♡

 

“Hyung, I said I’m sorry!” Yugyeom yells as Jinyoung wrestles him from the bed to the floor. “How was I supposed to know you didn’t want them to be sent?! Who writes a letter which was...addressed...and...stamped...to...NOT...be...mailed!” He defends trying to make out his words as Jinyoung’s chokehold tightens around his throat.

 

“I’m gonna kill you Kim Yugyeom! Auntie can’t do anything about this!” Jinyoung yells back as Yugyeom struggles to get out of his grasp. 

 

“Bam...bam! Help me!” The younger calls out to his best friend who was witnessing everything in the room.

 

Examining the scene a few more seconds the Thai replies back. “I don’t think so. I don’t wanna face Jinyoung hyung’s wrath.”

 

“Traitor!”

 

“Jinyoung hyung, I think you might actually kill him.” Youngjae, who was Jinyoung’s hoobae at work and close friend, says with concern laced in his voice.

 

After finding out about the letters being sent out Jinyoung called in sick suddenly to work. Apparently, it was convincing as his supervisor quickly dismissed him for the rest of the day. Youngjae had messaged him when he found out he suddenly fell ill during lunch break. He filled him in on what had happened as he waited for Yugyeom to return home from school. He knew his cousin was the only one who could have done it and he was right.

 

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to do here Youngjae!”

 

“Violence isn’t the answer hyung.”

 

“Hell yeah, it is.” Bambam comments as Yugyeom glares at his best friend.

 

“You’re not helping the situation,” Youngjae warns the Thai who shrugs his shoulder. “What’s done is done hyung. Now we just need to figure out what to do next.”

 

“I already figured out what I need to do. Kill Yugyeom and then move to another country where no one can find me.” Jinyoung replies back as Youngjae pries him off Yugyeom. Yugyeom scrambles out of his cousin’s hold as he gasps for air. Tired and feeling deflated his shoulder sags as he sighs. “My life is over Youngjae. My life is completely over.”

 

“Your life is not completely over.”

 

“Yes, it is. My best friend keeps calling me every five minutes trying to get a hold of me. I don’t even know how to explain my letter to him.” Covering his face with his hands he groans. “Our friendship is going to be awkward after this.” 

 

Youngjae gives his shoulder a squeeze, “I’m sure it won’t be that awkward. I mean, do you still like him?”

 

“No, that was seven years ago!” Jinyoung groans in his hands again, “I had a crush on him when I was sixteen!”

 

“Then it shouldn’t be a problem.”

 

Looking up from his hands Jinyoung peers up at his dongsaeng, “Youngjae, you don’t get it. He was never supposed to find out about my feelings for him. Until this brat ruined it!” He glares at Yugyeom who was across the room.

 

“Hey, hey, try to calm down hyung.” Youngjae hushes trying to calm an angry Jinyoung down. “If you don’t mind me asking. How many letters were there?”

 

Not seeing the point of hiding anything anymore since the letters were already out, Jinyoung lets out a defeated sigh. ”I wrote three letters.” He noticed Youngjae sat down on the floor beside him as Yugyeom sat across the room beside Bambam listening quietly. “These letters were words left unsaid to the ones I had ever loved. When I want to put a crush or a relationship behind me I write them a letter that is signed, addressed, and stamped. But never to be sent.”

 

“Well, that’s stupid.” Yugyeom comments under his breath.

 

“Says the idiot who sent the letters without asking first.” Jinyoung says seething under his breath.

 

“I thought you forgot to mail them and was doing you a favor!” Yugyeom defends as Youngjae quiet the both of them down.

 

“So...who were those letters to?” Bambam asks intrigued by the story.

 

“Why do you care Bambam?” Jinyoung asks, everyone who was close enough to Jinyoung knew he was homoual so it didn’t come as a surprise if the letters he wrote were to males. 

 

“Well, I don’t really. But this story you're telling is fascinating. I have to know more.”

 

“If you don’t mind Jinyoung hyung, it is pretty interesting.” Youngjae adds giving a sheepish smile. Jinyoung sighs shaking his head just as he thought earlier, he didn’t see the point in hiding it from these three anyways since they know what happened already.

 

Clearing his throat he begins, “The first letter I wrote to was to my best friend, Im Jaebeom. You can say he was my first crush.” Memories of seven years ago resurface so easily into his mind as if it was just yesterday.

 

Jinyoung stares up at his bedroom ceiling with his hands over his heart. He was trying to calm down his pounding heart. At the age of fourteen, he figured out he wasn’t interested in the opposite . When he turned fifteen he came out to his parents and confessed to his childhood best friend that he was attracted to men. Instead of his best friend disregarding him completely liked his parents, his best friend supported him with open arms. And now, at the age of sixteen, he realized he has a crush on his best friend.

 

‘How could I let this happen?’ Jinyoung asks himself this over and over again. He knew he shouldn’t fall in love with his best friend when he was the only one who truly supported him. His parents pretended to ignore that his confession of his uality ever existed probably hoping it was just a phase. 

 

Jinyoung could not bear the fact of losing his best friend who kept him grounded. Their friendship will end if he ever found out. “Why him?” He whispers to himself. Perhaps he was the only male he felt safe enough to fall for. Or was it the sweet reassuring smile he always gives him? Perhaps it was his personality, he was sweet and kind especially for always feeding the stray cats? Was it his chic bad boy vibes he fell for?

 

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts it doesn’t really matter how he came to like his best friend. He just knows he needs to stop. Easier said than done though.

 

“Jinyoung, are you even listening to what I am saying?” A hand wave in front of Jinyoung’s face snapping him from his daydream. He found himself admiring his best friend’s face as he talked. The two of them decided to hang out at the dessert shop near their school after school as always. 

 

“Yeah, I was listening,” Jinyoung answers as Jaebeom gives him the look that says he doesn’t buy it but doesn’t point it out.

 

“Anyways, so mom finally decided to let me keep the stray cat near our apartment building. Can you believe it? I finally got myself a cat.” Jaebeom explains excitedly as he takes a sip of his coke afterward. 

 

Ignoring his quickened heartbeats he swallows down his feelings, “Pretty sure a few years from now you’ll have more than four cats.” Jinyoung jokes earning a playful shove to his shoulder.

 

“Shut up you twerp,” Jaebeom replies back with a grin spreading across his face making Jinyoung do the same. “Hey, did you see the way Ae-young looked at me today? I think she likes me.”

 

Jinyoung can feel his smile quickly dropping. In an attempt to hide his change of demeanor he looks down at his drink to take a sip. He knew Jaebeom could never like him back, but hearing someone you like to talk about someone else still stung.

 

“Anyways, I’m planning to ask her out sometime this week once I gather my confidence. You’ll help me when I ask her outright?” Jinyoung looks up to find his best friend staring at him pleadingly. How could he not? It’s not like he ever stood a chance and their friendship was precious to him.

 

With a weak smile, he says, “Of course.”

 

That night, as usual, his parents asked about his day at school and avoiding the talks of boys. After dinner, he went up to his room to do homework. Halfway through answering math questions, Jinyoung stopped. Finding some lettering paper and envelope inside his parent’s room he sat back down in his desk. He was going to write a letter to Jaebeom explaining exactly how he feels about him. After that, this letter was going to be put away along with his feelings for his best friend. Letting out a sigh he picks up his pen to begin writing.

 

Dear Jaebeom…

 

“Wait, so you just gave up your feelings for your best friend just like that?” Bambam cuts in on Jinyoung’s story. 

 

The older rolls his eyes as he crossed his arms over his chest to explain. “Obviously no, it took a while but writing the letter helped with the process.” 

 

“This is so sad.” A sad-looking Youngjae comments beside Jinyoung.

 

“Yah, I don’t need pity! Besides, it was ages ago. I only see him as a best friend now.” 

 

“Then just tell Jaebeom hyung that.” Yugyeom suggests as Jinyoung’s phone vibrate for the hundredth time that night. It was probably Jaebeom messaging Jinyoung to pick up the phone.

 

“My worst fear was our friendship changing and for him to look at me differently. I-I can’t face him yet. I don’t want to see that look on his face like how my parents look at me.” He confesses hugging himself of his insecurity. After high school, he moved out into the dorms for college. His relationship with his parents was distant ever since he came out. Till this day his parents never fully accepted who he was, although he noticed his mother was trying to understand him more lately. His aunt fully welcomed him with open arms to live with her husband, Yugyeom, and her after college. He knows his aunt fills in how he’s doing to his mother now and then.

 

Youngjae wraps his arms around him to give him a hug, “It’s okay Jinyoung hyung, we’re all here for you.”

 

“Thanks, Youngjae,” Jinyoung mutters patting the younger on the arm to let him know he appreciates it.

 

“I’m sorry for putting this mess on you Jinyoung hyung. I really didn't mean for this to happen.” Yugyeom apologizes as he rubs the nape of his neck.

 

“I forgive you Yugyeom. I know you meant no harm.” He gives a smile to his younger cousin who returns a small smile back.

 

“I’m glad you guys worked it out in the end. But I must know who were the other two letters for?” Turning to glare at Bambam the Thai could only look back at him eagerly. The boy was completely intrigued with his love life.

 

“Bambam shut up. That’s so impolite.” Yugyeom scowls his best friend hitting him on the stomach.

 

“I’m sorry, that’s very rude of me.” Just as Jinyoung was about to accept his apology the Thai added, “Can you tell us the rest of your story please?” Yugyeom sighs shaking his head for best friend shamelessness. Jinyoung felt the corner of his lips curving upward to a smile. He has to give the young man some respect for not being afraid to say what he wants and for being so intrigued with his love life. Just as he was about to speak his aunt knocks on the door to Yugyeom’s room.

 

“Sorry to interrupt, but Jinyoung honey, Jaebeom is waiting at the front door, he said he can’t get a hold of you and he’s been wanting to speak with you. I’ll let him know you’ll be down in a few minutes, okay?” Aunt Kim explains before disappearing from the doorway. 

 

Jinyoung feels all the blood draining from his face. “I think I’m gonna be sick.” 

 

“Okay, okay, calm down. Everything is going to be fine.” Youngjae words come out in a frazzle making it hard to believe that everything was alright. 

 

Scrambling off the floor Jinyoung goes towards the bedroom window and pries it open. It was a good thing the house was just a two-story building. He could easily climb out the window to the first-floor roof and climb down to the ground.

 

“I gotta get out of here. I just can’t face him today. Neither one of you guys say a word you hear me?” Jinyoung warns facing the three men with a stern look. All three nod their heads in agreement as they watch Jinyoung put a foot out the window and begin crawling through it. “I’ll come back in a few hours. Text me when he leaves. Bye.” Bidding a quick goodbye he has the rest of his body leave out the window. Just as he turns around to slowly walk down the roof he loses his footing sending him rolling down the roof. With a thud, he landed in the bush. Groaning he gets up shaking the leaves off of him. As he looks up to his cousin’s bedroom window three pairs of eyes were already staring at him.

 

“Jinyoung hyung are you okay?!” Youngjae whisper yells.

 

“I’m okay!” Jinyoung whisper yells back putting up a thumbs up. He was grateful it wasn’t a high fall and that the bush gave him a softer landing. Peeking around the corner of the house he sees Jaebeom waiting at the front door. He makes a mad dash to hide behind his car, it was no use to travel by car if Jaebeom was going to notice him in a flash. This meant going on foot to the nearby convenience store to hide out until the coast was clear.
 

♡

 

‘I know what you’re doing Jinyoung. Stop avoiding me.’                                             

Jaebeom 10:13

 

Jinyoung lets out a dejected sigh. That’s all he’s been really doing these last few days. He has managed to avoid Jaebeom at all costs, but for how long? He knows he should just face his best friend and talk to him. But every time he thinks of doing so the thought of just facing Jaebeom has him turning around and running. Plus, the other two letters have not returned which meant the others must have gotten his letter to. It was only a matter of time until those two show up back into his life as well. Rubbing his temples his headache is coming back again.

 

A tap on his shoulder has him swiveling around in his armchair. Youngjae looks down at him with pity. Seeing just how distressed his hoobae was breaking his heart.

 

“Jinyoung hyung, why don’t you go take an early break? I’ll take over your shift for the time being.”

 

Jinyoung didn’t even have the energy to deny the offer. Instead, with a slight nod of his head, he got up from his chair and took his jacket before leaving the building. He walks aimlessly down the street not really knowing where to go. A shiver runs down his body from the cold bite of the weather. It seems like it will be snowing any day now. His stomach rumbles announcing that it was hungry. After all, he did skip breakfast this morning. He ended up at a nearby coffee shop to get some coffee and a light snack. Taking a bite of his sandwich his eyes go to look out of the big window watching the passerby. His body begins to relax, ever since the last few days his body had been on high alert and stressed. Listening to Christmas songs playing in the overhead helped too. 

 

The vibration of his cell phone interrupted his peace. Rummaging it out of his pocket Jinyoung doesn’t recognize the caller ID. He hesitates to answer the call. Could it be one of the other two men whom he wrote the letters to? Should he pick it up? Swallowing down the last bit of food he was chewing he suddenly doesn’t feel hungry anymore. 

 

‘Okay, it’s fine. Everything is fine, just keep calm.’ He reminds himself to take in a deep breath to calm his nerves. Picking up the call he puts the device to his ear.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hello, you’re receiving this call from Mortgage Shin Hyojung. Are you interested in buying an-” Before the person can say anything further Jinyoung hits the end call and drops his phone on the table. Pinching his nose bridge he feels five years was taken off his life with just a phone call. Even though it was a scam call just the thought of receiving a phone call has him spooked.

 

‘I don’t think I can take any more of this any longer.’

 

His phone vibrates once again on the table, figuring it was the same scam call he picks it up without much thought. “What? I’m not interested in any mortgages.” 

 

“Jinyoung?”

 

The noises inside the coffee shop suddenly become muffled. Jinyoung eyes widen as his mouth hangs open in shock. Did he just hear that voice right?

 

“Jinyoung? It’s me, Jackson.”

 

‘Well, .’

 

Glancing down at his watch for the tenth time Jinyoung squirms in his seat. It was seven in the afternoon and he was sitting inside a restaurant waiting for his ex-boyfriend. Let’s rewind what happened for a moment.

 

After receiving a call from his ex-boyfriend Jinyoung was speechless. He managed to regain his voice and answer the guy. The call was awkward, he didn’t know what to say but so did his ex it seems. Instead of talking more on the phone his ex suggested to meet up over dinner and talk about the letter he received. Jinyoung was going to deny seeing him but decided against it as he realizes he’s got to face the issue somewhere. And he rather faces his ex-boyfriend first before facing his best friend. So they decided on tonight at the particular restaurant they always went to when they were together back during college.

 

Sitting there now while waiting for his said ex Jinyoung scans the room and notice a good amount of people there looked to be college students. Which made sense since this restaurant was near the college campus Jinyoung attended back then. He couldn’t help but remember his own college days.

 

Jackson Wang was a foreigner from Hong Kong who took on a scholarship for fencing in Seoul. Jinyoung had met him during his sophomore year of college in communication class. The Hong Kong native was late for the first day of class and the only seat available was beside Jinyoung. So he strode up to the empty seat and plopped himself down and turn to face Jinyoung with a charming smile.

 

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jackson Wang.” He introduced himself as he extends his hand for Jinyoung to take. The smile has Jinyoung blushing as he shook the foreigner hand in his. It was hard not to stare at him for the rest of the class period since the guy was so handsome. 

 

For some reason, Jackson decided to attach himself to Jinyoung after the class ended. Stating that Jinyoung was one of the few people he made friends with since transferring to this college. Along the way of becoming friends, they became a couple when Jackson finally asked him out and Jinyoung couldn’t be more happy to have him be his first boyfriend. 

 

Jackson was funny, a social butterfly, honest, warm, and sweet. He was the perfect boyfriend in Jinyoung’s eyes. He made his sophomore and junior years of college the best two years of his life. 

 

There break up came up naturally without any bad blood between them. They both simply grew apart and decided to remain close friends with one another. And like with every feeling he has for someone, Jinyoung wrote Jackson a heartfelt letter. They remained close until other reasons that came up had Jinyoung drifting away from him.

That was another matter to dwell in on another time.

 

Jinyoung smiles to himself remembering the college days he shared with Jackson. It felt so long ago even though it had only been a few years.

 

“Park Jinyoung,” Jackson’s excited voice says from the entrance of the restaurant. “Long time no see!” Standing up from his chair Jackson engulfs him in a tight bear hug. “I’m so happy to see you!”

 

“Jackson, I can’t breathe.” Jinyoung musters out as Jackson releases him from his grasp.

 

Jackson flashes a cheeky smile at him, “Sorry, I’m just so happy to see you.” Motioning for Jinyoung to take a seat as he did so as well. Settling down in their seats they both ordered their food before getting into the reason why they were meeting in the first place.

 

Jinyoung can feel Jackson’s gaze on him as he took a sip of his water. The awkwardness was killing him. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

 

Jackson blinks a few times, “Like what?”

 

Motioning with his hand he points at Jackson, “You’re staring at me with those sparkles in your eyes.”

 

“I’m just so happy to see you. You haven’t really changed from the last time I remember seeing you. I mean, I guess you look more mature and buffer. Have you been working out?” Covering his face in embarrassment he hears Jackson’s familiar hyena laughs. “You’re still so easily embarrassed I see, Jinyoung.” 

 

“Shut up Wang,” Jinyoung replies back but couldn’t help but smile as well.

 

“Hey what happened to our Wang Gae and Park Gae nickname? But I mean it though. It’s really nice to see you again Jinyoung. I can’t remember the reason why we drifted apart. We promised to remain, good friends, after our break up remember?” A sad smile makes its way on Jackson’s face.

 

“I know, it-it just got complicated.” A questioning look appears on Jackson’s face who was about to ask more when the food came. “Can we talk about this after we finish eating dinner? Let’s just catch up with one another for now.” Jinyoung watches as Jackson opens his mouth to say something before closing his mouth. Nodding his head in agreement Jinyoung lets out a breath he's been holding. He at least has until dinner to gather his thoughts to explain to Jackson about his letter and the reason why they drifted apart. 

 

Jackson looks the same as Jinyoung remembers him to be. Although, he was more mature and definitely more built for being a professional fencer now. His hair was the color of dark brown compared to the natural black he had back during their college days. Jinyoung found out Jackson plays for Korea’s fencing team and was happily in a relationship with someone for a year now. He was truly happy for Jackson as the Hong Kong native learned Jinyoung works for a popular journalist publishing company.

 

“That’s great! It was always your dream back in college. Glad it came true!” Jackson comments excitedly making Jinyoung smile. It felt great to finally smile after a long time. 

 

“The same goes for you too Wang Gae.” 

 

Waving the comment away Jackson leans forward from the table, “So how're your parents? Have they finally come around to accepting you for who you are?”

 

A sigh escapes Jinyoung lips as he takes a sip of red wine they both ordered during dinner, “No, you know how they are. I honestly think they never will. My mom is trying though I think.”

 

Jackson gives a sympathetic smile before changing the subject. “Okay, we’re done with dinner and I have to bring this up Jinyoung. I got your letter.” He lifts up the letter from off the table to show the younger.

 

Taking another sip of his wine Jinyoung feels relaxed and more prepared to talk about the letter. “I write a letter of words left unsaid to the ones I ever loved. When I want to put a crush or a relationship behind me I write them a letter, signed, dated, addressed, but never to be sent.” Jinyoung cannot recall the times he had recited this over the past few days. “I know we ended our relationship on good terms, but it still hurt you know? Back then I couldn’t help but wonder was there anything I could have done to help keep us closer together. So I wrote you a letter to let you know how I feel about you...about us...before I officially let go of our relationship.”

 

Jackson had remained quiet with a serious look on his face the whole time Jinyoung was explaining himself. Absorbing every word the younger has to say was one of Jackson's special traits that had Jinyoung falling for him back then. He made you feel important as he actually hung onto every word you said to him.

 

“You must think it’s silly, isn't it?” He asks when he was done talking.

 

“No, Jinyoung. I don’t think it’s silly at all. I’m sorry for making you think it was somehow your fault that we drifted apart.” Jackson takes Jinyoung’s hands that were on the table in his before squeezing it.

 

“It’s okay,” Jinyoung reassures, “I realized a year later that nothing could have stopped us from drifting. I feel so embarrassed about writing you that letter now.”

 

“Everybody has their way of moving on and this was simply yours. You don’t have to feel embarrassed about it.”

 

A chuckle escaped past Jinyoung’s lips, “Always so damn likable aren’t you, Jackson Wang?” He earns himself a laugh in return as Jackson sits back in his seat.

 

“You know it.”

 

Jinyoung could feel a small amount of weight lifting off his chest after talking about the letter to Jackson. He was relieved Jackson actually took the letter well. Perhaps it could be the same with Jaebeom?

 

“So who else did you write your letters to?” Both of them were relaxing and sipping their wine after talking things through. Jinyoung thinks he may have had a little more than he should. He feels his face flushing warm. 

 

Groaning he shakes his head at Jackson, “No way am I going to tell you. It’s embarrassing enough when you now know you were my one and only boyfriend thus far.”

 

“Oh come on, it’s not like I’m going to laugh at your face. I won’t tell anyone. I’m just curious.” 

 

Jinyoung knew he shouldn’t have spared a glance at Jackson who was making a puppy face. He could never really say no to those puppy dog eyes. One look and he was screwed. “Ugh, fine!”

 

“Yes!”

 

“But listen closely because I’m not going to repeat myself again. Are we clear?”

 

“Yes, sir!” Jackson does a salute to lighten the mood which does a bit. 

 

“My first letter was to my best friend Jaebeom. He was my first crush. My last letter was to...um...Mark Tuan.” Jinyoung muttered the last part out quietly. Hoping Jackson hears it and doesn’t make him repeat himself again. Saying his name has Jinyoung’s heart skipping a beat. It was weird. Out of the three letters, he’s ever written normally the crush and love he has on that person slowly dwindles away. But for someone reason even after a good one and a half year of not seeing Mark Tuan his heart and stomach still do those skips and flips. Was he still in love with him?

 

“I’m not surprised you would have had a crush on Jaebeom. He’s hot. But Mark Tuan as in our close friend back in college Mark Tuan?” Jackson asks eyes slightly widen in shock.

 

“I’m not going to repeat myself nor answer your question.” 

 

“Okay, okay,” Jackson says, “wow...it’s just...I mean-I guess my hunch on you having a crush on him was right.”

 

“You knew?!” The younger exclaims in horror earning a few looks there way.

 

“I mean I always had a feeling which made me always wondered if something was going one between the two of you.”

 

Jinyoung quickly dismisses that idea, “There wasn't anything between us, I had a crush on him. He never liked me that way.” 

 

“Are you sure? I mean he-”

 

“I’m sure. I heard him telling you once that he would never cross that line with me because I’m your ex.” Memories of that day flash in his mind. How he overheard Mark’s conversation to Jackson through his apartment door. It was the day he was going to confess to Mark too.

 

“Jinyoung I think you-” 

 

Jackson’s phone ring cutting him off mid-sentence. Fetching his phone and answering it he sends an apologetic look towards Jinyoung who simply waved it away. Besides he thinks their conversation is done. When Jackson finally hung up the phone Jinyoung had already asked the waiter for their checks.

 

“Sorry about that it was my boyfriend. He wanted me to pick up a few things for him before going over to his house.” Jackson explains.

 

“It’s fine Jackson, besides I think we should call it a night. It’s getting late anyway.” As they both got up from their seats and headed out of the restaurant the both of them shared a long hug.

 

“I’m glad I received your letter Jinyoung. It’s good to see you again.” 

 

“I’m amazed you still live in the same apartment.”

 

Both men shared a knowing smile just like old times.

 

“Oh, hey, before you go I think I should return this letter back to you.” Bringing out the letter in his hand for Jinyoung to take the younger can only stare at it. With a shake of his head, Jinyoung gently pushes the letter back to Jackson’s chest with a smile.

 

“You should keep it or do whatever you want with it. I think the letter should finally go to its rightful owner.”

 

Returning a smile Jackson pockets the letter before giving Jinyoung another hug.

 

“Keep in touch alright? Don’t be a stranger again.”

 

“I won’t.”

♡

 

 

 

---

Merry Christmas Eve everyeone! I apologize for any grammatical errors. ((: