Since childhood, I have always liked guns and movies of soldiers and secret agents. The way the burly soldier and handsome agents were portrayed always made me look up to them and want to become like them. As I grew up, I learned the truth about war and espionage; they are nothing romantic nor fun. Instead, they are dreadful and deadly.

But my fantasy for guns and war never stopped me front wanting to join the military. However, my family would strongly disapprove of my dream and I would go on to pursue a post secondary education in Chinese language and literature.

With the introduction of the BraneStation and the Deep Dive VR technology, I thought of this as a way for me to experience the thrill of war, a one of a time experience.

Yet now, this is my new reality.

”Oh, so you’re a college student?” Asked the whiny little guy.

”Why yes I am.”

Although we have had disagreements, but me and my parents are in very good terms. They support my dream to pursue higher education and live in a politically controversial place, Taiwan, unconditionally.

”Your girlfriend an Indonesian too?”

”No, she’s Taiwanese. Or to be exact, ex girlfriend.”

I still can’t believe that we’ve broken up. So many promises for being together forever, to get married and have two or three children and live a happy life together in Taiwan.

I still remember the days where I would go out of my way to commute for nearly an hour just to pick her up from college and perhaps have lunch together. Her long straight hair and her kind smile would take my heart captive all the time. From time to time I would say “hǎo xiǎngnǐ o!” (I miss you so much!) while squeezing her arm into my chest with both of my hands, and I would bring my face close to her temple to smell the scent of her hair, which always brings me into a state of euphoria. I would hug her and kiss her in public, and she would push away with an annoyed look, a forced smile, and say, in her high pitched, sweet voice, “gàn má!” (What are you doing!)

But then, when she came back from Germany, she would no longer show me the same sweet smile. When I hugged her, she would force a sorrowful smile, and back away when I try to kiss her.

We then talked about everything. About our future. Our communication problems. About whether or not we should continue this crumbling relationship. We were quite literally two people who still loved each other, but had to be apart due to our love for each other. We didn’t want us both to hurt more, and we may have wanted to give each other more freedom, thinking that it may ease the pain for the both of us.

It was painful.

Love is a drug. The more you take it, the more you need it. Once you get rid of it, agonizing pain will have you suffering for weeks, months, sometimes even years. You will try your hardest to regain the feeling of comfort, of pleasure, but no one ever falls for a desperate man who has lost his sense of self worth.

In the pain, I fought the thought of self harm in many ways, including buying an airsoft Glock 18. Every time I’m in pain, I would pick up the gun and point it at my temple, pull the trigger, hear a sharp click, and repeat the process countless times until my brain no longer feels pain.

Then my friend sold me the BraneStation.

So I started playing, hoping to find another reason to live.

Now that I have found it, I may be too close to my deathbed to enjoy it.