KANG HANA

“Has it been four years?” Joohyun asks me as she takes a cautious glance at me from across the circular coffee table.

I take a spoonful of my favourite chocolate ice cream and nod. By now the pain has numbed, but I still think of him from time to time. “Four years and counting,” I say.

I give her a smile. I try to stretch it wider to make sure it doesn’t look wistful. I don’t want her or any of my friends and family to worry about me, so I try to look okay in front of them after four years. I just don’t think they buy it, that they still keep bugging me to date someone else.

“Are you sure you’re already over Joonmyeon?” she asks, narrowing her eyes at me.

I laugh and say, “of course. It has been four years since he left and we have not been in contact since then. I’m positive that I have moved on.” Biggest lie of the year, but it isn’t like I am admitting that to her ever.

She sighs as if not buying it like everyone else and then leans back, still observing me. With her two fingers, she straightens the creases on her forehead. I bite my lip, guilty that I must be the cause of her stress.

“Then why haven’t you gone out with any of your blind dates? I mean, we set you up with one roughly every two months and you end up not meeting any of them again.” I smile sheepishly and shrug. I’m guilty beyond doubt for the crime. “Is that even normal? That you have moved on from him and yet you don’t want to date anybody else?”

I shrug my shoulders again and say, “No one of them seem interesting. Besides, who says for you guys to set me up on these blind dates? I mean, I’m truly grateful for your effort and support, but I think I won’t date anyone not unless I like them.”

“Are you saying that because you’re not really interested with any of those guys or because you’re being too cautious of liking someone again?” She asks, hinting at something. Joohyun knows me so well that I almost give in.

But I don’t. I just laugh it off.

“Are you trying to play detective again?” I playfully , but add, “I told you guys many times I’m just not interested. Besides, I’m already busy with my own life. My responsibilities are far more serious now than before. I write for a living and that takes up a lot of my time and there’s also Joonhee in my life now. She’s who I care about the most now. I don’t think I can still have extra time to date or think of someone else other than me. I already have a lot on my plate.” She sighs even louder at this but looks mildly sympathetic.

She knows what I have gone through for the past few years. She’s one of my witnesses when I was going through depression for the first few months that Joonmyeon was gone. It would have been like that until now if Joonhee didn’t just come into my life. She’s like warm spring in the coldest winter of my life. She’s what matters to me the most now aside from my profession even if both came to me so unexpectedly. And I don’t think that will change so easily. My priorities clearly changed. Gone was the time when I thought love was everything. Or when I thought Joonmyeon was everything to me.

Now, I have come to love myself and that helped me learn to love another the right way. I just don’t think another guy will fit into the picture just yet. Well, not unless they are willing to be entangled in the chaotic life I live.

“I like that you’re doing better, Hana,” Joohyun sincerely said as she places a hand on top of my cold one on the table. “But we’re not getting any younger. You will need someone that can take care of you as you grow older. Someone who truly loves you and who you’re going to be ready to settle with one day.”

“I know,” I tell her, looking at the view outside the café. “I just wish I have more time to think about this later.”

Just not now.

She looks at me helplessly and shakes her head. She knows the conversation is over. I don’t really want to talk about my love life, but I go through the same thing almost every day when I go out with any one of my friends or my mom for that matter. They just nag at me and leave it at that maybe because they know I am not changing my mind.

I go home after my date with her at our favourite ice cream parlor at 2nd St. It’s a few walks from my apartment residence so I take my time while leisurely observing my surroundings. Observing is a hobby I gained once I got depressed a few years back. I looked around me and realized the small things I missed because I only looked at one person for such a long time. It made me realize how much I missed in my life that it did made me cry. But