Reviewer: minminXP

Story title: I’m not his girlfriend; I’m his bodyguard!

Authors: JessieUnlucky13 and CloudFiction

Title: 8/10

Your title can truly grab attention. It’s unique and quirky. One thing I’m not satisfied about it how all the words do not have their first letters capitalized. It should be “I’m Not His Girlfriend, I’m His Bodyguard!”

Storyline: 16/20

The story seems interesting so far, with a strange beginning.

Appearance: 3/5

You have a poster at the forewords, but the rest of the chapters are left comparatively blank. If you don’t want to use the poster for the rest of the chapters, maybe you’d like to put random pictures that have relation to the chapter’s contents there for variety.

I don’t like how your paragraphs are so short; it makes the chapter seem rather choppy. You can add more description into your chapters to make it seem longer, but be careful not to rant on and on about insignificant details.

What’s more, you italicize your character’s thoughts in your chapters. There is actually no need for that. It’s unnecessary since the story is being written in the character’s point of view already, so everything being said is actually the character’s thoughts.

Writing Style: 4/10

Your writing is very simple. What we see is what we get, there are no hidden meanings in your story, neither are there hints of something under the surface. It’s a little shallow, and there is no depth to whatever you have written. You tend to make a joke out of almost every element in the story. While I recognize that comedy is an important aspect of your story, you should know when to hold back so that something a little more serious can shine through.

For example, the most serious point of the story so far was during Autumn’s flashback. Normally, most people who just survived a fire wouldn’t be that nonchalant when they wake up. The way that she and Void are able to carry out a teasing conversation almost immediately after she woke up is unsettling. Maybe this is just her personality, but I don’t think that she would be this unfeeling about her own life and her parents, would she? It seems to me as if she’s making her life seem something that she can just throw away.

Characterization: 8/10

Autumn is a unique character, and we can see is that she’s crude and tough. Occasionally, her soft side would show when dealing with someone nice, like Ryeowook. Or when she offered to pay for the members’ dinner at the restaurant. She seems to have taken a very laidback approach to life, and that she yearns to bask in the warmth of her sister’s love. I don’t like how she constantly swears, but if that’s just how she’s like, than I don’t see why I can criticize her for that. It’s just another bad habit of hers, another quirk that makes her unique.

Story Flow: 6/10

The story has progressed fairly fast, but I don’t like how so many things have gone unexplained. However, I cannot judge fairly on this category since there are only five chapters in this story.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 4/10

You made a few vocabulary errors, and you seem to not understand the meaning of the word.

For example, Void said that she’s an orphan, but yet she says that she wants to find her parents. That probably means that her parents are still alive, right? The definition of an orphan is that of a child who has lost both parents through death. In this case, the word ‘orphan’ was used in the wrong context, and this will cause confusion to the readers.

What’s more, you made quite a few grammatical errors. I’m extremely picky on grammar, and I deducted quite a few points based on those mistakes.

For example, in chapter one, you wrote this: “Refer to me as Maple Leaf. To your bigger brother.”

It should be: “Refer to me as Maple Leaf to your big brother.”

One more thing: you tend to use ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’. They have two different meanings. ‘You’re’ is the short form for ‘you are’, whereas ‘your’ means that it belongs to the person. Please get the two meanings clear before using any of them. It’s a very common mistake, and its one that annoys me to no end.

Creativity and Originality: 12/15

It was pretty creative. Having a character like Autumn is a breath of fresh air from all the other common variations of fanfic heroines.

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10

Although you committed a lot of errors, those were technical ones that did not make much difference to the storyline.

Sub-Total: 69/100

Bonus: /5 

Total: 69/100