Monday, 17th 2018.

Today, I felt really nervous and anxious. My body trembled in fear and my head throbbed with worries and pain. How could this happen? I hated it whenever this happens. I want to always stay calm in any kind of situation. Why the can't I do it? It's so frustrating.

People react differently to different things and different people. Maybe that's the reason of my panic because I don't know how people in America would react to what we're doing. What do they think? Do they think we're just lucky to be here and that in truth we're never a significant thing in American music industry? Are they only interested because they want to find out how long this group of Asians can survive the wave of American music industry? Are they doing comparrison? Are they trying to compete us against them? What do they want?

The interviewers today asked normal questions, but what about tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow? This is ridiculous, I'm scaring myself. I should stop.

Today the members acted pretty weirdly if I may say. It seemed they were angry at me? Or maybe disappointed at me? But why? Did I do anything wrong. I was quiet in most of the interviews. I only talked when I was talked to, only responsed when needed. I didn't act silly and didn't goof around. I took everything seriously by staying out of the way. I was a good boy, why were they mad at me?

Yoongi hyung was especially mad at me I could sense it. His eyes were looking at anywhere but my eyes. He gulped down the can of beer fast and just left because he got nothing to say to someone like me. I knew he suspected that I keep secrets from him, from the boys. But, but, doesn't everyone have secrets? Oh! Is that why everyone is disappointed at me because I don't share secrets? But why should they know? Why do they want to know everything about me and my head. I am a mess, my head is even more. Why do they want to know?

! I hate myself. This is crazy, I am crazy. I even walked out in the middle of the night to write this diary in the living room because I have so many thoughts in my head that I have to pour it out or I'll go crazy.

Okay you know what that's it. I'm going back to bed. As usual, taetae is checking out. purple heartzzz.

***

'What was Taehyung thinking? How could he come up with all these ridiculous ideas? He even cursed which he does not normally do in real life. And the amount of negativity inside?' Namjoon is saddened by this new fact he has found out about Taehyung. He blames himself for not knowing and understanding the thoughts of his band members as a leader. He thought Taehyung has changed for the better, but he was wrong. Taehyung has changed, but not entirely for the better.

Jin walks into the living room with a cup of coffee and Namjoon quickly hides the diary under the book he was reading a couple  hours ago.

"Hey," Jin greets him. "What're you doing?"

"Nothing man, just reading a book and enjoying a cup of coffee."

"Do you mind if I turn on the TV?"

"No hyung, just turn it on, I'm tired of reading anyway."

Jin turns on the tv and sits right next to Namjoon. Although Namjoon's eyes are on the TV but his mind is still thinking about the diary. He is thinking about how to confront Taehyung about this. How can he ask Taehyung about this and how can he tell him the fact that he read his personal and most private book? While he is thinking about it, Taehyung rushes into the living room. His face is filled with panic as he searches for something.

"Hyung, did you see my book?" asks Taehyung. He tries his best to stay calm. He does not want to give impression to other members that the book is important or contains some kinds of secret.

"What book?" askes Jin who is clueless.

Taehyung glances at the small table next to the sofa, he sees two books stacking on top of each other. He approaches it and picks them up to check whether his book (diary) is there. And there it is.

"Whose book is this?" asks Taehyung, reffering to another book that was stacked on top of his.

"Mine," says Namjoon.

"Did you know this other book is mine?" asks Taehyung.

"Yeah, I know. Your name is on it."

"Did you open it? Did you read this?" Taehyung's voice trembles a bit as he asks the question. He is hoping Namjoon did not read it. Did not read this book of nonsense.

"No, I didn't"

It is a lie. He has lied. This is the first time he feels so bad. He lied before, he did, but those lies are different. Those lies were like white lies, not a painful one. Namjoon did not know what to do when he saw the panic in Taehyung's face, that's why he lied.

"Oh, okay." The relief is obvious. He tries so hard to hide it but it is there. Even Jin could see it. He gets suspicious now over that book.

"What book is that Tae?" he asks.

"It's my diary hyung. It's nothing really. You won't want to read it," Taehyung says as he walks of to his bedroom to keep it.

Jin knows Namjoon well. Jin is closest to Namjoon in BTS. Jin knows he lied. He knows Namjoon read that book, that diary. Both are now looking at each other with a knowing look and Namjoon can feel the embarrassment rising from inside his gut.

"I just want to understand him more."

It comes out as a whisper, as an uncertainty. He sounds so fragile and sad. Jin understands his intention but there is nothing he can do about the guilt. The only thing he can do is giving him a hug and a pat on the back.

***

Yoongi was walking to the kitchen when he bumped into Taehyung. Now, he's rubbing his forehead sleepily. "Watch where you're going tae."

"Sorry hyung."

Yoongi looks up to Taehyung's expression and what he saw concerns him. Taehyung looks so scared and shocked, as if he has seen ghost and run away from it. Yeah, ran away, because Taehyung's breath is so uneven. 

"Hey, you ok?" he asks.

"Of course hyung, just sleepy."

"You've been sleeping all morning and you said you're sleepy?"

"No hyung, it's just, I couldn't sleep last night. I had a nightmare," Taehyung lied about having a nightmare, but he does not really care about it right now.

"What's the nightmare about?"

"Nothing serious hyung, you don't have to worry about it." Taehyung quickly says as he walks past Yoongi.

Yoongi let out a sigh, 'he's hiding something from all of us again,' he thinks as he approaches the living room.

Namjoon has told Jin everything he read on Taehyung's diary. Jin, is of course, very shock and confused. If this is Yoongi or Jimin's diary, he thinks he could understand. But this diary belongs to Taehyung, so he does not completely understand. He remembered meeting Taehyung for the first time and thinking he was very weird. 'A little kid who talks to himself' was Taehyung's nickname. He regarded Taehyung as an outer-spacer, alien, whatever it is that is far from human, because Taehyung is that unique and special. To think that he actually has these kind of thoughts, surprises him.

"I don't know what to say," Jin says looking confused.

"I understand," Namjoon is not even looking at Jin because he is busy thinking it through.

Yoongi arrives and Namjoon tells him the story all over again.

"I told you he's been hiding something from us."

"Yeah, but we shouldn't be forcing him to say anything he does not want to say Yoongi hyung. He needs time."

"How much longer does he need Joon-ah. We're one of his closest people. Second to his family. Damn, we're already a family. So how much longer does a family need to wait?"

"As long as possible hyung, because we're family," Namjoon walks out from that living room, leaving Yoongi and Jin behind to carry the conversation.

There is no room for failure. No room for a weakness to slip out. Taehyung has been living his life with that motto, so it is no wonder that he ends up not openning himself much.

"I really don't like this," he mumbles. Taehyung is now sitting in the dinning room alone, while some of the members are in the living room and some are still sleeping.

"I hate this! I should've kept my diary why the hell did I put it in the living room!? Namjoon hyung lied to me, I know he did. His eyes were shaky and they weren't even looking at me! I know he would think I'm weird and creeped out! Which page did he read? Which page!?" As Taehyung speaks, his voice is getting louder and louder. It is getting incomprehensible. His breathing becomes unsteady and he feels light headed.

A memory flashed by and it frightens him. The voices that were once forgotten are all coming back to him as he tries to breathe properly.

"What's this? Aren't you disgusted?"

"Hey alien! Look up here!"

"This is not death, this is just coming back home."

"You're so noisy and unpredictable. Maybe people are right, you're a trash!"

All of a sudden he recalled the faces of everyone who has hurt him. The teachers, the classmates and the friends around him. How could they hate him? Why couldn't he satisfy them?

"V hyung..."

Only one person that calls V a hyung (an older brother) and that is Jeon Jungkook. "Are you okay hyung?"

"Of course I'm okay kookie, you worry too much."

***

"Hyung, what's wrong with V hyung?" Jungkook asks as he sits down in the living room along with other members. By now, everyone has gathered in the living room except Taehyung.

"What do you mean?" asks Jimin who knows nothing at all.

"He's sitting in the dinning table biting his nails and shaking his legs."

"I bumped into him a moment ago, he was in panic. He looked like he was in panic."

"Really yong? Yeah, this kid, Kim Namjoon read his diary, but he lied to Taehyung and said he didn't read the book," says Jin explaining the situation.

"What's in the diary that makes him go panic?" asks Jimin.

Namjoon starts explaining the content of the  the recent page of that diary. He talks about Taehyung's insecurities and all of his thoughts. After the explanation, the members are left with more confusion and worries.

"Enough is enough, we need to talk to him more. Get him to open up to us! The most important thing we should keep as a group is understanding. Without understanding, we can soon collapse. Not to say that I actually love Taehyung too much not to care!" Namjoon expresses his disappointments and frustration about this entire situation. Taehyung is Namjoon's soft spot, he always takes care of him secretly and it hurts knowing the fact that Taehyung hides so much from him.

The members agreed and they continue their discusion on how to get their second maknae (youngest) to open up. Unbeknownst to them, the said person, is having an entire breakdown in the dinning room. Taehyung is in a complete basket case.