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 Blue Ocean

“I’m sorry if you thought I was leading you on. You can stop liking me now,” he said. 

There goes my heart pounding against my chest like BOOM! It was as if I was just shot with an arrow right through my chest. 

He’d only said it once, but it echoed in my heart like a death hymn and the pain spread in my bones like poison. Even as I watched his back walking further away from me, my heart felt every terrible twists and turns, but most importantly, the humiliation he put upon me. 

I have liked Dr. Jin Sukjin for eleven years. I wished upon a star that I would marry him someday, that’s why I studied hard and worked as hard as I could just to be by his side. 

I decided to become a doctor because of him. Eleven years ago, I saw the face of the man who saved my life. Sukjin oppa saved me, and I liked him since then. But the truth is, I’ve always known he never liked me back. Instead of liking someone else, I worked hard and prettily to gain his attention and love.

I just loved him too much. The fact that he waited eleven years to reject me made me want to die of shame and hurt. But when I turned around to see the deep ocean waving at me and a man hoping to die underneath it in silence, I realized I wasn’t alone.

I was never alone.

I was on a depressive state (because I was rejected) when this certain boy, named Nam Joohyuk, came into my life like lightning. He was a lifeless figure, soaked in the water as he continued to amble towards the deepest part of the blue ocean. I literally shunned away the obvious fact that he was attempting to end his life. 

I could have left him there to die. After all, I wasn’t ready to sacrifice mine. Nonetheless, something pulled me into that raging water even though I had no idea how deep it was. It was selfless of me to do so. To save a stranger’s life when I could have lost mine.  

After a long time, I realized that I wasn’t the only one feeling broken and alone. I wasn’t the only one who wanted to die. There were other people who have suffered more than I thought I have. 

Nam Joohyuk was one of them. 

Saved

That was the first time I saved a man outside of the hospital. He wasn't breathing when I got him back to the land, almost as if he refused to. I pressed my hands on his chest and gave him about two or more rescue breaths until I noticed him coming back to his senses. I could have thought he died on my watch. Fortunately, I managed to save him and I couldn't have been more relieved. 

Alas, he wasn't as grateful as I thought he would be. As I got a closer look at his face, I regrettably saw a hint of emptiness and destruction in his eyes. It was as if he was carrying a lot of dark emotions in him. I might have froze for a long time then, before I asked, "Are you okay?" And received no response.

I was about to call an emergency ambulance for him, but before I could tell the other line about the situation, the man I just saved had abruptly seized my phone and tossed it in the ocean. "What the heck?! My phone! What is wrong with you?!" I exclaimed and ran towards the side of the ocean to search my phone. At that moment, I only worried about Sukjin's photos in my gallery and our text messages to each other. 

On the other hand, the man I saved just gazed at me emptily before leaving me behind in the cold. I  was certain he was ungrateful then, and that he was an unlikeable person. That's what I thought so. 

That was my first impression of him anyways. 

That was how I met the man who touched my heart — for real this time. 

Nam Joohyuk was like a photograph I swear I must’ve kept in my pocket everyday. 

Rooftop

Almost half of my life, I spent it crushing on Dr. Jin Sukjin. Eleven ing years. He was my inspiration, my savior once upon a time. I studied hard to be like him, worked hard to be stationed with him. I used to think it wouldn't be so hard to make him fall for me because of my radiant looks. But now that I think about it, I was just being narcissistic. How could someone like him ever love someone like me if I had the heart of an antagonist who was selfish and conceited? 

Everyone knows I slapped about half of his admirers in the past. 

In the end, he was already in love with someone else. Her name was Eun Hye, and she was more than beautiful. She was perfect, and yet so simple. Her dimples showed whenever she smiled. Her hair was long and dyed the blackest black. Her skin was fair and white. Her voice was angelic, almost like she was sent from heaven. She had a nice personality too, sweet and innocent. No wonder, Sukjin oppa liked having her so much. 

I didn't like it very much. For months, I found myself crying alone at the hospital rooftop, asking the heavens where I went wrong. The empire of love I worked hard to build for me and him was for nothing.

Then one day, the thought of dying just came up on my silly brain. Falling from the rooftop would have been the perfect way to die, I thought. Maybe then Sukjin would notice me. But I was a coward. I wanted to die, but I couldn't do it. 

"You're not gonna do it?" Startled, I spun around to see whose voice it came from, only to find a man in patient's clothes standing a few meters before me. It only took me a few seconds to recognize that face: The ungrateful man I saved from drowning a few months ago. For some reason, I still remembered his face. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked, acting tough. 

"Same as you," he replied with a deadpan expression. "I was hoping falling from this height would kill me.” 

I widened my eyes in shock. "What?" 

"But since you’re always here, I never get the chance to do it." He smirked. "You always come here crying before me. Is your heart that broken, Doctor?" 

I hissed, annoyed at his question. Obviously, because it hit me — like a wrecking ball. "So what? What about you? Aren't you heartbroken too? Did you get dumped?" I spat back as I laughed inwardly. "The last time I saw you, you tried to drown yourself.”  

"Yes,” he said sternly. "She married someone else." 

I didn't see that coming. I was speechless and embarrassed then. I could feel my face heating up in both anger and disesteem. 

"That's not exactly the reason why I wanna die though," he continued. "I just can't find a reason to live anymore. Are you the same, Doctor?" 

"Eh?" Was all I could say. 

"You must have studied so hard to become a Doctor, are you just gonna throw that away? A lot of people are dying everyday, are you just gonna let them die with you? Don't you still have a mother who comes to bring you lunch everyday? You're still young and you don't look that bad either. You look very healthy too. Aren't these reasons enough to make you live?" He grilled. "If I had the same good reasons, I wouldn't even think about ending my life." 

I cleared my throat, feeling ashamed of myself, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. "Gosh, are you my stalker?" I feigned a laugh. "You must be interested in me!” 

"Indeed I am," was his downright response. "I am very interested in you, Doctor Bae Suzy.”  

"What? You even know my name?" I hated his guts. 

He pointed toward my nameplate. “My name is Nam Joohyuk by the way,” he added with a half-smile. 

That was the first time I heard his name. 

Smile For Me

I started noticing Joohyuk’s presence ever since our encounter at the rooftop. It was no use ignoring him in the hallway of the hospital since he knew my name after seeing it multiple times on my nameplate. He’d always call out my last name rather informally. “Bae! Bae! Bae!” One day, his voice apparently got stuck in my mind like a sticky music, stuck song syndrome. Then I began to get to know him a little bit more, and realized he was more than just that cold-hearted suicidal man I met at the beach. 

I didn’t know everything about him because I refused to be drawn by him. I thought about getting close to him once to get Sukjin’s attention, considering Sukjin was Joohyuk’s personal doctor, but came to a conclusion that it would be a dumb way to steal a man. Instead of focusing myself on my what-if relationship with Sukjin, I decided to focus more on my patients and some other distractions. Joohyuk was that distraction.

He constantly followed me around like a puppy, and every time I caught him, he’d pretend not to see me or run off like a scaredy cat. 

"You're annoying. Stop following me," I would tell him sternly as if determined to push him away and he'd just look at me as if he'd heard nothing from me. 

One time he said, “Don’t push me away or I’ll fall head over heels for you.” 

“That’s not my problem.”

”It is your problem. Don’t you know that love is a sickness too? If I tell my doctor that you’re the reason of this sickness –“ 

“What do you want?” I demanded in a haste, feeling threatened. 

“I want to see the garden, with you.” He beamed, and I had no choice but to settle with his constant demands to walk him at the garden when I'm off duty. 

I later became curious about Joohyuk, to the point that I almost asked Sukjin about his patient’s records — which I didn’t because I was too embarrassed to even speak to him after the traumatizing rejection. I didn’t want the nurses to think I was only curious because of Sukjin either. Everyone already knew about my unrequited love for the doctor, and I had no friends to open up to about it. Life at work was complicated. Luckily, Joohyuk was there to help ease my uneasy heart when it comes to Sukjin oppa. 

If Joohyuk wasn’t following me around on my day shift, I would find him at the rooftop where he’s not trying to kill himself. He’d be standing by the railings, admiring the sun and the breeze of the wind that kept on blowing his bangs. It was hot. I mean, he was. 

“Hey,” I called from behind. “Is this your hiding spot?  If Dr. Jin finds out you are wandering again, you’ll be in big trouble. Go back to your room.” 

“He knows I’m fine,” he said calmly, “A car accident couldn’t even kill me. Wandering wont either. Waking up from a comatose should be a blessing, not a confinement.” 

“Is that why you’re here? Because you got in a car accident, and then instead of dying, you went in coma?” I asked with a sigh. “Was it really an accident or did you try to kill yourself?” 

“The latter.” 

“You must be crazy,” I muttered, my blood boiling in frustration. Without hesitation, I grabbed him by force and spun him round to face me. “Don’t die.” 

When I said that, I must have surprised him seeing his expression wasn’t all too happy nor mad, but a look of disbelief. “If you try again, I’ll definitely send you to a mental hospital,” I said as if to threaten him. A few moments later, I headed back to my station to go back to work, leaving a tongue-tied Joohyuk behind. 

The following days went on smoothly albeit there were a lot of new patients coming in from the emergency room. If it wasn't for a certain patient's attention and support, I would've had a rather rough whole day. Luckily, after a long day of duty, Joohyuk still manages to put a smile on my face. 

He'd pick one of those Carnation flowers from the garden and leave it in my office, with a note that says, "Fighting, my Bae!" 

At first, I thought it was ridiculous. I wasn't even his Bae nor did I like him. I even pushed him away countless of times, but for some unsettling reason, I ended up keeping everything he gave me in my drawer, as if whoever gave me those was someone special. And I constantly denied that he was becoming special to me. I lied that my day would still be complete even if he's not around. 

Sometimes, I find myself confused with my own feelings, should I be sad or should I be happy? I would lose my appetite every time my mind is clouded with these thoughts. 

Does it still hurt?

Love was something I fantasized ever since I first fell in love. I fantasized about Sukjin oppa, our future family and children, and new home. Love has always sounded so sacred in my ears. The love that I fantasized in so long wasn't supposed to be painful, but I guess it isn't really love if it's not painful. Joohyuk helped me understand that. 

One day, I stood in his room and we had one of those talks wherein he wasn't just a patient, but a friend of mine. I was called in his room that day when he'd insisted he wouldn't eat lunch if I wasn't there. "Hey Nam Joohyuk, what is wrong with you? You do know I'm a busy woman, right? I don't have time for this —" he cut me out as he handed me a banana. I stared at him, puzzled. 

"You haven't been eating well," he spoke coolly. "So I'm offering my lunch. Here." 

"No thanks, I eat a lot." I lied. 

"No, you don't. You barely eat. You think your admirer don't see you not eating at the cafeteria?" He was serious. It was somewhat uncomfortable. 

"I don't want to," I refused. 

"Please eat with me. I won't assume things," he said. 

"What...do you mean?" I asked.

Then he went on, "You think that if you accept anything from me, I would assume that you like me back. You don't have to worry, I'm not like that. I know you don't like me, Doctor Bae Suzy." 

I looked away, miserably failing to hide my blush. "I wasn't thinking that. Just give me that banana,” I told him before seizing the banana from his grip and eating it as prettily as I could. "Hurry up and eat your food too,” I maffled.

He chuckled, "Has anyone ever told you that you eat prettily, my Bae?"

"Sukjin oppa," I answered carelessly. "Um, it's a bad habit. I always wanted to look pretty in front of him. Now that I think about it, that was a dumb move. I wish I would've done better."

"Does it still hurt?" He asked, and I nodded slowly. "You'll be okay. We can't keep on looking back to the past, hoping to change whatever we can to avoid any regrets. Everything happens for a reason. We just have to keep on moving forward. The only time you should ever look back, is to see how far you've come. You're a doctor now, aren't you?" 

"Yeah," I sighed. 

"Minyoung was her name," he shared. 

"Huh?" I raised an eyebrow. 

"The girl I loved for thirteen years was Minyoung. She got married to her boyfriend almost two years ago," he carried on while I remained silent and curious, "I had a huge crush on her since I was ten. We were always together. She was older than me, but I wanted to be her knight in shining armor. I worked at an early age because I wanted to help with her college tuition. I used to ditch anyone, including my family, just to be with her. I was demoted to a patrol officer because I tried to cover up her mistakes, and yet I still cared deeply for her. I proposed to her, but she said she wasn't ready yet. Six months later, I found out she got engaged to her boss and that she was pregnant," he laughed quietly, "Love can turn us into fools, there's no running away from that. In my case, I fell too hard and gave my all that I've almost forgotten about myself and what I deserve," Then he looked up at me and smiled so bright as if he never had problems. "My bae," he called ever so sweetly, "I know you can do better than me. Whenever you decide to open up your heart to other people, don't forget about yourself and what you deserve. And once you're ready, don't stop your heart. Just love, don't hold back. Know that there will always be pain, just don't focus too much on it, or you'll miss the rainbow." 

When he smiled, he was more than beautiful. He was enticing, and I was a fool who was afraid of falling into another trap and get hurt again after another eleven years or less. Nam Joohyuk was indeed like a beautiful photograph I wanted to carry with me everyday, and yet I couldn't help but wonder if someone like me even deserved to keep someone as precious as him in my life. 

Our conversation was cut short when a knock was heard and two casual looking guys entered the room. When Joohyuk saw them, he looked very happy and excited. "Hyung!" He exclaimed before the smaller guy in a navy blue coat ran to embrace him. "Joohyuk-ah, I miss you so much." 

"I know, I know. I miss you too, hyung," Joohyuk mumbled gently, patting the back of his supposedly brother. Meanwhile, the other guy, the brunette one just stood there and watched them with a cold expression on his face. It seemed like a happy reunion for Joohyuk and his family, so I wanted to give them the space. However, before I could leave the room, Joohyuk hastily called me back by that absurd nickname he gave me, "My Bae!" That brother of his almost looked concerned, while the other guy just gave me a disapproving glare. 

"My bae, why are you leaving so soon? I haven't introduced you to my brother yet," he said as he intoduced the people in the room, "this short guy right here is my older brother, Luhan. And that gloomy guy over there is his boyfriend, Oh Sehun."

"Boyfriend?" I blinked in wonder. "Ah, I see. Nice to meet you. I'm Bae Suzy, I'm Joohyuk's friend — doctor. I'm a doctor here," I finished briefly before heading out with an unnecessary feeling of nervousness. "I better get back to work. Take care." 

Once I was outside, I managed to let out a sigh of relief which I had been keeping since that awkward moment in his room. I couldn't believe I just called myself his friend. Humorously, I even carried the banana peel from the banana he gave me and kept it in my pocket instead of throwing it away. Even when he wasn't around, I would keep on smiling to myself every time I looked at that banana peel and thought about how he saved that banana for me to eat. 

"He's so thoughtful," I smiled and laughed quietly. "So cuteeeeee!"