Not everything that shines feels like you

The first time Yunho sees him, he stops on his feet, mouth slightly open and crouched eyebrows painting a surprised expression over his face, while trying to put into place the features of the trainee right in front of him, so strangely familiar. Yunho narrows his eyes and follows Taeyong’s lineaments moving impatiently over his face, jumping from his eyes to his nose, from his mouth back to his cheeks and ears, and there’s something among all that beauty that makes his body shiver and his heart stop. The guy bows several times before Yunho finally connects the invisible dots on the guy’s clear skin and suddenly all he can see is Jaejoong. Well, a younger and less troubled version of him, thinner and sharper at the same time, but the similarities are so huge and the shock is so big that even after he has gone away, Yunho has to remind himself to breathe.

The second time Yunho sees him, he is walking down one of the sm hallways when a scream suddenly draws his attention. He opens one of the practice room just in time to see one of the dance instructors yell at Taeyong how he'll never be able to dance. "You’re a failure" he recalls hearing. But what strikes him the most it's the expression the young trainee has printed all over his face, that look full of determination, those eyes firing up with the knowledge that practice makes perfect indeed, that the blood, sweat and tears he spitted on the dance floor will eventually bring him somewhere. And suddenly, like a time machine, he sees a young Jaejoong too, hurt and discouraged by all those people that couldn’t believe in him when he was nobody, when his voice was still so young, broken and imperfect. But it’s among that desperation that Yunho sees that burning gaze too, so utterly determined to prove the world wrong.

The third time Yunho sees him, he has come to terms with their resemblance, but even knowing that, the sight of the young leader doesn't make his reminiscing any less painful. Taeyong is in one of the playroom with his other bandmates and he's taking some dirt off one of them. It’s a simple gesture, probably something the guy didn’t even realize doing, but the small sign of affection gets stuck on Yunho, reminding him of the long forgotten feeling of being taken care so selflessly. And again, so unexpectedly, he gets paralyzed in the middle of the hallway and travels back 10 years to a smiling Jaejoong always making sure their clothes were okay, always making sure he was good. He shuts his eyes closed and travels back to a time in which everything was easier and loving Jaejoong was simpler.

Heechul calls him one night. It's late and cold and all Yunho wants to do is falling asleep in his warm bed, but apparently the other has different plans.

“I've shot a program with nct” he says. “That guy, Taeyong, he's really something”.

Yunho covers his eyes with the back of his hand, “I know”.

“No Yunho, he's-”

“I know” he repeats.

“He's unbelievably similar to Jaejoong. I know. It's not exactly something I wouldn't notice”

“What do you think?”

“What do I think? What do you think I should think?”

“Does it affect you?”

“Of course it does Heechul. Everything concerning Jaejoong affects me” he answers, “But not in a bad way” he tries to articulate. “Somehow I feel him closer” he admits. “Do you think It’s bad? Am I bad for using Taeyong to feel a little less pain?”

Heechul takes a moment before answering.

“He’s not Jaejoong, Yunho. They do look like each other a lot and their personalities are unbelievably similar too. But Taeyong will never fill that hole. Only Jaejoong can, and you know it” he replies. “You’re not bad for wanting to live in an illusion for a while, but it’s not what you’re looking for”.

Yunho smiles behind his hand. “I know” he whispers, a tear coming down his cheek.

Taeyong is not Jaejoong though, and Yunho learns it through the years.

The young boy expresses himself through dancing, by letting his body be a canvas where to paint his emotions in the form of moves; Taeyong feels his own body, he treasures it and builds it with all his strengths day after day. But for Jaejoong his body had always been a cage, a prison trapping his soul inside, that only singing managed to break. When Jaejoong sang, the world around himself stopped, frozen in time in its tiny shapes, while his mind could finally follow the sound of his voice and run way from reality somewhere lost beyond the deep night sky.

And breaking free had never been more beautiful.

Taeyong is a leader and he has the weight of responsibilities hovering over him, pinning his feet to the ground, reminding him to dream, but never too much, ‘cause there's a band he has to drive to success and too many dreams can throw you off your path. But Jaejoong was never like this. Jaejoong was free, a wild spirit spreading his wings over the dullness of the city and running away from the world, a hurricane of feelings always on the edge of overflowing, a neverending waterfall of emotions that always hit you with such a force, it was impossible not to be drawn to it.

If Taeyong was the steady earth whose ground could always hold and support you, Jaejoong was the changing sky above it that made you dream wide awake.

Even though Yunho tried to replace Jaejoong with Taeyong for a while just to feel the former boy closer, just to make his absence a little less unbearable, now that he has realized this wasn’t taking him anywhere, he is not going to abandon Taeyong. He’s going to be present, instead, be there for him when the young boy will need it the most in the ups and downs of his career, and try to succeed there where he feels he failed with Jaejoong. Taeyong is not his band mate and he has no duty to watch over him, but the striking similarities he shares with Jaejoong make it impossible for Yunho to just ignore him. And the regrets of everything he could have helped Jaejoong with, everything he could have saved him from, push him closer and closer to Taeyong to make sure this time there won’t be any regrets keeping him awake at night.

Taeyong is his second chance to be better, to do better.

And Taeyong is not Jaejoong, but that’s ok.

Nb.

I don't know if it was clear in the story, but Yunho is not trying to have a romantic relationship with Taeyong, he's trying to support him like an older brother. Also, when I say he has regrets with Jaejoong, or feels that he failed him, I don't really think Yunho failed or did anything wrong with Jaejoong (for all we know), but I think Yunho might have felt that way at some point, given that he takes the leader role very seriously.