Memories

   “No! I don’t want to! Even if you stab me to death I refuse!” I told Yesung adamantly.

   Yesung looked at me and had the nerve to laugh at my discomfort. “This…it’s not that I’m forcing you but…this is the first time I’ve met someone who hates wedding ceremonies.”

   “Who wants to wear this kind of clothing?” I asked incredulously, pointing at a wedding gown. Yesung had the brilliant idea of making our wedding a conventional one, which was why he suggested I should wear a wedding gown, but I refused. There was no way in hell I would be caught wearing that ludicrous thing. “Even if I don’t wear this thing I still want to live with you!”

   “Yes I know, I’m just playing with you,” he said, chuckling at my seething state.

----

   After a month or so…we got married! No one…gave their blessing when we got married. I heard that the people in the Kim family were objecting it. Everyone except…Yesung’s father.

   “No one will feel happier than being together with the person they love,” Yesung’s father said wisely. We were at the Kim’s household to visit Yesung’s father and asked for his blessing for our wedding. “But…both of you are still very young…so please hear at least a bit of the suggestions that the people who objected made. Until that time…let the people know about…your happiness when both of you are together,” he said, smiling gently at us.

   “So…have you eaten?” he asked, and with that, all the built-up tension inside of me vanished.

   I elbowed Yesung and discreetly whispered, “Why isn’t he a teeny weeny bit strict?! What the heck! I thought he would start talking non-stop! Now all my mental preparations have gone to waste!” I felt tired because of all the tensions and anticipation of meeting Yesung’s father only to find out he’s a kind old man after all.

   Yesung chuckled, “Didn’t I tell you that you won’t get the fighting spirit when you talk to my dad?”

   It had been an enjoyable and light-hearted afternoon where Yesung’s father asked me about how we met, how we fell in love and the likes and he in turn told me stories about Yesung’s childhood, who kept complaining and trying to change the topic.

   It was a happy day…spent with the one and only person who approved of us.

----

   We bought a house somewhere near the sea. It was such a peaceful and beautiful place.

   “What a rare sight…you also read this kind of magazine?” Yesung asked, looking at the shopping catalogue I was looking at. “You also want a ring?” he asked after glancing at the page I’m at.

   “There’s no way I want to have that kind of thing! It feels like it’s something that can be lost easily! Scary!” I said, recoiling at the thought of possessing something as extravagant as that piece of jewelry. I wasn’t the type to be interested with luxurious things. “What I want is this blender,” I said, pointing at the said object. “When I have this, I can make some healthy fruit juice for you, since you’re working very hard!”

   Yesung looked thoughtful which disappointed me; I thought he would be touched. “This…I have a feeling you’ll make it taste terrible,” he said, laughing at the thought.

   “After I make it you will know,” I said.

   He smiled when he noticed the pout on my face. He suddenly bent down and pecked me on the lips. I shot a look of surprise at him.

   “Well…we better go and buy that blender quick so I can taste your healthy fruit juice. Shall we?” Yesung said, offering his hand for me to take.

   Of course, I thought smugly as I took his hand. He always indulged me in whatever I fancied.

----

   During his breaks in work, we always went out. No specific place…anywhere was fine. If we could be together, it was enough.

   “Oh…he is already home?” I muttered to myself. I went out to buy some things in the grocery store. Outside of our building, I could see the lights in our apartment were on.

   I ran all the way to the third floor where our apartment was located. By the time I arrived there, I was tired and sweaty; my breaths were coming out in a huff. I opened our door and walked in. I saw him relaxing on the couch, his coat was draped on it, his tie was loose. He had his eyes closed…a perfect image of relaxation.

   At the sound of my arrival he opened his eyes…looked at me and smiled that gentle smile I loved. “You’re back. Welcome home Baby Kyu.”

   Hearing that nickname made me smile. “Yes…I’m home.”

   And so I was…because my home…is by his side.

----

   “Baby Kyu.”

   “Yes,” I said, snuggling deeper into his arms. We were on the couch, and we had just finished eating dinner. We were celebrating our first year of marriage.

   “Why don’t we adopt a baby?” he mumbled on my neck.

   My body froze in shock. My deepest fear that had been nagging me since the day I married Yesung resurfaced. I actually dreaded the day when Yesung would ask me to adopt a child…because there was a big part inside of me that was so afraid of the idea.

   “Umm…I don’t think we’re ready for that,” I just muttered evasively. I knew from the way Yesung straightened up and looked at me with those intense eyes of his that he picked up the underlying tension in my voice. He knew there was something more I wasn’t saying to him. I just didn’t know what gave me away…maybe the fact that my body was stiff with tension…or the way I couldn’t look at him. The thing was he knew…and I was sure he would get to the bottom of it.

   “Why?” Yesung asked simply, holding both of my hands in his, gently squeezing them.

   “I-I said it already…I-I don’t think we-we’re ready for a c-child,” I stuttered, still avoiding his gaze.

   “I’m sure there’s more to it. Why? Don’t you trust me enough to tell me what’s bothering you?” the pain in his voice made me look at him. His eyes mirrored the pain in his voice…and that was what reminded me of something I forgot. That was Yesung was…the first person who understood me…the first person who supported me in everything I did…the first person who truly cared for me…and the first person who loved me unconditionally.

   That realization gave me courage to share my deepest fears with him. “I…I don’t…have the confidence…the confidence to have a child. I…a person like me…do I have the qualifications to bring up a child? A person like me…who didn’t do anything good in his life…do I…have the qualifications…to have a child?” Endless possibilities…unknown future…fear of it made me irrational. I wasn’t one for optimism…how could I, when aside from having Yesung, nothing good ever came in my life?

   By that time, I was in full-on panic mode. “What if it’s because of me, the child went on the wrong path? Because of me…the child was bullied…or the child got hurt terribly? Or lived an unhappy life? Then how? What if the child told me…that it’s much better if I wasn’t his parent?” my emotions got the best of me and I didn’t even realize I was actually recounting my own life.

   “I never wished to be born!”

   The memory of me saying that to my mother brought everything into perspective…why did I…say that kind of inhumane stuff? Although I didn’t know my mother’s feelings at that time…but if my child told me that…I would really feel like dying.

   My body sagged and tears started to fall from my eyes. I said those hurtful words…if the same thing happen to me, I would really feel sad and hurt…yet I could say those hurtful words out loud without feeling anything.

   “You know what I think?” Yesung asked. I was so caught up in my own emotions that I forgot I wasn’t alone. He wiped the tears from my eyes and gave me a gentle smile…love, patience and understanding shining in his eyes. “I think you’ll be a great parent to our future child,” he said teasingly.

   He drew me near and encased me tightly in his arms. “Everyone is a human being who has emotions…things that you feel happy about…and things that you feel happy about…remember all of them in your heart. Hug the child more…touch him or her more…hear what the child says. If he does bad stuff, then tell the child nicely why those things are bad. If…you were too emotional and made matters worse, then apologize nicely, and hug him tightly. Together…the both of us…will bring up the child using this way.”

   So much happiness swirled inside of me. My tears stopped falling…because I realized I was not alone…that no matter what, Yesung would be there…always.

   Yesung and I are one.

   “I hope…you give yourself a chance. So, is it okay with you if we adopt?” Yesung whispered in my ears.

   I drew away and looked him in the eyes. “Yes,” I whispered before catching his lips into a heated kiss.

----

   Just like this…after two months, we welcomed the new addition to our family…and just within minutes of being with him…he became the most precious thing in the world.

   “Donghae-yah!”

   My 9-month child looked at me with those innocent brown eyes. Just the mere sight of him never failed to make me happy. I never regretted my decision that day…with just  a little bit of courage…and a lot of support from Yesung…I found that I was the happiest man on earth.

   “Let’s go for a walk Hae-yah,” Yesung scooped Donghae in his arms and went outside, leaving me with his father. We were at his father’s house to introduce him to Donghae.

   “Hmmm…Donghae…east sea. Why did you give him that name?” Yesung’s father asked.

   I smiled, “Yesung is the one who named him. I think he did that because of my love for the sea. I think he wanted Donghae to grow up, having the same tranquillity as a sea possesses. Be as beautiful…and gentle like the sea.”

   “I see…it’s a good name. I’m sure Donghae will grow up to be a beautiful child in the future,” Yesung’s father uttered.

   “Mmmm…I’m sure he will…but we’ll love him anyway, no matter how he turns out to be.” That’s what I and Yesung agreed upon.

   The sound of Donghae’s laughter drew us to look outside and we saw Yesung showering Donghae with kisses all over his body that caused Donghae to laugh with mirth. That little scene brought a big smile on my and Yesung’s father’s faces.

   “Does Yesung help you take care of Donghae?” Yesung’s father asked me, eyes still lingering on the pair outside.

   “Yes! Yesung is actually very good at helping Donghae take baths. If you saw it, you might be amazed!” I answered, laughing at the memory of Yesung playing with the bubble powder once; he had poured so much it filled not just the tub but the whole bathroom.

   “You know…when Yesung told me that he wanted to get married…I really felt happy from the bottom of my heart. No matter what that kid does, he never let others know what he’s thinking about. I never thought that…he’d finally know how to love someone,” Yesung’s father said in a serious tone. “Humans are really unbelievable…when humans meet each other; lots of possibilities happen…whether it’s good…or bad.” Yesung’s father cleared his throat before continuing, “I’m not a good father…even though I know Yesung somehow hates me…it’s something that I’m helpless with. But luckily…he found his happiness…and that is you.” He looked at me, straight in the eyes and smiled that gentle smile that resembled Yesung’s very much, “Thank you…Kyuhyun-ah.”

   Yesung’s father’s words brought so much warmth in me. That was the time that I realized the depth of his love for Yesung, and it made me very happy. “Yesung he…never hated you even before. If he really hated you, then he wouldn’t care for you…he wouldn’t make an effort to visit you like now,” I told him. Even though Yesung wouldn’t say it, I knew he never hated his father. No matter what bitterness he had over his past, he never blamed his father for that…it was just pretty much impossible for him to hate his father.

   “Kyu,” Yesung called, approaching us.

   “What is it?” I asked.

   “The weather seems to be a bit cold, did you bring Hae’s jacket?” Yesung asked me worriedly.

   I only realized by then that the temperature dropped and it was a bit cold. “I did. I left it in the bag…wait a moment and I’ll get it,” I answered, preparing to stand up.

   “Nevermind, I’ll go and get it,” Yesung replied, depositing Donghae on his father’s lap before going out.

   The sight of Yesung’s father smiling happily, cooing and cuddling Donghae made me smile widely.

----

   Steady…and gently…the time passed by very fast.  Without knowing it, 6 years had passed by. Donghae grew up fast and had this habit of following me around wherever I went, like a chick following its mother hen wherever it goes. It was really endearing.

   Since Donghae came into our life, we went on trips frequently. Mostly to go to a beach to see the sea, it was like Donghae inherited my love for the sea since he also loved it very much.

   The three of us…always had big smiles hanging on our faces. That time when I saw Yesung hugging Donghae…the gentle and loving expression he had…made me happy…until I almost cried.

   As I gazed at the vast ocean…I left out a silent wish…I hoped that this feeling of happiness…would last forever.

----

   “Oh…you’re still not coming home?” I asked in a voice that barely concealed my disappointment. Yesung was tasked to visit the other branch of the pharmaceutical company he was working at. He had been gone for 2 days and I thought he would be coming home that night…it turned out he still was not finished. “Just a few more days and it’ll be done right?” I asked, seeking assurance.

   “Yeah, *cough, cough*,” he answered.

   The sound of him coughing and his slightly nasally voice made me worried instantly, “Are you having a cold? Did you go and see the doctor?”

   “I don’t have any free time to see one,” Yesung replied.

   “You can’t be like that! I know you’re busy but I’m very worried. I think it’ll be better if I go there,” I said. I didn’t know why I was feeling in the edge but I was really worried then…and slightly afraid. I felt like something bad will happen.

   “I’ll be fine. If I pass the sickness to you and Donghae, wouldn’t it be worse?” Yesung said. “I’ll go and see the doctor tomorrow.”

   I knew Yesung was soothing me by saying that but I hoped he would really go and see a doctor just like he promised. “Okay,” I said, giving up begrudgingly.

   “How’s Donghae?” Yesung asked.

   “He’s doing fine. He’s sleeping now,” I told him, gazing at the door of Donghae’s room. I went as far as possible from Donghae so he wouldn’t wake up and be disturbed by my voice.

   “I see. You know…I have been thinking recently,” Yesung said. “Why don’t we adopt again so that Donghae can have a little brother or sister?”

   “Oh…that’s a good idea!” I perked up. I love the idea of another child, and that time, I wanted a girl since we already have a boy.

   “I’ll call you when I’m finished here,” Yesung told me.

   “Mmm…remember to put on a comforter when you sleep, and remember to go to the hospital!” I reminded him.

   I heard his gentle laugh in the other line, and it made me smile in response. “Okay! Don’t push yourself too hard. Rest earlier,” Yesung replied.

   “Baby Kyu,”

   “Yes?”

   “I love you,” Yesung said.

   I marvelled for a while about how those simple words, when coming from Yesung, had this amazing effect on me…all worries, weariness, sadness…it all disappeared. Then I replied,

   “I love you too…so much.”

----

   The ringing of the phone stopped me and Donghae from playing Starcraft. “Oh, it must be Yesung,” I muttered, smiling at the excited look that appeared at my son’s face. That showed how much we missed Yesung.

   I almost ran to get to the phone, the sooner I heard his voice, the better, that’s what I thought. How could I know…that that phone call…would be the one to change my life…forever.

   “Hello!” I said eagerly to the other line.

   At the first sentence that came out of the other line…and the sound of an unfamiliar voice…clouded my heart with dread. From dread it became shock…to pain…to grief…until I was almost choking.

   I didn’t remember ending the conversation…I didn’t even remember hanging up…but I remembered sliding down the wall…like a tire losing all its air…like a candle melting into nothingness. I felt myself entering a dark abyss…losing myself and everything that has meaning…drowning in my own grief.

   I didn’t notice the cloud darkening…or the ringing of the phone…or the boiling of the kettle I set in the stove a while ago...but most importantly…I didn’t notice the pair of eyes that looked at me…silently watching me…falling apart…melting down…breaking into pieces.

   I lost it all…myself…my consciousness…my senses.

   The only thing that stuck in my mind...is the one that I wanted to forget the most.

   Yesung was gone…from this world…and from my life. Forever lost…and never to be found again…

-tbc-

A/N: OMG!! Writing 2 fanfic simultaneously is driving me crazy!!!!! Same characters but different personalities, settings, situation, POV!! Yeah,,I think Im going crazy >.> The pressure is also too much >.<

Anyway…hope you, won’t hate me too much because of what I did…trust me,,I don’t want to do it either..but I have to L

And Im sorry for the ending…I don’t know why I wrote it like that,,I initially planned to put all the drama and angst in this chapter but I changed my plan,,instead, the last part will be full of that…so….major angst coming up!!! xDD

I just love comments so can you give me some?? :D