It was horrifying, the moment we stand on our stage without our leader, in front of our fans who are shouting our names with love and expectation. I know full well that we had worked hard enough to not make mistake, but the fear still lingered, all of us quiet, hiding our emotions with smiles and waves. They can't see it, our weakness, cause it can also be used against us.

Next to me was my roommate, Yuju who's eyes serious, lips curved in a small smile but her grip on her mic showed nonetheless the nervousness that tackles us, on my right was Yerin whose eyesmile never fails to keep us smiling, our red ginseng indeed, but the way she held SinB's hands, squeezing them tells me that she too is trying to reassure herself that she's not alone. SinB, as always kept her cool, kept her cold facade with a smile, probably none will realize how she beat herself to practice last night just to make sure everything is going to be perfect with no flaws or mistake, surrounded by her secured arm was our maknae, who kept her innocent smile squeezing SinB's fingers as to try and cool her same-aged friend down, but I know how she's scared to show anything just like we all are. Just like what our doctor told us, We shine even when alone, but what they didn't know is our unhealthy codependence with each other. That we are broken, scared and seemingly defenseless when one is gone.

I held Yerin's other hand and linked my other one to Yuju's, both turning to me as I gave them one reassuring smile. I'm okay... I'll feel it later... I thought to myself. It's not like I don't feel pain when I'm on stage, but maybe SinB is right, my pain always register a bit late. 

As the show ended, we hurriedly shove ourselves inside our van, with erratic breathing and frantic nerves. We're safe now.

I sat on my seat at the back, next to me was SinB who despite with her earnest control over herself is still noticeably unnerve about our performance. We trust each other,