Minju should’ve listened to Hyewon.

 

“Chaewon: Hey, I really enjoyed our date today! We should meet up again like next week? Hope I’m not sounding clingy I just really enjoy your presence. *cute eyes emoji*”

 

If you like someone, the first thing an emotionally available person would think is ‘aw, how cute how she really likes me’, but to Minju, she wanted to push Chaewon away the second she read that. Feeling guilty, she once again mentally listed out the reasons everything wouldn’t work out.

 

One, she likes Hyewon. Two, Chaewon likes her.

 

Simple algebra.

 

[X+Y= Z

Z - Y = X]

But

Z+X does not equal Y.

 

Minju couldn’t be whole with both of them. One had to leave.

 

So she should’ve listened to Hyewon.

 

Minju can’t say no. She’s tired of having to push herself away when she’s unsure. Something in her wants to simply live without caring about what happens next. So she replies to Chaewon with a yes and their next meeting is put on the calendar. Minju takes a note to update Hyewon with this afterwards.

 

The week goes by real slow, with Minju updating each and every one of her friends. First she calls Yuri and Yena, who give her some tough love and tell her she needs to let one go - specifically the one she sounds less serious about. It would take one blind girl to see that she only likes Hyewon and Chaewon is that safety net she wants to be there in case Hyewon will never catch her. Next, she calls the girl she considers the older sister she never had, Eunbi, who was also her crush last year. Eunbi reassures her it’s okay to be selfish, but at a cost.

 

Minju confessed to others because she knew the only one at a risk of getting hurt was her. Minju never led anyone on intentionally until now. Perhaps, she wasn’t even leading on Chaewon. She simply wanted to accept Chaewon into her life, but there wasn’t space.

 

Minju liked people she couldn’t have and she was fine with that. Because liking someone who felt the same way for her meant that her heart wasn’t the only thing at stake.

 

She would also begin to think of the other heart involved.

 

Minju doesn’t realize this until two girls are placed in a situation where Minju can’t say it’s okay to feel the way she feels because the object of her interest would never feel pain in receiving her confession. All at once, she held the lifeline of two people and she would either end up surviving holding both lines or falling into a state of nothing with neither.

 

Eunbi is someone whose opinion she respects a lot. In a sense, both of them know how similar they are to each other. They deal with emotions the same way, and that helps them not only empathize with each other but also recognize negative patterns that the other person must avoid. Minju doesn’t expect Eunbi’s advice to her, which is to be “selfish” for once.

 

“I went through that too and sometimes, you just have to keep both so YOU can figure yourself out. It’s not bad to compare and contrast so you can find the answer. Yet, make sure you’re clear with both of them that this is the state you’re in. You’re not attaching them to you. You’re simply walking a stroll with them.”

 

Eunbi’s advice made sense. Yet, being honest with Chaewon that she likes another girl yet wants to keep talking to her still doesn’t feel right to her. So Minju takes a break and goes back to Hyewon to distract herself, yet even Hyewon wants her to solve her mess. Chaewon is still left in the inbox and here Minju was, in her literal safety net. If Chaewon is her safety net that she won’t get hurt, Hyewon is the safe home she returns to and can be vulnerable to.

 

“Let’s not talk about them. Can we talk about you? Me? Us?”

 

Us.

 

So they do. Hyewon brings her back to the present whenever Minju seems to be floating on a cloud of uncertainty and fear.

 

Minju realizes after three weeks that she just wants to be happy with her in the present even if they didn’t follow the usual route of talk as friends to confessing to becoming “official” (whatever the hell that means), to feeling like anything has to change.

 

Minju, for the first time in years, realizes she can be happy without forcing it. At first it was a result of fear that Hyewon would never talk to her again. Yet, Hyewon reassures her she would never ghost anyone if they confessed to her. So that fear is gone, but Minju still doesn’t want to jump. The water is too cold and she wants to simply watch from afar, admiring the way the sun’s rays hit the blue surface.

 

A little after the two have been chatting for three weeks is when Hyewon first calls Minju. The call is awkward at first because really, Hyewon just called her to comfort her with her family issues. So for five straight minutes, their call was pretty much just Hyewon telling her to cry it out while Minju laughs at the absurdity of how Hyewon really wants to hear her cry right off the bat.

 

Minju is relieved and giddy that Hyewon is as entertaining through call as she is in texting. She could probably argue that she’s even more entertaining because when they’re talking Minju doesn’t think. She doesn’t hold back. She just speaks and laughs because Hyewon is there, she’s real, she’s just not here.

 

Then she’s back to Chaewon before she goes to sleep. She stalls their next meeting with a bunch of excuses from the weather to how her mother might disapprove when she finds out that Chaewon is a girl she met from Tinder. Minju doesn’t realize that she’s just not interested and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. She just needs to let go.

 

Two days before their date, Minju asks Chaewon if she still wants to drive down to her house because of a single thunderstorm icon below Tuesday. Chaewon doesn’t find it an issue. Of course she doesn’t. I mean, who would cancel because of that? Rainy dates aren’t issue unless there’s a flood warning.

 

One day before the date, Minju tells Chaewon that they should meet somewhere instead of Chaewon picking her up from her house. Too formal, Minju thinks to herself without laying that thought out for Chaewon to process. Miscommunication is Minju’s pet peeve, yet the hypocrite she is, she is a master of it.

 

On the day of Chaewon vaguely tells Minju she needs to reschedule. At this point, Minju is guilty but she’s not the type to be sad about canceled plans. This is what she wanted. The worst people are the ones who can’t be upfront about what they want because they’re afraid to be too harsh. Minju knows that she’s one of those, but believes that the worst of the worst are the ones who don’t care at all about how the other feels.

 

“Minju <3: aw, nooo :( it’s okay, Chaewon! is everything okay tho??”

 

Chaewon leaves her on read and Minju only realizes a couple of hours later because that’s when she checks the app. She doesn’t stress because perhaps, something really did happen and she gives Chaewon her space.

 

At around 4 PM when they were supposed to have their date, Minju is lying on her bed scrolling through her twitter feed. She had not even put a single speck of makeup on her face which shows she didn’t feel an ounce of excitement. She’s surprised to get a message from Hyewon because it’s 4 AM there. Her guilt consumes her as she realizes she was more excited to hear from Hyewon than an actual date with a girl who isn’t hard to love. That’s how different they are, Minju realizes.

 

kwangbae20: “Good luck Minju~ make sure you clear it out with Chaewon!”

 

Minju grabs her headphones from her desk and lies on the bed with the fan circling around. The air hits her as she smiles at the sound of Hyewon’s voice. Of course, her attention is redirected to the message itself.

gaeguri05: “She canceled last min :(

But hey, why are you still awake?”

kwangbae20: “well you know HAHAH just the way I am.

but omg WHY?”

gaeguri05: “Idk, she hasn’t responded but I get the feeling she could tell I didn’t wanna meet up >_<”

 

kwangbae20: “oh so there’s really nothing left for her? No feelings?”

 

Minju thinks it over and realizes she never felt anything for Chaewon. Their whole date was simply a wave of temporary joy. If she followed her mind, she would’ve kissed Chaewon. Because that’s what Chaewon deserves; someone who will love her. Someone not like her boyfriend, someone to reassure Chaewon that love would eventually come to her in the right time. That she would have a happy ending.

 

gaeguri05: “I realized I almost made her into a rebound… but at the same time, I didn’t mind because I thought my intentions were pure. I wanted to give her a happy ending. I mean, with her boyfriend and all… she didn’t deserve that. She deserves more.”

kwangbae20: “but she doesn’t deserve you.”

 

Minju stares at the message for a second and stalls. She wants Hyewon to continue typing but her side of the box remains empty of a three-dotted bubble.

gaeguri05: “what?”

kwangbae20: “she doesn’t deserve you. She deserves more, yes. But how are you so sure you can give that ‘more’? You not reciprocating her feelings is enough of a sign that you’re not right for her.”

 

gaeguri05: “i mean, you’re right, but… her boyfriend, that was my fault”

 

kwangbae20: “Minju, hello?? How is that your fault? Her boyfriend wasn’t right for her but you… you’re not right for her either. You shouldn’t give her a chance just because you want her to have a happy ending. You’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness except your own.”

Hyewon sighs as she presses send and waits for the other person to respond. She feels Minju’s anxiety as she watches the three-dotted bubble appear and disappear at least three times.

 

“, you’re right”

Hyewon bursts into laughter as she reads the text Minju took two whole minutes to craft. It must’ve hit her that hard.

Minju was the type who could solve complicated puzzles of love except those puzzles in her own life. Everyone tells her it’s normal, that it’s harder to give and accept advice from yourself. Yet it’s almost like Hyewon’s existence in her life is to be her mirror. Hyewon tells her exactly what her heart has been telling her.

 

Hyewon let go of her past love because she realized that the only thing that kept her from ending things. It was that unreasonable expectation that she and Sakura would return back to the way they were. Minju had to realize sooner or later to let go of a future love she hoped to be in even if it was wrong and forced. Especially, that it was wrong and forced. She needed to let go.

Minju listens to Hyewon today. She is ready to reschedule and face her problems head on. Yet, Chaewon gets vague with her and says she couldn’t make it that day because she felt sick. Welp, Minju thinks before she replies. She doesn’t forget to ask her if she’s okay now. Chaewon doesn’t seem to be angry over text or anything, but of course telling a woman’s true feelings isn’t easy through a screen.

 

The week goes by and it seems like the chances of them meeting get slimmer and slimmer.

 

Operation Chaewon gets put on hold.

 

…

 

Now that Hyewon’s role as Minju’s love mentor slash confidant is becoming less and less in demand, Hyewon finds herself another role. She’s Minju’s twin flame.

 

They begin to talk less about Sakura and Chaewon.

 

It isn’t awkward to Minju contrary to what she expected. Now that they weren’t each other’s love advisors, she wondered what they would talk about. Yet, here they were running into the three hour mark of their first call.

 

Hyewon tells her that she dreamed of her last night.

 

She recalls the dream fresh from her memory of Minju forgetting her at the grocery market. It’s a cute thought, Minju can’t help but think as she hears Hyewon tell her the details of her dream.

 

“And you were there. I cried as I asked you why you left me.”

 

Minju laughs. Just like she did in Hyewon’s dream when asked that question.

 

“Perhaps she laughs because she never meant to leave you,” Minju tells her with a small scoff at the end.

 

Perhaps, Hyewon thinks but it’s funny how the Minju in her dream is very much like how Minju just reacted to it. Hyewon realizes that Minju laughs a lot. At first, she was a bit skeptical about how Minju would type “LOL” or some variation of it every five seconds. Yet, as she hears her laugh at some random things, it all made sense. The girl was just super happy-go-lucky.

 

Hyewon thinks she’s happy now too. Lately she keeps asking people why she’s not sad about her breakup with Sakura, a girl she stuck with for almost four years.

 

Yet, here she is, happily talking to Minju.

 

Nearing their first month, they start to call every other day. Every call is different, but familiar to Minju. This is how it starts, she thinks to herself, attachment . For the first twenty minutes, Minju wonders if they would end up meeting the two hour mark. They eventually do and she doesn’t questi