Chorong blushed and shivered under her touch. When she flirted with the girl, Chorong subtly flirted back. She made a bold move to touch Chorong’s back but when she saw that there was no resistance from the girl, she continued to do so. Honestly, Eunji felt comfortable around Chorong. Which was weird because she rarely warmed up with people that easily. Despite Chorong’s stoic image in the hospital, she was actually really nice. At least, that’s what Eunji thought.

The image of Chorong still burned inside Eunji’s head until she reached her house. She tried everything just to not think about how Chorong’s eyes would flutter and sparkle when a kid would talk to her. Eunji tried not to think of how oddly familiar the girl was. She already went for a run, cooked food for herself, and took a shower. On her bed, she was still bugged. Something about the girl made her restless. Eunji couldn’t believe that she was stressing out about someone she barely knew.

Eunji couldn’t take it anymore. She went to the nurse who flirted with her and banged her eyes out. But still, Eunji was still feeling off. When the nurse was on her knees, she almost punched herself when she saw Chorong for a split second. She wanted Chorong. It was unlikely for her to want someone so much. She imagined how Chorong would squirm under her touch. Honestly, Eunji would choose Chorong over her fantasies with Lea. It was making her insane.

It didn’t help that during the next Sunday, Eunji went to church again. She needed to confirm if she was really attracted to Chorong or she was just . Eunji wanted to run for her life when she suddenly associated Chorong with Lea. They were so similar yet so different at the same time. Lea was sultry while Chorong was gentle.

When Chorong placed a hand on her shoulder, Eunji burned. “Hey, you okay?”

No. Eunji wasn’t okay. She wanted to figure out why she wasn’t though. She wanted to undress Chorong. To explore every part of her. To ruin her. To ruin her to the point where she won’t be able to come unless it was Eunji who was touching her. It was crazy.

But Eunji nodded, “Are you worried about me, Atty. Park?”

It was a surprise when Chorong smirked. It really looked like how Lea would smirk but Eunji shoved the thought out of her mind. There was a moment of thought that passed by in Chorong’s eyes before she looked at Eunji and left, taking her sunglasses with her. Eunji was close to insanity at this point. She was losing her mind with the way Chorong would reel her in only to shut the door in her face. The doctor ran her fingers through her hair and chuckled, “Damn, I need a stick.”

Lea wasn’t helping her. It was making everything worse. When Lea told the stream that she was feeling sick, Eunji felt down. She donated enough to buy food and medicine. She didn’t like it when anyone got sick. It must be the doctor side of her.

Eunji didn’t see Chorong much in the hospital. The lawyer was always inside her office, working like a maniac. She had never seen someone so workaholic before. Well, she was like that. But Eunji’s work was different. She handled lives. Eunji leaned back and looked at the ceiling.

She couldn’t wait for Sunday.

It was like a film camera being clicked when she realized it. Moreover, it was like an alarm going off inside her brain. It was loud, red, and attention seeking. Eunji couldn’t stop herself from staring the whole time that she was playing with the kids at the outreach. The blindfold was a giveaway. Chorong was her and Eunji couldn’t believe it. She was suddenly in deep thought. All those nights of her trying to decipher why she couldn’t stop comparing Chorong and Lea were finally answered. There was a certain wave of power that ran through her system when she saw how Chorong’s eyes waivered. She identified fear but also excitement. More of fear actually. Who wouldn’t be scared? She knew how judgemental people can be. But Eunji wasn’t the type to ruin everyone’s fun. As long as there were no lives being taken, she wouldn’t give a damn about anyone’s hobbies.

When she said she wanted to ruin Chorong’s life, she meant it in a harmless way. She just wanted to make Chorong squirm, beg, and just cry for her to be touched. She wanted Chorong to crave for her touch, kiss. She wanted Chorong to crave her. It was sort of insane how Eunji wanted the girl. There was something about Chorong that really makes her crazy. She left before she could do anything more than a whisper. For her, consent is the number one thing that matters.

It was a surprise for her when Chorong appeared in front of her door. During dinner, she watched how Chorong would put the spoon between her lips. Eunji wanted to see how it would look if her fingers were the ones between those lips of hers. The lawyer seemed oblivious about her thoughts so she mentally slapped herself and just continued eating. She was surprised when Chorong mentioned something about commitments. Eunji couldn’t stop herself from laughing because she was so sure that she didn’t want any commitment as well. She just wanted .

Chorong’s first move shocked her. The kiss wasn’t as she expected. It was raw, inexperienced, almost desperate. It was like all restrictions suddenly disappeared when their lips touched. For the longest time, Eunji had been yearning for this kind of feeling. She lost count on how many times she sighed against Chorong’s lips, liking how fit they were with each other. It was different. It felt satisfying to kiss the short haired girl. Eunji took her time, something she wasn’t able to do with before. before was always against the time. But it’s different. With Chorong, she could do it. She was able to worship the girl’s body and take her time exploring every part of it.

Eunji saw how Chorong was aching. She instantly felt guilty because she wasn’t able to stop herself from wanting more. She remembered how Chorong stirred when Eunji took a new shirt from her closet and put it on the girl. She found a set of unused underwear as well so she made sure that Chorong wore one just so she wouldn’t get cold. Morning came and Eunji cooked for them. She wanted to ensure that Chorong would get home safely and because she was the cause of the girl’s exhaustion, she drove Chorong home and hailed a cab for herself. It was aftercare. Eunji wanted Chorong to experience aftercare because it looked like the girl never had it before.

~

She was surprised when Chorong agreed to what she was asking. Honestly, she expected the rejection but she was thankful. It was weird how comfortable she was with Chorong around her. After their first on stream, it was unexpected for Chorong to ask her stay. She was so used to leaving after .

The next time Chorong woke up, Eunji was smoking. She was thinking of why it felt warm when Chorong took her cigarette away and scolded her. She couldn’t explain why she was amused with how Chorong’s face turned into a frown while explaining why she didn’t like the smell of smoke.

The next day, she stared at the pack of cigarettes on her table. She has yet to take a stick since she woke up and went to work. Chorong kept reminding her about it. As much as she wanted to take one stick between her lips, she didn’t want Chorong to get mad at her. Something about keeping the arrangement. She didn’t want to cause any disagreement between them. But that didn’t mean that her body didn’t crave nicotine.

It was irritating. She kept glaring at people because she was sort of having a bad day. Normally, she’d smoke after her consultation and then smoke after her rounds but since she wasn’t able to smoke, she kept eating nuts and gummies. The moment she was asked to supervise a surgery, Eunji demanded for a pack of nuts just so she wouldn’t lose it. Eunji had been smoking since she was in college. It was something that eventually became natural for her. So to think that she was quitting because she wanted to keep seeing Chorong was something bothering for her. Chorong was way better than any brand of cigarette she ever smoked. Chorong tasted better than when she had a sip of one of the most expensive wines in the world.

Three days after her last stick, Eunji was having the worst headache she could possibly imagine. It was like her head was being split into two. She already took mefenamic but the migraine was too much that she just wanted to give in and take a stick. Maybe just one. One stick wouldn’t hurt, right?

“Hey, you look sick,” Chorong entered her consultation room with a worried look on her face. Yes, the girl’s voice was soft yet it sounded like a bang of a gong because of the migraine that Eunji was nursing. “Are you okay?”

She nodded but closed her eyes, “My head hurts but it’ll be fine.”

“Are you experiencing withdrawal?” the attorney sat on the chair and tilted her head. “I heard from Miya that some nurses were getting scared by how cranky you were the past few days so I went here to reprimand you.”

“Reprimand me for quitting my only stress reliever?” Eunji reached for the gummies and started eating it. She had been consuming a good amount of snacks just to compensate for the urges to smoke. “Did you know that I haven’t gone to the gym since that night because I haven’t had the motivation?” there was a groan that escaped her lips. Chorong chuckled and reached out to pat Eunji on the head.