"Chae! Wanna come with us?" Chaeyoung removed an earphone from one side of her ear and looked at the person talking to her. The thing is, no one really talks to her. Or rather she doesn't really talk to anyone. This girl inviting her to somewhere she probably doesn't fit is a new light to her. Maybe she'd accept her invitation for a change.

 

  For a change.

 

"Midterms just ended and the class is going to the karaoke so maybe... uh... you wanna join...?"

 

  Or maybe not.

 

Her classmate, whom she doesn't really remember the name, shivered from the look Chaeyoung gave her. She's kind of... distant to the people around her. She's known as the "ice blondie", a really uncool nickname for her but Chaeyoung doesn't care any bit. She literally doesn't pay attention to any of them. Honestly, the whole class thought she was mute but as months passed by they realized Son Chaeyoung, the blonde who rarely speaks, who always have earphones on, prefers to be alone. A loner. And this isn't news to her because every day, from when she wakes up to when she lays down again on her bed felt so long and dragging. Her life is so dull she doesn't really know why she even wakes up. Chaeyoung feels like she's gonna rot and decay into nothingness really. Her life totally .

 

"I'm gonna study." Chaeyoung replied ever so plainly her classmate thought she's speaking to a robot.

 

"Uh, okay then. Study well, I guess?" It didn't passed Chaeyoung's vision the last look of annoyance from the girl that screams this really doesn't give a i want to kill her. Chaeyoung sighed internally, she really doesn't want to waste more energy to this person and with that, the pest left her alone. Finally.

 

None of them would believe but Chaeyoung's a bright kid, was a bright kid. She paints, she sings and dances, she plays the piano, she enjoys song writing and composing. But it was all in the past. Her once upon a time vivid energy was taken away when her father left them. It was hell for Chaeyoung and her family. Being a great musician that her father was, she looked up to him the most. That someday, somewhere down the streets of a bustling city, she'll be able to play her music and be a great performer who will move anyone's heart, just like her father. But her dreams were crashed and now the crystal clear memory of the past still haunts her.

 

It was summer and Chaeyoung just got home from her piano class when she saw her mother crying and kneeling down, begging for her father to stay. Chaeyoung stood at the doorway, frozen, as she watched her father spout nonsensical words. Her mother begged that it doesn't matter that he had another family as long as he continues to support Chaeyoung and her sister. When the young girl heard that, tears streamed down her cheeks.

 

The man she admired the most, respected the most, was an and a cheater. Chaeyoung dared to stare on her father's eyes, searching for that glint she loved everytime he plays his instruments, sings her lullaby, hums their favorite tune, but there was nothing. The soul that kept her dreams alive can't now be seen in his father's eyes. And now, she doesn't know what to do as her father walked out their house, it was as if Chaeyoung's soul also left her. And from that day on, according to an unwritten nor unspoken rule of hers, the eyes that once sparked like the billion stars in the galaxy died down and sweared to a nonexistent oath to be never brought back again to life.

 

So Chaeyoung, alive and breathing, continued her life lifeless.

 

"Not even going to tell us you're back?" Chaeyoung stopped on her tracks as she looked up and saw her mother and sister eating dinner.

 

"... I'm home." She replied as she removed her leather shoes and slid in to her comfy home slippers. She continued to pass by the dining area towards the stairs, not making any squeek from the wooden floor.

 

"Not even going to eat dinner?" She heard her mother asked, worried. It doesn't really matter her slippers feel soft but it feels like she's walking on eggshells. Also, Chaeyoung convinced herself that she doesn't have the appetite right now. 

 

"You don't have to worry about her, mom." Her sister replied on behalf of her even when in reality, she hates Chaeyoung as she believes she's the reason for all of their family disaster.

 

"Chaeyoung, have you eaten with your friends already?" At this point, it's already a cycle. The same damn thing just repeats and it's really tiring.

 

"Look, mom, that girl doesn't have any friends to begin with." Her sister butted in and Chaeyoung swears she's about to throw her bag to her sister's sour face.

 

"Sooyoung! Don't talk like that to your sister." The older girl shrugged and resumed to her almost finished plate. This day just doesn't end really.

 

"... I'll be studying in my room." She spoke, louder than she thought and a little bit harsher as she made a beeline to the stairs and went to her room, locking the door to make sure no one's gonna disturb her. Blaming her father for the nth time that their once lively family is now a mess. That .

 

Sometimes, Chaeyoung thinks why did she even continued her studies. She thought high school could alleviate some of her sadness when she could've just applied for part-time jobs like her sister. At least that makes money. High school's supposed to be playing with your friends after class, enjoying school trips, flirting with the boys from the other room, and stuff like that. That was supposed to be enjoyable but why is it so hard for her? Why can't she enjoy those kind of things?

 

It's almost midnight and the room is suffocating her.

 

A breather, that's what she needs.

 

Nothing feels right at the moment. The looks her mother and her sister gave her a while ago, their eyes tell that something is not right with her and as much as she wants to smudge that look in their eyes, Chaeyoung knows that look too damn well already.

 

The breeze of December passes through her cardigan and she wished she wore a thicker jacket, underestimating the weather. Her feet brought her to a playground that is too familiar her vague memories with her father started to flash like a film and her eyes suddenly hurt like hell.

 

Despite the sting it brought her, she settled on the rusty swing, metals creaking from the lack of maintenance. One thing the blonde liked on this playground, specifically the swing, is how until now everytime she sits on it her feet can't reach the ground. She hated how her sister teases her because of her little figure but Chaeyoung doesn't mind. It makes her feel like floating in the clouds. It makes her feel like time stopped and the swinging lulls her to dreamland where everything are sunshines and rainbows, just like then.

 

"Excuse me?" Chaeyoung's peaceful nightdreaming was cut when a child's voice echoed to her ears. She stopped swinging and looked around the area but there was no one else there. It's midnight, and she was reminded of one her father's bedtime horror story of a blind little girl who asks for candies and proceeds to eat a person alive if they didn't give her any candies. 

 

"Can you please help me?" This time, the voice is much clearer, and no, it's not a little girl, but rather a girl that seems like her age.

 

Chaeyoung stood up from the swing and turned around to see a girl in a dress, with shades on oddly enough, sitting on the grass, searching for something?

 

"H-hey, I lost my cane, and I really need it. Can you please help me find it?" The girl's voice a little bit desperate. Chaeyoung blinked, stunned by the situation. Looking around with the help of moonlight as she spotted the said cane behind the said girl. But she didn't move an inch or speak a bit.

 

"Is someone there? I thought I heard someone..." The girl's voice become weaker as she tried her best to scan the grass with her frail arms and slender fingers. Chaeyoung stood there, watching what she thinks a blind girl look for her cane mindlessly. The odds of encountering a blind girl in their neighborhood astounds her.

 

At last, the girl finally grasps her cane. Standing ever so slowly with the help of it. Chaeyoung eyed the cane as it move sideways finding its way until it touched her foot. She looked up to the taller girl, searching for eyes but nothing could be found. The blind girl stopped on her tracks, until she tapped her cane on the other girl's foot once again. Again. And again. And again...

 

"What do you think you are doing?" Chaeyoung's voice cracked a little because of the coldness and the other girl seems to be shocked as there's actually a person in the vicinity. And she didn't even bothered to help a blind girl?

 

"I thought no one's here." Her voice so tiny Chaeyoung thought it was a baby speaking. The taller girl tried to reach out her arms but Chaeyoung was swift enough to back up and she kind of pushed the blind girl almost making her trip.

 

"Ow.." She yelped as she adjusted her shades. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." Chaeyoung analyzed the girl from head to toe. She looks new.

 

"Were you lost?" She tried to sound concerned but even to her own ears it sounded distant.

 

"Maybe?" The blind girl perhaps thought it was an invitation for a conversation for she removed her shades and revealed her soulless eyes to the smaller girl in front of her.

 

And just like that, Chaeyoung's eyes widened.

 

Waves of realizations hit her. She's never seen something like that ever in her life. All this time, she thought she was the only one. The only one with dead stars. The only one who's searching for the light. For that glint of sunshine. And as she look in to the stranger's eyes perpetually, she saw herself. And for the longest time ever, she felt relief rush through her because she's not the only one.

 

She's soulless. Just like Chaeyoung.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

That night, the two of them befriended each other. Chaeyoung knew her name is Mina. It became a routine. Chaeyoung now has something to look forward to this winter break. Every night, even with the harsh winds of December crash her petite figure or even with snow pouring hardly enough, they spent their time sitting side by side on the swing, and slowly, they got to know each other's life.

 

From then on, Chaeyoung felt really comfortable with the Japanese girl, turns out she's just on a vacation because of their family business. Nevertheless, this didn't become a hindrance for her to create a blooming relationship with Mina.

 

Slowly, Chaeyoung opened up, showing her wounds to the girl who can't see and she's thankful for that.

 

One afternoon, Mina asked, "What do you like to do?" The bright sun giving enough heat to the icy grass, giving their feet the damp feeling.

 

Chaeyoung hesitated but she trusts Mina. She trusts her.

 

"Music. Paint. You know, art stuff." Chaeyoung shyly replied, kicking the ground making the snow glisten around in to tiny pieces.

 

"Show me, then!" Mina's enthusiastic puppy voice always works. Chaeyoung kind of hated it for a girl who's blind.

 

She let out her earphones and phone, offering the other earpiece to Mina, which she gladly accepted of course. Chaeyoung gazed at the girl beside her, a girl named Mina who's eagerly waiting for music to blast in to the earpiece.

 

Chaeyoung smiled. The warm cold air breeze flew a bit of their hairs and she swore she's never seen so stunning like Mina.

 

Lately, she's been feeling half full, half empty. The contentment in her heart filling up she feels nauseous, in a good way, she believes.

 

 

 

  I don't know how you do it

 

  But it's good for my soul

 

  When I saw you I knew it

 

  That you're good for my soul

 

 

 

She played the song she wrote and composed, an old friend of her performed it. Times which her father brings home his colleagues from his musical gigs and they jam to their hearts content.

 

The two girls closed their eyes out. And Chaeyoung hoped this serene sensation will always stay with them.

 

And Mina hoped more.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

One time, when a snow storm visited them, they opted to stay at the small maintenance room beside the playground. With the match box that Chaeyoung brought, she lit up the a pile of branches to keep them warm inside the room.

 

They sat beside each other, feeling the heat of the fire they made. The silence is peaceful, with gushing winds and the frequent clash of ice on the roof, Mina broke it.

 

"You got a resolution, Chaeng?" The smaller girl turned to see the cold air Mina breath from as she spoke.

 

"What?"

 

"New years' resolution. You got one?" Mina turned to face her and even though she can't see she tried to caress Chaeyoung's, analyzing her facial expression.

 

"Hm." The girl hummed. "Seems like you don't."

 

Chaeyoung looked away and threw another piece of branch to the fiery pit, its sizzling cracks calmed her puzzled heart.

 

"I got one. Wanna hear it?" Her voice excited. She stood up straight like she's ready to deliver her speech to thousands of people. Chaeyoung smiled slightly at the girl beside her.

 

"I hope we'll do our best next year and the upcoming years." Mina reached out her arm, looking for the smaller girl's shoulder, and bringing it down to hold Chaeyoung's cold hand.

 

Her smile faded. Best? What does she mean by that?

 

"I don't think so, Mina." Chaeyoung shrugged releasing her hand from the touch, pushing a piece of a burnt branch in to the fire again.

 

"Hey, I just want us to be together until next year? Can't I wish for that? Your such a killer." Mina melted into her seat, crossing her arms, and Chaeyoung knows she just pouted.

 

"Why bother, though?" She folded her legs up to her chest, hugging it tight as she watch every sway of the fire.

 

"Because I'm leaving. Soon."

 

 

 

The orange and yellow shades from the fire that lits the room clashed with the dark blue shades from the cold weather outside that peeks from the small window.

 

Chaeyoung hugged herself more tightly.

 

"Are you not gonna ask me why?"

 

"Why bother?" Her voice now little. Fragile, just like her.

 

"Hey, Chaeng," Mina reached out her hand again, this time Chaeyoung brought out her pale hand and placed it into the other girl's palm.

 

"We got a fair share of our baggages and I really liked you for treating me as your friend. You're the first one, you know?" The snow storm seemed to end because the silence is now deafening.

 

"You never failed to show me colors, ironically," Mina chuckled, a pang pierced Chaeyoung.

 

Their small fire slowly twitches as it comes to it final moments. The room was filled with blues and Chaeyoung held tighter to Mina's hand.

 

"We had a connection, Chaeyoung. I just know it." Pain visibly starting to form in to Mina's words and the smaller girl just felt much smaller.

 

"The moment you talked to me 2 weeks ago, I knew that the universe sent you to me. I'm grateful for that." Mina reached for her cane, slowly standing up. Chaeyoung never let go of the girl's hand, rather held it as firmly as she can manage. Praying to the universe, not now.

 

  Please, not now.

 

But Mina let go.

 

"You're really great at this kind of stuff, you know." Chaeyoung muttered and Mina stopped on her tracks. They've been playing this little game of hide and seek for quite a while now. Maybe it's time to finally decide who's the winner.

 

Mina turned to her, facing the smaller girl. Chaeyoung stared to the eyes she always favored. She liked how empty they were back then it was because it means that she was alone too. And if Mina was alone, she probably craved for someone else's warmth. Just like her. But seeing that it was still empty, still dead and nothingness is all that is in those orbs, Chaeyoung now loathes those eyes.

 

"Chaeyoung..." Mina moved a step forward, Chaeyoung moved two steps back. Even herself is surprised on how she is acting. Perhaps all the pain she built up and went through all by herself has finally come to its limits. She's done with this game.

 

"No. Please, don't come near me." She quietly cried. Her eyes stung from her own choice of words. But she has more to say. A lot more. She can't break down yet.

 

"Mina..." She breathed. Desperately. God, it's unfair really how her name still sounds like the first snowfall or the first spring bloom despite the endless pain it gave her. She tried to compose herself but all she can feel is the hole in her chest. It hurts so much even if she held it to fill the space is useless. Her vision started to become blurry, every blink she attempted just brought more tears to her already flushed cheeks.

 

"You're really good at this, Mina." Chaeyoung choked on her own words but she still continued. "Now you'll disappear as if nothing happened and it will make me ache for you in the wildest ways."

 

It's nasty. The situation's rotten really. This can't be happening as Mina just turned around, moving cautiously in the dark, her cane bumping around the walls, breaking the pile of burnt branches as the ashes disappear into the freezing thin air.

 

And In the middle of this cold night, she challenged herself one last time. Mustering all her courage, Chaeyoung said, "Can you really live without me?"

 

There's too much pain in the sentence for the girl's delicate heart. Mina finally grabbed the knob and opened the door wide, welcoming the icy cold December. Pausing for a moment before replying, "Yes. Of course."

 

"... You didn't even think about it."

 

Chaeyoung stared down. Her hands trembling. Searching for Mina's warmth. Desperately looking for summer even it's winter.

 

And her voice cracked and it sounded like the end of the world.

 

"I can't live without you, Mina."

 

That night, Chaeyoung cried. More than when her father left her.