Catharsis

 

Two knocks and the squeaking sound of a door being opened disturbed the silence of the night. 

"Still awake?"

"Hm? Ah yeah. I was scrolling through Instagram and kind of forgot about the time while doing so." Baekhyun chuckled lightly before putting his phone on the nightstand. A few seconds passed before he grabbed the device again, seemingly realizing something. "Speaking of. Oh crap! It's already past midnight." The vocalist reluctantly got up from his comfortable bed and proceeded to finish packing the abandoned, half-empty suitcase. "I got distracted again."

Chanyeol sat down on Baekhyun's bed and watched the older male folding his clothes in a neat manner. "By what?"

Baekhyun did not answer immediately and the taller sensed that he was contemplating. Titled as the mood-maker of the group, Baekhyun was usually the one who listened to the members, cheered them up and gave them helpful advice. There was no such thing as an awkward silence in a room in which Byun Baekhyun was present. But even though the bubbly vocalist liked to talk, he rarely did so about his own concerns. Chanyeol had always admired Baekhyun's strong personality. There had been many moments in which he couldn't help but watch captivatedly as Baekhyun was giving them a pep talk before an important performance. Something about the determination in his eyes and the depth of his words in such moments attracted Chanyeol immensely and although he himself would very much call himself an optimist, he had never possessed the kind of emotional strength that Baekhyun had. 

But as much as Chanyeol admired this side of Baekhyun, he also got worried at times and wished that his partner wouldn't keep his feelings bottled up to himself. Hence he was surprised when the shorter opened up to him after a short pause. "I was reading recent comments left by our fans. They seem to be worried about the new project. I want to reassure them but I feel like anything I say now might come off the wrong way so I will keep silent for now. I don't want to add fuel to the fire."

"They will come to terms with it. Just give them some time to adjust and I am sure everything will be alright. They might even end up liking it." 

"Yeah, I know." The currently pink-haired vocalist stopped packing for a second and sent a soft smile in the taller's direction. "They are just concerned about us and I will work hard to show them that there is nothing to worry about."

Chanyeol gently put his hand on Baekhyun's, momentarily stopping him from zipping his suitcase. "You cannot always be the giver, Baekhyun. You cannot always be the considerate one. You deserve understanding, too." The taller sighed. "Don't push yourself too hard." 

The younger remembered how five years ago, Baekhyun had been in a similiar situation in which he had to explain and prove himself despite not having done anything wrong. Chanyeol had seen it all. He had seen the hurt expression on Baekhyun's face whenever people threw the word traitor at him, had read the malicious comments in which fans demanded for him to be kicked out of the group, had heard him silently sobbing at night when the negativity got too much. Yes, Baekhyun had picked himself back up. Yes, he had come out of this situation stronger than ever. But Chanyeol knew that every person, no matter how strong, had their limits and he did not want the person he cared about most in the world to relive the dark times of his career that had almost destroyed their relationship as well.

And it seemed like Baekhyun, like so often, sensed his partner's concerns because the next thing he did after finally zipping his suitcase was standing up and walking up to the taller who was still sitting on his bed.

"Are you worried about me?", he asked teasingly while hugging the taller's head. "Don't be. I will be fine. We will be fine."

Chanyeol pressed his cheek against the shorter man's stomach and hugged his waist. Knowing that he had to live without it for a while, he took in as much of Baekhyun's familiar scent as he could. "I know. I trust you. I trust us."

They stayed like this for a while, simply savouring the presence of each other and enjoying the bliss of the warmth that spread through their bodies. 

While Baekhyun was holding him like this, so tightly and securely, Chanyeol was absolutely sure that ...

 

Nothing will ever tear us apart.

 

---

 

It had only been a few days and Chanyeol already wished he could turn back time and find himself in Baekhyun's warm embrace again. He missed him. He missed him terribly. For some reason, he missed him even more than he usually did when they were apart. The ache of being without your significant other was indescribeable. It was dull and heavy. It made you feel incomplete. The absence of a person who had been playing such an important role in your life was hard to endure, no matter how long the seperation lasted. Even after so many years, Chanyeol still found himself having a hard time and he knew that Baekhyun was no exception. They had already been called cheesy and overdramatic countless times by their mutual friends and members but both of them just couldn't help it. Moreover they each had their very own coping mechanisms. Chanyeol always found it amusing how Baekhyun would suddenly start being very active on social media and interact with fans as much as possible in order not to feel lonely. He on the other hand would indulge himself in various acivities like playing basketball, composing or meeting friends - anything to make time pass faster.

And that is why, despite feeling sad and sulky, he did not refuse when MQ told him about that one party that would take place tonight. Dynamic Duo would be there as well as Gaeko and well he "definitely needed the distraction" according to MQ. Chanyeol could only agree.

It turned out to be a good decision.

The night had been filled with music, cool people and just a lot of fun. Chanyeol even got to perform alongside Dynamic Duo which had been his personal highlight. He had never been a heavy drinker but had allowed himself one or two bottles of beer and it had definitely helped with lifting his mood up. He vaguely remembered a random dude dancing up on him but was pretty sure he had kept his hands to himself (MQ had been filming after all and Baekhyun would have had his head). 

Upon arriving at home, Chanyeol was tired to the point that he had to gather all his willpower to wash up before going to bed. He didn't know how but he somehow managed to change into clean clothes and brush his teeth. Dragging his tired legs to bed, he noticed that he had received messages from an unknown number and picked up his phone in order to read them. 

 

I see you went clubbing again. How many girls did you tonight? ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

They looked pretty ... you must have screwed them all ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

bastard. If I exposed you you wouldn't have one fan left

boy 

Did you take drugs again tonight? You looked high. 

Your friend must have given you drugs again.

Park Junkieyeol ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

 

Without thinking twice, Chanyeol blocked the number and tossed his phone back on the bed. It was not the first time that he had received such messages. In fact it had been years now and no matter how many times Chanyeol changed his phone number, those people somehow always found out and texted him over and over again, twisting his every word, threatening to expose him for things he did not do and painting him as an overall horrible person. He had been able to ignore it the first few times but quickly realized that this would not be a onetime occurence.

It was psychological terror.

He was neither allowed to talk to them directly nor indirectly (for the sake of "protecting his image" they had said). Admittedly he had broken that rule many times in the past and gotten an earful from his manager afterwards. Had it been worth it? No. Because rather than scaring them off like Chanyeol had hoped, he felt like he had provoked them even more. Hence he kept silent nowadays. His attention was their victory and he refused to give it to them.

Chanyeol took screenshots of the malicious messages and sent a quick text to his manager before finally throwing himself onto the mattress, sighing. His good mood had gone downhill in a matter of seconds. He was angry and confused. Who were these people? And why did they hate him so much? Even after so many years, nobody had been able to solve the mystery.

Suddenly his phone buzzed again and the tall male grabbed the device, preparing for another mean message. However what he saw instead was a different kind of notification.

 

baekhyunee_exo left a comment on your post.

Ohh what's this? Chanyeollie palm stamping ㅋㅋㅋ

 

Chanyeol's tensed face softened upon reading Baekhyun's comment. He chuckled lightly, his initial anger somehow forgotten.

"Silly. Come back home soon." 

 

---

 

Baekhyun did come back eventually.

They did not have much time for themselves as they were busy practising and preparing for a comeback. But Baekhyun insisted on staying at Chanyeol's until he had to fly back to the states again, arguing that they would at least have a couple of hours of the night for themselves. Their managers had always been pretty strict when it came to them rooming together and prefered to keep them seperated most of the time (an order from high above) but there were also times like this when they would turn a blind eye to it.

And Chanyeol was thankful for it.

Upon arriving in the safety of what they liked to call their own four walls, they both took a shower and soon after found themselves making out on the bed, desire taking over them. Baekhyun was grinding his hips so sensually into his that Chanyeol couldn't take it anymore and flipped them over, pressing wet kisses on the vocalist's long and beautiful neck. "I missed you so much. You cannot even imagine."

"I missed you, too baby."

Chanyeol continued mouthing along Baekhyun's neck, taking in his familiar scent. As his kisses went higher up towards his lips, the younger opened his eyes and got a glimpse of Baekhyun's face.

"What's wrong?", the latter asked perplexedly when his boyfriend suddenly got off him. "Why are we stopping?"

"Maybe we shouldn't go all the way tonight."

"But why? You said you missed me."

"I did!", the taller retorted quickly. "It's just ... you look really tired and I would rather have it you sleep."

"I am fine!", Baekhyun protested but to no avail.

Chanyeol chuckled at the elder's scandalized expression and laid down next to him, pulling the blanket over their bodies. God knew that it was not easy for him to resist after not being able to be with his boyfriend for what had felt like an eternity. However the last thing the taller man wanted was to add another pair of dark circles under Baekhyun's eyes. At least tonight, he thought, he should be able to sleep away his tiredness. 

"Yah you are no fun, Park Chanyeol."

"So how was it in the U.S.?", the latter asked, ignoring him and his own aching arousal.  

"Great!", the elder responded. "We had a pretty hectic schedule but it was fun. We were staying in this huge villa and the view from my room was breathtaking, especially by night. You could literally count the stars, that's how clear the sky was. I wish you could have seen it as well."

"Now that you mention it, I really do miss stargazing. We should do it again sometime. When we are free, I mean."

"Mhm. We definitely should."

"I am glad you had a good time in the states. You looked happy."

"Oh?" Baekhyun turned his body towards the taller male, an amused smile on his face. "So you followed Super M's activities?"

"Of course. Couldn't take my eyes off the leader.", Chanyeol teased, "He said he was single, too. Maybe I have a chance."

"Yah.", Baekhyun laughed, hitting the taller with a pillow. "What was I supposed to say? That I have been dating one of my bandmates for seven years?"

"I know. I am just joking.", the taller chuckled. "We should sleep now."

Baekhyun yawned and shifted closer to him. "Yeah. Before I end up kicking your cheeky off this bed."

"Sorry leader-nim." 

"By the way when are you going to upload the first video for Studio NNG?"

"Soon. Very soon in fact. MQ hyung and I are currently making the final touches so to speak."

"Mhm. I am sure everything will go well. Don't worry."

They laid in each other's arms in silence for a while until Chanyeol felt the elder's body going slack and his breathing becoming audible. He could barely keep his own eyes open but still forced himself to take in as much of Baekhyun's peaceful sleeping face as he could. After all, it wouldn't be long until his lover would have to go back to the states and be away from him again. 

One day, Chanyeol hoped, they wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. One day, they would be able to live life the way they wanted.

 

Please God, let it work out. Let me ensure mine and Baekhyunnie's future.

 

---

 

Seems like you ed up again ㅋㅋㅋ

You should have listened to me. I told you to pick your friends wisely park.

Now look. Everyone hates you.

It won't be long until everyone will find out who you really are.

You're done ㅋㅋㅋ

 

Chanyeol blocked the number and tossed his phone on the newly bought sofa in their studio. "Hyung, could you find out anything?"

Frankly this was not how he had imagined everything to go. Minutes after he had uploaded the first video on their new channel Studio NNG, it started raining negative comments and dislikes. It was a feast for his antis, who immediately bombarded him with text messages and mocked him over the failed start of his new project. They seemed to know more than him though because the rapper had no idea what had caused the outrage online.

"Yeah. I think I know now.", MQ sighed.

"So?"

"Chanyeol I ... I am sorry, man."

"Hyung, I don't understand."

"My language. It's my language they are complaining about." 

The taller paused and mentally went through the whole video. His friend was known for his unfiltered mouth and not having the best social skills. He was basically the complete opposite of Chanyeol. They were like fire and water but ironically, their differences were what, according to a fortune teller, made them work well as a team. He hadn't thought for one second that his fans would view them any differently, that they would think of MQ as a bad influence to him. 

"Look how about you just edit me out? I will also not appear in future videos if you want."

"No hyung. It's not your fault. I should have been more careful.", Chanyeol replied apologetically. "I didn't realize that the video made you appear in a bad light and now you are getting hate that you don't deserve. I hope you can forgive me for that."

"Chanyeol, you don't have to -"

"We started this together, right? You cannot leave me alone halfway.", the taller joked, trying to lift the mood. "I will apologize to the fans. For now, let's delete the video and look through it again."

 

---

 

baekhyunee_exo just uploaded a new photo.

Billboard #1 thank you guys so much! We did it! See you on our tour!

 

Chanyeol smiled and took another sip of beer from the bottle in his hand. His lover was indeed amazing. It seemed like no matter what he did, whatever he was involved in, was destined to become successful. Whoever met him immediately fell in love with his looks, his charm, his wittitness, his incredible voice, his dancing skills - the list was endless. Chanyeol was not surprised that his Baekhyun had conquered the US with ease.

 

Baekhyun who had sold over 500 000 albums.

Baekhyun whose channel had over 2 000 000 subscribers.

Baekhyun who had his own fashion brand.

Baekhyun who managed to successfuly balance both EXO's and Super M's schedules.

Baekhyun who had endured immense hate and came back stronger than ever.

 

Chanyeol felt small, so very small. 

They wanted to build a future together but what was it that he could contribute to it? Every project he had initiated on his own hadn't been successful enough. None of it had fulfilled his expectations. Yes, he had had a great career with EXO but what would happen afterwards? What could he rely on? He was so proud of Baekhyun but were there any achievements of his that Baekhyun could be proud of? He loved Baekhyun. He knew Baekhyun loved him, too. But could a relationship live off love only? If his image was really as negative in the public's eye as the people slandering him online suggested, would Baekhyun want to come forward and claim such a person as his lover?

 

Chanyeollie went out for a late night drive.

Are you picking up again tonight? ㅋㅋㅋ

You must miss Japan ㅋㅋㅋ

Pathetic flop

You have no reason to be so confident.

 

"Maybe I don't."

 

Chanyeol blocked the number and rested his head on the steering wheel. The forbidden alcohol in his system was messing with his emotions. He felt warm tears wetting his cheeks and started sobbing quietly.

 

God am I really such a bad person? Is this my punishment?

 

---

 

"Hey Chanyeol, are you listening?"

"Hm? Ah yeah. Yeah I am. Continue."

"You have no idea what I just said, right?"

The taller went silent. Frankly he had momentarily forgotten where he was and that Baekhyun was back in Seoul again, sitting right next to him on his bed. He tended to space out a lot lately, something that other members had remarked as well. 

The vocalist sighed. "Something is wrong with you. You have been unconcentrated during practise earlier, too." He cupped the taller's cheek. "Do you want to tell me what is going through your mind?"

 

I feel like a failure and undeserving to be with you. 

 

"It's nothing. Just ... I have been worrying over Studio NNG a lot these days. I have started the project with a rough concept in mind but now that I am actually in it, I feel lost. I have realized that there is still so much to improve, so much to figure out and it kind of stresses me."

"You shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself, baby. This was your dream, remember? You are doing this first and foremost for yourself."

 

I am doing this for us.

 

"Subscribers, views, likes - all those things do not matter as long as you genuinely have fun and are satisfied with the content you put out. Everything else will come on its own, trust me."

"That might have worked for you but I am a different case.", Chanyeol muttered, getting off the bed. "I cannot take this so lightly, Baekhyun. Just this time, I want to, I need to do well. This project is more than just a hobby to me. It is - .", he sighed. "It was supposed to be my future."

 

Our future.

 

"What do you mean 'supposed to' ? Chanyeol, you have just started! Give it some time to flourish." The now blonde man got off the bed and approached the taller. "Look, I know hyung and you had a rough start. I am sorry that - "

"Stop feeling sorry for me! I don't want anyone's pity and especially not yours!"

"Who said I was pitying you? I was merely trying to cheer you up!"

"Keep it, okay? It is only easy for you to lecture me and tell me to think positively because you have a great career ahead of you, isn't it? You have absolutely nothing to worry about so stop acting like you understand me and my problems!"

"I didn't know there was such a thing as your and my future up until now but if that's what you want, fine! you!" Baekhyun's voice trembled and it wasn't until he was already wearing his shoes and almost at the frontdoor that Chanyeol came back to his senses and realized how hurtful his words must have been. He had messed up and felt terrible about it. 

"Wait Baekhyun!", Chanyeol ran to the corridor and grabbed his wrist. "Baby, don't go. I am sorry. I didn't mean it. I swear I didn't mean it!", he assured him with a pleading look on his face. 

"Let go, please."

"I don't know what came over me."

"Chanyeol, I don't feel like talking right now. I need space. We will talk later."

"Baekhyun - "

"Let go."

He let go. 

 

God, why is my heart so in pain?

 

---

 

You haven't been out for a while, Park. Are you depressed? ㅋㅋㅋ

Sad that you and your junkie friend's channel flopped?

Nobody wants to see your face Park Chanyeol.

Stay away! 

 

"Maybe I should."

 

---

 

"You want to what?"

"I want to enlist."

"Chanyeol, isn't this a bit sudden?", MQ asked perplexedly, "We have just started our channel and EXO's comeback is basically around the corner. Are you really going to - "

"I am not going to give up on either, hyung." The taller interrupted, smiling. "But after Baekhyun left the house that day, I did a lot of thinking. I realized that I have lost myself in greed, so much that I even ended up hurting the people around me. I want to find myself again and for that I need time off."

"I understand that but is the military really the right place for self-reflection? You could just go on vacation somewhere." 

"No hyung. I need to go to a place where I can tame my greed, a place that will make me miss and consequently appreciate everything that I have here. I need to regain the passion I initially had when I decided to become a musician. Only then will I be able to cretae music that can touch people's hearts." He paused thoughtfully. "Only then can I be the partner that Baekhyun deserves."

"Idiot. Everyone knows that even if you were a beggar on the streets, Baekhyun would still be madly in love with you."

Chanyeol smiled. "Maybe. But I don't want to take his love for granted. It hasn't been easy for him to be with me but he still stayed by my side. Even after that day we fought, he continued to show me that special smile that I know is only reserved for me. He still looked at me like I was the best person in the world. And I cannot handle him doing that, not when I myself don't feel like I am. That is why I want whatever Baekhyun sees in me to become real, hyung. I want to give him the best version of me. I want to give my fans the best of me, the members, my family - everyone who has supported me up until now. That is why I have taken this decision."

MQ, who had been quietly listening, let out a deep sigh before reaching out to give his friend a hug. "This brain of yours is really hard for me to understand sometimes. But since you have made up your mind, I am here to support you, bro."

The taller hugged back, big eyes already getting wet. He was determined not to let those tears fall in order not to destroy the cool and adult vibes he had emitted just now. It was all part of the progress he wanted to make.

"By the way how are you going to tell Baekhyun? Do you think he will just let you go like that?" 

 

---

 

"Alright guys, we have 25 minutes left until you have to be on stage! Get ready!"

Baekhyun gave an acknowledging nod to the staff-member before dialing the familiar phone number for probably the nth time that day. He frowned when the person he tried to reach did not pick up, something that did not go unnoticed by Taeyeong who had been watching his leader the whole time. 

"You have been frowning the whole day, hyung. Is everything alright?", the younger asked concernedly. 

"Well it seems like someone is purposely trying to avoid me and I don't like it one bit.", the vocalist answered, finally letting his phone drop on his lap with a defeated sigh.

"It's only 11AM in Korea. Maybe the person you are trying to reach is still asleep?"

"Hm I think or more like hope so. Otherwise he is going to get an earful from me later." 

Taeyong laughed, patting his leader's shoulder. "I am sure that won't be necessary. Let's get ready."

"Yeah we should.", Baekhyun agreed and got up from the chair he was sitting on. 

A knock was heard on the door to their dressing room and Baekhyun was already about to apologize for the delay when a familiar but very unexpected head poked in. 

"Chanyeol! You? Here? Since when?", the vocalist stuttered perplexedly. 

"Since this morning. Sorry for ignoring your calls. I uh wanted to surprise you so ...", the rapper explained bashfully while rubbing his freshly shaven nape. 

Taeyong, sensing that his seniors might want to have some privacy, decided to leave them alone after giving a smile and bow to Chanyeol. 

The taller waited until the door closed before shifting his attention to his boyfriend who was looking at him with a touched expression. He smiled back warmly. It was their way of saying "Thank you for coming." and "Anything for you, baby." They both loved to talk but when it came to understanding each other, they did not need any words. 

Baekhyun walked up to the taller and hugged him longingly. "It's so nice that you are here. I was going nuts when I was not able to reach you just now. I really needed to hear your voice." 

Chanyeol returned the hug, careful not to mess up his boyfriend's hair minutes before the performance. "Why is that?"

"I don't know. I suddenly had this uneasy feeling as if something bad was going to happen. Could be that I am just anxious because of the performance." 

The rapper tightened the hug, swallowing a huge lump that seemed to get bigger and bigger with every second. "There is no need. You will do amazing as always and everyone will love you. I believe in you."

Baekhyun pulled away from the hug, smiling gratefuly. "You will watch me, right? This is your chance to meet the leader you were gushing abou. You won't miss this chance right?"

Chanyeol chuckled, taking Baekhyun's hands into his. "Of course not. I will watch him from the waiting room."

"What? But I would like to see your face in the crowd, baby.", the vocalist whined.

"I don't want to cause a scene, baby. I want their attention to solely be on you."

"Hm well it's also much more comfortable here.", Baekhyun added, looking around, "So I guess it's fine. But stay until the end okay? Let's have dinner together after the concert." 

"Yeah.", Chanyeol nodded, "Yeah, let's do that."

A knock was heard on the door. "5 Minutes left! I repeat, there are 5 minutes left!"

"You should go now. They are waiting for you."

"Mhm. I should.", the vocalist sighed. "You will wait for me here, right?"

Chanyeol smiled, squeezing Baekhyun's hands as if he wanted to reassure him when his actual intention was to engrave the feel of Baekhyun's hands in his in his memory. "Good luck. I love you."

"I love you, too. See you later!" 

The door closed. Soon after Chanyeol heard fans happily cheering outside, creating a contrast to his aching heart and the tears that continiously ran down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly. "I am sorry. I am so sorry. Please don't hate me."

He had gone through a lot of painful moments in his life but none of them came close to this one. It took every ounce of self-control in him not to change his mind and stay like he had promised Baekhyun to, to forget everything and just wait for him, take him out to dinner and go stargazing together. 

But he knew it was for the better. 

Chanyeol pulled out the skyblue envelope that he had been hiding in one of his large pockets and put it on the chair Baekhyun had got up from earlier. 

Love was not always about giving. Sometimes love also meant letting go for a while. 

 

 

God, please do not make me regret this. And please protect him while I am not here.