[ intimate dinner ]

“Tao,  I got the post for you,” his manager said when he walked in. Tao was happy to see the man that made sure he got wherever he needed to be and did what he needed to do, although that is nowhere as much as it used to be. At age 31, his schedule wasn’t as filled as back then, back when he was an EXO member or when he went solo. Age doesn’t only impact your face and your body, but also the kind of jobs they want you for; rather than competing himself he got asked to coach those who wanted to compete.

It also brought good things. He had gotten over the crybaby phase quite fast but the public needed the time to be able to see it, to see that he was a capable man who didn’t cry about everything that upset him, but rather talk about it in a mature way. His way of talking in a mature way did come in different ways; at times he talked with his family or manager, but at other times when he felt that his fans should know this too, know the struggle he was going through and dealing with, he shared it on social media. This did cause some uproar with the general public and some worries for his fans but that too, when time passed, got better.

Sometimes, it made Tao laugh. SM gave him the power of time,  but they mostly used it to turn back an event. Little did the past version of him know that the thing he needed was the future rather than another past.

“Is there anything special, ge?” he asked his manager, who shook his head with every piece of paper he laid down on the table.

At times like these, when the sun shone through the window and landed on the man’s face, Tao could see how much more time demanded from the older man than it demanded from himself. When he went solo he became his own manager but he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it like that and appointed the man in front of him as his manager and he never regretted it. Once in a while, he would encounter someone who asked him why he still didn’t get a new one but Tao’s answer was easy: “I can’t just trade family.” Yet even though Tao said this, he knew there would be a time he would need to get a new manager, the man deserved to spend his old days in peace and managing an artist like Tao wasn’t exactly the definition of peace.

His manager was almost done with the surprisingly huge amount of post and Tao mentally noted down that he had to check his post more often when he suddenly let out a gasp and Tao was sure the man didn’t intend to let it out. Sighing to himself, Tao stood up to take the envelope from the older. It looked formal yet not on the formality level of another court case but rather an invitation. The envelope itself was decorated with soft pastel flowers, but his name was written down in hard black ink, the letters written with a handwriting that was familiar to him.

Suho.

A name whose owner he came to appreciate and love, who he disappointed, who he evaded but could never forget. The man had done so much for him that Tao knew he shouldn’t even dare to think of forgetting him. But as much as he knew it, he hadn’t kept in contact with the man after he departed from the group. The messages were few at the beginning but over time they turned into even less and Tao really didn’t know how he should act to the man, he didn’t know if he was allowed to start another conversation.

When he was done mentally preparing himself for what could be in there, he opened the envelope. His kind of luck made him get a papercut but the stinging in his thumb wasn’t the most important now, although he felt bad for staining the beautifully printed flowers with his blood. He let himself adore the flowers. Different kinds of black made the base of the design full of flowers and leaves with occasionally a flower painted with pink or red. When he’s done procrastinating under the name of admiring, he opens the letter.

“Dearest Tao,” he let the voice in his head read to himself, “today it is my pleasure to inform you of the dinner I’ve planned. This dinner will function as a reunion for all of us EXO members, whether they stayed until the end or departed from us before it. I would love to see you there and I’m sure the others would be as delighted as I would be. It takes place on Christmas Eve and the place will be announced later. Please let me know if you will attend, I know you still have my number. It never changed.”

A hand landed on his shoulder and he knew his manager read the letter over his shoulder.

“Are you planning on going, Tao?”

Tao patted the hand on his shoulder and went to pick up his phone from the table. “I will. I owe Suho that much and if I have to be honest, I won’t mind seeing them all again. It’s kind of lonely.”

Ever since he left, he has had quite a few flings. Men and woman from all over the world that could make his heart skip a beat, but it wouldn’t take long for Tao to realize that they weren’t the one. He’s now 31 and if you’re used to spending your teenage and young adult days with 11 others, it got lonely. And he needed love, he needed skinship and other interactions that made him feel loved. It was just a part of him and he knew he would never lose it.

His manager announces that it’s time for him to leave again, adding that whatever he had wanted to say wasn’t that important and could wait for tomorrow. Tao gave him a smile, grateful that the man could understand that he would probably spend the whole day thinking about the dinner and not be able to focus on anything else. Guess he really hadn’t changed that much after all.

He found his line app between a lot of apps that he used way more than the one he’s starting now. People who were close enough to him to be on his phone used to ask why he hadn’t deleted it, but Tao never really gave an answer. The fact that he still had that app, a way to communicate with his old friends, gave him a safe feeling. You never know for what kind of emergency would cause them to message him and god knows how it would be if he didn’t have that app and totally miss the message.

It doesn’t take long to find Suho in his contact list, the leader was one of the members he had contacted for the longest. When he opened the conversation, he was hit by all the feelings the old conversation gave him. Once he could get over those, he started typing.

He wasn’t one to think long about messages and the one for Suho was quite easy to formulate, even though there was a guilty feeling nagging in his mind for never thanking Suho properly for everything he did.

“Suho-hyung,

Thank you. Thank you for not only the invitation but also for everything you ever did for me. Please let me thank you properly at the dinner. Please let me know where it will be and at what time and I will be there.

Tao”

Even though his reply felt a bit too formal to be sent over a line message, he felt it was needed as the letter was just as formal. When the reply would come and be less formal, he would tone it down too. He caught himself thinking about how the other members could possibly be replying and when Tao noticed his thoughts were turning negative, he scolded himself. He wasn´t some teenager anymore whose emotions would be thrown into a storm whenever something unexpected happened. He had to get his together.

Although that was easier said than done.

Just like everything in life.

However, the ping of his phone got his attention and all the negative emotions were stuffed away again. His notification preview told him it was from Suho and when he unlocked his phone he felt himself getting nervous, yet in a good way.

Suho-hyung:

That’s so good to hear [row of pink hearts]

Well. That was a good reply.

Just not in the way Tao expected it to be.

It seems like Suho became better with phones over the years and Tao couldn’t help himself from chuckling. Took him quite a while.

He hesitated when typing the reply, not sure what the proper reply would be. He knew he could drop the formality seeing the, very enthusiastic, use of emojis by Suho. But still. It was hard.

But before he had the change to reply to another message came in from Suho.

Suho-hyung:

I actually got the details already for the dinner place [confetti emoji]

Since your reply took the longest for some reason [thinking emoji] [eyes]

Me:

Ah sorry about that

Might’ve forgotten to check my mailbox for a while

Suho-hyung:

I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Minseok

He insisted on letters

Even though we all know messages through phones get read way earlier

[sighing emoji]

Me:

Ah well hyung, at least I still got it

Tao hesitated for a second and added a second message.

Will everyone be attending?

Suho-hyung:

If there won’t be any sudden changes, then yes

Why? [eyes] [smirking]

Me:

Hyung

You know exactly why [ugh emoji]

Suho-hyung:

Haha, yes, yes

sorry TaoTao

Tao felt like everything that had been needed to say was said and closed his line app. So Suho thought the situation with Kris was like a joke. He probably expected them to have fixed their relationship already, or that they at least had gotten over it. Tao might’ve gotten over it, in some ways, but he had no idea what the older thought about him nor have they really interacted in any way since EXO.

Oh, who was he kidding?

Their relationship is still .

♥

The day the news came that EXO disbanded was a quite normal day. Tao had a few schedules but nothing special and ended up being on the internet the moment the bomb dropped and made the internet go crazy. Articles had never been released so fast before and it soon became the most trending topic on several different social media sites.

Tao knew that saying something about this situation might be risky but he felt like it would be rude to not say something. Then again, sending the members a direct message would be out of place too since he hadn’t really kept in contact with any of them, with the exception from Luhan. After a lot of thinking, a lot of scrolling through social media and a shot call to his manager to get permission, he decided to go with twitter and a separate post on his weibo page.  His message would be short yet it would be obvious to everyone what was mean.

Good luck in the future, everyone.

He felt quite good after posting it and the feeling got better when he saw that the members with a twitter account liked his post and when Luhan quoted is weibo post with some nice words. Guess they weren’t alone just yet.

He ignored the stupid feeling in his chest when he saw that Kris didn’t do anything on his twitter or weibo about the situation and acted like it didn’t hurt.

But the thing was that it did hurt.

And he couldn’t make it stop.

♥

Getting dressed up for the reunion dinner felt the same way getting dressed up for his first date did. He kept thinking about expectations he had, both good and bad, and nerves soon struck him, the stupid kind of nerves that made you go to the toilet for almost nothing.

Luckily none of the nerves were caused by his attire. Tao snorted when that thought entered his mind, he wished it were only the nerves because of his clothes. No, it was the nerves to face those who he had shared a dream with. Who he had cried together with, who he had shed blood and sweat with and most of all they are the people who were his family.

And maybe still are.

He just hasn’t directly contacted in years and the indirect contact they had was nowhere near enough to say that they kept up their “family”.

He knows it will be awkward. It will be awkward because they were close, very close yet at the same time they are now considered strangers. It will be strange with them like they’re strangers, because at one point they family, and you don’t treat family like strangers. Yet at the same time, it would be awkward to thread them like family because Tao just doesn’t know if the others still consider them family. Hell, he doesn’t even know if the members who stayed till the end still consider each other family.

Sure, he kept up with them, and sure, he saw that some of them still do projects with each other, but it’s different when you’re older and not in dorms together anymore.

Tao just doesn’t know what to expect and how to act.

And he never felt so insecure.

At variety shows he knows what to do and how to act – it’s about being funny. When he acts in movies and dramas he knows how to act – as long as he follows the script, executes the right moves and gives of the emotions it will be okay. At concerts he knows what to do – he got to shower his fans with love and perform like he never wants to do anything else.

But no training, no script and especially not a “10-minute help video on r