Reviewer: minminXP

Author: scha_eyqa

Story name: Step to Paradise

Title: 4/10

I didn’t find the title original enough, since I’ve come across numerous stories with similar sounding titles. I gave you points for the title connecting with the main character’s situation. Since many other girls envy her for her connections with BTOB, I guess that, in a way, it is a type of paradise.

Storyline: 13/20

Since the story has just started, I’m not able to judge clearly on this. However, the first few chapters are what hold the reader’s attention to continue reading the story. Unfortunately, I feel that you haven’t done a good job of that yet. Maybe as the story progresses, it will get more interesting, but for now, I feel that it’s not quite up to standard yet.

Appearance: 4/5

Your paragraphing is pretty neat, and you have a well-made poster.

Writing Style: 4/10

Based on my opinion, I don’t like your style. I find it a little too choppy and, at times, a tad cheesy. Your sentence structures are also too direct and straightforward.

I’ve never been a fan of the ‘you’ characterization variety, but to be fair, I won’t deduct marks for that.

Instead of simple vocabulary, you should inject more complicated words in your sentences. Of course, be sure not to overdo it. For example, instead of “You feel happy when hearing her words”; you should use “You felt like your heart was going to burst with joy after hearing what she had to say.” By doing so, you will sound a lot more eloquent.

Characterization: 5/10

I am not able to judge this bit fairly either because there’re too few chapters. One thing I don’t like is how you list out all the qualities of your characters on the front page. A character’s traits should be revealed chapter by chapter, not tossed at the reader all at the start. This way, you will be able to develop your character’s personality throughout the story. You will be surprised at how much your character has grown throughout the story.

Story Flow: 6/10

The story was slow at the start, albeit rather choppy. However, I think you added the bit about the main character’s mother way too early on in the story. It was a bit abrupt and it somehow seemed like you were rushing the story along.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 3/10

I really, really, dislike your grammar. You have a few spelling and punctuation errors, but they’re pretty minor and rare, so I guess it should be considered as fine so far, but you have been making serious grammatical errors. They’re everywhere, and it gives me a headache trying to make sense of what you have written. For example, I will re-write the first part of your story for you and you can compare it with your own writing.

Original

You wake up in the middle of morning when you mom shook your body softly.

“ __________-ah, wake up sweaty. “ your mom woke you up softly.

“ Omma, five minutes more. It’s still early and I’m sleepy.” you whined and pull blanket all over your face.

“You have to wake up sweaty. I make your favorite pancake.”

As soon as you heard pancake words, you quickly kick your blanket away and rush to bathroom. Your mom chuckle at your addiction to pancake. She shook her head and walks out from your room, head to the kitchen.

You pilled the pipe open and cold water run through your body.

“ Arghh! Cold!” you yelled and your body starts to shiver.

10 minutes later, you walk out from bathroom and wear your red dress with white shirt.

You tied your head into ponytail and walk out from your room, run to the kitchen hurriedly. While you running, you didn’t look ahead until you hit someone. You fall on the cold floor and winced. You heard a chuckle and you quickly shoot your eyes up to look at the owner of the figure.

Re-written

You woke up mid-morning when your mom gently shook your body.

“_______-ah, wake up sweety.” Your mom whispered softly.

“Omma, five more minutes please. It’s still early and I’m sleepy.” You whined and pulled the blanket over your face.

“You have to wake up sweety. I made your favorite pancakes.”

As soon as you heard the word ‘pancakes’, you quickly kicked your blanket away and rushed to the bathroom. Your mom chuckled at your pancake addiction. Shaking her head while walking out of your room, she headed to the kitchen.

“Argh! Cold!” You yelled, and your body started to shiver.

10 minutes later, you walked out of the bathroom, donning your red dress with a white shirt.

You tied your hair into a ponytail and ran to the kitchen in a hurry. While you were running, you didn’t notice that someone was standing in front of you until you ran headfirst into the person. You fell on the cold floor and winced, all while hearing the person chuckle. You quickly looked up to see who the person was.

As you can see, there’re numerous mistakes in just the first part of chapter 1. Not only are there grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes, but you have also managed to use words in the wrong context. For example, I don’t think you can tie your head into a ponytail. It’s scientifically impossible.

Creativity and Originality: 6/15

It was too clichéd for my taste. I saw what was coming next, and I didn’t like how it seemed like every other school storyline. I have read many stories where the girls are always envied for hanging out with the popular guys of the school, and are always bullied with the popular guy’s knowledge. Do add something different into your story.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10

I didn’t enjoy your story, although I’m sure that there were other people who did. I’m sorry if I may have seemed harsh, but that’s my reviewing style. I hope that I have been able to help you understand what you have done right and what you have done wrong. Remember that I review stories in order to help people improve. Thank you for requesting at SpinWebs!

Sub-Total: 49/100

Bonus: 0/5 

Total: 49/100