The view of the flower garden outside the window was breathtaking under the shining sun, highlighting the vibrant colors of the flowers that stood out among the green bushes that surrounded them. There were different varieties all around: lilies, orchids, roses, violets, and even chrysanthemums.

However, out of all of them, Jongwoon noticed the sunflowers the most.

Back when they were dating during college, Jongwoon once took Hyukjae to a sunflower field by the countryside on a weekend. He remembered how happy his lover was at that time since Hyukjae had always wanted to come to a place like that. Jongwoon could also remember how Hyukjae’s adorable gummy smile fit so much among the bright yellow petals; coupled with the bright sun, he looked like he belonged to the field of sunflowers, too.

“Hyung…”

At the sound of someone calling him, Jongwoon turned his head slowly and gave a small smile.

“Oh, Kyuhyun-ah…”

Kyuhyun was standing behind him, hands on his hips as he stared at Jongwoon with wary eyes. “Hyung,” he repeated. “I made lunch. Eat with me.”

Jongwoon’s smile seemed almost sad as he shook his head, turning back to the window that overlooked the garden. “No thanks, Kyu… I’m not hungry.”

“Hyung,” Kyuhyun whined. “You have to eat. Look at you!” He gestured exaggeratedly at Jongwoon’s thin frame. “Your bones are protruding out of your skin! Haven’t you seen yourself in the mirror lately??”

“I’m fine, Kyuhyun-ah,” Jongwoon responded quietly.

Kyuhyun huffed. “See, this is why it’s frustrating to talk to you. You always blow me off like this whenever I get concerned about your health. Do you think Hyukjae-hyung would be happy seeing you like this?”

The moment Hyukjae’s name came out of Kyuhyun’s lips, both of them froze, the atmosphere between them turning tense. Kyuhyun’s features softened as he watched Jongwoon’s expression crumple, feeling guilty that he brought up something sensitive.

It had been three weeks since that incident. Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Sungmin, Jungsoo, and Hyukjae’s co-workers Heechul, Kangin, and Shindong, and even Donghae who came as soon as he could from America, all attended the funeral, paying their respects to Jongwoon and Hyukjae’s mom and sister. Hyukjae’s dad had passed away seven years ago due to an illness that was eerily similar to his, and their suspicions were confirmed when Hyukjae’s mom, Mrs. Lee, told the story to them herself.

 

“I didn’t know about it at that time,” she recounted slowly. “He just suddenly became angry at me all the time, constantly telling me that he wanted a divorce. The four of us had been living happily before. There wasn’t any major reason for us to fight; our finances were fine, my two children were studying diligently, the two of us parents were working hard but we always knew how to relieve our stress. It was why I couldn’t understand his sudden hostility towards me at that time.

“It turned out that he had a heart disease of some kind. His cousin was the one who told me about it. She told me that my husband purposefully left me and the kids so that we wouldn’t be sad if we found out that he was dying. So he… pretended to be the bad guy and made us all mad at him.

“We didn’t know about it at all. We only found out the truth when he passed away.” Mrs. Lee’s eyes were teary as she tried to contain the emotion in her voice. “I felt sad and betrayed. Sora could only cry in her room for consecutive nights, clutching a photo of her dad. Hyukjae was devastated, but he held back most of his tears just to comfort me.

“He had always been a fool, anyway. Just like Hyukjae, he hated seeing anyone cry. It hurt him that he only had little time left, about less than two weeks since he only found out about it too late, and he didn’t want to break the news to us, to his family. I understood how he felt, then. Since I’m a parent, too.

“But… I still wish he could’ve told us. Even if he had little time left, we wanted to spend it all with him no matter what, because memories are precious.”

 

Kyuhyun’s thoughts went back to the present when Jongwoon sighed softly in response.

“I know,” the older said quietly, pressing his fingers to his temple. “I know I’m being ridiculous right now, but… I’m sorry, Kyu. I just don’t feel like eating today.”

“Then talk to me,” Kyuhyun said determinedly, sitting next to Jongwoon on the windowsill and looking the older man straight in the eyes. “Or talk to Ryeonggu or even Jungsoo-hyung. Anyone at all. Ever since Hyukjae-hyung’s death, you refused to talk about him every time. You even leave the room whenever one of us brings up his name. I’m sorry, hyung, but I have to say this. It’s been three weeks and you know I’m not a patient person,” Kyuhyun said, exhaling deeply before continuing on, “Tell me, why are you treating Hyukjae-hyung like some sort of ghost?”

Jongwoon was turning more and more rigid by the minute. Kyuhyun could see the older’s hands unconsciously clenching into fists, but he stubbornly plowed on.

“If you want to treat him like he never existed, then you have no right to call yourself his fi—”

The loud smack on the lowermost section of the open window startled Kyuhyun, his heart racing in surprise. That part of the window was made of wood and was starting to creak, so when Jongwoon slammed on it with the bottom of his fist, it made a disconcerting rattling sound that shook Kyuhyun’s nerves to the core.

“Shut up,” Jongwoon seethed, his eyebrows knitted together as he seemed to be putting himself under control. “Kyuhyun, you’re out of line.”

At that moment, Kyuhyun recalled the past Jongwoon, the scary, intimidating neighborhood hyung who frightened the other kids due to his cold yet fiery aura. Kyuhyun remembered that rebellious teenager with long, messy black hair and silver cross earrings, saving him from the bullies by beating them up and yelling at them with a scorching temper that could rival even the fires of hell.

That man from the past had changed as he grew older, grew mature, especially after witnessing his mother’s constant stress and exhaustion as well as his father’s near-death experience which was like a terrible wake-up call at that time.

Kim Jongwoon may not be that kind of volatile person anymore, but that did not mean he completely lost his infamous bad temper. Now that Hyukjae wasn’t here to even out his moods, Kyuhyun was left with the task of taking care of him instead.

Not that Kyuhyun was really complaining, because Jongwoon, no matter what, would always be like an older brother to him.

“Alright, I’ll stop here, then,” Kyuhyun said quietly, turning his back on the older and sighing. “Think about it more, hyung. When you’re ready… come to me. Come to us.” There was a hint of emotion in Kyuhyun’s voice. “Because haven’t we always been here for you two since the start?”

Jongwoon watched Kyuhyun walk away, the guilt seeping itself into his heart. He looked out the window again, feeling frustrated with himself. But even the sight of the beautiful sunflowers couldn’t ease the agony quivering in his chest.

Jongwoon stood up, quietly took his coat from the rack, and went outside the door, not even telling Kyuhyun where he was going. He just needed some fresh air at the moment, needed to be outside and not in this kind of constricting, stifling atmosphere.

After Jongwoon closed the door behind him, Kyuhyun turned around from his sitting position in the dining room table, sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry, Hyukjae-hyung…”

 

●◉◎◈◎◉●

 

Jongwoon didn’t know how much time had passed as he sat on a bench in a nearby park. The weather was already starting to turn chilly, and more and more people were leaving the place to return to their respective homes.

Jongwoon watched with empty eyes as dusk fell rapidly in the sky, the surroundings growing darker by the second. Unlike the others, he wasn’t in any hurry to go home. Besides, Kyuhyun wouldn’t be waiting for him anyway, after all the terrible things he’d done to the younger.

Because of his own selfishness, he had refused to go back to his apartment, the apartment he and Hyukjae once shared, only because it hurt too much to be back in a place where it held so many memories of the two of them. Heck, he thought that he wouldn’t even be able to go inside their bedroom without crying pitifully and remembering all the times they shared there.

It was already three weeks indeed, just like Kyuhyun said, but it still hurt just as much as the day they put Hyukjae to rest. He felt like the longer he went on without Hyukjae, the more he missed him so badly as the days went by.

Jongwoon smiled wryly as he thought about how weak he was. He had prepared himself for this, hadn’t he?

So why… did it still feel so painful?

Jongwoon exhaled a harsh breath, dazed as he watched snow beginning to fall from the sky. A few people who were nearby gasped in awe, murmuring to themselves with smiles on their faces. Normally, Jongwoon would smile as well; he may not love snow just as much as he loved autumn, but seeing the white flakes dancing along with the wind was always a joy to see.

However, Jongwoon’s gaze remained unseeing, his heart still suffering from a loss that caused him to feel empty inside. He couldn’t feel any excitement in his veins nor a twinge of warmth. He felt hollow like an empty husk who had nothing to give.

He watched as a girl excitedly ran over to who seemed to be her boyfriend, laughing happily as she caught some snowflakes on her open palm.

How lucky she is to have someone to share this with, Jongwoon thought to himself absently as he stood up from his seat and began to head back to Kyuhyun’s house.

I don’t… feel like I belong here anymore.

As he walked, he suddenly stumbled in his steps, feeling an incoming headache. He was used to this kind pain as it came to him frequently, but this time his mentality was too weak to fight against it and he tripped on his own feet due to dizziness. He stumbled to the ground, clutching his head as he breathed in shallow gasps of air.

 

“Does it hurt a lot?” Hyukjae asked, concern lacing his voice as he stared at Jongwoon’s pained expression. “Do you need anything? I’ll take care of you, hyung.”

“No, don’t worry about me, Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon said dismissively, pressing his fingers harder against his temple. “I’ll be fine in a few minutes.”

Hyukjae watched as Jongwoon sat down, laying his head back against the couch with his eyes shut. “But you’re not fine…” he said in a small voice.

Jongwoon managed a small smile. “Really, I’ll be fine…” Suddenly, he winced as he felt the pain reaching his neck.

Hyukjae noticed this and stood up from his seat. Jongwoon watched him go, then widened his eyes when Hyukjae came back with a heating pad in his hands. The latter first stopped by the wall and reached for the switch, dimming the lights. After that, he plopped down next to Jongwoon and placed the heating pad on his neck.

“Feel better now?” Hyukjae asked worriedly.

Jongwoon was quiet as he felt the pain beginning to ease due to the dimmed lights and the heating sensation in the area that hurt. He looked at Hyukjae gratefully and the latter smiled. They didn’t need any more words to express their feelings.

 

The pain was normally mild or moderate most of the time, but there were a few intense episodes similar to this one, so Jongwoon had no choice but to endure it, at least until he got back to his room safely.

Somehow, Jongwoon managed to go back to Kyuhyun’s house, carefully unlocking the front door with the key the younger gave him to keep. Sighing, he opened it and let himself in, closing it quietly behind him.

When he made his way towards the guest room, he thought he heard something coming from the room to his right. Jongwoon stared at the door leading to Kyuhyun’s own room, noticing that it was slightly ajar. Knowing that Kyuhyun was most likely playing games on his computer at this time of the night, he strode over to the door, planning to close it in order to minimize the sounds of whatever game he was currently playing.

However, when Jongwoon neared the doorway, he realized that the strange sound he heard wasn’t coming from a computer or a TV at all.

“No, I’m fine.” Kyuhyun’s low voice resounded in the room as he seemed to be talking to someone on the phone. His back faced the doorway as he sat on his bed. “Yeah… he left today but he isn’t back yet. It’s still… it’s still early, so he’ll return here soon, I’m sure.”

When Jongwoon realized that he was practically eavesdropping in Kyuhyun’s private conversation, he moved away from the door, about to go back to his room when suddenly Kyuhyun spoke again.

“Me…? No, I really am fine… Jongwoon-hyung is the one who’s suffering more, not me…”

Jongwoon paused in his tracks.

“I know… look, of course I am.” Kyuhyun’s voice was beginning to rise by a notch. “Hyukjae was my friend, too — okay, I know I seemed cold at the funeral but just because I didn’t shed any tears doesn’t mean that I don’t care about him, okay?! Shut up!”

Jongwoon’s heart jumped in his chest in shock as he heard the pure, unadulterated anger in Kyuhyun’s voice. The man wasn’t usually very emotional; in fact, in their little group, he was the calmest of them all. Whenever there was a crisis, Kyuhyun was always the one who handled everything with composure.

What on earth is going on? Jongwoon thought to himself in alarm. Who’s he talking to?

After a long moment, Kyuhyun’s voice resounded in the room. “...I’m sorry, I’m just not in the mood right now… yeah, okay… I know you didn’t mean to, we’ve all been feeling sensitive… Okay, fine, I’m hanging up now.”

Jongwoon stayed in place, not finding it in himself to move from his position. He suddenly felt the urge to talk to Kyuhyun, to console him and encourage him to speak about his feelings.

But just before he could take a step into the room, he heard something that was awfully familiar to a sniffle.

Shock filling his body, Jongwoon peeked at the small opening of the doorway and saw Kyuhyun still sitting on his bed, bent over with his elbows resting on his knees, seemingly covering his face with his hands. Jongwoon heard a muffled cry coming from the younger, as if the latter was trying his best not to break down. Soon after, he could see Kyuhyun’s body racking with sobs, his muffled cries twisting Jongwoon’s heart. His own eyes turning moist, Jongwoon slowly moved away from the door and plastered himself to the wall next to it, closing his eyes and letting a few tears fall down to his cheeks.

Later that night, Kyuhyun found him in the guest room, sleeping without the covers. Kyuhyun didn’t know when he’d returned, but it didn’t really matter. Jongwoon was an adult, after all, not some kid he needed to look after constantly.

Moving closer to his hyung, Kyuhyun noticed Jongwoon’s tear-stained face and his gut twisted painfully at the sight. It wasn’t just any person they lost; it was someone whom all of them were terribly close to, hence the miserable feeling of loss pooling in their hearts. Kyuhyun understood Jongwoon’s pain, but not the amount of depth that came with it since he could only imagine the agony the older was going through. The first time he heard the news, his body went into shock, but he managed to pull himself together for his friends, especially for Jongwoon.

When he also found out that Hyukjae had been by Jongwoon’s side when he died, the feeling of compassion he had for the older person was amplified. It must’ve been agonizing to witness that kind of scene with your own eyes, much less experience it yourself, so Kyuhyun understood why Jongwoon was taking a lot of time to make progress with moving on. It wasn’t like Hyukjae was someone who was easy to forget, either. That guy was already impressionable at first sight, and being with him for years would make anybody extremely attached to him.

Kyuhyun sighed softly, then pulled up the covers to cover Jongwoon’s entire body except for his face. It was cold at night, so no matter what, he wanted Jongwoon to sleep comfortably at least this once.

It was the least he could do.

 

●◉◎◈◎◉●

 

The next day, Kyuhyun woke up to the smell of food coming from his kitchen. Still disoriented from sleep, he strode over curiously while rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Oh, Kyu,” Jongwoon’s voice called out softly. “You’re awake?”

Kyuhyun’s eyes flew open in surprise at the sight before him, his tiredness forgotten in an instant. “What — Jongwoon-hyung?” he exclaimed, dumbfounded. “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing? I’m making breakfast of course, you dummy,” Jongwoon scolded lightly as he stirred the pot of stew he was cooking. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Wha—What?” Kyuhyun said, still astounded. Ever since Jongwoon asked him to let him stay here at his house, the older man never did anything during those days, only moping around the house, operating on auto-pilot.

But now he was cooking for him so suddenly…

“What happened during your walk yesterday?” Kyuhyun asked in amazement as he plopped down on one of the dining chairs. “Did someone cast a spell on you or something?”

“Yah,” Jongwoon said, sounding offended as he turned off the stove and carried the steaming-hot pot over to the table with glove-covered hands. “I just wanted to cook something for you. Can you not make it sound like someone possessed me to do this or something?”

Kyuhyun stared at him. “I don’t think you’re in your right mind today, hyung,” he said bluntly, peering at the food that was placed before him. “So strange… did you put poison in here or something…?”

Kyuhyun was about to sniff the stew when something suddenly hit him hard at the back of his head.

“OW!” Kyuhyun cried out, rubbing the sore spot where he was hit. “What was that for?” he whined.

“That was for being a pest,” Jongwoon answered, placing his hands on his hips and glaring at the younger. “Seriously, you never change, evil maknae.”

“Can you blame me for suspecting you?” Kyuhyun grumbled. “I’ve been the one doing all the cooking for you ever since you stayed here. I never even heard a ‘thank you’ from you…”

A familiar burst of laughter echoed in the room and Kyuhyun could feel an arm wrapping casually over his shoulder. “Alright, you brat,” Jongwoon said, poking Kyuhyun above the lips. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

Jongwoon waited for the explosion to come. Kyuhyun hated it whenever people touched his face, no matter who they were.

But it never came, surprisingly. Jongwoon stared at Kyuhyun’s calm face for a moment before trying his luck once more, this time letting his index finger stay on Kyuhyun’s philtrum.

Still nothing.

“Whoa! Is this a miracle?!” Jongwoon exclaimed, his face lighting up as an astonished smile curved his lips. “How come you’re not getting angry at me for touching you?”

“Why should I get angry because of that? You’re so weird, hyung,” Kyuhyun said dismissively as he reached for his plate and spoon.

“But you always snapped at us whenever we even tried to touch your face before,” Jongwoon said with wide eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyuhyun responded, already scooping rice onto his plate.

Jongwoon watched as Kyuhyun contentedly ate his meal, not even saying a word about how it tasted. This side of the maknae was quite rare to see; usually Kyuhyun would be making some snarky remarks whenever food was involved, but for some reason, the younger was quiet today.

Jongwoon was about to shrug it off and eat his own plate as well when Kyuhyun suddenly spoke up in a low voice.

“Hyung… I’m sorry.”

Jongwoon almost dropped the spoon he was holding in surprise. Thankfully, he caught himself before it could come to that. “What…?” he said, dumbfounded at the unexpected statement.

“Even if you talk a lot, even if you tease me many times and touch my face, I won’t get mad,” Kyuhyun continued on, his gaze focused on his half-empty plate. “You can confide in me or even get mad at me. I still won’t drive you away or leave you alone.”

Jongwoon listened to it all, his lips parting open in surprise.

“So…” Kyuhyun swallowed the lump in his throat as he closed his eyes. “...please… don’t you leave us, too… okay?”

Jongwoon’s heart crumpled into pieces at Kyuhyun’s small plea and felt the shame coursing through his body. He really had been worrying them all, huh? He had even made the unbothered Kyuhyun overly concerned about him. He was supposed to be the hyung here, the one who looked after the younger ones no matter what.

Kyuhyun had already lost one hyung; he didn’t deserve to lose another one, too.

Feeling touched at the younger’s care for him, Jongwoon cracked a small smile as he stood up and embraced Kyuhyun in his arms, feeling the latter collapse at his touch. Jongwoon soothed him by muttering soft words as he caressed Kyuhyun’s hair.

“I’m sorry too, Kyuhyun-ah…” Jongwoon murmured. “I’m sorry… I’ll start to change, please don’t worry about me.”

Kyuhyun’s voice was muffled against Jongwoon’s shirt as he spoke. “What do you mean, hyung…?”

Jongwoon took a deep breath before answering.

“I’ll go back to the apartment tomorrow.”

 

●◉◎◈◎◉●

 

It was a foreign feeling to him as he pressed the passcode with slightly trembling hands, opening the door hesitantly.

Jongwoon sighed, putting his coat on the rack near the door as he stepped inside the apartment. Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Jungsoo were right behind him, the latter carrying a few knapsacks in his arms. Ryeowook was holding bags of food in his hands while Kyuhyun was walking beside Jongwoon, his hands in his pockets as he surveyed the apartment with a somewhat proud expression on his face.

“The air in here feels the same, right?” Kyuhyun spoke up.

Jongwoon nodded slowly, his eyes darting around the room in surprise. In truth, he’d expected the atmosphere in the place to be quite heavy since he hadn’t stepped a foot inside here for weeks. Come to think of it, he also had some food left in the fridge that had been about to expire.

Hurriedly, he reached the fridge in the kitchen and opened it to inspect the contents. However, he was shocked to see that it was clean except for a few drinks and some kimchi in the freezer.

“I came here every few days just to clean your apartment,” Kyuhyun said, answering the silent questions in Jongwoon’s mind. “Oh, and I also ate the food you guys left in the fridge just a day before it was about to expire. Good thing I came by that day!”

Ryeowook placed the bags of food on the kitchen counter and turned to Jongwoon. “Hyung, you agreed that I can stay here for a week, right? Since my house is under renovation right now.”

Jongwoon nodded absently, closing the door of the fridge. He was still quite surprised at the continuous efforts his friends made for him and it touched the deepest parts of his heart, causing his eyes to turn misty. He didn’t face them yet and wiped away the tears before they could notice.

“I’ll stay here for a while too, Jongwoon-ah,” Jungsoo added. “My heater broke down and I need to get it fixed, so I can’t stay at my house at the moment unless I wanna freeze at night.”

“Okay,” Jongwoon said quietly. He turned to Kyuhyun, who looked at him with a weird expression on his face.

“What?” Kyuhyun said.

“What about you?” Jongwoon asked, unfazed by the younger’s overly casual tone with him.

“Me?” Kyuhyun said, confused. Then a big smile spread over his face as understanding crossed his features. “Ah, you want me to stay over here too, hyung? Wow, I’m touched…”

“Whatever,” Jongwoon said, shaking his head as he took his knapsack that Jungsoo placed on the floor. “Feel free to stay here if you want.”

Kyuhyun smiled as he watched Jongwoon striding towards his bedroom, sending glances towards Jungsoo and Ryeowook who nodded at him in delight.

Things were starting to look up.

 

●◉◎◈◎◉●

 

A week passed by like a flash. Ever since his friends started staying at his apartment, Jongwoon couldn’t seem to take a single break. Kyuhyun kept on hogging the TV and attaching his Playstation console, Ryeowook kept on experimenting with different recipes in the kitchen, and Jungsoo kept on cleaning every inch of the apartment as if every speck of dust was like his mortal enemy. Jongwoon couldn’t even find it in himself to complain; having constant noise and movement in the house was effectively distracting him from his own descent into depression, so he was thankful for it instead.

One day, Ryeowook proposed the idea of adopting puppies. Jongwoon wasn’t averse to the idea, and he did want to have some companions at the apartment whenever he felt lonely, so he agreed with the younger man and let himself be dragged to the pet shop. There, he fell in love with two adorable-looking Pomeranians and decided to adopt them.

“What are you going to name them, hyung?” Ryeowook asked, cooing at the puppies as they enthusiastically his outstretched hand.

Jongwoon thought for a moment. “I’ll name them… Kkoming and Melo.”

“Aw, such cute names!”

After that, Jongwoon had one hell of a time chasing the puppies around the living room, trying to train them properly while it was still early. Ryeowook was the one who filled their dog bowls while Jungsoo was only getting more and more diligent with cleaning up after the puppies’ messes. Kyuhyun, on the other hand, was still enjoying his games on the TV.

It had been a fun week, but the time soon came for his friends to leave. Kyuhyun went away first, saying that he needed to go back to work. Ryeowook and Jungsoo, on the other hand, were due to leave the day after tomorrow, so they stayed and kept Jongwoon company. Ryeowook soon got attached to Kkoming and Melo while Jungsoo looked jealous, muttering to himself that he wanted to adopt a puppy, too.

Jongwoon was lingering by his balcony, inhaling some fresh air when he suddenly received an incoming call. Wondering who it was, he read the caller ID and saw that it was Donghae who was trying to contact him.

Feeling bemused, Jongwoon answered the call and pressed the phone against his ear. “Hello?”

“Hello? Hyung?”

“Donghae-ya?” Jongwoon said in surprise. “What is it? Why are you suddenly calling me?”

“...” There was a brief silence at the other end of the line before Donghae spoke, his voice slightly hoarse. “I just wanted to know how you’re doing, hyung… I’m sorry I didn’t call you much earlier…”

“It’s fine, Donghae-ya,” Jongwoon assured, his heart clenching at the memory of Donghae crying hysterically at Hyukjae’s funeral. Apparently, after he had been given the news by Sungmin, he literally booked the next flight back to Korea in order to make it in time for the funeral.

Hyukjae had been Donghae’s close friend alongside Jongwoon. Even though Donghae became busy with his work abroad, he and Hyukjae always communicated with him constantly, be it on SNS or through phone calls. Hyukjae was the one who checked up on Donghae the most though since they were the same age.

Jongwoon couldn’t even imagine the shock Donghae must’ve gone through, suddenly being informed that one of his best friends passed away while he was in another country. In a way, the pain he and Donghae shared were a bit similar, though the pain they felt was relative since everyone experiences pain differently, after all.

“No, hyung… I’m really sorry, I had no excuse,” Donghae mumbled, his voice starting to quiver. “I only holed myself up in my office, working and trying to forget while I worked on an important project for the company… but I couldn’t just mope around forever. I realized that. And hyung is suffering more than I am.”

Jongwoon felt the sadness creeping up his throat. “We’re both in pain, Donghae-ya… It’s okay, I understand…”

“Ah…” A different voice suddenly called out to Donghae, causing the latter to shout something unintelligible in response. When he went back to the line, Donghae spoke in a low voice. “That was my co-worker… seems like my boss is calling for me, hyung. I’ll call you back later, okay?”

“Of course, Donghae-ya. Anytime,” Jongwoon assured.

“Thank you, hyung. Ah, also…” Donghae seemed to be hesitant at first but went for it, anyway. “If you ever feel down and need someone to talk to, I’m here, alright hyung? You can call me anytime you want and you can talk to me for hours. You know that I’ll always listen to you.”

Jongwoon blinked in surprise. “Oh… s—sure… thank you,” he stammered, astonished at the unexpected statement.

“Okay, then I gotta go. I’ll call you again later, hyung. Love you!”

“Yeah… Love you too, Donghae-ya.”

When the call ended, Jongwoon went back to the living room and saw that Jungsoo was browsing through his phone on the couch. Kkoming and Melo were, surprisingly, sleeping together on the carpet while Ryeowook was nowhere to be seen.

He sat beside Jungsoo and regarded the older man with curiosity. “Hyung, where’s Wookie?”

“Ah, Ryeowook went to sleep since it’s already late at night,” Jungsoo replied, turning off his phone to talk to Jongwoon properly. “Who were you on the phone with? I saw you at your balcony.”

“It was Donghae.”

Jungsoo nodded. “I see… how is he? I haven’t heard from him ever since the funeral…”

“He took it hard, almost as much as me,” Jongwoon replied in a soft voice. “Donghae’s already the type to get overly attached to people, and he was really close to Hyukjae as if they were brothers…”

Jungsoo nodded sympathetically. “It’s never easy to cope with the death of a loved one,” he said quietly. “It stays with you for a long time, and the feeling of loss will sometimes eat you alive.”

Jongwoon was silent as he listened to his hyung’s words. He and their friends, including Hyukjae, had all been there for Jungsoo when his mother passed away due to an illness. Jungsoo and his sister had already expected for it to happen since their mother had been fighting against her cancer for years beforehand, but that didn’t make the pain hurt any less. In fact, it hit just as hard as if they had expected her to recover easily from her illness. It had been a terrible and depressing time for Jungsoo and his family, so it was a good thing that Jungsoo managed to stay strong for both himself and his sister all these years.

“I’m worried about him though,” Jongwoon mused, referring to Donghae. “If he’s eating well, sleeping well, or if he has any friends there that he can count on while he’s grieving…”

Suddenly, Jungsoo let out a low, brief chuckle. When Jongwoon turned to him in confusion, Jungsoo apologized, “Sorry for laughing, that was inappropriate of me…” He coughed a bit to clear his throat, then turned back to Jongwoon with a warm smile. “It’s just that, what you said just now… those are the exact same thoughts we had about you after the funeral.

“When you were still staying with Kyuhyun, Ryeowook and I couldn’t go check up on you that often due to our jobs and personal lives, but we kept on calling Kyuhyun to get some updates about you. If you were eating and sleeping properly, if you were able to talk about it… but Kyuhyun only ever gave us unclear details and refused to elaborate on it more. I understood Kyuhyun since he gets like that sometimes whenever he’s in a sensitive mood or whenever he’s frustrated, but Ryeowook…”

Suddenly Jongwoon was reminded of that night back in Kyuhyun’s house, the way he silently listened to the younger’s continuous sobs as if he’d been restraining them inside of him for too long. He also remembered Kyuhyun fighting with someone beforehand, the one that triggered him to get angry and raise his voice. Could it be…?

Jungsoo sighed, a tired smile playing on his lips. “They cooled off now and are back to being good friends, but a while back, Ryeowook accidentally said something he shouldn’t, and that pissed Kyuhyun off… and they fought a bit, but they talked to each other about it the day after and it was soon forgotten.”

Jongwoon closed his eyes, another wave of sadness washing over his heart. If Hyukjae and Kyuhyun fought like cat and mouse back then — no, more like a one-sided bullying in Hyukjae’s case — then Ryeowook and Hyukjae were more like an indifferent kind of pair who looked out for each other more often than not. Ryeowook also seemed distressed over Hyukjae’s death, especially because, as he confided to Jongwoon two days after the funeral, he had a lot of regrets and he felt upset and disappointed at himself for not spending more time with Hyukjae. Jongwoon knew that Ryeowook wasn’t even the clingy, affectionate type, but inside that cold exterior was a warm heart that loved others just as much as they loved him.

“I’m sorry,” Jongwoon mumbled.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jongwoon-ah,” Jungsoo responded tenderly. “It’s not your fault.”

Jongwoon bent over, propped his elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands. “I’m still sorry…” he whispered. “Hyung… it hurts.”

Saying that last sentence was like a small reprieve from his clashing emotions, and Jongwoon felt like everything he’d been keeping in his heart was pouring out of his chest like a tide.

There was a beat of silence before Jongwoon felt Jungsoo scooting over to him and wrapping a warm arm around his shoulder. That only prompted Jongwoon to cry more now that he was silently being encouraged to do so.

“I still can’t forget him…” Jongwoon choked him. “I still dream of him sometimes and recall all the memories the two of us had spent together… it hurts so much to remember them because we were so happy back then… but at the same time, I feel this small trickle of gratification because I managed to make him smile like that during his last days…”

It was true. Every time he remembered the times they spent together, every time he recalled the obvious happiness radiating on Hyukjae’s face, the heavy feeling of loss pulled him down like an anchor but at the same time, there was something akin to joy that slowly spread from his heart to his entire soul, a feeling of knowing that he had fulfilled his wish and spent happy times with his lover before he passed on.

The emotions were conflicting on the inside, but for some reason, their memories didn’t seem that painful for him anymore compared to the first week of suffering after his lover’s death.

Perhaps the saying that “the emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it” could be true, after all.

It was silent between them for a while, Jungsoo continuously patting Jongwoon’s back comfortingly while Jongwoon kept on muffling his sobs so as to not wake Ryeowook in the guest room.

Jungsoo spoke up after a few minutes.

“Jongwoon-ah… you don’t have to try hard to forget him, you know,” he said gently, causing Jongwoon to look up at him with a tear-stained face. “Hyukjae may have been a part of your life in the past, and his passing may have placed this horrible feeling of loss in your heart… but remember, Jongwoon-ah, that he also made you the happiest you’ve ever been in your entire life.”

At that moment, Jungsoo rummaged for something in his bag. He pulled two things out and gave them to a startled Jongwoon.

“Hyung…?” Jongwoon asked, confused. “What… what are these…?” He gestured towards the photo album and the CD in his hands.

“You know that I was your senior in college while I was getting my master’s degree, right?” Jungsoo said softly. “Hyukjae was the one who pulled me into your circle of friends alongside Donghae, Sungmin, Kyuhyun, and Ryeowook.”

Jongwoon nodded in agreement, still not knowing where Jungsoo was going with this.

“I loved to take pictures and videos of you guys, didn’t I? I took a lot of pictures of you and Hyukjae, too.” Jungsoo smiled warmly, gesturing towards the photo album in Jongwoon’s hands. “I decided to make a compilation of your moments together with him. So you’d always remember him and the happy moments you guys shared together.”

Jongwoon was astonished. “Wait, you — you really made this for me…? Hyung, I… I…” Overcome with emotion, Jongwoon couldn’t seem to find the words to say anything.

Jungsoo patted his back in understanding. “It’s okay, you don’t have to thank me. Jongwoon-ah, Hyukjae was my friend, too. He was like a precious little brother to me. So when I heard that he died…” Jungsoo blinked, and a tear fell down his cheek. “I… was devastated, too, but I kept thinking about you instead. I kept thinking about how you’d be able to live without him, since you had always been with him for eight years already. That’s already quite a long time.”

Jongwoon bit back a sob. “I know, hyung… I—I’m sorry… I’m sorry I keep crying like this…”

Jungsoo shook his head. “No, you don’t need to be sorry at all. Come here…” In a gentle motion, he scooped the younger in his arms, locking him in a warm embrace. Jongwoon laid his head on Jungsoo’s shoulder, letting his tears fall freely down to his chin.

“You’re still so young, Jongwoon-ah…” Jungsoo said wistfully, rubbing comforting circles on the younger’s back. “You have a lot left to live for…”

Jongwoon didn’t say anything, but he tightened his grip on Jungsoo, closing his eyes and letting himself and his emotions go. Suddenly, his heart felt more calm than it had ever been these past few weeks.

Maybe… he just really needed this. Someone to hug him and tell him that it was okay to cry.

“...and I’m sure that Hyukjae would want you to live happily from now on. You’re not alone, okay? We’ll be here for you… whenever you need us.”

 

●◉◎◈◎◉●

 

And like a blink of an eye, tomorrow came.

“By the way, Jongwoon-ah,” Jungsoo called out before he and Ryeowook could go outside the door with their bags.

“Yeah, hyung?” Jongwoon said.

Jungsoo said nothing in response, but he placed his backpack on the ground and strode over to Jongwoon, giving the latter a big hug. Caught off-guard by the sudden affectionate gesture, Jongwoon hesitated only for a few seconds before reciprocating the hug.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Jungsoo whispered in his ear. He then emitted a low chuckle, confusing Jongwoon. “Geez, that kid… telling me to keep it a secret when he isn’t even here to kill me for this.”

“Hyung…?” Jongwoon said, perplexed.

“The album wasn’t my idea,” Jungsoo said, pulling away and smiling at the younger. “It was Hyukjae’s.”

It was in that surprised, frozen state that Jungsoo and Ryeowook left him with, and Jongwoon stayed like that until he closed the door behind him and stepped back inside his now-lonely apartment.

Except for two new little companions, of course.

When Jongwoon sat on the couch, Melo and Kkoming jumped on him instantly, enthusiastically the sides of his face. Startled, Jongwoon tried to pry them away from him gently but when he couldn’t, he just let out a small chuckle and patted them on the head.

“Alright, alright, I won’t be sad anymore, stop it,” Jongwoon relented, staring at his two puppies’ adorable faces as they seemed to be waiting for something. “Why are you looking at me like that — oh, wait, you two must be hungry. Wait just a minute, I’ll be back.”

Soon, Jongwoon found the dog food Ryeowook kept under the kitchen counter and poured some on the dog bowls he picked up nearby. Melo and Kkoming, who followed him to the kitchen, pounced on one bowl almost immediately.

“Hold up, hold up, you have bowls of your own for a reason!” Jongwoon said, laughing as he steered Melo away from Kkoming’s dog bowl and towards her own. “Here, now eat up, you rascals.”

Jongwoon closed the big bag of dog food and tucked it back safely inside the cabinet. He watched his dogs eat their food happily and when they finished, he cleaned the bowls with some wet tissues and placed them against the wall.

Sighing softly, he went back to his couch and saw that his phone’s screen was on with a message notification. Curious, he picked it up and saw who it was from.

---

 

Hyung

About the puppies…

I hesitated to tell you this since it might bring back sad memories, but I think you need to know.

Hyukjae-hyung called me a few days before I heard the news. He told me he was leaving soon and

And that he needed to make sure you aren’t going to be lonely when he’s gone…

So he asked me to come with you to the pet shop and help you adopt some cute puppies so that you wouldn’t feel lonely.

I think… he already knew, hyung.

Even until the end, he was still thinking about you.

He really loved you.

And I love you too, hyung. Please take care of yourself.

I’ll visit you whenever I can, okay?

 

---

Jongwoon took a deep breath, then replied with a quick ‘thank you’ to his dongsaeng before turning off his phone, leaning back against the couch. Soon enough, his two dogs leaped over to his side, seemingly sensing his sadness because they started tentatively his fingers.

Jongwoon smiled softly.

“Do you know why it’s still hard for me to move on…?” Jongwoon spoke up gently, rubbing Melo’s soft fur under her chin.

“The first time I found out about Hyukjae’s condition…” Jongwoon began. “It was when I prodded him to go to the hospital because he claimed that he felt so sleepy all the time. I was worried, so I told Siwon to tell me first about Hyukjae’s diagnosis. Hyukjae wasn’t that concerned about it, but I was.

“After a week, Siwon called me with the results. He said that it took a while for him to get back to me since he had to check things again and again so that he would be sure of the correct diagnosis. He mentioned that he even sought the help of the hospital’s researchers as well as the second opinion of other doctors he knew. I was confused at first until he told me that it was a rare kind of disease that needed a lot of confirmation and tests before they were sure that Hyukjae really did have it.

“So I made Hyukjae visit the hospital every month with the pretense of it being a usual kind of checkup. I went along with him so that it wouldn’t become suspicious. Siwon and some other doctors told Hyukjae that he had a low immune system and white blood cell count, so he needed to take a lot of ‘vitamins’ and be injected with some medicine. I knew that Siwon didn’t want to alarm Hyukjae at that time because they weren’t even sure of their diagnosis yet.

“He explained a lot of technicalities to me, but I couldn’t keep track of them all. I didn’t understand some of the things he was saying, but what I did understand… was the fact that my boyfriend was dying. And that nobody could do anything to make him better.” Jongwoon sniffled, wiping the tears that started producing at the corners of his eyes. “It was a nightmare for me after that.”

Jongwoon couldn’t contain a smile as Kkoming suddenly jumped on him and his face. Melo joined as well. It was as if they sensed that their owner was sad again. It was quite amazing in a way.

“Alright, alright… I won’t be sad anymore, OK? I promise this time.” Jongwoon chuckled in an empty voice, caressing Kkoming’s fur as the dog settled in between his waist and arm. “I should start moving on too, right…? Hyukjae wouldn’t like it if I keep on moping around like this…”

Actually… Jongwoon chuckled. He’d hit me on the head if I kept on being depressing like this.

And that was the moment when Jongwoon decided to make a change for himself.

He stood up and started to clean his apartment, dusting off furniture here and there. His mind that had previously been occupied by so many useless thoughts was now effectively distracted as he had so many things left to do, so many things he needed to gain closure and acceptance with.

He began by making lunch for himself instead of constantly ordering takeout food. When he finally finished, he grinned widely as he placed the dishes on the table.

“Hyukjae would like this soup—” Jongwoon suddenly stopped in his tracks when he realized what he had done.

Two dishes. He had gotten out two plates and two sets of utensils and also prepared food that was good for two instead of one.

Jongwoon didn’t know how long he stood there, just that he kept on gazing at the steaming hot pot in front of him, waiting for a person that would never come and eat with him at the table again.

So, silently, Jongwoon scooped up some rice and began to eat, the sound of the TV blaring in the background in chorus to the barking of his two new puppies.

When he finished, he put the dishes in the sink and began to wash them. Usually, he and Hyukjae would take turns, but now that he was alone, there were only a few dishes to be done, and only he needed to do all the chores now.

Jongwoon sighed as he entered the living room. He hadn’t the TV in a long while; Jungsoo and Ryeowook had been the last ones to use it, and he only came to watch since he needed some sort of distraction.

When the cable tuned in to some boring news Jongwoon didn’t have a care about, he searched for the remote in the couch he was sitting on, emitting small groans of frustration when he couldn’t find it. Where on earth had Jungsoo and Ryeowook left it?

“Hyukjae-ya, have you seen where they put the remote?” he called out, pressing his fingers to his temple.

When he received no response, Jongwoon’s heart skipped a beat as he realized that he’d done it again.

. Damn it.

Jongwoon cursed to himself as he began searching around the living room, trying to make himself forget about the loneliness that crept inside his gut. As he continued his hunt for the remote, Melo and Kkoming followed him around, their tails wagging excitedly. Jongwoon gave them a quick pat on the heads and, deciding that he had no luck in this room, he opted to go to the guest room where Ryeowook stayed.

Jongwoon took a deep breath as he held the knob.

When he finally entered the guest room that he’d been avoiding for so long, he was dazed by the fact that nothing had changed at all. Even though he tried hard not to let it get to him, Jongwoon could somehow still feel Hyukjae’s presence in the room, with his scent and his cheery aura making the atmosphere both daunting and inviting to be in.

Jongwoon sighed as he spotted the wayward remote lying innocently on the bed. Ryeowook must have left it there in his haste. Jongwoon strode over and picked it up, but then he was overcome by a sense of nostalgia and sat down on the bed instead, staring at the picture frame by the nightstand.

It was a photo of him and Hyukjae along with their friends as they had their housewarming party. It had been a fun night back then, with no worries and no anxiousness, only smiles and laughter.

Jongwoon wished that he could go back to those times.

Sadly, I can’t… he thought to himself almost bitterly, taking the picture frame and opening the nightstand drawer to place it inside. Because he’s gone now…

Jongwoon was about to close the drawer when he suddenly spotted something foreign. Curious, he picked it up and realized that it was an envelope with two words written in the front:

To Jongwoon-hyung

In Hyukjae’s familiar handwriting.

Jongwoon felt his heart racing in his chest. Hyukjae had left a letter for him here? How come he had never — oh, right, he’d refused to come back here to the apartment after his lover’s death, and he kept on avoiding the guest room, too.

With trembling fingers, Jongwoon opened the envelope, pulled out the letter that was inside, and began to read.

 

︵Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ︵

 

Dear Jongwoon-hyung,

 

You might be thinking — why am I even writing a letter when technology exists?! Well, I don’t have a choice! This letter is supposed to be top secret, so I can’t let you know about this before I… you know;;; okay, sorry, that was uncalled for. I don’t have any pretty papers left to write, sorry T_T You’ll have to bear with my mistakes in here since I used up almost all of them re-writing this stup letter. Sorry.

I knew the truth around the time when we fought. I’m sorry I never told you. I was so devastated at the time and I wasn’t thinking straight. I mean, who would be, right, if they suddenly find out that they’re dying? I don’t get it. I’m perfectly healthy, and yet I’m dying… kind of feels unreal, right? I don’t know anymore, hyung…

These days, I’m just thinking of spending more time with you. I called Donghae, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, even Sungmin who’s rarely in Korea nowadays, to ask them to look after you when I’m gone. This is the only thing I can do for you in such a short time. We’ve been together for so long, never leaving each other’s presence, so I can’t imagine how you’d feel when I’m no longer there by your side. I wish I could take away the pain from you when that time comes, but...

 

Jongwoon noticed a few dry streaks on the paper and realized that they were Hyukjae’s tears. Trying hard to suppress his own, Jongwoon continued reading.

 

I told Ryeowook to go with you and adopt some companions of your own. I hope you’ll pick the cute ones! Two puppies with such adorable faces that you won’t be able to contain your smile whenever you see them. It’ll make me feel better if you have someone by your side so that you won’t feel lonely. As for the others, it’s too embarrassing to tell you what I told them so you ask them yourself! >_<

Anyway, look, I’m running out of space already T_T I don’t have a lot to say, anyway… Do you still keep my sticky notes in your room? Those are my true feelings towards you, so I hope you’ll keep them in your heart. You already know that I’m not the type to express my feelings so openly, even on paper. I prefer to tease you instead :P You’re so fun to tease, it’s too easy to get you so angry!

Okay… if my plan works, I’ll be able to take you out to a resort soon. We’ll play together at the amusement park and have a lot of fun! Hopefully I’ll still have enough time by then… even just thinking about it, I don’t think our time together will ever be enough. I miss you already, hyung… I regret not giving you enough affection and cheesy words during the times we were together. I wish I could turn back time and tell you I love you, too, a thousand times. From our college years till now. And I regret it deeply.

You made me so happy, I’m thankful. I don’t want to say goodbye since it’s not my time yet, but realizing that you might read this by the time I’m gone… it hurts my heart just to think of it. I always hated seeing you cry. This is torture.

I might be too late to say this — and maybe my cowardly self couldn’t say it right in front of your face, so I’ll say it here just in case. I love you, Jongwoon-ah. I’m sorry it took me so long.

I’ll still love you till the end, too.

 

︵Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ︵

 

Jongwoon placed the letter back inside his nightstand drawer and buried his face in his hands.

This really was goodbye, after all.

“God…” Jongwoon muttered to himself as he wiped away the tears that streaked down his cheeks.

But not really. He still had the puppies with him, still had his friends who were always worried about him, still had the photo album and videos Jungsoo compiled for him, and he still had this letter that he would keep with him his entire life.

Hyukjae was never really gone. In fact, he was still here and would always be here with him.

At least, that he could accept.

 

●◉◎◈◎◉●

 

One month later...

 

The chilly morning air blasted his face, giving him a good wake-up call in his tired state. When Jongwoon jogged by a couple of bystanders, he fished out his mp3 player from his pockets and began inserting his earphones. On the way, he encountered Siwon, who paused in his tracks to greet him with a polite bow, Jongwoon doing the same. After exchanging brief greetings with each other, they went their separate ways.

The sun was starting to rise behind him, thus producing shadows in Jongwoon’s line of sight. A small smile curved his lips when he spotted Siwon’s tall shadow accompanying him not too far behind. If the younger man thought that he was being inconspicuous, then he was wrong.

Jongwoon knew, ever since he started jogging here again, that Siwon had always been with him silently, keeping him company from the back. It was a nice gesture and Jongwoon appreciated it; at least he wasn’t lonely whenever he exercised, too.

He emitted a low chuckle at the back of his throat. He had a feeling that Hyukjae had something to do with this, too, that overprotective brat.

Tilting his head upwards, he smiled as he spotted a few clouds in the vibrant sky, separated from the shining sun. Sunrise was often regarded as a sign of new beginnings, of a new day waiting ahead for everyone. It used to hurt Jongwoon whenever he watched the sunrise because that was what Hyukjae last saw before he passed, but the pain was beginning to fade now, albeit slowly.

At least it was a start.

And maybe… maybe in time, he’d heal.

He had thought that he wouldn’t be able to live normally anymore after losing Hyukjae, but it turned out that the younger kept his promise, after all. Hyukjae never left him; his love was always there, always present. In their apartment, in their friends, and in Jongwoon’s heart.

Jongwoon exhaled slightly as he continued jogging past Han River, the music he composed for Hyukjae blaring in his ears.

 

🎶 “I promise you, there will be nobody else but you.” 🎶

 

🎵 “Because that’s just how much I love you.” 🎵

 

fin