The funniest thing about their relationship is that Jessica seems like the guy in the relationship. Because she’s always the calm, composed one, the one that makes sure everything is at its perfect balance. Jay’s always the one trying to impress her, and his occasional fails amuse her. But it’s this kind of boyfriend that she wants to have, because after all, she is the ice princess, and there has to be someone to melt that embraced heart of hers.

“Do you purposely play hard to get?”

Jessica raises an eyebrow, sending him her typical skeptical Jessica look. “I don’t play hard to get,” she snaps mock angrily.

Jay laughs. “Oh, right, because you are hard to get.” Then, when her face softens into a smile, he laughs again and pulls her petite body into his arms, inhaling her scent, cinnamon and floral, a strange but exotic combination, just like Jessica herself.

“Oh, whatever,” she replies, rolling her eyes, but that ghost of a smile tells him that she’s not really angry.

Jessica leans into him, letting her eyes flutter close ever so slowly. With Jay, she feels different. She feels at ease, like everything’s okay, like all of her problems dissolve into absolute nothingness, like time stops, just for the two of them. And that’s the beauty of it all. Jay thinks that she’s like the sand on the beach, peaceful and constant, but really it’s because of Jay that she’s like this.

“… Jay?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.” Her voice is a breathless whisper, carelessly thrown into the wind. It travels through the air before entering his ears, her every word like beautiful, beautiful music. In that moment, his heart skips a beat, and he wishes the world isn’t as cruel as it is - just because they are idols, they can’t date publicly.

His heart sinks then. “I love you too…”

She can tell that he’s upset from miles away. So she looks at him with a concerned expression, her face contorted strangely with concentration. “What’s wrong, Jay?”

Jay watches her make that weird face that would usually look unusual on most people but because it’s Jessica, it looks perfectly fine. He doesn’t want to worry her, but he doesn’t want to lie to her either. He just sighs, shaking his head slowly. There are some things that shouldn’t be said, and he decides that this is one of them.

Thankfully, she gets it. Jessica runs a hand through his hair and smiles softly, her lips parting just a little and the ends curving upwards. It’s his favourite smile. She doesn’t say anything, but it’s enough.

She understands him, and everything is perfect the way it is, like it always has been. It’s another one of the reasons why he loves her.

*

Jessica knocks on the door early one morning at 2PM’s dorm. She’s snuck out without anyone knowing. Her schedule is unexpectedly cleared for the day and she is grateful for it. She’s left a note saying that she’s out for something important, but knows that the other girls will just roll their eyes at it and demand for all the details when she returns.

“Oh, Jessica,” Nickhun answers the door.

“Hi. Can I come in?”

Nickhun scrambles to open the door quickly and lets her in, “I’m sorry the dorm isn’t in good shape… I kind of didn’t expect-”

“It’s okay,” she cuts him off and goes into Jay’s room - she knows he sleeps alone - and Nickhun retreats to call the other members up. Jessica pushes open the door and places her bag by it, leaving the door open just a little as she scans the room.

Overall, it’s pretty neat, and since the last time she came here (when was it again, she can’t really remember - it seems to be eons since she last saw him), it’s been kept in good condition. She approaches his desk and sees pictures of her (this makes her smile) and her favourite books (that she told him to read while she wasn’t around).

Jessica pulls open a drawer and finds random things. There is a Polaroid picture of her (she remembers this one, it was taken a while back, when they were friends), a copy of A Walk To Remember, book and movie (that they watched together on one Sunday night), letters that she wrote to him when she was bored, tiny post-its of different colours reminding him to eat his meals…

“Hey there, love,” his voice startles her and makes her jump.

Jessica turns and he’s on the bed, motioning for her to join him. Smiling gently, she gets in beside him, snuggling into him. “I’ve missed you,” she says, as his fingers run across the length of her upper thigh, then trailing up towards her hip and across her flat stomach.

“I know. Schedules have been driving me nuts. And I’m sorry I haven’t called enough. I’ve been really tired lately.” He knows these excuses aren’t good enough, but Jessica’s too blissful to care. Well, if she does care, then she doesn’t show it.

“Don’t bother explaining."

“Aren’t you mad at all?”

Jessica looks at him and then at his arm, which has slid around her waist. “Not really. I’m used to it. I know you work hard - no surprise there.”

He nods, and leans down slightly to kiss her forehead, sending all sorts of sparks flying. She loves how a small kiss on the forehead can make her feel so much emotion. This, she tells herself, is what love feels like. She’s never had a boyfriend before Jay, and has always wondered what true love is. Now that they’re in a relationship, she feels like it’s the best thing in the world.

And that’s all that matters.

*

Everything is going fine until the hate begins to explode out of nowhere. Apparently the fans have dug up stuff from his Myspace account, back when he was a trainee, stuff about how he said that Korea was ‘gay’. That person, whoever it was, found it, translated it and sent it out all over the Internet. That’s how it begins, and soon there are petitions the Koreans are signing for Jay to leave 2PM.

Jessica finds this out the minute Sooyoung starts screaming and running around the house about Jay leaving. She drops everything and Sooyoung informs her all that she knows. Without hesitation, she picks up her phone and dials Jay’s number, but nobody answers on the other line.

She then calls 2PM’s dorm, and she and Taecyeon have a heated conversation about Jay ( you, Ok Taecyeon, why didn’t you tell me that Jay left? - He told me specifically not to tell you, Sica, I’m very sorry - you. … I can’t believe you’d do this.) which doesn’t end very nicely - she hangs up on him halfway through his sentence, apologizing profusely, completely unlike how he usually is - that is, beastly, annoying, incorrigible - according to Jessica.

Once she puts down the phone, and Sooyoung glances at her worriedly, she throws everything on the ground and runs out of the dorm. Sooyoung knows better than to chase after her, so she doesn’t.

Jessica Jung Sooyeon cries.

*

The thing is, she only cries at a few instances. Once, when she had to move into the dorm - which meant leaving her family, which she loved, and when SNSD wins an award, or their first win, things like that. Occasionally, she cries when she feels lonely, at night, but usually Tiffany’s there in a heartbeat.

But this time, Jay’s gone. He’s been the most significant person in her life after the SNSD members, and he’s gone, just like that. There are so many feelings, so many thoughts that rush into her heads that cannot be put into words. All she does is heave her chest forward as she sits on a bench not very far from the dorm (but far enough) and cry.

She cries like she’s never cried before. It’s been a while, a long while since she last cried. Tears flow in buckets, and she can’t stop, hard as she tries. Her phone buzzes a number of times, calls from the 2PM members, calls from the SNSD members, from the Super Junior members too - maybe Taeyeon told them - but she doesn’t pick up.

Jessica shakes violently, her body beginning to tremble. She pulls her knees up to her chest and for a nano-second she wonders how nobody has noticed her existence. Out of the corner of her eye she spots a group of teenagers, girls and guys, fresh out from high school, and she makes a run for it. Surely one of them will notice her. Without thinking, she heads towards SHINee’s dorm.

*

“Oh my God, Jessie, you’re a mess,” is the first thing Key says when he opens the door. But Jessica just pushes past him and collapses in a heap onto their living room floor, putting her head between her knees.

Onew slowly approaches her, and pats her back awkwardly. Minho towers over her protectively, his weight shifting from side to side. Jonghyun and Taemin just watch from a corner, exchanging worried looks with the other members. Key rushes to make a cup of tea and places it on the table before sitting beside her and letting words flow out of his mouth so fast she barely catches anything.

“I heard about Jay and I know you’re upset but look Sica crying isn’t the solution to this right now. Have you tried calling him? Did he call you? Girl, if he doesn’t call you then he’s not worth it. Have you tried the 2PM dorm? I mean I could give you their -”

“Shut up, Kibum.”

She only uses his real name whenever she really means something, and Key shuts up. Onew doesn’t know what to do, Minho either, and all of them know they can’t count on Taemin, so Jonghyun tries something.

He bites his lower lip and wraps his arms around her. She is not surprised. In fact, she appreciates the gesture, resting her chin on his shoulder. Jonghyun is one of the only few people who know a lot about her and Jay’s relationship, apart from that, only Heechul, Donghae, Tiffany and Jay himself that really know everything.

“Look… Noona,” he whispers lowly, so quiet that only both of them can hear, “I might not be very sure about what’s happening right now between you and Jay-ssi, and there might not even be anything, but if I know one thing, it’s that noona, you’re worth it. He will come back, somehow, somewhere, sometime. It might be today, it might be tomorrow, it might be in a few years but… He will come back. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Jessica lifts her gaze and Jonghyun is looking sincerely at her, searching her eyes for some flicker of emotion. Her vision suddenly blurs, and she realizes that she is tearing again. But they are no longer tears of sadness.

“… Thank you, Jonghyun. Thank you,” she murmurs almost inaudibly.

Because that’s all she can say.

*

For Jay, Jessica is the first person he calls when since he left. And it takes a tremendous amount of courage for him to even pick up the phone. His fingers hover over the call button, his eyes opening and closing with frustration. But when he does, he decides to not be a coward and actually say something when she picks up after the third ring.

“Hey,” he starts off, anticipation and (somewhat) despair in his voice.

“Hi."

“I’m… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for.. everything. I’m sorry for ruining everything. I’m sorry… It was… I’m horrible. You shouldn’t… I shouldn’t even be calling you right now.”

He’s never struggled so much with his words around her. The way the pauses dot his apology scares even him. Jessica listens with a bated breath, waiting for his words that he’ll come back. But she is disappointed when it ends there, there is no mentioning of him returning any time soon.

“it’s okay. I understand.”

“No. You don’t… I have… I have to leave. I can’t… I can’t deal with all of this. I don’t know when I’ll be back… Orif I will be back. I don’t want… Sooyeon I don’t want you waiting for me like this. You’re going to set yourself up for disappointment…”

She notices the use of her real name when he speaks, and she chokes a little on her words. She sputters.

“Don’t… don’t tell me that. Just… Jay, promise me one thing, all right?”

Jay hesitates, his voice trembling, betraying him as he replies. “What is it?”

“Take care of yourself.”

Her request is so simple, but it’s conveyed with so much emotion that Jay’s heart breaks. It never does, but these words from the mouth of a woman whom he loves so much it hurts, these words kill him inside. He nods, and whispers an okay back. He knows he’s a horrible mess right now, but she’s no better. He realizes that she always said the right things and he always said the wrong things, just like what’s happening now. He can’t say anymore - there’s nothing else that can make up for the hurt she feels.

He hangs up first, without even a goodbye.

The silence is tormenting, after the beep that signals Jay has hung up on her for the first time ever - without saying goodbye.

*

He doesn’t call her again after that. Most of the time he tries his hardest not to think of her if that’s virtually possible. He convinces himself that she’ll move on, that she’s a strong woman, that she’ll find someone else more worthy of her. Every day it’s torture trying to push her out of his mind, because she, like a lingering cloud, is always there, always finding a way to come right back in.

In a way he feels like he’s inching closer and closer to pressing the self-destruct button. Although he’s practically on the other side of her world he can’t help but think of her all the time, and all the memories they share. From the late-night calls, to the texts that send butterflies floating around in their stomachs, to the midnight dates… Sometimes just looking at her from a distance. If anything, she takes his breath away.

And he misses her badly.

Sometimes she calls, but he never answers so as usual, she leaves short, curt messages - For ’s sake, Jay, pick up your phone or I’ll kill you - that kind of scare him. The intensity of her tone, coupled with her choice of words. They’re just like the death threats his anti-fans send him. But then one day her messages begin to get softer, that edge in her voice disappearing slowly, as if slowly, gradually, her heart is beginning to melt again.

I hope you’re doing okay, she would say, I miss you. He tries, so hard, to delete them right away but sometimes he just can’t. Because of how broken, how torn, how weak she sounds, completely unlike her usual self.

It’s a normal afternoon for him, he’s just returned from a few errands he ran. Jessica calls just as he settles onto his bed for his midday nap. He stares at his phone blankly, and after five rings, he answers, with a small, timid voice, revealing to her, finally, the defenseless self he’s become without her. He looks at the clock quickly, and with a quick count using his fingers, he realizes that it must be at least three in the morning over there, and her voice sounds utterly exhausted, but there is a hint of happiness.

Still, it’s the voice that he likes to hear. It’s comforting. Familiar.

“So how are you, Jay?”

“I’m fine. Thank you. How are you and the other members doing?”

“The other members are doing great. How else can they do? As for me, I’m… borderline sane. Keeping sane. It’s not that easy, living in all this madness that is idol life.”

He laughs. She laughs with him, and next to her voice, next to her singing, this is his third favourite sound in the world. Jay is glad that she still has that sarcastic humor in her words. She’s not completely lifeless like he is.

“You sound okay. Hang in there.”

This is followed by a awkward, long, wordless silence. Usually the silences between them are sweet, filled just by each other’s presence, which they both enjoy, but this time, Jay finds no suitable words. The small talk is over, and they’re clearly avoiding the issue at hand.

She sighs.

She only uses that sigh when she wants to say something that’s bothering her, or when she wants to tell him something important. It amuses him how he still remembers what her sighs mean. Jay waits for a few moments, before he hears her exaggeratedly taking a deep breath.

“You’ll come back, Jay,” she whispers into the phone, her voice worn and raspy, “I’ll wait.”

And right now, in his weakened, confused, ed up state, that’s all he needs. (He always believes everything she says.) Maybe someday he’ll return to her, when he’s ready. Someday, he promises her silently, knowing that she understands, I’ll come back to you.

When that day comes, she’ll welcome him back with open arms.

(Because love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. Love is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love? Love never fails.)