Five: The memory of you.

More Christmas was not far, more Changmin felt like the universe did wrong him in any way nobody could think about.

This time around, for the third year, the man was going to spend that festive day alone while looking at all the photo albums he had of his life built with his beautiful wife since their first meeting until that fateful day, where he had lost her forever with their unborn baby.

The clockmaker had bore with everyone and everything until now. Not without sarcasm as it was the only way for him to stay sane. But, this time, Changmin felt like giving up on living like nothing had happened.

The man was there, standing in the cold living room of his house, avoided of any presence of his late wife but filled with a homemade and motherly fragrant cooking coming from the kitchen.

Changmin could only heave a sigh, not ready to face his mother who seemed so adamant to make him move on, or else, he could hurt her with his abrupt words. The older woman was trying her best to get her son back on track since they had buried his wife and unborn child years ago. Meaning she wanted the smiling and happy son she had raised to be a capable man with dreams and ambitions in life. However, since that car's accident, Changmin had changed for the worse for almost a lot of people of his entourage.

Cold and nonchalant turning sarcastic.

His gloomy mood and heartless behaviour had pushed those people away from his circle of friends. And only good friends still coped with him. Not a few, only two. Laughable, right? But he did not care as he did not want much.

Kim Jaejoong and his other half, Jung Yunho were enough as they knew better not too push him too far, accepting his change for as they respected his decision to make things better by his own self.

"Oh! Changminnie! You're here."

The man said nothing as he looked at his mother who was now walking towards him with her soft smile painting on her lips, while cleaning her hands on the apron his Maki used to wear when she thought of cooking something for the two of them. Rare it was, but she could boil some eggs and make the best dark and bitter coffee he had drunk in his small life. And seeing his beautiful wife walking around this kitchen was enough for the man to be the happiest man in this world.

Alas, life had something else in store for him.

"Here! Go sit down." The older woman added still joyful and as if she owned the place.

And that smile of her irked him the most as she did things on her own way, mostly when she used his wife's belongings without permission. Be it his mother or anyone in his family, nothing had to change the scent she left behind. Not when time passed by and her scent was starting to fade away, which only meant his misery. Unlike her, Jaejoong knew better to use his own apron when the man visited him in order to keep him alive with his good cooking. The best Changmin could say compared to his mother's.

No offense. But as time passed by, the man had grown up liking his friend's cooking more than his mother's. And even if his wife did not know how to cook, she still made him the best egg sandwiches in this world.

"Umma." He called her out with a stern tone. A tone he knew was inappropriate when facing the parent who gave birth to him. But, the clockmaker did know why he always feel oppressed when he was in the same room as his mother. Her way to deal the death of his wife was offending to him, a man who wanted so much to keep her memory untouched, while the older woman paraded in his life as if his Maki never existed.

"Yes, Changmin?" His mother asked expectantly as she was looking at her son with a loving smile which only aggravated the man's feel.

"How many time do I have to say to you not to use that apron?" He said quietly, trying to keep his anger at bay as he was looking at his mother with defiance.

"I was going to let you sleep more." The older woman let out as she did not mind what her son was telling her. She knew very well that the latter was still in his bad mood since his wife's death. However, she was hoping to see him change for the best. Alas, Changmin was still living in the past, and she hated her late daughter-in-law for holding her precious child away from a great life.

"Take it out." He hissed, disliking her way to paying no mind at his every words. She was the best to ignore his thoughts and feelings since long time ago. So, why would she change now?

"As you're here, let's eat together." She continued as she returned to the stove. "I made you some Korean breakfast. I bet, you don't eat something hot often as you always have the tendency of thinking about your business than yourself." The older woman nodded quietly. "Oh! Jaejoong was there not long ago. He made some egg sandwiches and was going to eat them with you. He said something like Yunho is out of the town since yesterday because of his wine business. So, he feels a bit lonely. But he saw me here and just let us be between mother and son." She added while pouring some stew in a bowl. "How considerate of him! If only he was not in a relationship with a man..." She breathed out lowly with a shake of her head, disapproving the way of life of his son's friend.

And Changmin could hear her disdain about his two friends.

The woman was not going to say it out loud. But, she did not like this kind of relationship between the same gender. Sinful for a conservative person as her. And sometimes, she could not hide her disgust from her whole being when she landed her eyes on his two good friends if not ignoring them until she had to swallow her own pride in order to get to her son who was forsaking her with no phone calls or eventually no paying her visit for a few months.

Fortunately, he had very good friends who did not mind her outrageous behaviour towards them. Yunho and Jaejoong had made peace with themselves and the people around them to only focusing onto their own happiness. After all the drama they did experience because of the people around them, the two men had made peace with their own hearts and minds. If nobody was welcoming them, they did not care anymore, only family and close friends mattered for the lovely couple. And since they got together again, this time, it was only for them to grab what was their happiness not others.

Changmin felt proud of them for being this brave. However, there was time, the man felt indignant for them. Mostly when it came to his family. And right now, adding to the stubbornness of the older woman, her reluctance about his only friends was getting on his nerves.

"Umma! I said take it out." The man repeated aloud this time. He wasn't yelling at his own mother, but the feeling was there. Every time she behaved this stubbornly, he only wanted to put some senses into her mind. But, he knew better than anyone that the woman was not going to listen to any of his words, only believing on her own belief.

"Changmin." The older woman, Shim Haewon, heaved a sigh as she knew what her son wanted since the start. "Let's just have a quiet breakfast together." She added ignoring his plead and frustration.

The man felt like talking to a wall. And at this state, he would like to have his breakfast with his friend more than facing his mother in this moments and days. He heaved a sigh and shook his head lightly. Why did he have a mother like her? Jaejoong's mother was a very understanding woman, as for Yunho, his mother had made peace with her own turmoil and let go of all her grudges and despairs for the better of her son.

But her, Shim Haewon was the kind of woman who only thought of herself, quit to denigrate her own son's thoughts and wants. Eventually his wife... his poor late wife...

"Umma! You know I hate it when people use her belongings. I should not even explain that to you out of all the people knowing me."

"She's not here anymore." She scoffed nonchalantly.

"I know!" Changmin snarled angrily, hating her cold behaviour when it came to his late wife. Her demeanour only hurt him more than if she was pitying him. In his eyes, his mother behaved as if his Maki never existed. And out of all the people around him, he expected a little bit of compassion from her, the parent who did give birth to him. But, there was nothing. "Do you think I don't know in what kind of situation I am since that day?" He asked out loud, looking straight at her. "I am the first to know that she left me behind."

"Leaving you behind... It's a great description to her selfishness." She let out. "She should have known better not to walk around the town. Mostly in her condition."

"Stop! Don't talk as if she planned it." Changmin said angrily. "Don't forget that what happened was also your fault." He let out aloud.

"How dare you..."

"Don't play innocent. That day, she was planning on staying home. But you... you asked her to meet you. I was there when you called her. As my mother and her mother-in-law, she could not refuse your invitation. Of course, if she did, we're going to hear you for how long we don't know." Changmin scoffed sarcastically. "And you know what? Wanting to make things right with you, she was hit by a car on her way to see you." He added with a sardonic laugh. "And you had the nerve of calling me to complain about her being late while she was wheeling into the nearby hospital fighting for her life but also for our unborn baby." He shouted out loud, his voice filled with despair and anger. "And here, you're living your life as if nothing happened. But I can't. Every morning I wake up alone and cold in our bed. Not only that, I go to sleep alone too. Every night... And it's been almost three years..." He breathed out painfully while clenching his finger onto the fabric of his t-shirt. He needed air but he did not know how to breathe. The pain was too intense. The thought of that day made him felt like the ground was swallowing him alive. "Time passes and everything about her seems to fade away, even her scent. The warm she has left is turning into a cold breath day after day. And I hate that. I only want to preserve what she left of her... even little it is... How can you not understand my feelings?" He asked in a shaking voice. "I just want to keep things like they were when she was still at my sides. There's nothing wrong... nothing wrong..."

"She's dead. And I'm not the one who ran over her. You can't keep on putting all the blame on me." Haewon said coldly as she was eyeing her son. "You have to move on. It's been-"

Changmin could not help but let out a scoff laugh at his mother's words. He looked at her with a cold stare, hating the older woman to the core as she never understood his pain and sorrow. Not even before. Not even now.

How could she?

That woman who claimed to be a loving mother was after all a selfish and narcissistic person. There was no one better than her, even her son, him, was nothing compared to her own happiness. No wonder his father had walked away from her.

"If I did keep blaming you for her death I would not even stand here in front of you. Or letting you walk into my life as you please. No, I would gladly erase your existence for the best of me. But I did not. And you should thank to my two best friends. I wanted so much to push you away from my life but Yunho and Jaejoong convinced me that doing that was not a great idea. You're my mother after all. And you were not at fault. Right! You were not that drunken driver who had hit her. But, seeing you like this, I should follow my own belief. I should ignore you for good!"

"At least they can be reasonable in their deviant life." The older woman let out, not really happy to know that those two men were the reason for her son to still talk with her.

"Stop looking down on others because they aren't like what you expected them to be." Changmin shook his head. "And no! I won't and will never move on." He added angrily. "Not when this heart of mine is still crying after her." The clockmaker cried as he hit his fist over his chest, where his beating heart was located. A sick beating heart that only wanted one thing. His wife.

He wanted her back. But, he knew he could not ask much from life as the deceased people never rece they left out their last breath.

"Stop that young man!" Mrs. Shim grunted as she was looking at her son. "You're not a pathetic boy who throws a tantrum for his broken favourite toy. Don't close yourself because of one woman. A woman who did not even deserve you to begin with!"

"You're awful." Changmin let out, glaring at his mother for being this disrespectful towards his late wife.

Maki was a kind and loving woman. She did not deserve this kind of attitude from his mother, who never loved her from the first time they saw each other. Changmin's mother had seen on her someone who was going to keep her son away from her, and mostly from the path she had planned for the latter.

And Shim Haewon was not wrong as she saw her son leaving behind everything she had built for him to embrace a clockmaker career instead of being the business manager his degree made him to be.

For that, the older woman was never going to forgive that woman.

"You can complain. But as your mother, I'm not happy about her leaving you in this state." The older woman said with a hint of anger, being fed up about her son unjustified anger towards her. "You deserve much more than this pitiful life. You're a smart man. You have so much to give and take from others. And this!" She gestured to what was Changmin's home sweet home, which was a nightmare for her every time she step into this semblance of warm and small and happy house. "Why? Why do you want to confine yourself in this life which is not for you? Life is wild. Life is much better than you think. And now that she's not here anymore, you don't have to keep on working as a clockmaker. You studied to be a business manager. There are so much companies that need you. Repairing a clock... a wristwatch... Do you think is something good for you?"

"Does it matter?" He asked as tears pooled in his eyes, feeling dejected at his own mother's demeanour. Since he had left for Japan for his study and return with a Japanese wife without her knowledge, Shim Haewon was never kind about his choice of life, always being critical and pushing them all into difficult situations. But he did not care as he had Maki at his sides. He wasn't going to live with his parents forever, mostly his mother. And he had his own choices to do in order to find his own happiness.

Maki was his happiness.

Yes was...

"It does. She turned you into this... a man who I don't know anymore." She heaved a sigh as she was looking at the pathetic figure of her one and only son. "You should never let her rule your life, nor your heart. She was the kind of woman to hurt you a lot. And look at you now. Pitiful." She shook her head.

"Pitiful..."

"You are. And I did not raise you to be this lamentable. You're a disappointment. Look at all your cousins! They did great in their lif-"

"I don't care." The man gritted through his teeth, cutting his mother off. "Their lives don't matter to me. They do whatever they want. I'm only the owner of my life. So, stop please!"

"You should hold onto yourself before being nothing." She chided as she persisted and continued. "I hate her for making you like this. And I will hate her for-"

"Stop blaming her!" Changmin shouted as he was losing his patience. "She did nothing for you to hate her that much. Only falling in love with me, your son. You should be thankful of her for wanting to spend the rest of her life with me."

"Thankful?!" She asked with a sceptical tone.

"And I'm not you." The man continued as he did not care about her opinion. She never cared about his so why should he care about hers? "Don't project your own misery on me. Maki left me because she had no choice. She's dead. And she won't come back. Because there's no miracle. And you! It's different. You drove appa away with your temper. No! You looked down on him for being not the man you think he was. So what? Being a traditional cake maker is a shame for you? Why did you marry him to begin with? You're a vain woman. You're a superficial person. Don't make me hate you than I am already." He breathed out angrily. Then, his eyes set on the kitchen table with all the dishes his mother had cooked for him. In a swift move, the man stepped towards the table and swept away all the plates, making them crash down on the floor with his mother looking at him with a horrendous look. "This... I don't need them." He let out with a cold voice, turning to face the older woman. "And don't ever bother to cook anything from now on. You're not welcoming in this house. A house I built with my wife. Your presence can only insult her memory." He added as he was staring at her.

The clockmaker moved a step, two steps, then turned his back on his mother with no words. He climbed up the stairs to hide himself in his bedroom, feeling annoying with his own mother.

The older woman remained silent as she was keeping her eyes on the meal she had prepared for the latter that had found their fate on the floor. She was not going to complain but, she could not deny the hurt she was feeling at being rejected by her one and only son over and over again. The woman had put so much faith on Changmin after her marriage had fallen apart years ago.

And she was not going to lose her son after all she had done for him. Not to that woman she never appreciated at their first meeting. She could learn to like that Japanese woman if things were been different. But, Changmin had come back from Japan with a wife without her consent.

The older woman let out a sigh as she walked towards the bottom of the stairs.

"Christmas is near, around the corner. I hope you will be celebrating it with us." She said quietly, calling after her son, behavin