Chapter 1 - Everything And Nothing 

 

In the semi darkness of my room I can still see the soft flakes of snow falling outside . The glass is cold as I lean my forehead on it , transfixed on the last sunrays of this year. It is dying out now  covering everything that happened in a white blanket holding hopes for the future . When I think about my future , I can’t really find any difference between it and my past . And as for my present , I successfully mislead myself again walking the tangled way my sanity twirls up for me in my mind . In the horizon the city lights are burning holes in my eyes . Little flames of blue , red and gold stirring on my closed eyelids . Distant echoes of far away parties , they are welcoming the passing of the time . It is natural , it is obvious  it is the same . Year after year and snow still covers the streets on a day like that . And the glitters reminds me time after time about the day they left .

 

It was actually ten years ago . Do you remember what you’ve done ten years ago ?

 

Ten years is a great deal of time however one cannot simply forget the past. I can remember clearly what happened as if it was recorded and burnt so deeply within my mind . Such vivid memories that haunts me till this day .

 

Tell me what is it like to be loved ? It has been so long since I felt that safe haven . That profound comfort of happiness and that sweet laughter that echoes through the room .

 

Oh god I miss it ! Tell me no matter how much I dwell on the past , my simple and bitter wish will never come true .

 

***

 

I sit on the bench  hands folded on the wooden board and listening carefully to their words . Soft voices are telling me to open my eyes and to believe. They try to convince my withered heart to wake up and embrace every moment of life and love . Then they talk about new chances and hope , they pray for good days , for sunlight and for the spring . They bless me in the name of God and promise me the oath of light , new beginnings and changes . A new me … they say .

 

But I do not believe them .

 

I am Satan .

 

I am heartless .

 

 

I am hatred .

 

*Steps .*

 

Their echo’s swallows well by the clean carpets on the floor but I still manage to hear them . Steps , light steps of someone who hasn’t walked for a while whose legs are slightly shaking from the cold and who is about to fall heavily on the bench on my side .

Breathing deeply  I turn around slowly to see who it is and I froze . Ten years , Ten years since I’ve seen her last . Her face pale , her hands trembling as her voice is broken into tears . Here she is sitting a meter away from me .

 

I wanted to lie and say that she looked the same . I wanted to tell myself the sweet lies .But of course I couldn’t as  my memories resurfaced . Ten years ago , her cat like eyes stared at me along with her gummy smile . Her sun kissed skin so beautiful as it glowed every time I saw her . She was the definition of beauty and happiness .

 

But now she is slim , very skinny than usual ; her skin is now  death pale like it hasn’t seen sun in years . Now her young face is wearing the constant mask of mourn , worry and isolation . Her hands shaking slightly in the gloves but her features are calm and steady though the turmoil is well seen in her light brown orbs . She grasped the board in front of her and mumbled unreal words .She bows her head and I can feel that she’s fighting the tears .  

 

 

 

 

Jennie looks to her side as she felt my stare on her and a lone tear streams down her cheek as she sees me . Her eyes was once loving but now darkness has taken over her . Hurt , sadness , anger and hatred stared at me .

 

Was fate playing with me or was it another inevitable mistake of faith ?

 

 

 

I didn’t want  to get closer to her … more tears stream her cheeks . My pain has faded away some time ago . I told myself again and again that my love ones are dead .I learned how to face reality no more like forced myself to accept this fate but Jennie  couldn’t . She couldn’t grasp the thought that Rose had left her and disappeared after the death of Jessica .

 

I help her up and she said nothing until we were standing in the cold, her body shivering violently near mine . We stood like this , eyes trailing on the graves visible in the cemetery , washed down by tears of rain covered by snow , cold and withered petals . The plants around the tombs were dead and wilted .

 

Do they wait for spring ?

 

“ Why did she run away? …” her once beautiful voice was hoarse from being unused , tears of frost on her cheeks , “ Please Sinb !”

 

Don’t do this to me ! Jennie unnie I wanted to hate you . I wanted to despise you . I wanted you dead . You brought us sadness and misery yet she loved you . She always did and even though she left us after Jessica’s death . You tore my heart apart and burned me in misery when you took Rose from me .

 

 

 I lost my love to you and  my dearest sister …

 

 

“ Let her be … please ! Rose choose her fate . “ I sighed at the thought of any hopes of her being alive .The more I delve in this madness the more I become the true meaning of insanity .Instead of letting her carry on I begged her to say no more .I’m scared to go back and visit those painful memories where my love fell apart .Where hatred was the only vision I saw at that time , where my hatred towards Jess and Rose  was real . Part of me still blames Jennie for the downfall of my own hatred towards my love ones … she took them from me .

 

If only we never met her …

 

“ Jennie. “ My voice sounded desperate as I try to claim back my world where there was no hope but just harsh reality of life .“ It’s all over . “

 

“ No !” another whisper of her lifeless voice and she looks at me through wall of tears ,” She’s not dead … she can’t be . I want her back Sinb ah . I l—loved her .”

 

I look at her , compassion written on my face for once . Would she understand it after so long ? Why didn't the pain get old , why didn't the memories fade away so she can get back to normal day life before she met her and before she met us . Why couldn’t she erase her ?

 

Tell me did you love her greatly as I did ?

 

Even through her façade ,even through her lies ,even through her blunt honest opinions  and even if she kills people ?

 

Will you love her as much as I did even through her lies and her truths . Will you be standing here like me or will you be disgusted by the truth of “ Roseanne Park ?”

 

Tell me …