To say Sehun is frustrated is putting it lightly. They've been at it since noon. The same routine, the same song, the same mistake.

"Again!" their dance instructor barks. 

Sehun can feel the glare from across the room. While he doesn't call out any names, Sehun knows that their instructor's patience for him is wearing thin. At the beginning, Sehun could just laugh it off all while bouncing around to each member and apologizing with a smile on his face. Now, the practice room is too serious, atmosphere too tense. He knows it's his fault, but Sehun's done this choreography so many times he feels like his legs are about to give out if he has to do groundwork again. Sehun feels Joonmyeon's hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. But it feels restricting, like a warning to do better. Sehun knows. He knows he's the reason they've been doing this same damn routine for the past five hours.

The music begins to bleed from the speakers again and the room echoes with the sound of their synchronized steps. They almost make it to the end and Sehun's brain is going into overdrive, chanting don't mess up, don't mess up, don't ing mess up. 

He's one beat off. Put his foot down too early. The sound is jarring. 

The music stops halfway through the last chorus and the only noise that fills the silence of the practice room is their ragged breaths. 

"Take a break. We'll do this again in ten. I expect it to be perfect." 

Sehun knows that last sentence was directed towards him. When the rest of the members grab water and walk out for air, Sehun slumps down against the wall and tucks his head in between his knees. The frustration inside him is building, waiting to explode. Why can't I get this right? It's not hard, so why can't I do it? The thoughts weigh heavy in his mind. There's a smaller voice that tells him maybe you're just not good enough. That's what all the articles online seem to say anyway. 

His eyes are burning all of a sudden, throat threatening to close up, chest heaving with a heavy sob that's about to escape from his lips.

"Sehun-ah?"

Sehun feels a hand around his shoulder and something cold press against his bare arm. He looks to the right and finds Jongdae smiling sweetly back at him. He's sweaty, but his smile is as bright as ever. That's your fault the voices say when he notices the exhaustion clinging onto Jongdae's face.

"Drink." 

Sehun shakes his head petulantly, returning back to his position. He's so close to crying, to bursting out in tears in the middle of practice and making a fool out of himself in front of all the members. 

"Sehun, can you look at me?" Jongdae's voice is soft, comforting.

Sehun's glad that Jongdae's arm around him doesn't tighten. He likes this looser feeling. Blinking furiously, Sehun lifts up his head slowly and props his chin on his arms. He doesn't look at Jongdae though. He's not sure what he'll see in those eyes. 

"We're not upset at you, I hope you know that," Jongdae reassures. 

Sehun glances around the room and finds Jongin and Chanyeol throwing empty water bottles at each other while Baekhyun is trying to interfere. Minseok is in the process of changing his shirt. Joonmyeon and Yixing are talking. Kyungsoo's on his phone. No one is glaring at him. Only then does Sehun look over at Jongdae. 

He's still smiling. 

"See? Now will you drink?" 

Sehun takes the bottle from Jongdae's fingers and uncaps it. "I'm sorry," he mumbles before tipping the bottle into his mouth. 

"It's understandable. The dance is hard," Jongdae soothes. 

"But everyone else is doing fine. It's just me." Sehun's lower lip trembles no matter how hard he's biting onto it. "We could have left and gone to eat hours ago, but we're here because of me." The first tear falls. Sehun  in a sharp breath and hides his face in between his legs again. 

The room goes silent when Sehun sniffles. 

He's trying so hard to hold back, to wipe the tears away, to keep quiet that he doesn't even notice that Baekhyun has plopped down to the empty spot to his left and Jongin has squeezed his feet in between Sehun's ankles.

"Don't worry about it, maknae. We'll be done soon." Baekhyun rests his head on Sehun's shoulder. "You'll get it next time." Jongin doesn't say much, just wiggles his sock-clad toes at Sehun and pokes at Sehun's toes through his shoes at odd intervals. He knows it'll evoke a laugh soon enough. Jongdae pulls Sehun so that he's holding Sehun's head firmly against his chest. He hums the song they've been dancing to softly so that only Sehun can hear. They sit like that until their instructor walks back into the room.

Baekhyun pulls him up. Jongin scoots away after pulling Sehun's right shoe off and lobbing it halfway across the room. Jongdae holds a hand against Sehun's lower back and guides him into his position. 

Sehun slips on his shoe, not daring to look at the instructor's face, and settles his eyes on his reflection in the mirror instead. Right before the music starts, he meets eyes with Jongdae, who nods subtly to acknowledge him. 

Ten minutes later, Chanyeol's on the phone ordering four pizzas to celebrate one day closer to their comeback.

Sehun likes the feeling on Jongdae's fingers on him, kneading into his flesh like it's play-dough. Most of the time, it's so soothing he'll fall asleep halfway through.

Today, Sehun isn't so lucky. He groans particularly loud when Jongdae's fingers press into his calf. 

"Would you have stopped anytime soon if I didn't come back to get you?" Jongdae questions, still massaging Sehun's leg. "Who would have saved you if your leg cramped up in the practice room at ten p.m.?"

Sehun bites his lip to muffle the pained noises that want to slip out. He also doesn't want to answer.

"I mean, I know you're trying really hard for the comeback, but you have to make sure that you're okay before all of that. If you're not healthy, there won't be a comeback for you to prepare for," Jongdae continues to lecture. 

Sehun whines. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry."

Jongdae pats his left ankle as a sign that he was done. Sehun feels the bed dip and a weight settle on his thighs. He cracks his eyes open and turns his head to find Jongdae lifting up the back of his shirt. "Hey, take this off," Jongdae says. Sehun pushes himself off of the bed just enough for Jongdae to slip the shirt over his arms and head. Sehun settles back down with a satisfied noise, eyes shutting again. The lotion is a shock to his warm skin, but when Jongdae begins to smear it across the expanse of his back, Sehun finds himself dozing off to the warm hands of his boyfriend.

"I'm going to record tomorrow. Do you want to go out after?" Jongdae's words break through the fuzzy haze in Sehun's brain. He barely comprehends it and makes a weird noise in response. Jongdae laughs. "Are you sleepy?" At Sehun's lethargic nod, Jongdae hums. "Then sleep."

On days where Jongdae is off doing stuff with Baekhyun and Minseok for CBX, Sehun curls up in his hyung's bed and pretends that he's just off in another room and will be back soon. 

Sehun feels the pressures of being an idol on the off days when all of the members aren't crowded around him. At least with them, he has someone to lean on, someone to hold him up if his legs give out. When he's alone, he has nothing but the vicious comments on the internet. 

Today, Sehun is wrapped up in Jongdae's with nothing but his toes sticking out from the end because it's even pulled up on his head. His elbows are on Jongdae's pillow, propping his phone up in front of his face. Sehun hums "Blooming Day" softly under his breath as he scrolls through Instagram. There isn't much to do, and the dorm is quiet because everyone is out doing something. Sehun belatedly thinks that he should have let Joonmyeon drag him along to the arcade where most of the members went. 

He's not thinking about much, just scrolling mindlessly and skimming over comments - all of which are asking when the comeback will be - when one catches his eye. Sehun doesn't even finish it because he only catches the words "useless" and "EXO doesn't need him," before all the annoying, intrusive thoughts hit him at once. He drops his phone on the pillow and rolls away, completely miscalculating how small Jongdae's bed was and falling right off the side. Sehun curls up on himself, thinking about all the missteps, wrong timings, and flat notes he's produced to make people think that way. He thinks of all the times he's never gotten more than one line because his voice wasn't good enough yet, or when another member gets the spotlight because they can crack jokes that are actually funny. 

Sehun thinks of what it would be like if he weren't an idol. Would life be easier then? Would he have to deal with those comments that question him, that make him question himself?

"What are you doing on the floor?" 

Sehun lifts his head to peek out from where the blanket has covered his vision. "Hi hyung," he mumbles before flopping right back onto the floor. 

"Hey, get up, we're going out remember? You promised me last night." Jongdae pulls at Sehun's big toe and then tries to yank the blanket off his body. "Come on!"

Sehun whines, wiggling away. The sight pulls a laugh out from Jongdae's lips and Sehun momentarily forgets his sadness to let the sound distract him. "Lay with me, hyung," Sehun says. 

Jongdae's lips curl into an affectionate smile and he follows, curling right up next to Sehun. His head rests on a folded arm, one draped over Sehun's back. His legs sandwich Sehun's between them. "Why are you on the floor, Sehunnie?"

And the insecurity is back. Sehun's brows furrow, forehead creasing.

Jongdae notices the change though and the hand on Sehun's back begins to trace shapes onto the blanket. "What happened?"

"Just...thinking."

"Oh no, that's never a good sign," Jongdae jokes. But when the words don't trigger the normal that's mean whine from Sehun, Jongdae's brows furrow too. "Hey, what's wrong?" 

Sehun shifts his body, rolling back and forth until Jongdae straightens out the arm he's laying on for Sehun to take. Sehun pillows into his hyung then, despite being a head taller, and pulls his arms out of the blanket burrito he's in to hug Jongdae closer. "Am I enough?" The spoken words are soft and barely audible. Sehun just wants to disappear.

"Of course you are. What makes you think you aren't?"

"I just keep thinking about how everyone has a place but I kind of just float around and try to fit in somewhere. I'm a dancer but there's Yixing-hyung and Jongin. I could be a rapper but there's Chanyeol-hyung and Minseok-hyung. I'm not a singer. I don't have a spot anywhere," Sehun spills. He breathes out shakily. "I don't know. I just feel replaceable and invisible sometimes."

Jongdae doesn't say a word, just holds Sehun closer despite the uncomfortable position. There are a lot of things he wants to say, but he knows that the silence will help Sehun think and that the physical reassurance that there's someone there will keep him grounded. He's done this many times ever since Luhan's departure. 

"Can we get chicken?" Sehun says after a while. "Hungry."

Jongdae smiles. "Of course, Sehunnie."

Sehun has a hood over his head to shield his newly dyed hair and face from all of the fans. Jongdae's cap is pulled low and his face mask covers much of what Sehun wants to see. 

"We could have just called for delivery," Sehun grumbles. 

"Exercise is good," Jongdae replies, pinching Sehun's side. "Though I supposed your three hours of extra practice was enough exercise." 

Sehun can imagine the raised eyebrow under the cap. "Just wanted to get better. Make sure it's perfect so I don't hold us back." 

"You don't, Sehun-ah. You're our maknae. You're our energy. You help bring us forward. That's only something that you can do. Everyone might have a role, and you might feel like you don't belong in any of them, but you're our only Sehun." Jongdae nudges Sehun's side with his shoulder. "You're absolutely amazing, and you're going to slay this comeback." He opens the door to the chicken restaurant and pulls Sehun inside. "You go order. I want the seasoned one." 

Sehun sticks his tongue out but acquiesces.

Their dinner goes by quick. Sehun's too busy eating while Jongdae's busy watching him eat with the brightest look in his eyes. They walk back to the dorms in a comfortable silence, Jongdae's arm slung over Sehun's shoulder. 

Sehun feels okay like this. He's happy like this. With Jongdae. 

Sehun naturally gravitates over to his hyung's side while they're all piled in the waiting room, getting ready for their first stage. 

The stylists have already made him change into his outfit and now he's waiting for Minseok and Chanyeol to finish getting their makeup done so he can go next. Jongdae's peering into Baekhyun's phone, teasing his horrible gameplay, and is pleasantly surprised when Sehun plops himself down on his lap like nobody's business. Sehun leans back, trying to catch glimpses of Baekhyun's game too. He catches Jongdae's fingers when his arms wrap around Sehun's waist. 

"Sehun, did you get your hair done yet?" someone calls.

"No," he replies. 

"Then go," Jongdae says, pushing Sehun off and patting his affectionately. "Get it done and come back to watch Baekhyun get ed." 

"Rude!" Baekhyun yells, kicking Jongdae lightly with his foot. 

Sehun crosses the room, carefully treading across Jongin, who's somehow knocked out against the clothing rack with his phone and charger cable. Sehun takes the liberty to plug in the phone. Sehun soon finds himself sitting with his feet pulled up to his chest while Kyungsoo messes around with his purple locks. 

"Shouldn't noona be doing this?"

Kyungsoo shakes his head. "No?" 

"Okay," Sehun says simply. He trusts Kyungsoo with his hair. 

At one point, the makeup noona comes over and so Sehun is stuck in the chair for another fifteen minutes while she dolls him up. By the time he's free, it's Jongdae's turn to get his hair done and Sehun is left sitting on the side with nothing to do. Yixing slides into the seat next to him and leans his head on Sehun's shoulder. 

"You'll do fine," he reassures. "Don't worry about it. Just do it like we've been practicing."

Sehun finds himself smiling. "Thank you, hyung." 

The anticipation of finally standing on stage again to prove all of those annoying comments wrong was the only motivation that Sehun needed to get through today. And, well, Jongdae's smile too.

As soon as it came, it was over just as fast. 

Sehun spent his first day after promotions lazing around on the couch in a thin tank top and sweatpants. Chanyeol and Baekhyun have set up the X-box in the living room as well and their loud voices have made it hard for Sehun to chase the nap that he so desperately wanted. It didn't help that Joonmyeon was trying to make commentary about the game that didn't make anyone laugh at all. 

"You guys are too loud!" Sehun whines. 

No one spares him a glance. 

Huffing, Sehun pushes himself off the sofa and bounds into the kitchen where Kyungsoo is squinting at his iPad screen while his hands are furiously beating eggs in a giant bowl. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"Making cookies cause I'm bored. Want to help?"

That's why Jongdae finds him twenty minutes later with flour all over himself. "You look like a mess," he comments. 

"I told him to be careful but he dropped all of the flour," Kyungsoo grunts. He hip bumps Sehun out of the way while he sweeps the kitchen floor. "Alright, go clean yourself up." 

Sehun apologizes again and pulls Jongdae out of the kitchen with him. 

"You should take a shower," Jongdae scolds. "You'll get flour all over the carpet if you keep walking everywhere."

Sehun pouts but lets Jongdae push him towards the bathroom. "Did you shower yet? Shower with me?"

Jongdae makes a face. "I'll bring your clothes to you. Leave the door unlocked." He winks and presses a short kiss to Sehun's cheek, somehow untouched by flour. "Go." A few moments later, when Sehun's already under the spray of warm water, Jongdae slides into the small bathroom and begins rolling up his pant legs. "I'll wash your hair. Sit down," he commands.

"Yes, sir," Sehun jokes. He folds his limbs and hunches forward.

Jongdae sits on the edge of the bathtub with Sehun between his legs. He squeezes shampoo into his palm and begins to run his fingers through the faded purple locks. "What did you do all day?"

Sehun hums, already falling into a half asleep stupor because of the soothing gestures. "Try to sleep. Fail at baking cookies. Miss you."

"That's cute." Jongdae turns on the water to wash the suds on his hands away. "Want me to scrub your back too?" 

"Whatever you want hyung," comes the reply.

Of course. Only Sehun would fall asleep in the shower.

Sehun only gets a week or so of break before he gets news that he's been offered a role in a movie. He was excited until Manager-hyung read the fine print. 

"Filming's in America. If you take this, we'll leave in two weeks."

Sehun's face falls. "Oh," is all he can say.

Jongdae's more than ecstatic at the news though. "You're going to do great!"

The feeling in his gut says otherwise. "What if I don't do well? What if the movie flops?" Sehun picks at the dry skin on his lips. "I don't know. America is really far, too." Sehun hugs his knees to his chest and watches as Jongdae spins around on his chair. "I don't know if I can do it, hyung."

Jongdae's face softens and he leaves his chair to join Sehun on the bed. He curls up right next to his boyfriend in the same position, but takes one of Sehun's hand in his own. "I know you can do it. You've proved time and time again that you're perfectly capable of a lot of things." Running his fingers over Sehun's knuckles, Jongdae continues. "I know it's hard and you doubt yourself a lot, but if you don't trust yourself, at least take my word for it. You're going to be amazing." He smiles, eyes crinkling and lips curving at the edges. "You'll be fine." He butts Sehun with his head lightly. "Believe me?"

Speechless, Sehun can only nod. His heart is just so full and there are butterflies making a mess in his stomach. "Have I ever told you how much I love you, hyung?" Sehun asks, as he cradles Jongdae's face in his hands.

Jongdae lets out a small chuckle. "Many, many times."

Sehun finds himself grinning as he pulls Jongdae in for a kiss.