I looked away. As usual, I couldn’t answer your question. I watched as you exhaled softly, as if sighing. You your lips, a small habit you always had since 5 years ago.

Finally, while playing with your food and without looking up, you asked me, “how have you been?”

“I…” I began to say, but I hesitated. You looked up upon sensing my hesitation. I studied your face. Like in the past, you didn’t put any make-up. You lost the baby fats in your cheeks. You were more toned than before. You felt different, but still, I missed you.

“I missed you,” I said softly.

You your lips again. After a short pause, you said, “but you didn’t look for me.”

There wasn’t spite in your voice. It was a simple declarative sentence, maybe a little sad.

“I…” I wanted to tell you, I tried. But you blocked my number. I knew because my texts were unreceived. I tried to talk to you on Instagram, but you blocked me too. It wasn’t like we had many common friends. I was too shy and too prideful to ask your friends about you.

I knew there were ways, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“Doesn’t matter anymore,” you finally said. You stopped playing with the remains of your food. Putting down your fork and spoon, you looked up at me.

“It’s good seeing you again,” you said. “I think.”

I noted your addition of ‘I think’ at the end. As if you were unsure if it was a good thing.

“But I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. Other than being colleagues.”

I in a breath. It felt like a punch in my gut. I knew you weren’t saying this because you hated me. It was because you were afraid of getting hurt again. You have given me so many chances. And yet I…

I remembered what the other colleagues from my department said about you- friendly, polite, but very private about your personal life. You kept a distance from people. You could talk about shows, or movies or current affairs, but you hardly discuss your personal life. They don’t know if you are in a relationship, or even married.

When I had asked them about you, they could tell that I was interested in you, even when I tried to make it sound casual. But they warned me about how you kept your distance. I thought it might be different with us, but who am I kidding? Why would you treat me any better, when I hurt you so much?

But the thing is, this time round, I don’t want to let you go anymore. I don’t want to run away. When I got this job, I didn’t know I would meet you again. I knew there was a possibility though, because you’ve always said that you wanted to work here in Europe. But Europe was huge. I never expected to see you again, although I did hope for it.

And now that I’ve found you again, it’s a second chance, however undeserved, for me to fix things with you.

“What if I told you I won’t let you go?” I said.