You came over to play with my dog. Our relationship these days had been alternating between hot and cold. Somehow, we took turns to give each other the cold shoulder. But on the day that you came, we were both in the ‘good’ kind of day.

You came frequently after that. We got a lot closer. All along, we have been wavering between the lines of friends and ‘some’. But after all your visits, I felt like we moved closer to ‘some’. 

One day, you came after I ended work. You were on leave that day, but I was tired. We had dinner together, and I told you to go ahead and play while I napped for a little while.

I woke up to you playing with my fringe. Your face was so close to mine. My heart raced as we maintained eye contact. I knew something shifted between us then.

You stuttered, saying that you should go. Overcome by desire, I pulled you back. We shared a brief kiss. I pulled away first, startled by what just happened between us. Our chest rose up and down in unison, as our hearts raced from the adrenaline rush.

You said you had to go and left before I could reply.

I texted you after that.

What are we now?

You didn’t reply. You didn’t reply for a long time and I got frustrated. I texted again.

Have you ever seen me as more than a friend?

To which, you replied, I don’t know. I am sorry.

It was then I decided to cut you off for good. I wanted to do that for a long time, because I know you don’t see me the way I see you. But each time I cut you off, I lose resolution and we start talking again. But now I have decided. I blocked you on whatsapp and Instagram. I deleted your number and left the groups which we were in together. I have no way of contacting you first. And since I blocked you, you can’t contact me too.

All along, it was a one-sided thing. You’ve always been more important to me than I was to you. I was hurt because it doesn’t matter how much I gave in to you, because I never meant the same to you. Even when cutting you off, I left a road for you. You could email me if you wanted, but you chose to let me go.

So I let you go too.

…

Life went on as per normal after we stopped talking. You didn’t bother to contact me, and neither did I. Initially, I was upset that you let our ‘relationship’ go down the drain just like that, but then again, what’s there to us?

I graduated, started working, and still stayed in love with hiking and trekking. Eventually, I got what I wanted and was posted to an overseas headquarters, where I could hike and trek as much as I desired.

…

My boss emailed me, saying that a new employee will be transferred over here. He would be in a different department, but since he came from the same hometown as me, he (my boss) hoped that I would be in charge of inducting him into the culture here.

When I saw the new employee’s information, I could only sigh.

…

The day for me to meet the new employee came. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t nervous to be meeting you again. After running away for so long. Although, it can’t be clear who was the one who ran away. Or perhaps, we both ran away at the same time.

…

We met at the lobby of the company. My heart stopped racing the moment we locked eyes and you shared a small smile with me. I think, beyond all the nervousness, I was still happy to see you. I had thought that I would be angry. But maybe I grew up over the years.

 

“Hey,” I said.

You nodded. “Hey.”

Not knowing if we should catch up or simply focus on the induction, I decided that the latter would be easier for my emotions to handle. So I did just that. I gave you a tour, introduced you to other employees, and gave you a briefing.

Finally, at the end of the briefing, I asked, “Any further questions?”

You looked at me somewhat intensely, as if debating internally on whether you should speak.

Eventually, you said, “I am sorry.”

Just like that, just three words, and all the unfairness, the questions, the pain came flooding back.

You knew how I felt, but you didn’t bother to clarify.

You knew it hurt, but you didn’t bother to hold me back.

You could have held me back, but you didn’t.

What good is a mere ‘sorry’ now?

I struggled to maintain my composure as I turned to walk away, like what I did five years ago. Alas, five years later, I hadn’t grown up like I thought.

…

After your first day ended, you came to look for me. You seemed hesitant to talk. I knew that I should maintain professional and keep up the façade of being a good senior at work.

“Do you have any questions?” I asked, my voice was strained. I tried to smile, but I couldn’t do so.

“I… Do you want to have dinner together?” you asked hesitantly, avoiding eye contact.

I took a closer look at you. There was stubble on your chin. Your dark circles were more prominent. You lost your youthful/playful look. Your arms were as firm as before. Your shoulders were wider. You seemed… sadder, older, jaded with life.

In the end, my affection for you was still here. I nodded.

…

It was a quiet walk to the restaurant. If it were you in the past, you would have talked non-stop about your day, but now, you were as quiet as me. I couldn’t tell if it was because you were awkward or because you changed.

While waiting for the food, you asked some questions about work and my life here.

I answered you as simply as I could. I didn’t want to risk putting my emotions out anymore.

…

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” you asked. “Or to ask me?”

My chest tightened at your words.

“Should I have anything to say, or ask?”