Changkyun sighed heavily as though he was expelling all the air in his body at once, curling in on himself in hopes that he was making his being smaller. He tucked his chin to his chest, eyes locked on the floor in humiliation as he tried to clear his head and get his thoughts going again instead of leaving them stuck in their rut. He wanted so badly to avoid his own self but it was hard to do when he still cared so much. With a quiet grunt, he lifted his head again and stared into the mirror that hung in the employee break room of his workplace. His frown remained, sad furrow of his brows as he took in his appearance. 

He studied himself intensely in the mirror for the nth time that day, turning and angling his body at every point and taking in every possible detail. He slowly smoothed his shirt over his body with one shaking hand, the sight of it rippling up his spine. He changed his mind almost immediately and roughly pulled his shirt away to try and create some more room so it wasn't as fitting and hid his form. He was searching to see if anything looked wrong in his appearance, or perhaps if anything looked right. To him, nothing did because his body was not how he wanted it and he couldn’t even help that for a few more months. Much to his dismay, he suddenly found himself looking pregnant. 

He'd gone to bed the night before with what looked like some extra weight he'd been carrying, and woke up the next morning with the sudden rounding of his lower abdomen. Hyungwon had been awake with him, working on a final paper that was due that day at noon and tying up loose ends. While Hyungwon was someone that Changkyun could confide in when he was having a hard time, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place as he found that he couldn't openly speak about his body's changes with someone else. It was against everything that was etched into his brain after years of insecurity and negative self-talk. He would rather die than talk about all the weight he was gaining and how fat he looked now. 

It didn't help as Hyungwon noticed his small bump and gently, although unnecessarily stated that he had 'finally popped'. He had a proper bump now, no longer looking as though he’d gained a substantial amount of weight. Hyungwon made sure to tell him that there was barely anything and that it was still easily concealable, even adding in some kind words as though reassuring him that he still looked great. But Hyungwon's opinion didn't matter to Changkyun because his own opinion of himself was the most harmful and long-lasting, the one that mattered to him most. He looked pregnant, and his mind was telling him that he hated it even more than he had before. While Hyungwon was sweet and in any other context it would be appreciated, Changkyun wanted to leave as quickly as possible to avoid more conversation similar to this, preferring no one talk about his body right now. He was forcing himself not to run out of the room in shame, heart pounding in his chest in overwhelming rhythms. Taking his time and reminding himself to keep breathing, he moved to get dressed and with the intent to do so as calmly as possible, he ran into yet another problem. 

He'd thought his jeans were tight before, now he couldn't button them at all. He would need to wear his largest, and by default, last pair of fitting jeans to work that day. How mortifying, but no, the universe wasn't done with him yet because when he slipped his uniform shirt over his head, it showcased his bump more than he would care to admit and the anxiety that gripped his esophagus was enough to make his head hurt, seeing that round bump that replaced what had started out as a flat stomach. His cheeks warmed and fingers turned cold as they itched, wanting nothing more than to simply take off the new bump and discard of his problems. He seemed to work on autopilot then, body moving on its own as though he was disassociating to deal with the mental trauma he seemed to be carding through. Not wanting to be late to work and spend a second longer scrutinizing his appearance, he left his dorm room wrapped in his largest sweatshirt and his coat, discouraged and hyperaware of his body, hiding from all eyes. 

The detriment furthered when he asked his manager for a new uniform shirt with downcast eyes. There hadn't been any explanation given, one hadn't been needed, and he was handed a larger shirt to wear. Once in his clutch, Changkyun had scurried off to the employee break room as fast as possible in hopes that he could avoid further discussion of his body. He just needed to get behind that counter and start working and he would be distracted enough to not think about how much he hated his body and its constantly changing shape. With someone as insecure as Changkyun experiencing something so embarrassing, all he wanted to do was completely vanish. 

After fixing his shirt to the best of his abilities without looking like an absolute blob, Changkyun took some deep and soul-refreshing breaths as a way of calming himself before he had to go and deal with people. He put on his customer service smile and demeanor, readying himself for the long shift ahead of him. He was trying to remain positive even in his state of shock because considering things, he was doing okay and he’d just received some very good news. When Changkyun had walked in that morning and spoken with his manager, before he'd asked for a larger shirt, he offered the student the position as supervisor when he returned to campus from break. Changkyun immediately accepted, feeling as though his hard work was recognized and rewarded appropriately with a great opportunity. The new position meant better pay and that was something he needed desperately right now and in the future. This baby was going to be expensive and there was no way he was going to make it work without a larger paycheck to aid in his survival, and baby excluded, life is expensive in general. More money was always a good thing. 

But that was after break, which was in a few more weeks. Speaking of break, Changkyun was very much looking forward to not having to slave over school assignments and not working for a few weeks. Today was his last day at his job before he left to go home for Christmas break in three days. Having a job and working was a blessing but he needed some time to himself where he wasn’t working his off to make others happy. He needed to focus only on himself and relax for a second because he deserved that damn it. Changkyun was starting to feel the strain of pregnancy and he still had so long to go before he would feel relief from it. It was disconcerting but with the promise of rest and relaxation in his near future for a few days even though anxious ridden, it was motivating him to work hard and do well so he could end his year on a good note. 

This shift didn't feel all too long and didn't drag through the hours. There had been no complaining customers and no huge messes to clean up, it had been steadily busy without being overly so and there was really nothing to complain about. Despite the rocky start to his morning, Changkyun wasn't having too terrible of a day. It was after work that he was dreading, still having to finish one more final before he would be officially done with his first semester of college. He was sleepy and needed a nap but he had to wait a few more hours until he could accomplish that and lose all care he had stored in his body. He made it a goal to sleep as long as he could to the point where he couldn't sleep anymore over the weekend, the next day in fact. He was probably going to have to get up a few times so he could pee, all courtesy of the baby boy sitting on his bladder, but that wasn't going to deter him from going back to sleep. He was exhausted all the time and he just wanted one day where he could sleep as much as he wanted without having to get up and do anything he didn't want to do. He was so excited for tomorrow, he honestly was. Sadly, he had responsibilities to attend to first. 

"I'll start that right up for you," Changkyun assured his customer after taking their order. He had written it down to make sure every detail was accounted for and not forgotten, setting it to the side and out of the way. His other coworkers were bustling around him and doing their own tasks, keeping busy and leaving Changkyun with no conversation to keep his mind occupied. This allowed him to wander in thought and there was the reminder of his bump. More than once his newly found bump had bumped into his workspace whether that be the prep table or the grill bumper, sending shock through his body as though he was in pain. It was distracting and Changkyun grimaced every time he noticed the change, even though minuscule, while simultaneously worrying that maybe it was bothering the baby. His uncertainty towards everything involved with the baby was baffling and it made it harder to conclude a cohesive thought. He tried not to dwell on it especially when he was at work, but it was hard when it was part of his body and constantly adjacent. 

The snack bar was slowing down, the post-lunch business typically vacant as both students and teachers went back to class. Changkyun was just thinking about what he could do next to keep himself occupied when something suddenly changed. It wasn't something he was prepared for, a sudden and strange stirring in his lower abdomen. He was easily able to disregard it at first since it was so small and it could easily be muscles twitching, but then it grew stronger and after maybe a minute of feeling it with no dissipation, Changkyun fully comprehended what was happening to him. He was feeling the baby move. 

While phenomenal at first, a spark of joy and amazement bubbling in his stomach, the sudden panic that coursed through his veins was incredibly more overwhelming and Changkyun felt incapable of doing anything more. A clean hand raised to cover his mouth, to stifle the confused noise he felt was trying to manifest. Whether in protest or delight, it was hard to decipher at first because all Changkyun could think was holy , the baby is moving. His body was starting to shake and he needed to get out of there, to be by himself, to process. 

There was one of his coworkers standing in the food prep area and he was keeping watch for customers that could walk up and order. Whether it be a quickly calculated action or his flight instincts, Changkyun figured it was okay to escape and he left without a word to be by himself, a little too quickly to seem normal. He had no idea where he was going and it was as though he had lost time and the last few seconds until he found himself hiding in the freezer, clutching his arms and holding himself as the panic set in, chest nearly heaving. The freezer was miserable and barely anyone walked in unless they had to and there would be no reason for intrusion now. It was the perfect place to isolate and panic alone. 

While he knew this was coming and he had been told by his OB/GYN that he would feel 'the quickening' soon, he hadn't been mentally prepared for it actually happening. He thought he had been, but obviously not. 

The baby had weaseled his way into Changkyun's heart, making his presence known so that there was no way Changkyun couldn't accept him. He was okay with the baby by now, having accepted what was happening, but it was moments like these that made it still so terrifying and overwhelming. He had known for months that he was pregnant, but now he found himself thinking that there was an actual baby in there. He thought it'd been established when he'd gone to his appointments, but evidently not. He’s seen the pictures, had them tucked away safely in his wallet and in his desk drawer. There were obvious signs that he was pregnant, like his bump and the fact that he's been gaining weight and throwing up constantly, but now it’s truly real. He’s feeling his baby move and it is absolutely terrifying. 

Changkyun tried to focus on the movement for a second, shivering in the cold of the freezer. It was still happening, tiny little flutters right under his belly button and resonating within his soul. Pressing a hand to his bump where he could feel movement, he found that he couldn't feel it from the outside yet. Then the thought of feeling movement like this externally and on his hand was even more terrifying than feeling it simply internally. Sighing deeply, he lifted a hand to cover his mouth, stifling his shock and trying not to let curses slip through. His hand resting on his newfound bump, tucked just above the waistband of his jeans, he wasn't sure what he was doing since he didn't often do this. Changkyun hated touching his stomach, now bump. It somehow made the action too personal since he felt there was no connection with the baby yet, but it was also subconscious and innate. It was strange and scary. 

Depsite not thinking about it for some time, he was then reminded how uncomfortable he was with his body's changes. With the baby moving and now his insecurities returning with full force was self-destructive. Changkyun again thought how much easier everything would be if he wasn't pregnant. There, hiding in the freezer, his life would be so much easier if he hadn't chickened out. He wouldn't have to worry about so many things at once and he wouldn't be stressed out of his mind. He wouldn't have a squirming person inside of him and he wouldn't have to worry about that new development over Christmas break with his family. 

What is he going to do when he goes home in three days? How is he going to act normal when he knows there's a living person in his belly that can move freely and distract him at any given moment? How is he going to keep this a secret from his mother and father any longer? Everything was going to be impossible and he had no faith in his plan to keep this confidential as long as possible. His parents were going to be livid and he wasn't so confident he was going to reach his nineteenth birthday by the time break was over. 

Changkyun would need to pray to God and beg for mercy, to spare his life and give him a second chance. Or maybe even the ability to stay still and stoic if the baby were to move when his parents were around. If he didn't learn to stay still before going home, it would be an instant give away if either his mother or father were watching him carefully. He couldn't risk that. 

The mental storm raging in his head was overpowering and Changkyun felt himself start to tear up, but with the frigidity of the freezer, it could have been his eyes starting to ice over as well. His life was dangling on a cliff by the fingernails and with one wrong move, he'd be at the bottom of that chasm, broken and alone. Too much was happening and he again had the dilemma of lack of faith. Both his hands moved to scrub hard at his face, wanting to rid the feeling of crawling under his skin. Nothing was going right and he felt his body collapsing in on itself, breaking down every atom and tendril as the anxiety completely encompassed his being. Changkyun was starting to lose it and he was getting lost in his emotions, a dangerous maze of never-ending torture. 

Luckily, the entrance of someone else in the freezer startled Changkyun out of his thoughts and crisis, straightening up and ridding himself of everything that was telling of his situation. He was minutely thankful he had taught himself how to hide his true disposition so well, not particularly wanting someone he worked with to find him so disoriented and uncollected. Feigning likeness was able to temporarily knock him from his crisis and allow reprieve so he could focus and speak. 

It was the coworker he'd left at food prep walking in, brows furrowed in worry and curiosity, "Hey, hyung. Are you doing okay?" he asked, sounding genuinely concerned. He was new to the team and was a high school student who lived close to campus, allowed to work alongside college students due to his online workload instead of going to public school. Woobin was his name and he was kind yet reserved. To find that he chose to speak up when he usually didn't, further encouraged Changkyun to answer and break out of his mental shell. It was a sham, but he didn't want to bring up his own personal trauma with someone he barely knew. That would be uncomfortable and absurd and he wanted so desperately to avoid such a thing. 

"I was getting hot so I stepped in here to cool down," good cover up, "I was just about to step out," Changkyun claimed, even though a total lie. Had he not been intercepted, he might have stayed in the freezer until he couldn't feel his fingers anymore. Why he was assuring Woobin he didn't know, but maybe it was indirectly for him instead, reminding him that he had that option of leaving, "I promise."

"Okay," Woobin frowned, unconvinced but not wanting to press further. Changkyun obviously wasn't going to talk about it with him, so there was no point pressing further to get something out of him, "Don't stay in here too much longer or you'll get sick," he warned very concernedly. Even though reluctant, the younger did leave and walk out of the walk-in freezer, leaving Changkyun to his own devises and thoughts once more. Changkyun felt bad for making his coworker worry, he felt silly for letting himself nearly lose control over something as small as his baby moving. His baby moving. 

He quickly collected himself with a shake of his head and hands before he walked out, the average room temperature of the restaurant feeling uncomfortably warm as he stepped out of the cold, thawing his frozen features. The issues remained, nothing was solved, but the baby had stopped moving and Changkyun was able to focus the tiniest bit more, even though the reminder was still attached to his body. 

His mind was racing differently than before, no longer panic-driven but instead, his practical side trying to make sense of the situation now that he was tranquil and level headed thanks to the interruption. There was still so much he had to consider and touch base on when it came to his life and what his future held. Three points of view were attacking his brain and forcing himself to think further about the existence that he was living and how he was going to juggle his responsibilities.

He silently cursed his reaction to everything that was less than satisfactory to him, or anything different. So many people could handle this so much better than him and yet here he was, panicking over his baby moving, something that so many people celebrated and rejoiced. He felt like a fool, truly. In all honesty, brain clearing and true feelings manifesting, he felt like a bad father already, and that was something he was most afraid of. If he was going to be a father at all, he'd rather be a good one, one that his son can rely on, and a father his son won't be afraid of. There was so much he wanted right, he wanted to be something his father wasn't for him. But he had a long way to go before he could claim to be a 'good' father, and that was disheartening while also motivating. 

His brain was starting to overload with all that was on his mental to do list and he just wanted this day to be over with so he could go back to his room and lay down. He didn't want to talk about it to anyone, he wanted to stay silent and shut his brain off, shut out the world and ignore his issues for a second. 

But he also had to admit to himself, even the tiniest bit, maybe even a morsel of a complete thought, now that the panic had dissipated and settled in his mind, Changkyun felt the tiniest bit of parental pride. His baby was moving and that was pretty remarkable. Even though it brought a world of hurt to himself and it triggered fear in his being, he could hardly deny that he didn't feel the flutters of excitement in the deepest corners of his heart, beating the joy through his vessels until he could feel the tingle of exhilaration in his fingertips. Even though his son was unintentionally destroying his life, it was still a moment to remember and one that Changkyun would cherish despite his inability to admit that to himself. 

He couldn't force himself more mental strain right now, not when he had finals to finish and work to focus on. Life kept getting ahead of him and he was just trying to survive as much and as far as he could. He just had to finish finals first and that would be one less worry on his long list of many, and he could offer himself some leisure to this affliction that was living. 

-------

Changkyun kept his eyes down, focusing in on the undone zipper of his heavy coat with his fingers knocking the pull tab around to entertain himself. There wasn't much to listen to except for the faint Christmas music that was playing over the car radio. It was jolly and vibrant, a hilarious contrast to his current mood and internal dilemma. He could feel his heart thrumming in his throat, nearly closing due to his lungs preventing air from entering them as his body fought hard to collect itself. It was hard to stay tranquil when his body was nearly in a state of shock, anxiety crushing him with the upcoming events of going home and his current state in the car.

He was going to be with his mother and father in a good two hours, a terrible strategic move that would surely mean his end. And there was also the fact that he was sitting next to Jooheon in the car. That hadn't been planned, and it had Changkyun a little on edge. It was he, Jooheon, Hoseok, and Hyungwon in the car on their ways home together. But sitting there now surrounded by so many people, Changkyun wished he had taken either the bus or train home. 

Hoseok was spending Christmas break with Hyungwon's family, feeling it was time they finally met in person after dating their son for so many months and what better time to do so when it was the holidays and when everyone was happy? Hyungwon figured it was just to get on his mother and father's good side, even though he knew his boyfriend had reserved expanse just for the older in their hearts already. Hoseok sat passenger side seat, leaving Changkyun and Jooheon in the back by default. 

Changkyun had known Hoseok would be joining in on this car ride to Gwangju, of course he knew, but he hadn't been aware of Jooheon hitching a ride. He was leaving for home today as well and from what Hyungwon had told him, there had been no great bus routes home for Jooheon since some were closed down for repairs and it would make his trip twice as long and twice as miserable. To make it easier on his friend, he offered a ride to drop him at the train station since Daegu was in the opposite direction of Gwangju. Jooheon gratefully accepted the offer, but Hyungwon had failed to mention it to Changkyun. It had been a surprise to him when Hyungwon stopped in front of a cluster of dorm buildings to pick Jooheon up, but Changkyun managed to hold his own and remain collected and stoic. He wasn't going to give Jooheon the satisfaction of his shock when it seemed that Jooheon was searching for a reaction upon his entry of the car. He wished to remain indifferent, as though this was no big deal. No words were exchanged, they were silent. 

On the way to the train station, Jooheon wasn't trying to engage in any conversation and was instead wrapped up in his phone. It was something Changkyun was thankful for, but Jooheon's mere presence was enough to set him on edge as he combatted his anxiety-ridden heart. The further he was in his pregnancy he realized, with the development of the baby and Jooheon's further interest in them both, the more uneasy he grew. Changkyun wasn't sure what it was exactly, but more than once he pictured the absolute devastation that would occur if Jooheon were to decide he didn't want to be a part of the baby's life, leaving him alone and to deal with his son on his own. There was also the inclusion of resentment that came with the ability to just walk away from this. Changkyun couldn't do that, not morally and not consciously. It was too disheartening to do on his own will, but Jooheon could do as he pleased, and that was the worst thing in Changkyun's opinion. Changkyun didn't have that kind of freedom, he wouldn't allow himself that kind of freedom. 

Changkyun pinched his thigh to distract himself from spiraling into something worse, instead focusing on his other issues at hand. This was supposed to be a time of excitement as students returned to their mothers and fathers to spend the holidays together, but all Changkyun could feel was a deep and dark dread stuck in his throat and sinuses. He was bringing his biggest secret to his home where his parents lived. Where they would surely find out if he let his guard down and grow absolutely livid with him. There was no way they wouldn't react horribly to the news and that was terrifying, whether that be within the day or much later.

If his parents found out he was pregnant during his time home, Changkyun's life would end right then and there with no inkling of mercy. His anxiety was at dangerous levels and he wondered if he should have stayed home this break and work some more? Break be damned, he couldn't relax if he was constantly hiding from his parents and lying. 

Changkyun reached into his pocket and pulled out the packet of gum he always had on his person, a habit he kept when he felt nauseous all thanks to Kihyun. He was getting so anxious he was making himself feel sick to his stomach. He popped a stick in his mouth and chewed, the only noise he could hear other than the music flitting through the car. It wasn't an immediate fix, but it did help to calm him down in the slightest and maybe help clear his head for a good second before everything would return with intense fervency. 

His moment of reprieve lasted exactly that long, a moment before the painful silence within the car was getting to him and he thought he might speak up before Hoseok was suddenly shouting and filling the previously quiet car with annoyed sonance, "No! Change it back! That's my favorite song!" he started to clamber over the car stereo as Hyungwon tried to bat his hands away while simultaneously driving. He was doing a good job of blocking his advancements and Changkyun minutely wondered how he was doing so well while also watching the road. It was enough to knock him out of his funk and get his brain out of the rut it stuck itself in by focusing on the occurring drama. Thankfully he was out of that now. Anxiety was a real . 

"Wonho, baby! It's overplayed and overrated!" Hyungwon bickered back, placing his hand flat on the stereo, accidentally switching stations but not to the original station that was playing the song he didn't want to hear. It was yet another Christmas song, one of those songs that not many knew the words to but could recognize within one second of listening, "It's one of those songs you can only listen to once before wanting to never hear it again." 

"How dare you speak about Mariah Carey that way!" Hoseok shouted, sounding appalled and scandalized, voice rising in pitch as he grew mock insulted, "That song is the greatest Christmas song of all time!" he reached out once more to change the station but Hyungwon was too fast for him, blocking his ability to change anything with a loud smack on the back of the hand, "Come on! Changkyun! Don't you agree that it's the greatest Christmas song of all time?" Hoseok was then asking as he turned over his shoulder to face him, almost pleading Changkyun to agree with him. Hoseok was so sincere it was scary and Changkyun felt like he had to agree. But he couldn't. 

Changkyun had only caught a second of All I Want For Christmas Is You and he was immediately siding with Hyungwon. It was a classic, yes, and it wasn't Christmas without it, but he swore he had already heard it play twice since they were in the car, hence Hyungwon changing stations so incessantly. Perhaps if he had heard it play for the third time in that car ride, he would have asked for someone to change the station, "It's always on the radio, so maybe it won't be so bad that we skip it this once, hyung," he didn't want to state the full truth of his opinion and he tried to remain slight, but appeared unconfident with his shoulders raised. Hoseok looked genuinely hurt by Hyungwon's words and it was kind of scary seeing him so emotional about a common Christmas song. 

"You too?" Hoseok asked, looking down-trod as he saw right through Changkyun's attempt at saving his feelings. That wasn't what he was hoping to hear at all, and now he felt as though he was hurting Hoseok's feelings further. Changkyun was a people pleaser in the right situation, and this was one of them. 

"I think it's a pretty universal opinion," Jooheon chimed in, lowering his phone to rest locked on his thigh, "We heard it earlier, let's listen to Carol of the Bells for now and then when it comes back on the radio later we won't skip. Sound good?" it was the compromise Changkyun had been struggling to suggest and he was glad it ended up being thrown out there, "I think if I hear Mariah Carey's voice one more time I'm hopping out of this car." 

"Then you better tuck and roll next time it comes on," Hoseok humphed as he settled for the compromise, turning and crossing his arms over his chest like a toddler who had just been told no. Changkyun couldn't hold back the laugh he felt come up, amazed that someone as muscular and intimidating as Hoseok could be so juvenile and cute. It was a hilarious contrast, "You've just ruined the spirit of Christmas forever." 

Changkyun chuckled again and lowered his gaze to his lap again, feeling much better than he was before. There was another moment of silence as Hyungwon and Hoseok delved into their own conversation that didn't really call for Changkyun's involvement, so he readied himself to sit back and decompress until the next time he was spoken to. Which happened to be much sooner than he anticipated, and from someone he'd rather not speak to at the moment. 

"Are you excited to go back home?" Jooheon was suddenly asking Changkyun, catching him off guard and knocking the younger from his thoughts without warning. He was also hoping to avoid all conversation with Jooheon, feeling wildly uncomfortable and unsure of what to say when he was so out of it. It was an easy question if you had a normal and happy family, but Changkyun had a very complicated relationship with his family and it wasn't so easy to dumb down. 

"Yes, and no," Changkyun answered honestly with hesitation in his voice, gum-chewing halted, "I've missed them but I'm not too excited to be around them when I'm..." he couldn't bring himself to say it after training himself the past few days not to say words like pregnant, baby, or anything of the sort that would blow his cover. It was to get himself in the mindset as though there was nothing different about him and that he wasn't carrying around his parents' grandson. Jooheon understood though, he could see the way Changkyun stiffened as his parents were brought up, "They don't know yet, and I don't want them to know yet. I'm not mentally ready for that conversation. And the absolute show that will follow," a hand raised to scrub at his face, feeling the anxiety worsen in his stomach and make his brain throb with an oncoming headache. Jooheon was helping none with that. 

Changkyun hadn't spoken in-depth about his parental issues with Jooheon before and it felt a bit freeing to mention even the tiniest detail. He let everything build up inside and letting it out now for someone to hear, he could feel his shoulders lowering in relief and muscles loosen as tension released. Imagine expressing all his fears and anxiety openly; he'd be a puddle of goo then. 

Glancing over, Changkyun noticed how Jooheon's eyes were focused on his bump as though speculating if it was real or not. Looking down at it himself, he couldn't see anything which was something he had worked hard on. He couldn't show up to his parents' house proudly displaying his baby bump. He had to stay hidden, but even then, Changkyun felt like he could still see it. He felt huge, he felt vulnerable, and he felt like a target that anyone could aim in on. Feeling those emotions and warning signs now, Changkyun quickly interrupted Jooheon before he could add in his two cents on the topic. He didn't want to hear it, "Are you excited to go back home? Will you see your sister or Olivia at all?" 

Jooheon squinted in skepticism when he was prevented from speaking up, figuring that Changkyun was purposefully steering the conversation away from his personal issues so he didn't have to get into it with him. He didn't want a fight right before they departed and wouldn't see each other for a few weeks, so he complied and spoke. He could always hear about Changkyun's trauma later, "Gongju noona, her husband, and Oli are flying in tomorrow. They'll be staying at our house the whole time until the week I go back to school and I'm so excited!" he sounded very excited indeed, body language changing within moments as his thoughts shifted to his sister and her family. His dimples were out in full force and Changkyun couldn't help but smile back, his own dimples flashing back brightly. 

"You call her Oli?" he asked, voice rising slightly in pitch as he felt his heart melt a little. That kind of feeling didn't happen often and he was surprised it was happening now over a fleeting detail. 

"We do," Jooheon gushed, tongue sticking between his teeth to keep himself from squealing, a ridiculous smile lighting up his face. He looked like a kid in a candy store, "We rarely ever call her by her full name now. Oli is just too cute of a name." 

"It is," Changkyun agreed, "A cute, little name for a cute, little girl." 

Jooheon giggled and looked down at his lap, biting his lip to keep himself from smiling even larger. Changkyun continued to watch and noticed the way Jooheon composed himself, preventing himself from getting carried away. It was surprisingly eye-opening about his character. 

"I can't wait to hold her. Apparently, she can sit up on her own now," Jooheon stated proudly before his smile faltered. He had to correct himself after being a little too pretentious, "Well, not on her own. She still needs some help, but she's getting there. But she is a pro at rolling over! Gongju noona always sends videos of her doing it and I have so many unnecessary videos in my camera roll. It's really taking up my iCloud space," he laughed, picking his phone up again so he could find the most recent video before leaning over and showing Changkyun, "See! There she goes!" 

Changkyun watched as Olivia rolled over from her back to her tummy and it was indeed fascinating. He couldn't help but notice just how cuter she was than the last time he had seen her pictures. She was starting to look like a real person now, rather than a wrinkly blob and it was remarkable. Babies changed so fast and it was bizarre. Olivia was adorable and without asking, Jooheon showed Changkyun more pictures of his niece and with each photo, the stronger his fondness grew for this baby he had never met before. It was odd, but warming. He figured this is how everyone reacted when they saw pictures of babies, or saw a baby in person. 

The tone between the two of them shifted in the slightest, still staying warm and airy but containing a heavier set tone for something that was pointed and concerned. When Jooheon had finished sharing photos, he faced Changkyun and the younger immediately noticed his changed demeanor and how inviting it was, how careful. Before Changkyun could decode his expression further, Jooheon was talking again, "I know it's probably not something you want to hear, and it's a little out of nowhere, but if you ever need anything or need anyone to talk to, I'm always a call or a text away. Okay?" Jooheon assured with a soft smile, dimples returning in a flash and making Changkyun smile in acknowledgment, his dimples peeking through. Jooheon hadn't seen them very much and he was glad he was able to catch a glimpse at them now. It meant he was able to get to his heart even a little bit, something he hadn't been too successful with before. 

It caught him off guard yet again, not something Changkyun had considered even minutely. He had always been content with limiting conversations to when they were together and not indulging in anymore, but after having such a pleasant few minutes of just gushing over baby pictures and opening up to him even a little bit, he didn't mind the idea. Changkyun was surprised at his own thoughts, but after all this time of him antagonizing Jooheon, he might as well give him a proper chance. 

"I'd like that," Changkyun uttered gratefully. He realized then just how much the anxiety had fled from his body, replacing it with a bright air that he wasn't entirely used to. This was after finally speaking to Jooheon and he realized how silly he was, but he couldn't help it when his mind wandered as much as it did and his heart was barricaded protectively. It just took some time. He eventually got places when he let himself do so. 

"I think it would be awesome if we regularly kept in touch while we're at home. So don't be a stranger," Jooheon pointed with a serious expression, brows furrowed with a small smile on his lips to clarify that he wasn't threatening him. It was in no way intimidating and was instead almost comical. Jooheon was not a scary person, even when they were fighting because Changkyun was an equal match when it came to their past altercations. Changkyun couldn't say they wouldn't get into any more fights in the future, but he could only hope. 

"I can do that," Changkyun nodded, making a mental reminder to try and text Jooheon while at home. In reality, Changkyun thought that was really sweet and would especially enjoy that. It could clear up the last bits of clinging awkwardness that refused to let Changkyun live and get to enjoy his time with Jooheon. But there was more to it than that, "I'll have to warn you though, I won't respond much during the day when I'm around my parents," his smile was gone within a second of saying what he had, and he was now baring a lopsided frown, still trying to hide his fear of visiting his parents from Jooheon's vision, "They'd get suspicious and ask questions that I can't answer. I don't think I can lie to them when I'm already lying about so much, so might as well not be on my phone around them," it was something he had been planning for a week, limiting his time on the phone with anyone who would be messaging him. When he was home regularly they were already asking who he was on the phone with and if he were to bring up Jooheon then that would be disastrous. They would push and push until they got their answer and Changkyun couldn't risk that at all. 

"They're that bad?" Jooheon asked, foregoing politeness and really speaking his mind on the matter. He had wondered what Changkyun's parents were like before but he hadn't thought they would be that unpleasant. Noting the look of surprise on Changkyun's face at his question, he backtracked and corrected himself the best he could, "I mean... You're really that afraid of saying anything to them? In fear that you'll be judged and criticized?"

It was a valid inquiry, but Changkyun was not willing to give an in-depth answer, anxiety returning in full and keeping his tongue still. They didn't have that much left of the car ride to get into his family history and his personal horrors with his parents. They would need a few more hours for that, "Yes," he lowered his eyes back down to his lap. He started chewing the forgotten gum in his mouth again, filling his head with the noises of his own chewing, too much to effectively think past, "I am."

Jooheon quieted down and nodded, understanding that there was no more to be said. He was slowly learning what he could and could not say around Changkyun, "I see. I'm sorry," he sounded genuine and as though he had been scolded and it really hurt Changkyun to hear. It was his own doing that made him sound so put down. 

Changkyun felt as though he should speak up again and amend his mistakes, maybe explain a little more about his hesitances and his complicated family dynamic, but Hyungwon beat him to it as the older spoke up. He said a short prayer under his breath that neither Hyungwon nor Hoseok were listening in on their conversations, "We're really close to the platform so pay attention and get your money out," he spoke as though he hadn't heard anything, there was nothing important he was interrupting, and Changkyun was thankful for that, whether he had heard them or not, "And you have plenty of time until your train gets here. We could stick around a bit, maybe get some lunch and hang out until it's time for you to board." 

It was far too early for lunch, but Changkyun was keen anyway. He always was as of recently when it came to food. 

"I don't want to put a damper on your travel time, and it's too early for lunch," damn, "And I'd rather sit and wait for the train rather than cut it close by arriving later," he shuffled in his coat pocket, presumably his wallet, "Your mom is expecting you at noon sharp, and she'll be upset if you show up late," he chuckled, finally pulling his wallet out and searching for cash in the slots. 

"She will not," Hyungwon insisted, face scrunched in an annoyed grimace, "She's meeting Hoseokkie and she can't be meeting him in a bad mood," not like she would be anyway. His mother was purely a sweetheart, "You're sure you don't want us to stick around a little longer?" he asked for clarification, features softening. Even though Hyungwon liked to tease and poke fun, he would never lose that caring side that was genuinely concerned with his friends. 

"Nah, go ahead and see your families. It's been a few months, hasn't it?" Changkyun didn't miss the glance the older threw his way, "If I had the opportunity to get home faster I would take it." 

"Don't guilt trip us," Hoseok added with a pout, earning him a laugh from Jooheon. Hyungwon released an annoyed sound, that of a groan and a whine and it had Jooheon giggling further as he readied himself to leave. 

"Pop the trunk so I can get my stuff," Jooheon had packed a suitcase, which might have been overkill but who cared? You could never be overprepared. 

Hyungwon did as he was told once Jooheon was out of the car. Jooheon quickly grabbed his belongings and headed towards the platform before changing his mind and turning around to say his goodbyes. He stopped aside the car and spoke through the window Hoseok had graciously rolled down for him, "Have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. And I'll see you in a few weeks," he glanced back to Changkyun in the back seat, making eye contact for the first time since they arrived to the railway station, "Don't forget to text me alright?" 

Changkyun felt his cheeks warm, Hyungwon and Hoseok's attention now on him. He wasn't a fan of eyes on him, or any attention for that matter, "I will, go ahead and leave already," his attempt at a joke. His voice was shaky and unsure, unprepared for a clap back. 

Jooheon chuckled with a sideways smile, smug and amused. He looked back to Hyungwon and Hoseok, "I guess I should leave now." 

"Hurry so I can close the window. It's cold outside," it was indeed cold, about 2° C and Changkyun was starting to feel it in the backseat, a shiver wracking his body and making him curl further into his winter coat. 

"Goodbye!" Jooheon exclaimed once he was turned away from the car, hopping onto the raised platform and waving goodbye before he turned to finally depart, disappearing in the ticketing purchase booth while dragging his suitcase behind him. Hyungwon pulled his car away from the walkway and the remaining three continued on their journey.

But not without turning over his shoulder for a second to tease Changkyun, "What was that goodbye? Sweet, parting farewells? Is there anything you want to tell me?” he wiggled his brows in anticipation but Changkyun wasn't going to give him anything, not that there was even anything to share in the first place. Hyungwon didn't think there was anything anyway but he wouldn't miss a chance to poke fun. 

"Not at all," Changkyun harrumphed, sticking his tongue out once Hyungwon glanced into the rearview mirror. He was still wiggling his brows at him, "Pay attention while you're driving." 

"I am!" Hyungwon defended with a laugh. Changkyun rolled his eyes and looked out the window, noticing that fluffy snowflakes were starting to fall. They were the kinds that would stick and layer everything in a blanket of pristine white, but it was pretty to watch while it lasted. It was enough of a distraction to steer his thoughts away from Jooheon's thoughtful farewell. 

He was starting to realize how kind the older really was, despite his past experiences with him. He might have to remind himself of that the next time Jooheon annoyed him. He only meant well, he knew that now, and Changkyun was the one making things hard. He would need to soften up and let the older into his heart some more. 

-------

"We’re always close by if you need someone to talk to or help you out in any way. Or maybe even just hang out, I don't care, whatever you want," Hyungwon reminded as he shouted through the open car window. This was the loudest he’s ever heard Hyungwon be, he was typically pretty soft spoken, "If not then I'll see you in a few weeks." 

"I'll text you!" Changkyun shouted back with as convincing of a smile as he could muster. He was horribly nervous and even smiling felt like a chore. He was doing his best though and he believed that at a distance it was convincing. Neither Hyungwon nor Hoseok seemed to notice it, "Merry Christmas! Make good decisions!" 

"Happy Holidays!" Hoseok shouted with a very large smile, beating Hyungwon in the farewell, "Stay safe and healthy!" Changkyun flashed a double thumbs up and internally wished he could stay so as well. 

Hyungwon wished his final farewells and the pair were finally departing, driving down the semi-clear roads of the suburban neighborhood Changkyun lived in. He stood in the cold snow and watched until the car disappeared from sight before finally heading further towards the front door of his childhood home. He felt his heart in his abdomen, thrumming terribly fast and making his stomach hurt. He tugged at his sweater further, far away from his body and stretching it out so he could hide his bump. If his mother saw he would be dead and that was that. 

Changkyun took slow steps, stalling and wasting time because he was truly terrified. It registered all too fast when he suddenly found himself standing in front of the door, an arm's length away from turning the doorknob and entering the house. It was such a simple movement yet it seemed nearly impossible to do. Changkyun felt frozen in his spot, both due to the cold nipping at his skin and the pure terror in his body, feet cemented to the ground. He felt a squirm in his lower belly, not butterflies but instead the baby freely stretching his legs. He was the reason it was so hard to return home yet here he was, doing as he pleased and not caring about his father. It annoyed Changkyun to no end, but he couldn't dwell on that more because the door was swinging open and scaring his soul right out of his body. He had an out of body experience as he watched himself jump in panic, features confused and taken aback. His skin was pale too, all too telling of the fact that he was dreading being here. 

"Changkyun ah!" it was his mother who had opened the door with strength and speed, excited to see her son after so long, "Welcome home, son," she greeted as she pulled Changkyun to her and hugged him tightly to her chest. 

Changkyun already didn't enjoy hugs or physical contact, not enjoying the personal levels of affection, but now that he was pregnant and was showing, it made hugging even worse. He had been expecting that welcome home hug, what mother wouldn't give their son a welcome home hug after not seeing them for four months? It was impossible to avoid that and to evade her discovering the bump between her and her son, so Changkyun acted on impulse, a last minute solution, and in his stomach and bump, making himself as small as possible. His mother squeezed tightly around her son and Changkyun was in that little boy as hard as he could. It was nearing painful now, stomach muscles starting to quiver. Another development occurred, making Changkyun’s chest hurt from lack of air. 

Thankfully, his mother had her fill and pulled away to get a good look at her son's face. Changkyun was able to relax a little after that and breathe, "Hi, Mom," Changkyun greeted, trying his best to appear happy to see his mother. If circumstances were normal, he possibly would have been, but that was a hard call as well .  

His mother raised her hands and cupped Changkyun's cheeks, thumbs rubbing over the soft skin as she took in every detail of his features. This was one of those moments where Changkyun felt truly loved by h