Dear Sunggyu,

I am sorry, I know you hate it when I call you without using honorifics. But I figured you couldn’t really get mad at me anymore. Or you are mad already. You probably are, right?

I know I should’ve told you. I thought about it for a long time. I hated lying to you like this and I thought… Would God take me into heaven if I kept lying to you? But I couldn’t tell you the truth. I didn’t want someone else to pity me. I saw it enough, the people around me, they all pitied me.

And maybe you would’ve felt sad. Something else I can’t stand seeing anymore. Sadness.

I’ve been thinking about the two of us a lot. I didn’t know if I should confess to you or if I shouldn’t. I never did. But you probably knew, right? It was pretty obvious. I should do it now though.

Kim Sunggyu, I like you. I think I might even love you. I hope that’s okay.

Honestly, I want to write so much but I am so tired… I kept your letter for last because I knew it would take me a while to finish it, it will be the longest. I’ve told my mom and Boohyun everything I wanted them to know already. But you… I couldn’t tell you.

I also can’t just go to sleep because I know… I know I won’t wake up tomorrow. I feel so bad… It’s your birthday tomorrow. I hate that I’m taking that date away from you. Now it’s not just Kim Sunggyu’s birthday, but also Nam Woohyun’s day of death.

Hyung… when you told me about Jisoo, I… I didn’t know what to do. Jisoo had been one of my best friends and knowing that she was talking about you whenever she would tell me about that “cute therapist” she went to, I kinda felt like I was betraying her…? She had that crush on me but I… I always liked boys and then I started falling for you and… do you think she’s mad? Do you think that, if I see her again in heaven, she will yell at me? I wonder…

Will I even get into heaven? You told me heaven was made for people like me… Do you really think God will take me? After I lied to you? This whole time? I still don’t really believe in God, but… I want to. Because I want to see you again one day. I want you to answer to my confession.

Did you feel anything for me? Or was it just wishful thinking?

, I’m crying now. Full on sobbing. me. I don’t want to die yet. I thought I was ready, I really did. But… then I met you and… you made this so hard for me, goddammit… , I love you.

I do. I only just realized, but I love you. I wish… I just wish I could have a future with you. Why is this world so cruel?! Why did I meet you just now? When I was already dying?!

Don’t pay the tear stains any mind… They were supposed to be there. Decoration.

Will you miss me, hyung? I don’t know if I want you to. You’d hurt. But do you miss me? Are you mad at me? Even just a little? Please, just miss me a little. Oh, I know. I’m gonna put that picture of us into the letter. I asked my mom to print it. I won’t need it, but maybe it can be of use to you.

I love you so much. I said it before, didn’t I? I did… This cancer is taking a toll on me, I am so goddamn tired. I just want to sleep in a bed with you, just once. Just curl up into your side, hug you close, smell your scent before I fall asleep. But I can’t have that. I am not allowed to have that. .

Kim Sunggyu… once you come to heaven, will you look for me? Even if you never felt that way about me or if you did, even if you won’t feel that way about me anymore, but… at least… catch up with me, okay? And you better grow old! You better come up there, being an old fart. I won’t accept anything else. I’ll throw you off that damn cloud if I have to! Or I blackmail God, whatever works!

Jesus, , I am so tired, my eyes keep closing on their own. But I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to die. I sound pathetic, don’t I?

Oh my god, I don’t even have a present for you. Your birthday is in a few minutes and I have no present for you… Except for this letter, which is really nothing pleasing. I’ll be dead when you read this, dammit.

What if I’m wrong though? What if I don’t die tomorrow?

No… No, I know I will. I feel it. Today was a good day, I was feeling so good. I was filled with energy… That was my body, giving its last. Its final chance to move. I think I will miss life. I will definitely miss you. More than anything, I will miss you.

I want to say so much more, but I can’t… My eyes won’t stay open.

I love you, Kim Sunggyu. I love you. I love you. I love you so much. And I will until I take my last breath and until you come and join me up there I will.

My last thought will be you. Only you.

It’s 0:02 now. Happy Birthday, Kim Sunggyu.

With never-ending love, Nam Woohyun.