“Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll be alright,” Ryeowook reiterated once again to his mother who was trying to hide her internal panic, but her poorly disguised frantic tone was not helping. “I won’t do it again, I promise.”

What Ryeowook last said was meant to be reassuring, but instead, it left the person on the other line silent. Ryeowook let out a soft chuckle, an attempt to ease the worries of his concerned mother, “Really, Mom. I promise.”

He heard his mother finally sighed in surrender. “You know I love you, right?”

“Yes, I know. And I love you, too. I won’t hurt you like that again.” Ryeowook’s heart broke at his own words, feeling an enormous amount of guilt once again consume his whole being as he remembered one of the darkest moments of his life, literally and figuratively.

Ryeowook could not feel anything—he only felt heavy numbness all over his body, as a small amount of consciousness finally slipped back in. It was not much so he couldn't open his eyes, but it was enough to hear some words, albeit the voices sounding as if they were muffled. Among the hysterical cries, Ryeowook heard a distinct voice which he knew so well to be his mom’s. “We’re losing him,” he heard his Mom say with heavy grief, but with no trace of hopelessness. At that point, Ryeowook felt a rush of regret take over his senses, and all he could ever remember was himself desperately pleading for a second chance to live.

“I love you,” he heard his Mom say again, quietly and calmly this time. “Call me when you get back?”

“I promise. I’ll be back.”

Ryeowook smiled faintly on his phone before putting it back in the pocket of his trench coat, which he then wrapped tightly around him as he felt the crisp autumn breeze brush gently upon stepping out of the airport. He immediately felt a pang of nostalgia as he saw the same convenience store on the other side of the street which looked like it just got its walls repainted. As far as Ryeowook could remember, it previously had faded peach walls the last time he saw it, but now, it was a bit more vibrant and a lot cleaner. For the hotteok vendor who was starting to set up his small stall just beside the convenience store though, nothing seemed to have changed, except that his wooden stall looked a bit creakier, but not any less sturdy. It’s that time of the year again, Ryeowook quipped.

He got a better view of the streets as he rode a taxi, and he looked around and saw the all too familiar surroundings, but at the same time, something about everything felt different. Aside from the greater attention he finally gave to what’s outside, he knew the change he felt wasn’t because of anything external; he knew exactly the one thing that has changed, but he couldn’t confront himself about it—at least not now, he muttered to himself.

“Have a great evening,” the taxi driver politely bid him goodbye to which he responded with a light but sincere smile before alighting the vehicle. Ryeowook immediately shivered, feeling the autumn wind blow a little more strongly now, this time with a hint of salty breeze, as he heard the crashes of the waves to the shore from a walking distance. He tried to shake his hands to loosen them up. He didn’t realize how he unconsciously clenched them into a tight fist, probably because of the sudden gush of the cool wind. He rubbed his hands together, before putting them inside of each side’s pocket and started walking to where the sound of the crashes of the waves were coming from.

Ryeowook could hear his heartbeats getting louder and louder with every step, though after what had happened, he smiled at the sound, genuinely pleased—a reassurance that he was indeed alive. As if they were beats of drums on a lively festival, his feet tried to match his heartbeats’ pace, until he found himself running, warmth slowly taking over his body which was shivering in cold just a few minutes ago.

Hands on his knees, he tried to catch his breath upon reaching the edge of the cemented pathway, just before the mounts of rocks which led towards the sea. He slowly treaded towards one of the bigger rocks near the shore, and removed his coat before seating himself on a flat surface. He wrapped his coat around him and let out a big sigh, unsure whether it was of relief or of tiredness from the sudden sprint. But he just stared ahead, towards the horizon where the sun was starting to dip itself down.

After the earlier rush of adrenaline, a wave of melancholy started to kick in, a feeling which he gladly welcomed. Part of being alive, I guess, he joked to himself. He could feel a familiar presence approaching him but he did not look back to give the presence attention, until it finally reached his side and sat beside him. He finally gave the other a look, which was looking back at him with eyes which felt home. He smiled back: “Kyuhyun-ah,” he gently called. The smile on the other’s face grew even wider upon hearing Ryeowook call his name, his eyes almost twinkling as it captured a glint of the setting sun.

Ryeowook heard his stomach grumble, remembering only now that he skipped his lunch. He looked at Kyuhyun who just shook his head as he laughed while rummaging through his bag and finding two rolls of tuna kimbap which he handed over to the starving guy. Ryeowook accepted without any hesitation. The thought of eating the food prepared by Kyuhyun always made him giddy, and he excitedly munched on the first five slices, earning a worried look from Kyuhyun, who immediately scoured through his bag once again to look for a bottle of water. This made Ryeowook smile, and he finally slowed down on his food intake, finally tasting the salty cheese inside the rice roll, and enjoying the crispy celery, the combination which Ryeowook always loved.

After finally munching the last piece, Kyuhyun took the wrapper foils from Ryeowook’s hands and carefully tucked them inside his bag after handing the bottle of water. Ryeowook could feel Kyuhyun’s eyes on him as he gulped down his water, before finally looking away to stare at the now sunless sky. Both of them sat in silence as they looked at the horizon filled with different shades of orange and yellow, which slowly turned into purple and pink, before finally turning into gray dusk. As soon as the lights around them were lit, Ryeowook felt Kyuhyun stand up and offer his hand to him, which Ryeowook gently grabbed to lift himself up from his seated position. After watching Ryeowook dust off some dirt which clung to his jeans, Kyuhyun finally turned and walked back with Ryeowook following closely.

Ryeowook finally reaches his hostel for the night, just a few kilometers away from the sea. He washes up and changes into clean sleeping clothes and checks his work email. He is currently on leave for three days, and he smiles at how his co-workers seemed to have paid proper respect to his request for a time off, since there were no new work e-mails, nor phone calls or text messages. The only message he got was from his mom, reminding him to eat dinner, which he immediately replies to:

“Done. :) You, too. I’ll be sleeping in a while. Good night, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she quickly replies as well.

After around fifteen minutes of browsing over his social media accounts, wherein nothing was particularly of interest to him, he laid his phone down on the bedside table, and covered himself with the fresh, detergent-smelling sheets. The travel must have worn him down after all, as he felt his eyes slowly droop, until they were fully closed. Not long after, he felt an arm over his body, as the other snuggled towards him, resting his head on the nook of his neck and shoulders. Ryeowook slightly giggled at the ticklish sensation, but at the same time, moving his body back to snuggle even closer. “Kyu,” he softly called. The other just responded yet again with a soft chuckle. “I missed you,” Ryeowook sleepily said.

The other only responded by hugging him tighter.

Ryeowook squinted at the brightness of everything around him, which was almost blinding. But after his eyes finally adjusted to the light, he found himself once again on the edge of the cemented pathway, and saw Kyuhyun on the mount of rocks, at their usual spot, waving at him. But just as Ryeowook was about to run to where Kyuhyun was, a big wave suddenly swallowed him, dragging Kyuhyun towards the waters, leaving Ryeowook frozen on his spot, in deep shock.

Ryeowook woke up with heavy sobs, his hand over his chest, clutching it as hard as he could, as if that would stop the physical pain he was feeling. But as much as it hurt physically, it was the pain inside that was even more excruciating. He wanted to take his heart out of his body and step on it until it was crushed into fine pieces, until it no longer felt anything at all. But he could not do that. He promised not to do it again. He promised to deal with the pain—he promised to deal with the pain alive.

When the sobs started to subside, he dressed warmly, and went for a walk once again near the shore. This time, since it was a little bit past noon, the streets and the restaurants were bustling with people, most of them happily chatting with their companions, probably out here for a trip, like Ryeowook was. Ryeowook weakly smiled with his wishful thinking, hoping for the day when he can finally be as happy as them, too.

He finally reached one of the familiar coffee shops, and he smiled as the sight of a person which he would always be pleased to see. Upon seeing Ryeowook enter, the other person looked equally pleased to see him because the other person immediately rushed towards Ryeowook and squeezed the latter into a tight hug. “Ryeowook-ah,” the person called.

“Happy to meet you again, too, Hyukjae hyung,” Ryeowook replied in jest, but not the least bit insincere.

Hyukjae dragged Ryeowook towards the quieter spot of the shop and both sat down, though Hyukjae’s tight grip on Ryeowook’s hand never left. “I didn’t notice, it’s been a year,” Hyukjae said, the enthusiasm he had earlier was quickly replaced with warm calmness. “How are you?”

Ryeowook sandwiched Hyukjae’s hand on both of his, as he replied with equal sincerity. “Better, I guess,” Ryeowook smiled.

“Do the nightmares still come?”

Ryeowook turned his gaze towards the floor as he weakly nodded remembering how he just had one a few hours ago, before looking back to Hyukjae’s eyes once again, “But it’s lesser now,” Ryeowook reassured him.

“And maybe you just became a bit stronger now,” Hyukjae smiled at him, proud to see how his friend has strongly coped with everything. “How long are you here for?”

“I’ll be going back to Seoul tomorrow afternoon. Just dropping by really quickly this time,” Ryeowook answered.

Both of them continued to chat over lunch. Ryeowook couldn’t deny how gentle Hyukjae’s soul always felt. Whenever they meet to catch up, Ryeowook could feel his heart temporarily lighten up, as they laugh over trivial things, or sincerely talk about their deeper thoughts. Ryeowook couldn’t deny how much Hyukjae has helped him over everything, especially for letting him feel that there’s always a place Ryeowook can come back to.

“Hyung, I’ll be going now. Thank you so much,” Ryeowook said as he gave Hyukjae another hug.

“Anytime,” Hyukjae replied as he gently rubbed Ryeowook’s back. “I’m really proud of you. Thank you for being strong.”

“Thank you, hyung.”

Ryeowook waved Hyukjae goodbye for the last time, before exiting the shop. He looked towards the sky, which was once again starting to display hues of orange. Only then did Ryeowook realize how hours had already passed. Time always flew too quickly, no matter how many times Ryeowook would have wished for it to stop. Although today was different. Strangely, Ryeowook felt at peace with how the world continued to turn.

He slowly walked towards the rocks near the shore, back to the same spot. Once comfortably settled again on his seat, he tried to take in deep breaths as he closed his eyes, timing his breaths along with the gentle crashing of the waves which were in a consistent calming rhythm. Slowly, Ryeowook whispered to himself. Slowly. As Ryeowook tried to focus on his breathing, he felt a knot in his heart untangle itself, his breaths becoming deeper, and more relaxed. Slowly, he opened his eyes. But as he did, warm tears started trickling down his cheeks, but rather than the heavy sobs this morning, the tears felt rather comforting. As if he was letting a heavy part, that’s been weighing him down for so long, go. Quiet tears soon escalated into audible cries but he could feel the knot in his heart go looser and looser, until he could barely feel its constricting pain.

He looked beside him again and saw Kyuhyun smiling at him, before the latter directed its gaze towards the birds peacefully passing by in the sky. Ryeowook had the urge to envelope Kyuhyun in his arms, but he knew very well he could no longer do that. So with another deep breath, Ryeowook only smiled, as another set of warm tears trickled down.

Ryeowook finally heard Kyuhyun, who was still looking at the horizon, speak, “Are you ready to let me go?”

With that, Ryeowook once again broke down into sobs. He was never ready to let Kyuhyun go. He will never be ready to let Kyuhyun go. Kyuhyun, the person who always gave him strength whenever Ryeowook was at his weakest. Kyuhyun, the person who celebrated even the smallest of Ryeowook’s triumphs. Kyuhyun who was always there by his side. Kyuhyun, with whom Ryeowook fought his internal battles. Ryeowook wanted nothing else but to hold on to what’s left, but he knew he could not do that anymore. So even when he isn’t ready—even when he will never be ready—he has to let Kyuhyun go. Ryeowook gathered all his strength and resolve, before wiping his tears and calming his breaths. If letting go was the only way Ryeowook would be able to keep him, then he will do his best to do that.

Kyuhyun now looks at Ryeowook, with a smile on his lips but sadness in his eyes. “Are you ready to let me go?” he asked again.

Ryeowook nodded. “I’m letting you go.” In the midst of the cold sea breeze, Ryeowook felt warmth brush over him, as if the wind was kissing him goodbye. 

After a few deep breaths, Ryeowook took the jar inside his bag, gently placing the lid on a flat surface, before standing up. Fighting his tears, he slowly scattered the ashes on the sea, his heart slowly letting go of whatever was left of Kyuhyun.

Ryeowook was once again surrounded by brightness, but his heart finally felt at ease. Now, he patiently waits for his eyes to once again adjust to the bright surroundings. Soon enough, the same scene is set before his eyes, but this time, he does not try to run towards Kyuhyun. He only looks at him from afar, and Kyuhyun does the same. They look at each other with a smile, Ryeowook learning to live with his feelings of sorrow of not being able to feel Kyuhyun’s warmth again, and easing himself into accepting that all he can ever do is just stare at a distance, carefully respecting the boundary between his place and Kyuhyun’s new world.

Surely, they will meet again one day, but at the right time. “At the right time,” Ryeowook gently smiles.

Kyuhyun nods and smiles back. At the right time.

Ryeowook takes the phone out of his pocket as the seatbelt sign was turned off, and immediately dials a phone number. “Hello, Mom?” he immediately smiles as he hears the relieved happy tone from the other line. “I’m back.”