Memories

 

 

 

For izzy.

 

 

 

 

No matter where you are or what you’re doing, the clock is always ticking. So, like they say, you should cherish the moment and the people around you before they disappear so that they’ll become precious memories that stay in your heart.

For Jongwoon and Hyukjae, making memories is just like the usual. You enjoy your life as it is; you live and laugh, you cry and get angry, and you love and forget. It’s the emotional part of our souls that will never leave us no matter what.

 

 

❝ The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it. ❞

— Nicholas Sparks

 

 

I.

 

They first met each other in college. They were students in the same majors with young, ambitious hearts. Jongwoon was the quiet type who worked hard for his future while Hyukjae was the cheerful, popular one with many friends.

They were classmates at first in only a few classes since Jongwoon was two years older, and then they became friends when Jongwoon started tutoring Hyukjae in subjects he didn’t understand.

Hyukjae found Jongwoon interesting, especially the older’s reactions whenever he was teased. It only made Hyukjae want to more just to see all the different faces he’d make.

It was why, when Hyukjae confessed to him brightly one day, Jongwoon didn’t believe him.

 

 

II.

 

“Sunbaenim!” Hyukjae said, pouting as he slid into the seat next to Jongwoon in the cafeteria. “Why won’t you accept my confession? You’re so cruel, you know…”

Jongwoon was adamant in not looking at the younger beside him and kept on eating his lunch. “You’re always annoying me, always finding ways to piss me off. How can you expect me to believe you so easily? Also, call me hyung instead, it’s awkward calling me your sunbae,” he added quietly.

“Wait, do you really think I’d go so far as to confess to you as a joke, hyung?” Hyukjae remarked, his jaw dropping open in astonishment. “I’m really being sincere here!”

Jongwoon paused in the middle of his eating to turn his head towards Hyukjae, his expression still containing a hint of doubt. “...Really?”

Hyukjae nodded fervently. “Yeah, of course! Geez, hyung, just believe me this time!”

Jongwoon didn’t know what to say. He set his fork down, head hanging slightly as he tried to process the situation in his mind. “You really like me?” he said, bemused. “But why? You… you like guys?”

Hyukjae stared at him. “Yeah, I do,” he said bluntly. “Why? Do you not like me, hyung…?”

Jongwoon was about to respond to that when he suddenly felt a finger rubbing the left side of his lips gently.

Hyukjae grinned as he pulled his hand away. “You had some ketchup on your lips so I wiped it off for you,” he explained cheekily at the surprised look on Jongwoon’s face.

Jongwoon flushed. He wasn’t used to this, especially a guy doing that kind of action to him. “You brat…” he muttered, face turning red. “I could’ve just it off myself…”

Hyukjae laughed. “Actually, I just wanted an excuse to touch you~” he said mischievously.

“Shut up, Hyukjae…”

“Oh, oh?? You’re blushing? Wah, success! I’m starting to make you fall for me~”

“Yah, keep it down! You’re so embarrassing!”

“Whyyy? It’s so fun!”

They spent the entire lunch period bickering back and forth until Hyukjae began to convince Jongwoon to hold hands.

Jongwoon stared at his proffered hand hesitantly, wondering if he should take it or not. If he did, would that mean he accepted Hyukjae? Was he willing to go down that unfamiliar territory?

“Hyung.”

Jongwoon looked up at Hyukjae’s soft voice.

“Don’t worry too much. It’ll be okay,” Hyukjae said warmly, his hand still extended towards Jongwoon. “I’ll always be here for you. Aren’t I reliable, at least?”

Jongwoon’s heart started to pound as he gingerly grabbed Hyukjae’s wrist, swallowing at the decision he made. Was he going to regret it, or was it going to be worth it?

“Eyy, hyung, not there,” Hyukjae scolded playfully, taking Jongwoon’s hand from his wrist and letting their fingers intertwine. “Here.”

It was just for a brief moment, but Jongwoon could’ve sworn that he felt sparks from their fingertips, causing his skin to tingle at the contact.

 

 

III.

 

To Jongwoon’s surprise, they actually lasted. Even after they graduated from college with their degrees, even after they had jobs of their own, they still managed to be together. Hyukjae was quite understanding about Jongwoon’s insecurities, and even if Jongwoon had to endure all the relentless teasing, he knew that Hyukjae cared for him a lot. He was sincere in his words and actions, didn’t bother to sugar-coat things most of the time, and was like the bright spot of sunshine in Jongwoon’s mundane, boring life.

Jongwoon was aware of how monotonous and talkative he could be sometimes, especially when his friends pointed it out to him. Hyukjae wasn’t really the listening type, preferring to be mischievous most of the time, but even though he kept on teasing Jongwoon and making it seem like he wasn’t taking the older seriously, Jongwoon knew that that was the younger’s own defense mechanism. Hyukjae didn’t seem to like being too emotional, which was why he tended to laugh things off instead. Jongwoon never judged him for it though; if Hyukjae felt like sharing sentimental things to him, then that would be great, but if he wasn’t ready, that was okay, too.

The day they decided to live together was the day Jongwoon realized that this was it. That Hyukjae was going to be his only love, and the last one he would ever love again.

“Whoa! Is that the new grand piano you bought at that store last week?” Hyukjae exclaimed in admiration as he carried a box of his things into Jongwoon’s living room. The latter was following right behind him, carrying two stacks of boxes.

“Yeah,” Jongwoon responded with a grunt as he placed the boxes down on the floor. He wiped off the sweat from his brow using the back of his hand. “The melodies it produces are amazing. It’s worth the money.”

Hyukjae turned to his lover and held his arms, grinning brightly. “Are those the last of them?” he asked, gesturing to the boxes Jongwoon had brought in.

“You wish,” Jongwoon said with a wry smile. “There’re many more waiting for us outside. You have tons of stuff, you know. With all those clothes you brought, I don’t think my small closet can even fit them all in,” he teased.

“But you have a guest room, right? I’ll use the spare closet there,” Hyukjae said simply.

Jongwoon shook his head, chuckling. “The two fashion icons living together… this’ll be a disaster.”

“Are you saying you’re already regretting moving in with me?” Hyukjae said, frowning.

“For your information, you’re the one who’s moving into my apartment, not the other way around,” Jongwoon pointed out. “And no, I’m not regretting it at all, so stop sulking already.”

“I’m not sulking,” Hyukjae said, pouting.

“Yes, you are,” Jongwoon retorted, laughing as he tapped the younger on the nose, earning him a squeak of protest. “Now let’s go back outside and move the rest of the boxes. After that, I’ll play you a song on the piano.”

At his last sentence, Hyukjae perked up, his eyes brightening as he smiled. “Will you play that song you composed for me back when we were in college?”

A flush crept up on Jongwoon’s cheeks. “Don’t remind me…” he whined, already on his way out the door.

Hyukjae followed after him with a playful expression on his face. “Why not?” he said teasingly. “That was an amazing time back then, it was when you realized that you were falling in love with me—”

Jongwoon pressed his hands to his ears, childishly refusing to hear any more of Hyukjae’s teasing remarks.

Hyukjae kept on blabbering even when they carried another batch of boxes into the apartment. “—and you were so cute at that time, you kept on clinging onto me and hugging me wherever we went—”

Jongwoon lamented the fact that he couldn’t block out the chatter anymore since his hands were busy carrying the boxes. “Hyuk, come on, stop it,” he begged.

Hyukjae looked at him with mock surprise on his face. “Why? I loved the way you were at that time! Who would’ve known that a serious man like you could be so cuddly and a soft romantic? I loved it!”

“Still, I was so embarrassing back then…” Jongwoon grumbled as he laid down the boxes on the living room floor. “I even made you a song and sang it in front of strangers…”

Hyukjae chortled at the memory. “You were so drunk at the party that you grabbed Donghae’s guitar and started serenading me in front of so many people!” he recounted, giggling even more at the sight of Jongwoon’s alarmingly-red ears. “It was fine though since about half of them were drunk, too, but your voice sounded so good that they all stopped to stare, haha!”

“Stop, let’s forget about it now, OK?” Jongwoon pleaded.

Hyukjae stopped laughing and embraced his lover with a wide grin. “Okay, okay,” he said softly, nuzzling his lips against Jongwoon’s neck. “Don’t be so embarrassed. I really did love it a lot.” He pulled back to stare at the other’s eyes. “Let’s play it again later with your piano. I miss hearing it.”

Later that day, after unpacking all the boxes and arranging Hyukjae’s things in the apartment, they sat in front of the piano, Jongwoon pressing the keys effortlessly as he sang the slow version softly while Hyukjae listened contentedly, laying his head on Jongwoon’s shoulder.

🎶 “I promise you, there will be nobody else but you.” 🎶

 

 

IV.

 

Living together was, to Jongwoon’s surprise, quite easier than he initially thought it would be. He and Hyukjae had different hobbies and preferences, after all. For example, Jongwoon didn’t eat much while Hyukjae was a voracious eater, but also very picky.

There was also the matter of them not knowing how to cook. For one week straight, Hyukjae continuously cooked them ramen, which was the only thing he knew how to make, while Jongwoon sometimes ordered takeout when he got sick of the noodles after some time. In the end, they decided to learn how to cook and eventually planned a cooking showdown that would commence in one month to see who was the better cook between them.

It was a bit childish, but it sparked both of their competitive spirits, so they went to work on preparing themselves for the cook-off.

Hyukjae learned through cooking shows on the television and by streaming recipe videos on his phone. He didn’t want to cook any seafood, so he focused on noodle-based meals and ones involving tasty meat.

Jongwoon, on the other hand, learned a variety of recipes from Ryeowook, his friend and neighbor, and even asked help from Kyuhyun and Jungsoo who lived only blocks away. He preferred hands-on practice, so he absorbed every tip given to him like a sponge.

When a month finally passed, Jongwoon and Hyukjae stood in Kyuhyun’s dining room. They decided to hold the competition in the latter’s house since Kyuhyun’s home was big and he had two kitchens from each side.

Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, and Jungsoo were the volunteer judges.

“So, does everyone have their ingredients ready?” Kyuhyun asked with a spoon in hand.

“Yes!” Jongwoon and Hyukjae chorused.

“OK, I’ll give you guys exactly 1 hour. Start!”

The two immediately went to work in preparing their ingredients. Kyuhyun watched them from the side, giving comments every now and then. Ryeowook had already set the timer on his phone and went towards the living room to watch TV. Jungsoo, on the other hand, browsed through his social media account, knowing that the food was going to take a while.

After one hour, two dishes each were placed on the table, both contestants looking very proud of themselves.

“Contestant Kim, what are your dishes?” Kyuhyun asked, critically eyeing the steaming-hot bowls in front of him.

Jongwoom cleared his throat. “I made spicy chicken stir fry and spicy soft tofu stew,” he explained. “Since Hyukkie likes chicken and he doesn’t like seafood in his soup, I prepared these dishes to appease his tastes,” he finished proudly.

“Hyukjae-ya,” Jungsoo called out with a laugh, “wipe that drool off your face, will you?”

Hyukjae looked startled at the sudden call-out and reflexively wiped the side of his lips with the back of his hand. When he didn’t feel any kind of liquid on his skin, he turned to Jungsoo.

“Aish, hyung! How dare you trick me!” he exclaimed, feeling humiliated.

The others laughed at Hyukjae’s embarrassment while Jongwoon raised his arms triumphantly.

“Looks like I’ll be winning this one,” he teased.

“They haven’t even tasted it yet,” Hyukjae grumbled.

“Then please explain your dishes to us, Contestant Lee,” Kyuhyun said, turning to Hyukjae’s side of the table.

Hyukjae’s features lit up when he realized that it was his turn now. “Since both of us like meat, I prepared spicy pork bulgogi—” Kyuhyun let out an exaggerated gasp at that which earned him a glare from Hyukjae. “—and kimchi udon noodle stir fry. It caters to both our tastes well since one has meat and the other has noodles,” Hyukjae finished confidently.

Kyuhyun, however, leaned over and sniffed the bowls. “Hmm, smells edible at least,” he remarked casually.

“Yah!” Hyukjae resisted the temptation to slog him. “What’s with this unfair treatment? How come you guys didn’t say anything bad when it was Jongwoon-hyung’s turn?” he complained.

“Because we’re more scared of your cooking skills than with Jongwoon-hyung’s,” Ryeowook responded bluntly.

Kyuhyun nodded. “We’re the ones who coached Jongwoon-hyung, after all.”

“Plus, you’re more fun to tease than Jongwoon,” added Jungsoo with a snicker.

Hyukjae groaned. It was so unfair!

In the end, they picked Jongwoon’s dishes over Hyukjae’s, mainly because Hyukjae’s cooking was, in nicer words, kind of bland compared to Jongwoon’s slightly overseasoned ones. Hyukjae sulked in his seat until Jongwoon came over to him and attempted to feed him with a spoonful of rice.

“Say aah~” Jongwoon prodded.

Hyukjae pouted, but opened his mouth anyway and let Jongwoon put the rice inside. After that, Hyukjae took a piece of chicken from his plate and ate it without hesitation.

“Good boy,” Jongwoon crooned, rubbing the younger’s back soothingly.

“I’m not a kid,” Hyukjae muttered, causing Jongwoon to break into a chuckle. He smiled then, because Jongwoon’s laughter, as always, was like music to his ears.

In the end, they kept feeding each other lovingly, causing Kyuhyun and Ryeowook to feign vomiting noises at the side while Jungsoo was busy taking a video of the two lovebirds. All in all, it was a chaotic yet fun night to remember.

 

 

V.

 

“My checkup is finished,” Hyukjae announced cheerfully as he strode over to his lover. “It’s your turn, hyung.”

Jongwoon smiled faintly and allowed the younger to him to the doctor’s office. When they entered the room and Jongwoon was seated before Dr. Choi, Hyukjae turned to the older man and grinned brightly.

“Doctor, please take care of him! His headaches and stress habits have been occurring too much lately and—”

Jongwoon waved a dismissive hand at him, looking embarrassed. “Hyuk-ah, I’ll be fine,” he said, shooing the younger away.

Hyukjae pouted. “I was just worried… OK, fine,” he grumbled, opening the door to leave. Before he exited though, he turned back to Dr. Choi.

“Doctor, remember what I said!” he called out before leaving. Jongwoon raised a hand to his temple, massaging it with a sigh.

Siwon looked slightly amused with the whole thing. “He’s as chipper as always, I see…”

Jongwoon groaned. “Tell me about it. He treats me like a kid sometimes when he’s the real kid here…”

Siwon laughed at that, then took Jongwoon’s hand in his. “So your headaches are starting to occur frequently? Let’s do the checkup quickly.”

When Jongwoon finished his examination and Siwon was in the middle of explaining, Hyukjae suddenly opened the door, startling them both in their seats.

“Hyung! I’m gonna go to the bakery nearby and order some pastries,” Hyukjae said excitedly, not noticing the grim looks on the two’s faces. “Do you want some?”

“O—Oh… yeah, Hyuk. I’d like some,” Jongwoon responded tentatively., not really turning his body fully to face his lover.

“Great! I’ll be back later since you’re still in the middle of a checkup.” Hyukjae gave them a cheery wave and left the room. They could hear the younger’s faint footsteps walking away before it eventually disappeared.

“Thank goodness he didn’t hear...” Jongwoon said ruefully, his shoulders sagging in sadness and relief from the unexpected interruption.

Siwon stared at his patient with sympathy in his eyes. “I know it must be hard, but… back to where we left off…” Siwon glanced at Jongwoon’s stiffening frame. “Jongwoon-ssi, I’m really sorry to say this, but…” Siwon looked pained to say his next words. “The treatments aren’t working… I’m so sorry. I can’t guarantee...”

Jongwoon listened to everything, an aching dullness spreading in his chest. Siwon’s words were like an empty echo now; his ears were starting to ring and everything seemed to be slowly fading into white noise.

He knew that this was coming, he knew it deep inside his heart, but he’d refused to believe that it would actually happen.

And now here he was, wishing that he could have more time.

More time with Hyukjae.

Exhaling deeply, Jongwoon only had one request.

“Please… don’t tell this to Hyukjae,” he choked out. “Please…”

At Siwon’s hesitant nod, Jongwoon buried his face in his hands and cried.

 

 

V.

 

“What’s wrong?” Hyukjae’s soft voice snapped Jongwoon out of his thoughts.

He and his lover were sitting in front of the TV, watching a movie. Hyukjae wanted to watch the new Japanese romance movie that was coming out since it was based on a manga of the same name, so Jongwoon indulged him, being a movie lover himself. However, Jongwoon couldn’t find it in himself to surf the net on his phone or read the basketball magazine that was on his lap. He couldn’t focus on the movie, either.

“Huh?” Jongwoon responded, slightly dazed.

Hyukjae paused the movie and turned to him with worry in his eyes. “Hyung, you’ve been staring at me nonstop ever since the movie started without even doing all the multitasking things you usually do,” he pointed out. “What is it? Is something wrong? You know you can always tell me anything, right?”

Jongwoon shook his head, managing a small smile as he waved Hyukjae’s worries away. “No, it’s nothing, Hyukkie,” he assured softly. “I just zoned out for a bit, sorry about that… you can go back to watching the movie now.”

Hyukjae blinked. “Well, whatever you say… But, you won’t watch it together with me? It’s getting to the good part now.”

“I’ll watch it too, but I’m following a news thread on SNS at the moment…”

Hyukjae seemed doubtful at this since Jongwoon barely even looked at his phone all day but he shrugged it off, thinking that his lover must be in another one of his moods.

So Hyukjae went back to watching while Jongwoon glanced at his phone. He stared at his news feed for only a few seconds before he found himself staring at Hyukjae again.

This time, as he looked closely, he thought that Hyukjae had such a beautiful face. No wonder he was a popular guy back on campus. Not only were his looks enchanting to look at, but his personality was also quite charming in a way.

Jongwoon thought about how lucky he was to have a guy like Hyukjae by his side. Others didn’t really bother to get to know Jongwoon and found him intimidating and cold sometimes, but only Hyukjae broke into that shell and found small pearls hiding behind Jongwoon’s façade. Hyukjae never judged Jongwoon at all ever since they first met and it was that attribute of the younger that drew Jongwoon to him like a magnet.

Eight years feel so short now… Jongwoon thought to himself, biting his lips to prevent it from trembling. I want to spend more time with him… to experience more laughter, more tears… more dates...

But…

How can I ever do that now…?

Will they ever be enough…?

Because Jongwoon was so preoccupied with his thoughts, he didn’t even notice that Hyukjae had paused the movie again. This time, instead of asking questions, Hyukjae leaned towards his lover and snapped his fingers loudly in front of the man’s face, jolting the latter out of his daze.

Hyukjae chuckled as Jongwoon blinked at him in confusion. “You’re so weird,” Hyukjae remarked. “Why are you looking at me like you want to say goodbye? Geez.” He shook his head, not noticing the grief-stricken expression that briefly crossed Jongwoon’s features. “I know I’m irresistible, and I’ll always be here anyway, so I’ll never allow you to leave me. You got that?”

Playfully, Hyukjae flicked his boyfriend on the forehead, earning him a shout of pain from the latter.

“Yah!” Jongwoon yelled, rubbing the sore spot on his forehead. “That hurt!”

“That was for being sentimental in front of me this early at night,” Hyukjae retorted, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You’ve been acting so weird and distant ever since we finished that checkup at the hospital. Dr. Choi prescribed you some medicine that’ll help you with your headaches and told us that it wasn’t anything serious, right?”

Jongwoon nodded slowly, feeling guilty that he’d apparently been too transparent. He couldn’t help it, and the fact that Hyukjae was good at noticing things didn’t help matters, either.

“Geez, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that you’re hiding your terminal illness from me or something,” Hyukjae rambled on, unaware of the way Jongwoon’s eyes widened in panic and how the latter’s body instantly turned rigid. “But that only happens in soap operas anyway, and Dr. Choi assured us that nothing’s wrong with you, so don’t be too dramatic, OK?” Hyukjae grinned sunnily as he scooted over to his boyfriend and wrapped an arm around Jongwoon’s shoulders. “I’ll always be here whenever you need me, so don’t worry, my love~”

When Hyukjae kissed him on the cheek, Jongwoon felt his worries vanishing at that moment and relaxed against the younger’s touch, closing his eyes. He breathed in Hyukjae’s natural scent, memorizing it.

He really was lucky to have Hyukjae by his side.

Just for now… Jongwoon thought to himself as a stray tear fell from his eye which went unnoticed by Hyukjae. Just for now… I’ll forget.

 

 

VI.

 

Jongwoon woke up in the middle of the night, his forehead perspiring with cold sweat. He’d had a bad dream.

Now wide awake, he glanced at his lover who was sleeping beside him peacefully, completely innocent and unaware of everything. Jongwoon felt extremely guilty for not telling him the truth, for letting him be ignorant. But Jongwoon just couldn’t bring himself to tell Hyukjae. Hyukjae deserved to be happy, to be blissfully unaware. He wanted the younger to enjoy his life at the moment, so Jongwoon planned to keep this heavy burden on his shoulders for the rest of his life.

Instead, he was going to live every day as if it were his last. He was going to take Hyukjae’s bucket list and do all the things he wanted to do together. They weren’t going to waste time anymore. Time was precious; like they say, it’s only a matter of time before you disappear from the world, so live life to the fullest.

Jongwoon glanced at his nightstand and his heart clenched painfully when he saw the pill bottle lying there innocently. He had told a concerned Hyukjae that they were just another set of multivitamins prescribed by Dr. Choi for a better immune system and the younger bought his lie. Thank goodness Siwon listened to his request to place the pills in a small glass bottle without any labels. He couldn’t afford for Hyukjae to be suspicious about anything.

Sighing heavily to himself as he sensed the tears coming, he tried his best not to move an inch. Hyukjae was a light sleeper; if he his side or sat up in bed, Hyukjae would wake up, so he willed himself to go back to sleep.

Just as he was starting to drift off to dreamland, he remembered Siwon’s words in his head.

 

“It’s not going to happen now or later since it’s still in the early stages, but I estimate… about two months judging from the progression.

“So remember… to make yourselves happy every day from now on.”

 

 

VII.

 

“I love you.”

Hyukjae looked up from the game he was playing, looking sheepish. “Hyung, that’s the third time today,” he remarked. “And the twentieth time this week, maybe?? What’s with you all of a sudden?”

Jongwoon smiled as he placed a cup of hot chocolate on the coffee table in front of his lover. When Hyukjae peeked at it, he saw that there were six small marshmallows floating on top of the warm liquid and tried to contain his smile. He had only mentioned this to Jongwoon once back when they were two years into their relationship, that he liked this kind of hot cocoa style. It was a wonder that the older still remembered that tidbit he let slip.

“Okay, what did you do?” Hyukjae demanded, facing his lover with crossed arms after turning off his phone and placing it on the coffee table. “Why are you being so nice to me? Did you cheat on me? Do you actually have a secret wife and kids in the countryside?”

Jongwoon scowled, then whacked the younger at the side of his head. Hyukjae yelped in pain, rubbing the part that was hit.

“Ow! What was that for?” Hyukjae whined.

“That was for being an annoying prick,” Jongwoon responded with a glare.

Hyukjae cackled, reaching out and locking the older in his arms. “I was just kidding~ hyung, I know you love me~”

Jongwoon sighed, but he couldn’t contain the smile on his face. He hugged back, letting Hyukjae bury his face in the crook of his neck. “You really can’t go on a day without teasing me, huh?”

“Of course,” Hyukjae replied immediately, causing Jongwoon to shake his head exasperatedly. “This is my affection towards you, hyung.”

“Okay, fine, I get it,” Jongwoon relented, tenderly rubbing circles on Hyukjae’s back. “Well? Won’t you say it back?”

“Say what back?”

“You know.”

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jongwoon growled, stopping his ministrations on the younger’s back. “Mess with me one more time and I’ll make sure you regret it,” he threatened.

Hyukjae snickered at that. “Oh yeah? What are you going to do?” He was about to let go of the embrace when suddenly he realized that Jongwoon had such a tight grip on him. Squeaking in surprise, Hyukjae tried his best to pull away, but Jongwoon was too strong for him.

“What I’m going to do,” Jongwoon whispered huskily, leaning his lips towards Hyukjae’s ear, “is push you against that wall, ravish you like there’s no tomorrow, and make sure that you won’t be able to walk properly in the morning.” He pulled away at that moment, satisfied at Hyukjae’s wide eyes and flushed face.

“...” Hyukjae gulped, then chuckled a little, albeit nervously. “Ah… looks like I need to mess with you more then, hyung,” he responded, wagging his eyebrows playfully.

Jongwoon couldn’t help but laugh at that before shoving the younger to the couch and laying on top of him. He then proceeded to bite Hyukjae’s lower lip, causing the latter to gasp, and slid his tongue inside his open mouth.

Hyukjae’s hot chocolate was forgotten on the coffee table, already growing cold.

 

 

VIII.

 

Jongwoon was surprised one day to find yellow sticky notes all over their bedroom walls, some even decorated with heart stickers. It was such a surreal sight that he almost dropped his bag to the floor.

Hyukjae, who was busy attaching a note at that moment, turned to him with a jolt, apparently not expecting his lover to be back so soon.

“Ah, h—hyung,” he stammered, having the decency to look embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his head. “You’re home?”

Jongwoon’s lips were parted open in surprise. “You… what are you doing, Hyukjae?” he questioned, his mind still reeling as he moved towards the sticky notes. He leaned closer to one and read its contents.

 

You always talk too much.

 

Jongwoon’s jaw clenched as he finished reading. He turned to his lover, annoyed. “What are you trying to pull here?”

Hyukjae only laughed and continued writing and placing sticky notes on one side of the wall.

Jongwoon went to read another one.

 

You do weird things most of the time.

 

Jongwoon scowled, then went to the next one.

 

Your dancing is horrible.

 

Jongwoon growled. “Yah, is this a dissing wall or something? Give me that pen; I have tons to say about you too, you little—”

Hyukjae laughed in shock as he raised his arms in a form of surrender. “No, wait, h—hyung! Read them all first!”

Jongwoon paused in his tracks, cast him a suspicious glance, then went back to reading.

 

You wear too many accessories.

 

You multitask too much.

 

You’re too sensitive sometimes.

 

You take too many selcas.

 

This damn brat… Jongwoon thought to himself as he forced himself to keep on reading. He really needs to be taught a lesson later…

 

You cry so much sometimes that it makes me feel awkward.

 

Your jokes are lame, too.

 

You tend to talk too much about yourself.

 

You may seem cold and aloof sometimes, but your heart is really soft.

 

Your voice is beautiful. I could listen to it all day.

 

I never told you this, but I love it when you smile.

 

Your laugh is contagious. I love making you laugh.

 

When you touch me, I get shivers under my skin.

 

When you’re affectionate with me, I feel like I’m on cloud nine.

 

Jongwoon could feel his heart leaping in his chest at the touching words he kept on reading.

 

When you hug me, I feel so safe and secure.

 

When you play with my hair, I always smile like a little kid.

 

Whenever you cry, it hurts me. I’m sorry if I seem like I’m only teasing you about it.

 

Whenever you kiss me, my whole body feels hot and needy. You’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way before.

 

Whenever I ask for you, you always drop whatever you’re doing to come to me anytime I need you.

 

Even though you talk too much and even though you make my hand get cramps talking to you on the phone for hours, I still listen to you.

 

Even though you take too many selcas, I always love it when we take pictures together.

 

Even though your jokes are lame, I laugh at them because they’re actually kind of funny sometimes.

 

Your dancing may be horrible, but I enjoy watching you nevertheless.

 

Even though I tease you so much, you never get angry at me.

 

You’re always patient with me even if I’m kinda bratty sometimes.

 

I’m lucky to have you. I’m lucky you love me, too. Good thing you’ll always be mine. ♡

 

When Jongwoon finished reading everything, he let out a sigh as he slowly turned towards his boyfriend.

Hyukjae was staring at him from the side, his expression unreadable. “Er… you’re not going to kill me, are you, hyung?” he whispered, his arms readying a defensive position just in case.

But Jongwoon just shook his head, emotions continuously pouring and shaking his body. “What… what made you do this for me?” he asked softly.

Hyukjae seemed to sense the sentimentality in Jongwoon’s voice and his posture relaxed. “Well… when I started doing this, it was about two hours before Valentine’s day,” he said, checking his watch since they forgot to place a wall clock in their room. “I wanted to do something meaningful for you since, well, you like meaningful things, so I asked Heechul-hyung and Sungmin-hyung for advice,” he rambled on. “They suggested this since I can’t really say those things to your face… haha, ‘cause it’s embarrassing, sorry… A—Anyway, I don’t do cheesy things like this often so you’d better be happy with it!” Hyukjae added a bit nervously, watching Jongwoon’s expression closely for any form of reaction.

Jongwoon walked over to him until their bodies were centimeters apart. Hyukjae blinked in confusion when Jongwoon took his hand and raised it to peer at his watch.

“One minute and a half left before midnight,” Jongwoon said softly, his eyes resting on Hyukjae’s befuddled expression. They stared at each other like that in complete silence, Hyukjae swallowing the nervous lump in his throat as he tried not to avert his eyes away from Jongwoon’s penetrating gaze.

When Jongwoon looked down, there were only seconds left.

“Three… two…” Jongwoon murmured softly. “...one…”

At that moment, Hyukjae raised his head shyly to look at his lover’s face. Jongwoon smiled in response and patted his head gently, then he leaned down and placed a kiss on Hyukjae’s cheek.

“Thank you, Hyukjae,” he said gently, placing another kiss on the other side of his lover’s cheek. “Happy valentine’s day. I know it’s not much compared to your surprise, but I bought strawberry cake for us. I placed it in the fridge earlier.”

Hyukjae’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

Jongwoon chuckled. He knew that Hyukjae had been craving for that particular cake ever since he had a taste of it at their restaurant date a week ago. “Yeah.” He nodded and took the younger’s hand in his. “Let’s go?”

Hyukjae nodded eagerly, and both of them sat at the dining table, enjoying their midnight snack.

“Come to think of it,” Jongwoon mused as he chewed on a small slice, “I read every sticky note on the wall, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one with an ‘I love you’.” He cast a suspicious look towards his lover who only snickered in response.

“Eyy, that’s too much, hyung,” Hyukjae said, still laughing as he waved a hand dismissively.

Jongwoon’s eyes almost bugged out of their sockets. “T—Too much?!” he sputtered. “We’ve been together for eight years already and you say it’s too much to tell me you love me?”

Hyukjae shrugged. “You say it to me a lot for the both of us, anyway,” he replied nonchalantly.

Jongwoon growled, then lunged towards the younger and pinned him to the couch nearby. “You little brat,” he hissed. “I’ve spoiled you too much, haven’t I? Take this!”

Hyukjae’s eyes widened when he realized what his boyfriend was doing. “Wait, wait! N—No — HAHAHAHAHA!! Wait, s—stop it, n — HAHA!”

Jongwoon paid no attention to Hyukjae’s pleas and continued to tickle him mercilessly. Revenge was sweet.

“STOP!! I—I’m sorry — HAHAHAHAHA! D—Damn it, hyung, I’m t—tired — gah!”

“Reflect on your actions!”

“OK, OK, y—you win!!”

---

●◉◎◈◎◉●

---

The next day, Hyukjae woke up with bleary eyes and searched for his phone on the nightstand. The sun’s rays were already filtering through the closed windows, giving the impression that it was afternoon already. Hyukjae glanced at the clock on his phone and almost gasped out loud at what he saw.

“Two o’clock in the — whoa! Why didn’t hyung wake me up?” In a flash, Hyukjae scrambled out of bed, put on his slippers, and began to walk towards the door.

However, in his peripheral vision, he noticed something odd to his left. Turning his head curiously to inspect what it was, he almost stumbled back in surprise.

The wall that he hadn’t touched last night was now filled with sticky notes, blue ones this time in contrast to the yellow ones at the other side. Hyukjae moved closer, enchanted at the sight, and when he spotted Jongwoon’s familiar handwriting, he began reading one by one.

 

You’re annoying.

 

Hyukjae burst into laughter when he read that one. “He’s getting his revenge on me, I see,” he muttered in amusement, moving over to read the other ones.

 

You’re like a kid most of the time.

 

You get a knack out of pissing me off and displeasing me in front of others.

 

You tease me so much that it’s all you ever do sometimes when we’re at home. Stop it.

 

Your dancing is better than mine, I guess.

 

Hyukjae sputtered at that one, cackling maniacally. “This hyung is sulking so much!” he exclaimed, shaking his head at his lover’s childish antics.

 

You’re cute whenever you pout. It makes me want to squeeze you in my arms.

 

We’re like opposites but we understand each other’s differences.

 

Your gummy smile is adorable, so don’t ever let other people tell you otherwise.

 

My friends often tell me I spoil you too much, but the truth is I’m the one who’s always spoiled by you.

 

All those guys who told you you were ugly can all go to hell with my fist on their faces.

 

I admit that I hate it when you tease me too much sometimes, but your laughter chases all my angry thoughts away.

 

You’re so kind, you never really get angry at people. When it comes to patience, I think you’re better than me in that aspect.

 

You may play around a lot, but you can be serious and mature in situations where it’s needed.

 

I talk a lot, but unlike the others, you answer all my calls and come for me whenever I need someone to talk to. I’m grateful for that.

 

I’m the one who hugs you a lot, but when you’re the one initiating the hug, it feels like everything is worth it.

 

I love it when you kiss me first. You get possessive, needy, and clingy whenever you give me affection. It makes me feel wanted.

 

You never tell me you love me anymore. I’m sad (ಥ_ಥ)

 

I don’t care though as long as you’re mine.

 

I love you, Lee Hyukjae.

 

I love you a thousand times.

 

I’ll love you till the end.

 

Hyukjae went out of the bedroom, found Jongwoon busily cooking lunch, and walked over to him. Jongwoon sensed him approaching and was about to greet him with a good ‘morning’ when he suddenly felt the younger’s arm snake around his waist from behind.

“What’s wrong?” Jongwoon called out softly, feeling Hyukjae rest his chin on his shoulder. “Did you see my surprise?”

Hyukjae smiled, turning his head to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek.

“Yeah, I did.”

Jongwoon turned off the stove to let the stew simmer a bit before turning around to face his lover. Hyukjae was still holding onto him, so their faces were very close to each other.

“Seeing that you gave me a kiss on the cheek, I guess you liked it,” Jongwoon teased.

Hyukjae laughed, leaning closer to press a kiss on Jongwoon’s nose. “I did.”

“Yah, that tickles.”

Hyukjae paid no heed and continued to shower his lover’s face with soft kisses all over, causing Jongwoon’s heart to beat fast at the sudden affection from the younger.

When Hyukjae pulled away, he chuckled. “Hyung, your ears are so red!” he teased.

Jongwoon huffed. “Excuse me for enjoying my boyfriend’s kisses,” he muttered, cheeks still flushed red.

Hyukjae grinned, then kissed him on the lips, tilting his head for better access. Jongwoon responded quickly, at the younger’s lower lip before switching to the upper lip, biting it softly and it afterwards.

When Jongwoon felt his shirt being lifted slightly and hands began roaming up his back, his eyes flew open in surprise.

“H—Hyuk—”

“What?” Hyukjae’s hands went higher, seemingly undisturbed.

“Not h—here,” Jongwoon gasped out. “We still need to eat…”

Hyukjae took that opportunity to slip his tongue inside Jongwoon’s parted lips, cupping his face with his hands as he explored the older’s mouth ravenously. Jongwoon emitted a moan at the back of his throat, helpless at his lover’s dominance over him.

When they both pulled away to breathe, only inches apart, Hyukjae eyed Jongwoon with something predatory in his gaze.

“You’re right, I am hungry…” He gave a bright grin that almost seemed innocent as he his lips. “...but it’s not food I want to eat right now.”

Needless to say, the stew grew cold in the stove after a long time of being forgotten.

 

 

IX.

 

“Hyuk? Why are you lying on the bed?” Jongwoon asked one day as he entered their bedroom after lunch.

“I’m just gonna sleep a bit,” Hyukjae replied as he threw his arm over his eyes, covering them from the blaring fluorescents. “Hyung, can you turn off the lights before you leave—”

“Are you really sleepy? Don’t sleep yet,” Jongwoon said, his voice almost pleading.

Hyukjae retracted his arm, eyes flying open in surprise. “What? Why?” he asked, instantly sitting up on the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s still afternoon out,” Jongwoon explained, moving towards his lover and sitting next to him on the bed. “Why don’t we go on a date? It’s been a while since we last went together outside to have fun.”

“Oh? Sounds good,” Hyukjae replied, covering a small yawn with his hand.

Jongwoon looked at him worriedly, his heart silently throbbing in pain. There wasn’t enough time left for them to spend a lot of moments together. Even though he felt guilty, he had to make another memory with Hyukjae before it was too late. He needed this — they needed this.

“I’m sorry for ruining your nap. We can go buy a strawberry shake at the mall—” Jongwoon began.

Hyukjae chuckled, reaching out and pulling his lover towards him. Resting his chin at the top of Jongwoon’s head, he murmured, “Don’t be sorry. I’m wide awake now, stop overreacting!”

Jongwoon pouted. “I was just being considerate…”

“I know you were,” Hyukjae responded, kissing Jongwoon’s hair tenderly. “Let’s go on our date then, hyung~”

Jongwoon smiled, then pulled away from Hyukjae and began to get off the bed. “Alright, I’ll go take a shower first…”

“Where are you going?” Hyukjae said, causing Jongwoon to turn his head towards him in slight confusion.

“I just said that I was going to go take a shower,” Jongwoon pointed out.

Hyukjae grinned at him, showing his adorable gummy smile. “You forgot my kiss~” he reminded chirpily.

Jongwoon rolled his eyes in good humor. “Well, aren’t you quite clingy nowadays,” he teased.

Hyukjae pouted, tapping his lips with his index finger. “Come on, hyung~ just one kiss.”

Jongwoon looked at him warily. “Maybe you should get off the bed first…” he suggested.

Hyukjae smirked. “Why? You won’t be able to control yourself?”

“Don’t think erted thoughts, you brat!” Jongwoon exclaimed, throwing a pillow at the younger.

“Ouch!! Yah, you’re going to get it now! I’m the king of pillow fights, you know!”

“What? ‘Yah’?! You brat, you’re speaking informally to your hyung?!”

“Merooong~! Come and catch me! If you can, that is! Muahahaha — OW!! Why did you hit my nose!!? Take this, you cheater!”

“Ouch!! You little — come here, you!!”

In the end, they got exhausted with their majestic pillow fight — with Hyukjae running around their apartment and Jongwoon chasing after him like a mad cat. Both of them announced a truce after that.

Once their laughter finally dissolved, they found themselves lying together on the floor, entwined in each other’s arms. Jongwoon smiled softly as he pecked the side of Hyukjae’s cheek.

“Looks like our date is going to have to be postponed tomorrow…”

Hyukjae grinned. “We can just have a dinner date at a restaurant later, no problem.”

Jongwoon laughed. “That sounds like a great idea.”

 

 

X.

 

During the long years of their relationship, they didn’t fight that often, but when Jongwoon came home that night sporting a bruise on his pale face, Hyukjae was out of his seat in a flash.

“What the—” In a few quick strides, Hyukjae was in front of him, hand reaching out to touch the contusion but hesitating in mid-air. Instead, he cupped Jongwoon’s face with his hand and demanded angrily, “Who the hell did this to you?!”

Jongwoon grabbed Hyukjae’s hand and gently pulled it away from his face. “It’s nothing, Hyukkie,” he said. “It’s just a scratch.”

“A scratch?” Hyukjae repeated in disbelief. “You call this a scratch? I can clearly see a black eye already forming there! How can you say it’s nothing?”

“Hyuk, don’t be angry, okay?” Jongwoon pleaded quietly, sitting on the sofa in exhaustion. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Did something happen at work? You don’t usually get angry like this—”

“Darn it, of course I’m angry!” Hyukjae shouted, startling Jongwoon by the heated glare the younger was sending him. “My co-workers thought I plagiarized some documents, my boss gave me a warning and didn’t even hear my side, and now you come home with a black eye! How can I not be angry?!”

“Hyuk, please,” Jongwoon tried to soothe, “you’re stressed… come here for a moment—”

“Why are you trying to change the subject?” Hyukjae demanded, folding his arms in front of his chest. “You usually talk to me a lot about what happens in your day. What are you trying to hide from me?”

“I’m not hiding anything,” Jongwoon reassured. “I just want you to calm down for a moment.” He patted the empty space on the couch next to him. “Sit here, please?”

At the imploring look on Jongwoon’s gaze, Hyukjae finally relented and sat beside his lover a bit reluctantly. When he turned to him and leaned closer to inspect the bruise better, Jongwoon murmured that he shouldn’t bother and that it was going to heal in a few days.

Hyukjae’s expression was a combination of surprise and disbelief. “What on — why can I smell alcohol on your breath? Wait, did you go drinking tonight?” he demanded. “Damn it, Jongwoon-hyung, Dr. Choi told you not to drink while you’re taking your medication! How could you — wait a second, did you get into a drunken fight with someone?” Hyukjae’s voice was beginning to grow louder, and Jongwoon flinched at the harsh undertone, his headache growing worse each second. “Is that why you can’t tell me where you got that black eye? What the —”

“Hyukkie, I’m sorry baby, but can you please be quiet?” Jongwoon pleaded, his vision beginning to turn blurry. He really should not have drunk too much tonight. “My headache is killing me…”

Hyukjae looked like he wanted to explode at that moment, but he held it in. Exhaling harshly, he stalked towards the kitchen and began opening and closing the cupboards in search of something.

Jongwoon didn’t know what he was doing, but he couldn’t quite care at that moment. He rested his elbows on his knees, gently rubbing his temples in a desperate plea for the pain to go away. The stress was really getting to him and it was affecting him a lot more than it should.

Footsteps approached his way and Jongwoon raised his head to see Hyukjae with a controlled expression on his face as he held a glass of water in one hand and a bottle of painkillers in the other. He slowly set them down on the table and said stonily, “Take these and go to bed. I’ll go sleep in the guest room.”

Before Jongwoon could protest, Hyukjae was already walking off in the direction of the guest room. When he reached the door and twisted the knob, he turned to send one last glance towards Jongwoon and disappeared into the room afterwards without another word.

Jongwoon winced as he heard the guest room door slam in response to Hyukjae’s anger.

 

 

XI.

 

Days passed by just like that, with no words spoken between them during that time. It was killing Jongwoon on the inside, yet he couldn’t help but feel angry about it as well. In his mind, he always had the same thoughts over and over again: they didn’t have a lot of time left to be together. If he kept it going like this, then he would regret it forever. However, he could never tell Hyukjae the real reason why he acquired the bruise that day. He’d gotten drunk and did a stupid thing; if he told Hyukjae about it, he would only get madder.

Every night ever since their fight, Jongwoon found himself crying alone in their bedroom, clutching the sheets and grasping a pillow to his chest. They still had a bit of Hyukjae’s scent on them which Jongwoon missed dearly.

Jongwoon’s headaches came back as well and he couldn’t stand all the stress and pain so he kept on taking painkillers along with his medicine. He could clearly feel the dip in his immune system and he blamed it on lack of sleep and eating. Both of them had taken to cooking their own food or ordering separate take-outs ever since which created a very tense yet awkward atmosphere between them.

I feel like I’m dying already.

Lost in a whirlwind of thoughts, Jongwoon decided to go pay another visit to Siwon. It was a good thing that he was close friends with the doctor, otherwise he would have no one to talk to. He was beginning to feel quite lonely and he hated himself for not being able to confide in his long-time boyfriend whom he trusted with his life.

 

Hyukjae-ya, I’m leaving for a doctor’s appointment. I’ll be back before 7.

 

He attached the note to the refrigerator and walked towards the front door, grabbing his coat on the way. He closed the door behind him, heard it lock automatically, and went down the stairs.

Outside, Jongwoon exhaled, feeling the tension settling in his gut. He really did need to pour out his suppressed feelings to someone or else he’d explode. He could only cry every night in their bedroom while Hyukjae was sound asleep in the guest room, letting out his pain every now and then. He couldn’t believe that everything was starting to fall apart at the seams. He knew he had to make it up to Hyukjae soon — there was no time — but he couldn’t face his boyfriend like this, especially in his current sensitive state.

He needed to talk to someone, and Siwon was definitely the best choice for that.

---

●◉◎◈◎◉●

---

“You still won’t tell him?” Siwon said quietly.

Jongwoon shook his head. “No. No… he can’t know about this. I don’t want to hurt him…”

“You’re not going to regret it?” Siwon prodded softly. “Death is a serious matter, Jongwoon-hyung… do you really want him to be kept in the dark until the end? What if he finds out?” Siwon held his tongue, but he couldn’t help saying the next words. “Are you sure he won’t hate you then?”

Jongwoon was silent at that, his hands wrapping tightly around his empty cup. He hung his head, feeling slightly ashamed at the imploring expression on Siwon’s face. He understood why his friend was saying all this to him, but it was hard. It was too hard to say, too hard to do.

All he wanted was for Hyukjae to live a life without worries, without stressing over anything. Jongwoon didn’t want to leave him, but he was afraid of Hyukjae leaving him, because sometimes people could change their minds, too. Hyukjae was an overly kind and gentle person but he also tended to be quite unpredictable.

Jongwoon couldn’t help but think that he was being the selfish one here.

“I just don’t want him to be sad…” Jongwoon choked out, tears falling from his eyes. “I don’t like seeing him cry, Siwon-ah… I love him too much. I don’t want him to ever think and worry that I’m going to leave him someday.”

Remorse crossed Siwon’s features as he slowly pulled out his handkerchief and gave it to Jongwoon. Jongwoon shook his head, wiping away his tears using his hands, but Siwon insisted on wiping them instead. Jongwoon just sat there and let him be, internally grateful that he had someone he could spill his secret to. If he was alone, he wouldn’t know what to do.

Neither of them noticed Hyukjae who was standing frozen in the streets, gaping at them through the large glass windows of the café. Neither of them saw him clench his fists, turn away, and walk out of the scene that broke his heart.

 

 

XIII.

 

It was tense in the apartment when Jongwoon came home. He saw his lover sitting down on the couch, his expression lifeless as he seemingly gazed into space. Jongwoon swallowed the sudden feeling of nervousness that crept up his throat.

“I’m home,” he croaked out, his voice still feeling a bit hoarse from all the crying he did in front of Siwon earlier. He took off his coat and placed it on the hanger, all the while sending concerned glances over at Hyukjae who seemed to have been waiting for him to come home.

He sat down beside him, not too near yet not too far away, and asked, “What is it?”

Jongwoon reached out a hand to touch his lover’s face, to comfort him, but Hyukjae moved away slightly, causing Jongwoon’s eyes to well up with tears.

Hyukjae still wasn’t looking at him. He seemed to be crushing something in his hand. When Jongwoon’s gaze lowered, he saw that it was a familiar white sticky note — the same sticky note that he had attached to the fridge earlier.

Jongwoon’s heart sank. He didn’t do anything wrong, but he felt guilty somehow.

“So how was your doctor’s appointment?” Hyukjae asked in a flat tone, closing his eyes as if he were enduring some sort of pain. “What did Dr. Choi say to you?”

“I just went to ask if I… if I could change my pills since I couldn’t handle their bitter taste in my mouth,” Jongwoon lied, shame filling his gut. “After that, Dr. Choi treated me to a late lunch…”

Hyukjae opened his eyes slowly, still having that unreadable expression on his face. “I see,” he said lifelessly. “I hope you had a great time…”

“Hyukkie, what’s wrong…?” Jongwoon had to ask. “You haven’t been looking at me the entire time we’ve been talking. If there’s anything—”

“I saw you, you know,” Hyukjae interjected quietly.

Jongwoon’s eyes widened. “What…?”

“I saw you at that café earlier,” Hyukjae repeated, this time more clearly. He didn’t elaborate on it further though, something which allowed Jongwoon to explain his side.

“I met Dr. Choi at the hospital first,” Jongwoon clarified quickly, watching as Hyukjae nodded slowly at his words. “I… I asked him to change my pills to something much stronger because the pain was sometimes too much for me… and after that he suggested we eat at a café so I could fill my stomach with something before I took my pills.” Everything was a half-truth so far.

Hyukjae’s gaze seemed cloudy as he slightly turned his head to face Jongwoon. “And…?”

It was at that point that Jongwoon understood. It wasn’t the fact that he and Siwon went out to eat together that made Hyukjae ask for his explanation, but rather the truth as to why Jongwoon was crying.

“...” Jongwoon opened his lips to say something, anything at all, but the words wouldn’t come out of his mouth. He didn’t know what to say or how he should explain what Hyukjae saw. He couldn’t possibly tell the truth now—

Jongwoon was startled out of his troubled thoughts when Hyukjae suddenly spoke up.

“...Did you decide to leave me?” Hyukjae said quietly, but Jongwoon could clearly hear the pain in his voice. “Do you find it difficult being with me now that you had to cry like that in front of Siwon earlier? Am I not enough for you anymore, hyung?” Hyukjae’s tears fell down to his chin and Jongwoon felt devastated by the sight. Hyukjae rarely ever cried, especially in front of him.

And it was all because of his mistake.

“You never confide in me that much anymore,” Hyukjae continued on, sniffling. “Do… Do you still love me? If not, you can tell me. Tell me, and I’ll disappear if — if you want me to. I’ll—”

Jongwoon reached for him desperately, locking Hyukjae in his arms. He didn’t let go, not even when the younger squirmed and thrashed in his arms. Jongwoon shut his eyes, feeling like he was being stabbed by a thousand needles. The pain in his head and neck was coming back again, killing him on the inside, but he endured it.

“I love you, I still love you, you’re the last person I will ever love like this, and no, I would never leave you and I don’t want you to disappear!” Jongwoon assured in a broken voice, his breathing short and rapid as he tried to get all the words out at once. “How could — how could you say that to me after all we went through together?! Don’t say things like that again… please.. please, Hyukjae…”

The two of them stayed like that for a long time, crying in each other’s arms. Hyukjae was sobbing apologies on Jongwoon’s chest while Jongwoon murmured soothing words to the younger, his eyes puffy from all the tears he shed.

Deep inside, Jongwoon was starting to get strained by the burden he was carrying. He felt like he was fooling Hyukjae all the time and the guilt was constantly sending a dull, aching pain to his chest.

“Are you sure he won’t hate you then?”

Siwon’s words came back to haunt him and Jongwoon sighed heavily, pulling Hyukjae closer to him until there was no space left in between their bodies.

“I’m sorry, hyung…” Hyukjae mumbled, his voice muffled into Jongwoon’s clothing. “I’m sorry… please don’t leave me…”

“I won’t… I won’t… I—I promise.”

At that moment, a traitorous voice inside Jongwoon echoed its words in his mind.

Don’t make empty promises you can’t keep.

 

 

XIV.

 

Sometimes, Jongwoon thought about the stars in the night sky. He could remember his mother tucking him in bed in the past, telling him a tale of souls becoming stars when they die. Jongwoon believed that story as a child and always prayed for the souls in the sky, looking up at them with sadness and admiration. Stars were beautiful, so people’s souls must be, too.

Even though the story’s charm and realism were lost when he grew up, Jongwoon wondered sometimes, at late nights with the clock ticking at his nightstand, that if he or Hyukjae died someday, would they become stars, too?

For the past few days, he and Hyukjae had been doing well. Hyukjae wasn’t really the type to wear his heart on his sleeve and he could manage his emotions well. Whenever Jongwoon was angry, Hyukjae would wait patiently until the older cooled off, and then they’d talk about it later on. When Hyukjae was angry, Jongwoon would handle all his outbursts, and after a short period of time, not even lasting two weeks, they’d be okay again. Either Jongwoon was the one who’d make the first move or Hyukjae initiated it first. Both of them knew when to lower their pride whenever it was needed.

Jongwoon sighed quietly, turning to his side to face his lover as the latter slept. Hyukjae looked ethereal as he slept, almost like a porcelain doll that Jongwoon wanted to keep with him forever.

But eternity didn’t exist, and death was hanging over their heads like a gray cloud. Jongwoon could only watch without making a sound, afraid of interrupting Hyukjae’s peaceful slumber. Although it hurt him, Jongwoon took that opportunity to memorize the features of his lover’s face, committing it to his memory. He would never forget that face even until he died.

“I love you,” Jongwoon whispered, shedding a single tear as he restrained his sobs, not wanting Hyukjae to stir in his sleep.

Beside their bed, on the nightstand, their clock was still ticking.

 

 

XV.

 

One day, Hyukjae came home with a huge smile on his face.

“Jongwoon-hyung!” he called out.

Hearing the call from his position in the living room, Jongwoon stood up and looked at the younger curiously.

Hyukjae strode over to him excitedly, showing two coupons in his hand. “My boss gave me these vouchers for a free overnight stay at that famous resort by the beach!”

“Really?!” Jongwoon said with a grin. Hyukjae’s enthusiasm was contagious. “OK then, when do you want to go?”

Hyukjae cast him a suspicious look. “Are you going because I want to go or are you going because you really do want to go?” he interrogated.

Jongwoon was so startled by the unexpected question that he broke into a laugh. “Both, OK?” he replied, ruffling the younger’s hair affectionately. “Happy now?”

Hyukjae swatted his hand away with a grin. “OK, I’ll accept that kind of response. Now go get ready!” he commanded.

Jongwoon blinked. “Wait, now?”

“Of course I mean now,” Hyukjae said, looking at his lover as if the latter were an idiot for not understanding. “We can’t waste time here so chop, chop!!”

Jongwoon raised his hands in surrender. “Whoa, whoa, hold on a second!” he exclaimed with a nervous laugh. “You want us to go now, at five in the afternoon? By the time we get there, it’ll be evening already!”

“But this is our only chance to go!” Hyukjae whined. “I can’t go on weekends since my boss asked me to work overtime and my only day-off is tomorrow!”

Jongwoon pondered over it for a moment. He did have a day-off tomorrow as well, but he was free on the weekends. However, if Hyukjae wasn’t available, then this really was the only opportunity they could get.

Finally, Jongwoon nodded. “Alright, I’ll go pack my bags,” he decided.

Hyukjae threw himself at him, hugging Jongwoon excitedly. “Thank you, hyung! Thank you!”

Jongwoon chuckled. “I get it, I get it. You’re excited already. Let’s pack our clothes first and talk about our plans on the way.”

Hyukjae nodded enthusiastically. “Call!”

---

●◉◎◈◎◉●

---

When they arrived at the resort, they had a great time together. Even though it was evening by the time they arrived, Hyukjae dragged Jongwoon towards the amusement park nearby, going on thrilling rides and screaming at the top of his lungs. Jongwoon was already regretting all his life decisions the moment he agreed to Hyukjae’s whims, but went along with his boyfriend anyway, his high notes almost beating a professional opera singer.

When they were finished having fun at the amusement park, they went for a walk by the beach. Hyukjae laughed at something that Jongwoon said, and the latter took that opportunity to pull out his phone. He first let the back camera face them and then took a picture of them together with a blinding flash.

“What the — hey!” Hyukjae said, squinting his eyes. “Hyung, that was too bright—!”

When the dazzle faded, Hukjae blinked when Jongwoon suddenly knelt in front of him, his head raised to look at him in the eyes. Hyukjae could hear the gentle lapping of the waves beside them, could feel the chilly night breeze swaying their clothes, could clearly see the love and affection in Jongwoon’s eyes that made his throat constrict and his heart palpitate like crazy. When Jongwoon smiled at him, Hyukjae’s lips parted in surprise and awe at the stunning sight.

Jongwoon slowly took Hyukjae’s hand in his, caressing it gently. Hyukjae gulped, a warm sensation filling his chest.

“We’ve been together for eight years already,” Jongwoon began, never breaking eye-contact with his lover. “We’ve been through ups and downs in life, we’ve loved each other ever since we were still students and we continued to fall in love even more until now. You’ve been my only anchor all these years and you always listened to me even though you often pretended that you didn’t.” Jongwoon chuckled at that.

“I’ve been your safe place ever since and I’ve always been there for you whenever things got rough,” Jongwoon continued on softly. “I can still remember back in college when you came to my house in the middle of the night, crying because your parents were getting divorced. My parents let you stay over and cooked you a warm dinner while I stayed by your side until you fell asleep in my arms. That was the very first time I saw you cry and I never wanted to see it again.

“Do you know why I began to fall in love with you when we were two weeks in our relationship at that time? At first, I was scared of you because you were so forward, so confident, and so affectionate. Back then, I was just an average guy who dated only one girl in the past and got cheated on. I had no idea what I was supposed to do or feel while dating a guy. It was a completely new territory for me and I was hesitant about it all, but you slowly chased away those fears and made me accept you. You never really pushed me into doing things I didn’t want to do; you always asked what I felt, always waited for my consent. I was grateful for it all, and most of all I was just grateful that it was you who was my first.

“After that, I was crazy about you,” Jongwoon continued on with a chuckle. “You changed my life and I’ve never regretted even one second being with you and that’s never going to change. I love you, Lee Hyukjae, so…”

Jongwoon took out a familiar small box from his pocket and opened it, revealing a silver ring with a studded diamond at the center.

“Will you marry me?”

There was a brief moment of silence before Hyukjae nodded, too choked up to say anything. Jongwoon stood up and slipped the ring into his lover’s finger, feeling the happiness burst in his chest. Hyukjae threw himself at him at that moment and Jongwoon caught him in his arms, laughing softly as Hyukjae sobbed into his shoulder.

“Wh—When I said I w—wanted to get married by the sea,” Hyukjae stammered, “I never imagined you’d p—propose to me here, too…”

“I told you that we’ll be together until we get sick of each other,” Jongwoon said soothingly, rubbing circles on the younger’s back comfortingly.

“When did you buy that ring a—anyway?” Hyukjae choked out. “We just went here last minute, so how—”

Jongwoon chuckled. “Silly.” He pulled back and stared his lover in the eyes with a gentle smile. “A few months ago, actually,” he revealed, giddy at the surprised look on Hyukjae’s face. “I’ve been trying to find the perfect opportunity… and I’ve always wanted to marry you, so…”

Jongwoon’s voice trailed off as Hyukjae wrapped him in an emotional embrace, the younger shedding tears on his shoulder. Jongwoon was glad; he was so glad to see Hyukjae so happy.

Don’t make any empty promises I can’t keep, huh? Jongwoon thought to himself as he enjoyed his moment with his now-fiancé. Well, I’m keeping this one. Forever.

No matter what happens, my love will always be with him.

 

 

XVI.

 

They went back to their room after that. None of them felt sleepy due to the earlier excitement, so both of them resorted to a long late-night talk, telling each other funny stories about their classmates back in college. Jongwoon recounted the time when Hyukjae threw his banana peel at the direction of the trash can but failed. However, just when Hyukjae scrambled to pick it up, Heechul chose that moment to walk by, and with a startled shriek, the older man slipped on the banana peel and fell on his face, causing the surroundings to go silent for a very brief moment before all them began cackling in laughter.

Hyukjae could also remember how Heechul, a stranger at that time, gave him a death glare so bad that Hyukjae had almost felt real daggers piercing his body.

“It’s so funny that he became one of my co-workers in the company,” Hyukjae said, chortling at the memory. “When he recognized me, he got so mad at first, but after a few drinks we became good buddies.”

They talked like that for hours, enjoying this moment that they were spending together. When Jongwoon glanced at the clock on his phone, he saw that it was nearing five in the morning already.

“Do you wanna go watch the sunrise?” Jongwoon asked his lover who was starting to look a bit sleepy.

Hyukjae nodded, however. “Sure! We can sleep afterwards,” he responded, getting out of the bed and stretching his arms.

---

●◉◎◈◎◉●

---

They got out of the resort and made themselves comfortable on one of the benches by the seaside that overlooked the horizon. The two of them talked a bit for a while before Hyukjae suddenly rubbed his eyes.

“Hyung, I’m sleepy,” Hyukjae said, yawning as he placed his head on Jongwoon’s lap. Jongwoon allowed him, gently threading his fingers through his lover’s hair. Hyukjae always had such soft strands, and Jongwoon always liked to touch them.

“Take a nap, then,” Jongwoon said softly, looking up at the sunrise peeking out from the horizon. The sky was slowly brightening, the waters from the sea calming and sparkling under the sunlight. “I’ll be here to wake you up when it gets too hot to be here outside.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Hyukjae said gratefully, snuggling closer to his lover and wrapping his arms around his waist.

They stayed like that for a few moments, Jongwoon enjoying the chilly sea breeze and Hyukjae smiling softly as he relished the warmth Jongwoon gave him.

“Hyung, I’ve never told you this, right?” Hyukjae began quietly, the smile on his face growing. “I always made fun of you and teased you a lot whenever you told this to me and I never said it back. I’m actually… well, just embarrassed… it’s the first time I ever felt this way with someone, after all.”

Jongwoon looked down at him, and he found Hyukjae staring back, the younger’s eyes conveying a deep kind of emotion that made butterflies stir in his stomach.

“Oh… well, it’s no problem…” Jongwoon responded slowly, understanding what the younger was talking about. “You can say it whenever you like. I don’t mind. I already feel how much you care for me.” Jongwoon smiled, and Hyukjae smiled back.

Hyukjae’s always beautiful whenever he smiles, Jongwoon thought to himself fondly.

“Why are you suddenly being sentimental like this, though?” Jongwoon asked with a low chuckle. “Usually you’d just tease me a lot and tell me that I’m sensitive enough for the both of us. What brought on this sort of change?”

“Hmm? I don’t know…” Hyukjae yawned again, his eyelids starting to droop. “I just feel like saying these things to you… as your new fiancé, hehe.”

Jongwoon’s heart leaped in his chest. He was so happy, tears were welling up in his eyes. But he wasn’t going to let them fall. He didn’t want to show Hyukjae that he was crying right now, not when the younger was suddenly acting like this.

“I know about it, you know,” Hyukjae said quietly, absently playing with the material of Jongwoon’s shirt.

“Know what?” Jongwoon asked, continuing to play with his boyfriend’s hair.

“What you’ve always been trying to hide from me.”

Jongwoon’s heart stopped. He lowered his gaze towards his boyfriend, but Hyukjae wasn’t looking at him anymore.

“You… you know…?” Jongwoon choked out.

Hyukjae smiled. “Yeah… I do.” He moved his head slightly, but didn’t raise it enough to look up at Jongwoon’s face. “I understand why you never told me, though... It must’ve been really painful for you… I could see it in your eyes sometimes.” Jongwoon couldn’t see it from the angle he was looking, but Hyukjae was smiling sadly. “So I kept my awareness a secret from you, too. I’m sorry…”

Jongwoon didn’t know what to say. He felt the guilt pooling in his stomach, almost choking him. He sniffed, letting a stray tear fall from his eye. His nose was already burning and felt clogged. He wanted to cry so much but he needed to be strong. He couldn’t break down in front of Hyukjae.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae said softly, “are you crying?”

Jongwoon shut his eyes, trying hard not to let his emotions take over. “No,” he replied with a somewhat steady voice. “No, Hyukjae-ya. I—I’m fine.”

Hyukjae grinned, lifting his hand to rub the tiredness in his eyes as he yawned. “I’ll always be here for you, I’ll never really leave you, so… we’ll stay happy together, OK?”

Jongwoon nodded slowly, wiping the tears that threatened to fall from his chin. “Okay… I understand. Th—Thank you, Hyukjae-ya,” he managed to choke out. “I’m… I’m so lucky… to have someone like you in my life.”

“And I’m lucky to have you, too,” Hyukjae responded, a bright grin spreading on his face. “I love you, Jongwoon-ah…”

A tear escaped Jongwoon’s left eye and he nodded fervently, overcome with emotion. “Yeah… I love you too, Hyukjae-ya…” he whispered, just loud enough for the younger to hear.

“Mmhmm… let’s get married by the sea someday, okay…” Hyukjae murmured, snuggling close to his boyfriend.

Jongwoon laughed, squeezing Hyukjae’s shoulder in response. “Of course. Anything for you…”

Later on, when the sun rose brilliantly in the sky, Jongwoon opened his eyes, feeling his lover still unconscious in his arms. He gently nudged Hyukjae, telling him to wake up since it was already getting too sunny for them to be staying here.

“Hyukjae-ya? Wake up… come on, sweetheart…”

Jongwoon’s heart was still as he placed a finger near Hyukjae’s nose. He was still frozen even as he realized that Hyukjae’s stomach wasn’t even moving the slightest bit to breathe.

Jongwoon bit his lip and let the tears fall from his eyes, his agony pulsating in his chest, sending a burning sensation in his throat. His eyes stung so much and he could barely manage a hiccup. He didn’t want to look, but he knew that it was only inevitable.

“I—I knew you were going to leave me one day…” Jongwoon cried out in pain. “But did you really have to be cruel enough to do it today…?” he whimpered. “I—Is that why you finally told me you loved me?”

His arms trembling, Jongwoon scooped his lover in his arms and placed him in a sitting position on his lap. Hyukjae’s head lifelessly dropped to his shoulder and he choked back a painful sob. The heavy feeling of loss was weighing on Jongwoon's chest as he desperately embraced the younger, his skin far too warm against Hyukjae’s.

“You always knew… god… oh, god…” Jongwoon sobbed, rubbing a hand against the back of Hyukjae’s head, feeling the soft strands he always loved to touch. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

 

 

XVII.

 

“The treatments aren’t working… I’m so sorry. I can’t guarantee… that Hyukjae’s lifespan has extended because of the medication, but it has certainly made a bit of a difference. He mentioned that he’s been sleeping better ever since he took them and that he no longer reacts to every small sound he hears while he sleeps. That’s the only benefit we can give him during this time, to lessen the probability of…” Siwon almost bit his tongue before he could say the word ‘death’. Jongwoon was already looking paler and paler by the minute the longer his explanation became.

Siwon sighed, then decided to be more straightforward for the sake of his friend. “When he falls asleep and he won’t wake up, that’s when…” He bit his lip, unable to look at the painfully devastated expression on his friend’s face. “People with this condition are light sleepers… if you can’t wake them with a nudge, and if they stop breathing while unconscious… I’m sorry, but if it comes to that, there’s nothing you can do—”

“I really can’t do anything at all?” Jongwoon spoke up quietly, desperately. “Then what can I do?”

“You can just continue living with him,” Siwon said softly. “Tell him the truth, and—”

Jongwoon shook his head vehemently. “No, no, I can’t,” he refused. “That would crush him. He has so many dreams he wants to achieve, I can’t just… t—tell him that he has an incurable heart disease that can take him away anytime he sleeps. He won’t be able to — to…” Jongwoon exhaled harshly when he couldn’t find it in himself to finish his sentence. He could already feel his lips trembling and his eyes stinging slightly, warning him of incoming tears.

Siwon gave him a sympathetic look as he steeled himself to stay professional. “It’s not going to happen now or later since it’s still in the early stages, but I estimate… about two months judging from the progression,” he told the older, hoping that it would at least prepare him for what was about to come. “This disease is painless, so one might feel that they’re not sick, but it can also take you away anytime.”

Jongwoon couldn’t say anything by that point. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, endless tears streaming down his face. It was unfair, so very unfair. How could a disease be miraculously painless yet so unpredictable at the same time? It was like a nightmare.

And Jongwoon hated nightmares.

Siwon watched his friend break down on the outside, his own eyes getting misty as he remembered Hyukjae’s trademark gummy smile and the memories of the younger always telling him to take care of Jongwoon.

So young, so kind, and so unlucky at the same time.

“I’m very sorry, Jongwoon-hyung…” Siwon muttered, having no other words left to bring comfort to his friend. “If you won’t tell him the truth, then at least spend all of your time with him. Like they say, life is too short for regrets, right?”

Siwon managed a sad smile.

“It’s not yet too late, so... so remember… to make yourselves happy every day from now on.”