Pétales de Roses

Everything is blurry.

Life is blurry.

Love is blurry.

His vision is blurry because love makes you blind.

Sehun looked outside the window, his mind full of thoughts, and face against his hand. Why does his life seem to be so empty? Why does his heart feel heavy? Life is not what you want it to be. Life is complicated and sometimes very disappointing. He sighed looking down at the paper on the table. A blank page. Nothing. Not even a scribble. This page in front of him was like his life.

Without any importance. Dull. It would be how he would have described it.

As a novelist, he wanted his life to be colorful, full of life, full of love but, unfortunately nothing was like that. Sometimes the outside appear beautiful when the inside is dead. His inside was dead, colored of black. His mind was a tangle of thoughts. How will tomorrow be? How will he be able to endure it? He didn’t know. But, he knew that he was tired, too tired to act like everything was right when everything was wrong. Love was not supposed to be like that.

His wedding wasn’t supposed to be like that.

The melancholia permeated his dark pupils. He was nostalgic. His past, where all looked perfect with the love of his life, when all was filled with lies. LuHan was a liar behind his babyface. He always acted nice and Sehun always fell for his incantation. His voice was a sweet melody to his ears that makes him forget all his problems, all his angst.

“How are you?”

He didn’t care. Sehun knew it. However, when he smiled at him, it became impossible to stay angry.

“I’m fine.”

He was always fine. LuHan didn’t care.

“I’m happy to know that. My day was great today! I got a new contract!”

Sehun smiled. A fake smile.

“That’s great Lu! Congratulations! We should drink to that!”

When your love is filled with lies how could you believe in happiness? Sehun didn’t believe in happiness at all. For him, this love was destructive and despite him knowing that, it was impossible to give up on LuHan.

Sehun was completely in love with LuHan. He would have given his life only to see his babyface with a smile. He would have given all he has for him, because it’s how love should have been. Nonetheless, it wasn’t.

“I love you.” Said LuHan before closing his eyes to fall deep asleep.

Sehun believed his words. He believed it so easily, he was naïve. But, he was in love, so deeply in love that he preferred to close his eyes and forget. Forget everything that caused him to feel mad, or hurt. Tomorrow was going to be better. However, life wasn’t a book nor a movie.

Life was worse than that.

 

He opened his eyes slowly getting used to the daylight. LuHan was still asleep by his side. He was so beautiful. Sehun admired his perfect face, he looked like an angel fallen from the sky. His pale skin sparkled thanks to the sun’s rays, it was such a wonderful piece of art. When the latter finally opened his eyes a cute smile took place on his rosy lips. A beautiful shade of pink covered his cheeks making him look so innocent.

“Good morning love.” He said with a hoarse voice.

“Good morning Lu.”

Sehun’s heart fluttered when the doe-eyes smiled at him. It felt like a pack of butterflies were flying in his stomach. It felt so good.

“Take me in your arms.” Demanded the small one.

Sehun smiled, taking his baby for a hug. He smelled his hypnotizing fragrance, a mixed of flowers, his face in the crook of his neck. Then, he took his face between his big hands, looking deep down into Luhan’s soul. His eyes were sparkling, a beautiful shade of light brown, a mesmerizing one.

“What are you waiting for? Kiss me.”

LuHan’s voice was authoritarian. Sehun was so subjected to him. He closed his eyelid and crushed his lips against Luhan’s. This feeling was like being on drugs. Luhan’s lips were so soft. Every mornings were like a breath of fresh air, the calm before the storm.

What could he do when everything looked so fake? He sighed, ruffling his hair before leaving his apartment. The morning breeze caressed his face as he walked through the city without any aim. He just needed to think. Think about his life, think about his work, about anything that wasn’t LuHan. Why does it hurt so much? A tear flowed on his cheeks. This love was so hard to handle sometimes. So hard that it stopped him from having any inspiration for his books. Every pages were blank, nothing, he couldn’t write anything. Everything wasn’t good enough to his taste, and it was very frustrating.

“Hey! What’s wrong?” Asked his friend JongIn.

He was the only one who truly saw between his lies, unlike LuHan.

“Nothing.”

“It’s because of LuHan right?”

Sehun agreed with a nod of his head. Everything was always because of this simple human being.

“Tell him about your feelings.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

Why? His heart was broken, his heart felt so empty… It was hard to be with him when both of them wear a mask, in order to run from their problems.

“I just can’t”

He loved him so much. The idea of losing him was unbearable. He preferred to suffer with him by his side rather than without him.

“Nothing is going to change if you stay silent.”

“I know that. I know it very well. But, I love him, do you understand that? I love him so much.”

JongIn took his hands between his. He was very serious, just like a true friend should be in a serious situation like this one.

“I know it Sehun. I know that you love him. But… does he love you the same way as you do?”

Sehun wanted to cry his heart out. He wanted to disappear and never come back as a broken glass on the floor.

“He does. He loves me, we are just going through a difficult phase.”

JongIn smiled sadly at his friend. They knew that something didn’t ring true.

We lied to find comfort. Sehun was besotted of this sham. He found secure in it, just like he find himself into his eyes. LuHan appeared in his field of vision. The doe-eyes always came to see him at Jongin’s café. He walked until his person, then sat in front of him.

“Did you write something today, love?”

“Nothing, as usual… What about you? How was your work?”

“Tiring, but Minseok…”

Sehun had lose the thread, LuHan always talked about his colleague. Sehun simply couldn’t care less. He wanted his lover to talk about himself, to show him his design project. He acted fake and smiled at him time to time. LuHan didn’t care at all about his white page syndrome. He was the cause of it, but he didn’t give a damn! The babyface always knew that he was Sehun’s muse. Unfortunately, he had stopped worrying about it.

“Do you care about me?” asked Sehun out of nowhere.

LuHan was confused. Why would Sehun asked him such a question out of the blue?

“Why suddenly?”

“Answer it.”

“Of course I do. I love you so much Sehun! What’s wrong? Did I do something bad?”

He needed to feel reassured. Even if, he knew that it wasn’t completely the truth. LuHan had cease to care a long time ago. But, it was better than nothing. He clang into the small hope that live inside him.

“You didn’t. I love you too.”

“Idiot!”

LuHan was so cute when he was upset. He was the cutest. LuHan was the one who slowly burnt his heart and made him feel alive. It was a perfect contradiction. A succulent road to hell.

Sehun was a fool for his husband. A pathetic man without any dignity. He preferred being blind than acting like an adult. What could he tell him? He felt so lonely. Lonely by his side. His heart was so heavy that sometimes it was hard to breath. And, it was difficult to look at him in his eyes without the need to disappear. Through the years their love had struggled to remain intact. He wasn’t the same. They weren’t the same too. They had changed and the beautiful love that embrace them formerly, didn’t exist anymore. Each of them had created their own sphere, their own world were the other didn’t belong to. Obviously, notwithstanding of all these sweet lies, Sehun hoped that one day he will have the courage to face his lover. And not fall for his words when his acts show something else. However, it wasn’t easy. The beautiful veil above his eyes created a perfect illusion.

It was raining outside and the raindrops flowed on the window. Sehun found that particularly hypnotizing. The rain was beautiful. The rainy days were his favorite, he was a pluviophile. He liked the mood the rain created. Every droplet were so free, without any fear to fall on the floor. The man decided to open the window in order to enjoy the relaxing sound of the shower. He closed his eyes and let his head in the clouds. A frail silhouette come out suddenly and sat next to him. The other one put his head on Sehun’s shoulders, without saying any word. The silence lingered but he was nice. Very nice. LuHan runs his hands until finding Sehun’s big one. He intertwined their fingers with a smile on his face.

“I would like to be like the rain,

Flowing along your body,

And feeling every nook of your skin.

I would like to wash away all the pain,

Transform your lips into a smile,

And making your eyes sparkle in happiness.

I would like to be the main character,

Be the one in your heart.

I just would like to leave my mark on you, like the rain does.”

 

 

“You already did.” Whispered the babyface into Sehun’s ear.

Sehun opened his lids dumbstruck by his words. LuHan was smiling at him, for once he was the same as before. The latter placed his palm on his husband’s cheek.

“I know it’s been hard these days Sehun. But it’s going to be okay. I trust you, I believe in you.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore.”

It was hard to not have any inspiration. Writing was all his life. Writing, allowed him to be whoever he wanted. It was his therapy. He needed it more than anything. But, all was white or full of crossing-out. This feeling was devastating, he had the hunch that it was the end of a wonderful dream… So, he just cried.

“It’s okay. Love.”

No it wasn’t. Nothing was okay.

“You will always be my favorite novelist.”

“Really?”

“Of course. You’re the one who can make me laugh and even cry just by your gift of writing.”

Sehun cried even more. Why was his heart beating so painfully?

“I need to get some fresh air.”

“Sehun, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t…”

Sehun ran outside their apartment. He wanted to scream but nothing came out of his mouth. Everything was a blur around him, because of his tears which never had stopped, mixing with the rain. His world was broken, his only way-out was not anymore, everything that remained was the nostalgia. Sehun lived with melancholia of his memories who were soaked by the water. But, tonight he felt like he wasn’t the only one who was sad. The sky was sad with him.

From Baby Lu 11:23 pm.

“Where are you? Come back home, I’m scared.”

The thunder ripped the dark sky. The sound was brutal, scary for some, strong for the others. Sehun felt at ease outside, under this ty weather. It felt like home.

From Baby Lu 0:04 AM.

“Sehun comeback home. Don’t leave me alone.”

From Baby Lu 0:26 AM.

“I love you. I will always do Sehun no matter what happens. I’m begging you right now, I’m scared without you.”

LuHan was scared by the thunder and Sehun cared. A bit too much, probably.

To Baby Lu 0:37 AM

“I’m coming back. Don’t be scared.”

“I love you too.”

For him, he had lost all his amour propre, but LuHan was worth it. He gave him so much. In the same time that he took so much from him. The babyface had created many wounds on his skin, who slowly reached his heart. When he opened the door from his apartment, LuHan jumped into his arms, even if he was completely soaked.

“I will take a quick shower.”

Inside the shower, Sehun wanted to break into pieces. Will LuHan care? He wasn’t sure. All that matter was his own well-being. He didn’t even know if LuHan truly loved him anymore. Sehun had always been the type of person who didn’t have any confidence in himself, with all of that he felt weak. The man was exhausted. But, his smile was so pretty and his hug so warm. LuHan was more than just a lover for him, he was his whole life. This love was like a cage. He was trapped by his feeling, they enchained him.

“I feel better now that you’re home.”

Not him.

“Don’t run away like that anymore, please.”

“Ok.”

He wasn’t sure about that. Actually, he wanted to run until oblivion.

“Sehun, look at me.”

He did with a lot of regrets.

“I love you, ok?”

Why did he always trust his words?

“Ok.”

“Good night love.”

“Good night baby.”

LuHan made him feel so lonely and so in love at the same time. He hugged him tightly so that LuHan will feel safe. The doe-eyes kissed his lips softly before falling asleep in his arms. He fell too, even more in the point of no return.

They were in love. Yet, they weren’t.

 

When you grow up, your mind becomes full of memories. Full of regrets. Full of tears and smiles. Your present sometimes wasn’t the one you wish you had. So, it felt like everything in what you believed before was only a utopia.

Sehun admired his lover with a sad smile. He had left himself live in their past. He had forgotten to bring his happiness in their present life.

“Smile. Why are you looking so sad?”

Sehun looked at his friend without any envy to smile.

“I have the right not to.”

Why should he smile? His husband was having the time of his life with JongIn’s boyfriend, Kyungsoo. He didn’t feel well. Sehun felt out of place.

“I am happy that he and Kyungsoo get along well. They’re having fun and you should too.”

“I’m happy too.”

He wasn’t. Sehun was jealous.

“Sehun sing with me!” Said LuHan who had too many drinks.

“I don’t want to. You should sit a bit.”

“Love, sing with me.” Pouted the doe-eyes.

Sehun took Luhan’s hand and forced him to sit down.

“Love, why don’t you want to sing with me?”

“Lu…”

“You don’t love me anymore, right? That’s why you don’t want.”

The babyface started to cry. Sehun was taken aback by his reaction.

“Of course not baby! I love you! I’m just not in the mood for singing.”

LuHan looked down with tears flowing down his cheeks.

“You seem so sad these days, I don’t know what to do… I feel useless.”

 

Sehun felt guilty. LuHan was also affected by his mood.

“You’re not useless. Don’t say that.”

“I am. I feel like I am… I should make my love smile, but I make him sad. I’m a bad husband, right?”

“LuHan… no.”

His heart was beating painfully.

“I make you sad. I’m so so so sorry. I’m such a useless husband…”

It wasn’t just him. They both made the other unhappy.

“You’re not making me sad baby, please stop thinking that you’re useless, that’s not the truth.”

“But you don’t look at me the same way as you used to. Did I become ugly? I can change.”

They both had changed and what remained was an atrocious pain.

“You’re so beautiful Lu. Stop putting yourself down, you’re still the prettiest in the world for me, that will never change. ”

Never.

“When I said that I love you, I really do Sehun. I love you so freaking much… I want to make you happy but you never smile when I told you that these days...”

Sometimes love wasn’t enough when the pain had proliferated through their veins.

“I love you too. I’m sorry.”

He hugged his husband, even if JongIn and Kyungsoo were watching them. He didn’t care. Their love was real. Even though everything showed the opposite. They were stronger than the sorrow that surrounded them.

They were stronger than anything.

Sehun was blind. He lived in a fantasy where happy ending will always occur. He truly believed that the sun will shine more than before, it was only a matter of time. Honestly, he was stuck in his dreamland more than he really lived in the present. Everything was progressing around him and he was stuck in a crossroad. What path should he take? He had no idea. Should he move forward? Should he stay here? He didn’t know. Sehun was lost. He had lost himself.

What if all of this was a nightmare? He wanted it so bad. LuHan and he were soulmates. They always had been happy together. They were the perfect couple. The perfect combination. Yet, it didn’t explain why Sehun felt surrounded with disenchantment. His body was literally in pain and not because he felt incomplete. He had difficulty breathing, his stomach hurt him so much. He looked a few seconds at LuHan’s body lying by his side before running right through the bathroom. Before he could have the time to understand anything, something flew from his lips. It was a red petal. A tiny red petal, followed by ten other bloody petals on the floor. What had happened? What was this? The man fell down on his knees without understanding anything. He took one petal between his fingers and started to cry alone in the darkness, his hands stained by the blood.

Alone in the bathroom, he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Why did he look so despicable? He wanted to erase his face, erase everything that portrays his soul, erase all the darkness in this body. He wasn’t normal but in fact nobody was. Normality was like most of things: subjective. His reflection reflected all the things he hated. Only, how could he change? He wasn’t normal, he will never be normal… Sehun was a lost soul in this world far too complicated. When he came back to his room, he hesitated to walk to his bed for fear of contaminating his lover. Coughing up petals was so weird and distasteful. He still didn’t understand how it could happen. Why him? He needed to make some research about it… or not. He didn’t know anymore what he really wanted. The abnormal finally lay beside his husband, brushing his warm skin. He felt a bit better now. LuHan was so beautiful when he was sleeping, such a wonderful landscape to admire before sleeping in a dark world full of demons and fear.

The following day, Sehun felt like his body had change during the night or was it the fruit of his imagination? He felt dizzy. LuHan had already left for his work, leaving him alone in their lifeless apartment. The young man admired the city through the window of their living room. The weather was cloudy, just as his mind. The city felt morose, it wasn’t very pretty to look at. Sehun decided to sit in front of his desk and his laptop. He needed to know the hows and the whys of what happened last night. He was shaking like a leaf so much he was frightened. What would happen after? Will he stay the same? Probably not. Sweat ran along his temples as he finally had the courage to look at the screen.

His world suddenly became insignificant.

His vision completely blurry.

He fell on the carpet breaking all his hope. Never had he experienced a pain so severe in his whole life. It was as if he was dead with an alive body. His heart contracted in his chest before beating fast. His heart felt so heavy. All his world had just been destroyed…

“Hanahaki Disease: It is an illness born from UNREQUITED LOVE that causes flowers to grow in the lungs. The sick person will cough up petals with increasing frequency until they suffocate to death with the flowers fillings their chest.

 

There is two ways to cure it: first, the love must be reciprocated. The other way to cure it is surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the sick person’s romantic feeling for his love also disappear.”

 

 

LuHan wasn’t in love with him.

This love was killing him softly.

Love wasn’t meant to be like that. He wasn’t meant to hurt like that.

So, he just ran far away from all this pain… He ran outside his apartment with tears flowing down his cheeks. The man thought that this kind of thing only appeared in fictions, that it wasn’t even real. Nevertheless, everything was the reality, it wasn’t a dream. It was real. How could he breathe when everything was poisoned? It was too much to handle. Too difficult to stand. He gave himself a slap, in order to get his thoughts straight. Then, he tried to calm his breathing. It wasn’t possible. LuHan loved him. He loved him! Why did it resonated so fake in his mind? Why couldn’t he believe it when he wanted to? Tears were always pouring when the truth burnt our expectations. Alone in an alley, he fell on his knees on the concrete. All this time when he felt unappreciated wasn’t because of his weird mind. LuHan truly didn’t value him as much as he believed. Why did it have to turn that way?

Sometimes, Sehun wished life was like his books where he just needed to erase the part that didn’t please him and change it. In this book which was his life, he felt useless. His eyes were only witnesses of his misery. The emptiness in his heart started to slowly eat him away. He was falling in the darkness without any protections. The demons inside were laughing at him, they wanted to eat him alive. No one was prepared for such a disillusionment because love makes you so blind that you hide the truth to yourself, in order to live happily. But, happily ever after only exist in fairy tales. Sehun had dreamt too much of it, without thinking that one day it could be destroyed by his own hands. Why was he so feeble? Every aspect of him was detestable. That’s why his love has faded away. Since the beginning, their love was fragile but they didn’t take the time to make it stronger. Time made things ephemeral and you couldn’t change a thing.

Sehun and LuHan were two flowers who dried up and fell apart.

From Baby Lu – 11:56 pm

“Where are you?”

Sehun looked at his phone’s screen with a sad smile on his lips. He, then close his eyes which were completely red. He had cried so much today. But, he was still crying on the bar counter with an empty glass of vodka in his hand. Alcohol was his friend tonight. It helped him feel as light as a feather on a cloud. Maybe he looked crazy, alone, crying and laughing at the same time but he didn’t care. His heart was in a million pieces on the floor and it hurt so much. He wasn’t able to see him now, looking so miserable. LuHan didn’t care about him after all. What would he care of his absence? He was just acting like a good husband, it was just a façade. It wasn’t love anymore. It was the habit of taking care of each other, nothing more than that. This realization hurt him even more, cutting him deep in his already destroyed heart. Even if it wasn’t the best way to feel better, he decided to drink more glasses of alcohol, in order to drown his sorrow. Wasn’t he so lovely here looking like a fallen character? He thought so.

“Where were you?!” Was the first thing Luhan asked him when he returned home.

Sehun couldn’t think straight at this moment because he was drunk.

“You’re not going to answer me?”

Why did he look so angry? Why did he act like he cared?

“You smell like alcohol, are you drunk?”

Sehun wanted to scream but instead he hugged him. It was the only way to keep his countenance in front of him.

“Why Sehun?” He asked before gently pushing him away. “Why are you drunk?”

“You’re so beautiful.” Said the broken man.

“Sehun…”

“I love you so much, you know? Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe without you.”

LuHan stayed frozen. He didn’t know how to answer nor how to feel at this moment.

“I love you so much that it’s hurting me… “

Sehun couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.

“But, I’m so happy to be with you at the same time because you’re all I want.”

His dark orbs were trying to send a message to the person opposite him. Could he feel his broken heart? Could he feel every bruise on his pale skin? LuHan walked slowly to him before hugging him as if his life was depending on it. He needed it. He needed to feel alive and appreciated by his lover. The way Luhan carefully put his head on his legs and tenderly his hair, made Sehun’s heart melt.

“Love, don’t drink anymore. Talk to me instead when you’re feeling down. Don’t hide your feelings. Every human has their ups and downs and it’s okay, right?”

It was not. Sehun closed his eyes without answering. He couldn’t do it.

“You will do it, right?”

Instead of lying Sehun decided to kiss LuHan softly on his lips. The babyface put his hand on Sehun’s cheek. His light brown eyes were shining like two diamonds. They were precious.

“Answer me.” He said calmly.

Sehun didn’t want to answer. He simply couldn’t do it. Why did LuHan always complicate everything?

“Why?”

“You don’t trust me anymore?”

It was only because of him. It was his fault! Sehun stood up even though his vision was spinning around. Why was it always so intricate to be in love? He stayed without moving, his eyes betraying his truth.

“Lu…”

“Tell me… Tell me what did I do? Why are you distancing yourself from me? I don’t understand!” Cried the doe-eyes.

“I’m…I’m sorry.”

He fell on his knees in front of his lover as if his secret had been discovered.

“I’m sorry.”

LuHan sat down in front of him, his face full of tears.

“Stop.”

“But I’m…”

“Stop Sehun.”

They had found love in each other in the past. Unfortunately, there were both broken by it.

The night wasn’t calm tonight. In their bed, they tried to make themselves feel complete again. This little love was enough to revive the flames inside their hearts. It wasn’t like before, everything seemed to be more intense, their touches, the feeling of their skin touching and their kisses seemed different. Everything was different and the veil above their bodies danced, it flitted around, creating a soothing image. A new world who belonged only to them. A utopia where everything would change in a snap of the fingers, where the hurtful words would fade on the slate and made way for innocent children’s drawings full of hope. Love is reborn from its fervent flames, it is never the same. It is only the fruit of their imagination completely enamored of phantasms. It makes them alive under this sheet soiled by their flesh. But, subsequently when the fire is extinguished, nothingness appears and words become devoid of sense. Their senses escape and get lost in their deaf ears. Lust is only a way-out, like any other, that has only one effect that doesn’t last in time. Everything flies and does not come back.

Love is just an illusion.

Sehun always fell for its lies.

“I love you. I’ll be always there for you Sehun. Always.”

Always.

Always.

Always.

Would you always be there even though I’m dying because of you? Sehun coughed bloody petals on the bat