He knew the guy. Jaejoong introduced them the last time they had the chance to spend some time together in Japan but he didn't realized how close that guy and his lover were then, he didn't want to realize it at that moment.

He had got in as always he went to that place before where he had the entrance guaranteed. He walked around searching slowly, heart hammering inside his chest so much it made him feel sick.

He took a picture and got out from there as quietly as he arrived. He didn't feel angered nor sad a the moment, he felt numb. He felt empty after the initial shock of the hurt by the betrayal and after that there was nothing, just the same thought over and over again: Why?

Once Yunho was already sitting on the couch at his living room, he finally sent the message with the picture attached and the words “Welcome back, my love. I'm happy I finally got to see you.” He received a call immediately after the message was received but he didn’t answer it nor the next calls nor the messages and he left his house and installed himself temporarily at Dongho’s place. He knew he wasn’t acting as the adult he was but rather childishly, he wasn’t prepared to face his new reality. It was more than just a broken heart, the situation affected him in many ways and he needed time.

After some time, they talked and broke up because there wasn’t any explanation good enough to erase what Yunho saw or what it made him feel.

Eventually, they resumed their relationship and decided to continue their long history by giving themselves a new opportunity to be together.

It wasn’t the same, not at all, and both knew it. They knew that every time they broke up and then went back together wasn’t the same as before but that last time was even worse. Yunho, specially, feels it like something too frail. There was no trace of the sense of ‘invincibility’ they used to say their romance had. He felt broken. Everything was broken.

That’s what Yunho is thinking now, while waiting for Dongho to return to their table to continue sharing drinks. The scene is ridiculously similar to the last time. The same place, the same booths and the same people talking behind him. He checks again Jaejoong’s profile on Instagram expectantly and he hates the feel of disappointment and desperation taking over him when he sees there’s nothing new.

Oh, it’s getting too late
How do they have so much to say
I rest my chin on my elbow and think about music
Oh, whatever, where are you, I wonder
Upload a story, you, oh

Yunho tries to think in something else, there are too many things going on in his life now, specially one of his projects but nothing can make him feel at ease. He tries to focus on the music playing at the place, on his drink, on his friend who is taking too much time but nothing works. He still listens to what the group of men are saying. Once again they’re talking about them. They know about their recociliation and they’re talking about Jaejoong’s efforts to make it work. They’re his friends after all, even when they seem to ignore that that past time, they were still together.

By the time Dongho is back at their table, the occupants from the other booth have left already without saying anything triggering this time but it didn’t help to calm down the feeling of apprehension invading Yunho’s being.

I got this feeling that something’s wrong
I have got the blue blues in the city

"Sorry, I didn't think it would take me that much but this guy kept talking and talking," Dongho sips on his drink smiling but the gesture drops off his face too fast looking at his friend. "What is it? Is it him again?"

"No... or maybe yes... I don't know," Yunho sighs, he knows what his friend is probably dying to tell him again but he won't because they already had that conversation before.

They spend an hour more there and Yunho distracts himself enough to enjoy their meeting and even more when a couple of other friends join them.

It's not that hard have fun with his friends and they go to a couple of other places after. They take the time to take some pictures of their reunion and plan to go to a photographic studio to have a special photoshoot with all their group of fiends reunited.

It's easier to forget about anything else surrounded by nice company but as always, once he’s on his way to go home he thinks again on the same things. The car arrives at his home first and it’s going to continue his way till Dogho’s.

Yunho gets out of the car but before shutting the door he looks at his friend smiling. “You were right all along. I’ve already made up my mind.”

All right baby don’t drink
Thought it was sweet, but going to get burned
Rescue my dream
My stress is all over the place

He has a new message from his lover, asking him not to drink too much and have fun ending with an “I love you” followed by the usual emojis. He smiles, he’s going to miss this but he made a decision already and he’s not turning back.

It’s past two in the morning already so he decides to wait to the next day or better said, later this day, to call Jaejoong. Yunho goes to sleep feeling so much lighter and relaxed, definitely, it’s the best decision for both of them.

Long time ago, in a beautiful morning like the one from this day, Yunho took a tray with breakfast to Jaejoong after the night they spent laying down in bed together after having their first kiss. That memory is the first thing coming to his mind when he opens his eyes.

He takes his time with his morning routine and has something simple for breakfast. This morning he doesn’t even turns on the Television and just scroll over some things at his phone screen.

A sigh, even knowing it
You probably don’t know how I’m feeling
All right baby don’t cheat
I see it clearly now

It’s way past the time when he could just stay feeling or even wishing that everything would be fine between his lover and him.

Eight o’clock and he dials the number he knows by heart and waits for the other to pick up. Jaejoong’s voice doesn’t sound sleepy, meaning he probably has been awake for a while. Yunho listens to him talking about his cats and his work and a trivial story about how ridiculously tall one of his friends seemed some days ago when they were at a party. Yunho enjoys the sound of his voice thinking on how in the past, that sound had the power to heal him.

“Jaejoong,” says Yunho finally when Jaejoong makes a pause, “we need to talk.” That sentence is so cliché that he feels like laughing just saying it.

“Haven’t we been talking for the last fifteen minutes at least?” jaejoong chuckles despite knowing that his partner is being pretty serious.

“I want to break up, Jaejoong…” he waits for a moment for a reply but nothing happens. “I can’t keep doing this anymore. I-”

“You want a break?” comes finally the reply. “Just now? Just like that? Why? If we're doing fine, aren’t we?”

“Not a break,” Yunho sighs deeply, “I want a definitive breakup.”

Silence fills the line again and he can’t hear even Jaejoong’s breath and for a moment he thinks that the communication could be dead.

“Why?”

Yunho hears the last thing like a whisper, something that he maybe, wasn’t supposed to hear. And it’s the same word that has been bugging him a lot since the fateful moment he eavesdropped on that men’s conversation time before.

“Because I hate the person that I became, Jaejoong.” Yunho says, “I hate this insecure version of myself. I thought I had overcome your betrayal but I didn't and it's killing me slowly and painfully…”

“We talked about this before… I told you how much I regret it, Yunho… we decided-”

“I can’t forget that you cheated on me and-”

“I haven’t seen him since that time… I didn’t cheat! You know that we didn’t even ed…”

“Jaejoong,” Yunho says calmly, “is it everything that there’s between us? I mean, “we have only as the base of our relationship?”

“Of course not!” Jaejoong denies quickly, “ just makes everything better.”

“Then think and tell me again you didn’t cheat on me just because you didn’t sleep with that guy yet by the time I found out.”

Only silence follows the last sentence, a heavy silence invading them all.

They say it happens to everyone, but for me
Yeah, you’re hurting too
They say it happens to everyone, but for me
It doesn’t make me feel better, it doesn’t

“I love you, Yunho.” The words come out like a plea, “you know I love you and-”

“I love you too, Jaejoong… but I don’t trust you anymore.” Yunho sighs again and rests his body better on his chair. “There was a time when I believed blindly whatever you tell me. This is different to the time with the lawyers when you were hiding me things… this is so ing different. For the first time, in all the coming and going of our relationship… I doubt that we feel the same for each other.."

"I already told you that I'm sorry. What else can I do?"

"Nothing, Jaejoongie. It's not you, it's me." Yunho laughs again thinking on how cliche and overused sounds what he just said, but he turns serious again, "it's my problem that I can't trust you and I know you're trying to make this work and I don't want to hurt you anymore... It's not fair for you nor for me... this poisoned relationship has to end..."

I try washing it out
But I can’t do anything about it
What am I supposed to say now
Yesterday and today
When it comes back, what I’m supposed do today
What am I supposed to do now

He has been doing pretty fine once he overcame the sadness of the first stage, he focused on work and hanging out with his friends. Thankfully he has many good friends who are a good distraction and a great support. He even has tried going out with a girl and even when it didn't work at the end, he enjoyed it.

It has been months since the last time he has seen Yunho or even talked to him. They had a casual short encounter the last time he returned to the country and went to one of his favorite coffee shops. A moment that was too short to have a proper conversation but long enough to make his heart ache again. But it wasn’t because he is still hurt thinking on their broken relationship but because in that short moment, he saw reflected in Yunho’s eyes the same hidden pain but unlike himself, no will to go back to how they used to be. The resolution in those eyes scared him because he knows that even when he doesn’t admit it, he thinks on their romance like a ‘maybe’ and he wanted to preserve it like that.

Again at his country, in a very hot night, he drinks at his house with a friend and they joke and laugh a lot, they have a good time and even decide to record a video.

The friend is happy seeing Jaejoong enjoying the night. He has seen him pretty down some times in the past for many reasons and he’s glad he finally seems to be fine in every aspect of his life or so he thought until the moment, Jaejoong starts to cry. It is sudden; he just talks about regretting making a mistake and how unable he is to do something to correct it.

The friend wonders if the message Jaejoong received on Line earlier that he didn’t want to check is related to this. There are many things he doesn’t know about the other man who is hiding his face for a moment to calm down and after, acts as if nothing happened. Whatever it is, he can see Jaejoong is hurting deeply inside, despite how fine he’s doing, something that has been bothering him in the depths of his soul, surfaced for an instant, for that instant his loneliness shown. The friend just can wish for the best for the other that quickly returns to his joyful being again.

Even a short moment, it’s so cold I’ll freeze
But there’s no time, I have no time to warm myself
Yes, right, yes, that’s all you have to say
And just listen

Jaejoong, once he's alone thinks about what happened in the past that led him to this moment in his life.

He felt lonely. There were every time longer and longer periods of separation increasing his restlessness. There was jealousy, there was hurt, there was that feeling of not being important enough, of waiting for something that wasn’t going to happen… but, he knows he didn’t do the right thing.

From the start, Jaejoong knew the intentions of that guy. He wasn’t that naïve to not notice his advances or the implications of his actions. The guy in question was a nice man, he didn’t have underhanded intentions at first because he didn’t know about Yunho and him, not even when they were introduced in Japan. Perhaps he was too deep into wanting something with Jaejoong because he didn’t care when he found out later.

Jaejoong knew by the way things were going, he couldn’t expect a good outcome; as Junsu told him, he was playing with fire and was bound to get burnt.

He spent a lot of time with the guy. They had a lot in common and many similar interests. It was great sharing such nice moments with him but things were escalating too quickly by the moment Jaejoong considered breaking up with Yunho, maybe the thought of something forbidden was what made things more exciting.

It was an advantage, the guy used to travel as much as himself between one country and another. That way, they were able to spend even more time together and he started lying and avoiding contact with his 'official' lover. He knew it was wrong. One of his friends suggested him to end things with Yunho before continuing with the new guy because it wasn't fair for any of the three, but Jaejoong told him he and the guy were just close friends. When he said that, though, he had been recalling the day before when the guy and him kissed by the first time.

They had flight together back to Korea passing unnoticed, he actually didn't tell anyone about he coming back so no one was waiting for him and he felt freer.

It was a shock meeting with a pair of his friends in the club he was sharing a moment with the guy at. Maybe they thought Yunho and him were over or didn't actually care because they didn't mention anything about it, just said it would be nice hanging out another day. Jaejoong, for some reason felt uneasy, it wasn't like the friends who just left were going to tell his lover, they weren't close to begin with.

He regrets not paying attention to the hunch of something bad happening soon.

He wasn't feeling comfortable. That night it seemed the guy was talking too much and overly touchy enough to making him feel bothered. He didn't stop his advances nonetheless and he was going to regret after not stopping him from kissing him on the lips. It was like if all the weight of his guilty conscious fell upon him at once. He pushed the guy and left to the bathroom were he stayed about twenty minutes just staring into nothing.

About to get back to his table he received the message. At that moment he realized he had a previous one too that read: "When are you coming back? I'm dying to see you, maybe I should go there and kidnap you ^-^. Call me, please. I can't reach you. I love you!" Guilt washed over him but it wasn't until he read the last message when reality struck him in all its extension. He looked around searching for his lover and dialed his number knowing beforehand he wasn't going to pick up.

Nothing else mattered after, he just wanted to have a chance to explain or to talk at least but he couldn't do it.

Weeks after they finally met and talked and ended breaking up despite Jaejoong efforts to clarify things and his desire of saving their relationship.

Yunho was determined to not see him again and he just accepted it as he felt he wasn't in any position to demand anything.

Yunho wanted to end everything despite of accepting his part of guilt on the excuses Jaejoong gave him. Yunho knew he had his part of guilt on the failure of their relationship. There was no helping it. That time Jaejoong knew it was different to the one years ago. Years ago they both, without any agreement, took their separation just like a pause for their long story. That time after the betrayal, though, they both knew they were broken for real. Yunho didn't leave any room to think it other way.

But I think my day is just you saying what you want to say
I have things to do and places to go
There are so many things that need to be fixed
Sighs build up and more in my mouth

They met in Japan months after their breakup and talked again about how they had been doing. It was a friendly encounter. Yunho was going to stay for two weeks and they met almost every day. The penultimate day, Jaejoong prepared some food for the two of them and they drunk wine watching a TV show. Somehow they ended kissing and finished making love at Jaejoong's bedroom with his kittens meowing outside making them giggle.

They were back together after that night and they tried their best to make it work their relationship despite the unavoidable distance. They tried to be in contact as often as they could but it wasn’t enough to make strong again their link once firm and unshakable and after fragile and unreliable.

That's how they ended like this again. Once again, Yunho asked to break up, that time through the phone, and they haven't been in touch since then.

Jaejoong misses him not just as his lover but as his friend too. They were close for so many years, since they were two teenagers with only dreams of success.

He's in Japan again by March. He's practically living there now. He has been writing a lot, he thinks it's true what people say, a broken heart is a great source of inspiration.

A Friday late at night he is pondering if he should attend the friend's party he was invited to on Saturday. He's not actually in the mood. He talked with a mutual friend earlier and he told him Yunho was seeing someone, a beautiful woman who seems to be an old acquaintance.

It's not like he thinks his former lover doesn't have the right to fall in love again. He himself had a short romance with a younger man not too long ago. Funny how the failed affair with the guy that costed him his relationship with Yunho, never got to become something serious.

Even when he didn't want to admit it, he was terrible insecure of the people approaching Yunho when they were together, specially women. Despite of himself being biual too, he didn't like it one bit when women made a move on his man. He felt like he couldn't compete with them. Yunho once, told him he didn't like girls flirting with him but he was too proud to admit he also hated when they did it with his lover.

Jaejoong sighs. He just needs to focus on his work again and stop thinking on things he can't change.

----------

The place is full with familiar faces including an annoying suitor Jaejoong has rejected before but the man is stubborn and really tick headed and keeps insisting despite of being ditched.

After congratulating the birthday guy, Jaejoong goes to sit with some friends and can't avoid his suitor coming close to him. He tried already the subtle rejection, the direct rejection, the polite rejection, even the rude rejection, he was about to punch him but nothing seems to work in this guy who apparently thinks his disinterest means Jaejoong wants to be pursued.

He decides to leave without saying goodbye to his friends but he didn't count with the man he's trying to avoid following him outside nor with Yunho arriving just then to the deserted entrance about to enter to the party he just left, bowing his head slightly as a greeting to him.

Jaejoong doesn't think too much, he takes his ex's hand firmly. "I'm sorry, I'm taken." Jaejoong leaves his stubborn astonished suitor there and drags Yunho away from there glad that he's not opposing resistance to his actions.

When they're already out of that man's sight, Jaejoong sighs relieved hearing Yunho laughing.

"I guess you at least succeeded on letting him dumbfounded."

"I'm sorry for that," Jaejoong says smiling at the other still holding his hand and playing with his fingers, "it's our birthday boy's friend so I guess he's going back to the party."

"That means I can't go in," Yunho chuckles, "I wasn't that excited anyway. Changmin convinced me to come but his girlfriend arrived and I ended coming alone. I guess-"

"Since I ruined your night," Jaejoong starts hesitant, "would you like to come home and have some drinks?" He ads firmer, "it'd be like two old friends meeting to catching up... specially old. Can you believe I already have crow's feet?"

Yunho laughs heartedly playing with Jaejoong's fingers too, "it's natural and inevitable but we're aging gracefully, I think." He fixes some hair strands off Jaejoong's forehead, "about the drinks, I'd really like to..."

They chat on their way while Jaejoong drives. One of the advantages of being in Japan is that he feels there's more freedom and can enjoy their privacy better.

They talk about how much Jaejoong misses Korea anyway, they talk a lot about their families too and how much Yunho is loving being an uncle for his niece and waiting for his nephew. They talk about their mutual friends, specially Changmin. Yunho tells him how serious he is with his girlfriend this time and that it seems she's the one Changmin wants to spend his life with. "He's the youngest of us but maybe he's going to be the first one on getting married," Yunho says smiling and Jaejoong thinks in how they said recently they're going to marry at forty.

Just entering his apartment Jaejoong doesn’t even takes the time of greeting his kittens and slams Yunho’s body against the closed door seeking his mouth hungrily rejoicing in the fact that his act is totally reciprocated.

They are like two thirsty men having their first drink after a long time.

They don’t speak. They let their bodies say the words their hearts are craving to utter but they don’t dare to say out loud.

The first time is rushed and desperate but the next ones they take their time to explore and rediscover each other’s body. They spend the night and the major part of the next day mostly in bed avoiding every time saying something that breaks the magic.

All that’s been said between them are no more than trivialities, but that doesn’t prevent them of thinking about their shared past. Jaejoong thinks in how a bad decision can ruin something as wonderful as what they had, in the precise moment he’s returning from the ecstasy Yunho sent him with his mouth.

They enjoy each other’s body thoroughly and later at night of this unforgettable Sunday they take a bath together again. They know their time together is ending. The next day they’re going to return to their respective separated lives.

"You are losing weight again." Jaejoong accommodates himself better between Yunho's legs on the bathtub.

"You're one to talk," Yunho chuckles passing a finger over Jaejoong's ribs making him laugh and squirm. "Let's keep our promise of stay healthy and don't losing too much weight this time."

“I thought we could be at it a couple of times more at least…”

“I’d have liked to but I fear for your stamina.”

“Hey!” Jaejoong says and bites Yunho’s arm playfully, “don’t try to be cheeky just because I told you about my crow’s feet.”

Yunho laughs and kisses his temple. The truth is that both are exhausted and he has to leave early in the morning because he doesn’t have the heart to leave just now, so they just enjoy their bath and after go to sleep knowing it'd be difficult atay away, from each other.

----------

Jaejoong feels some subtle movement on the covers and instinctively pats the other side of the bed finding it empty. He opens his eyes and sits on the bed seeing Yunho sitting next to him ready to leave. The sky outside is still dark.

“What time is it? Why did you wake me up?” Jaejoong asks still a little drowsy. He always hated the departure moment.

“Would you have liked more if I left in silence?” Yunho asks caressing Jaejoong’ s cheek.

“It’s not like that but…” Jaejoong inhales deeply, “Yunho… what is going to happen with us?”

“Well,” Yunho looks into Jaejoong’s eyes knowing that if he was the one asking, he’d receive the same answer. “We’re still like we were before the night of the party... I guess.”

Jaejoong lowers his eyes and nods in agreement. The spell that led them to a whirl of uncontrollable passion is over now. He knows better that they need more than just a physical encounter to solve things between them.

"You know that I want you happy, right? Even if not with me..." Jaejoong says looking up. "This girl you're seeing... if you choose her, I wish she makes you happy..."

"About that... it didn't work out," he smiles seeing the brim on Jaejoong's eyes. "I don't know what can happen but I want you happy too. Even if that happiness doesn't include me at all."

"We still have something pending to talk about... maybe when I'm back in Korea, I'm still going to stay here for a couple of moths though."

"Of course." Yunho says caressing Jaejoong's cheek with just a finger this time and looking at his phone sighing after. "But now I have to go or Changmin is going to kill me." He stands up.

"Yunho," Jaejoong says not daring to complete what he wanted to say fearing not hearing the 'me too' as answer. He kneels on the bed and the covers roll down reveling his ness with some traces of their last still visible on his body.

Yunho swallows hard. He gets closer to Jaejoong and kisses him holding him by the nape with one hand and cupping his face with the other. He feels the other's hands over his wrists. He moves away looking at his ex lover opening his eyes slowly. "Me too, Jaejoongie," he smiles for the last time to the other, "take care."

Yunho leaves and Jaejoong stays in the same spot he left him in during a long moment.

Why does it have to end like this?

Or maybe this is not the end. In other circumstances in the past, he already thought it was the end but life proved him wrong.

Perhaps this time it's going to be true that they're going to find happiness somewhere else.

Maybe he's going to fall in love again in the future but he knows something for certain, there's only one person you can call the 'love of your life' despite of loving others and being happy away from that person, and for him that one person is Jung Yunho, the one he gave himself completely to, the one who gave himself completely to him too.

Life keeps going on and even if he doesn't have all the answers he'd like to, he's excited for what future holds for them.

I try washing it out
But I can’t do anything about it
What am I supposed to say now
Yesterday and today
When it comes back, what I’m supposed do today
What am I supposed to do now