Hella…

 

He had wondered for a long, long time what that name was supposed to mean. How she’d gotten it. Whether it was just wordplay, whether it was shallow and vulgar and simply implying that she was there to create hell on Earth.

 

Or was she another one of those beings that needed to be locked away in order for the world to be able to function normally? A being that, though it wanted to plant roses and live in a sunny, bright world, could do nothing but destroy it once it was allowed to roam freely?

 

Was Hella evil because she was angry for being locked away, or did it go the other way around?

 

What could one expect to find upon looking into the eyes of such a being?

 

Because she was not of this world, there was no doubt about it. She was there to torture him and take him back to hell with her, if only he’d let her.

 

Of course it wouldn’t be worth it to get close to her. Of course it would make no sense to try to establish any kind of communication with her. Shoot her first, then communicate with her, if she doesn’t die instantly.

 

Hella wouldn’t go out like that, he knew. She’d go out in an explosion, with a loud bang that everyone would remember forever. It would be bloody, there would be screaming and shouting and she would make sure that she was avenged.

 

When things were like this - when the setting was right, when he was alone and walking down the street, it was easy to reason with himself. It was easy to remind himself of what she’d done, of who she was and of all the crimes she’d committed. Of how much he hated her and wanted to make her pay for destroying his life.

 

Yet a part of him was still in that night, in that water, kissing those tears away, feeling how warm her body was, how strongly her heart beat beneath his own, so undeniably human and imperfect like it was supposed to be.

 

She wasn’t human. No human could pull the trigger and kill so many innocent people. And she had killed so, so many during the past eleven years. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see their faces. Did she see them behind closed eyelids, too?

 

“Kim Jong In,” the captain roared. He straightened his back, hoping nobody could see how much he was shaking.

 

This was it.

 

The hunt would start today.

 

His mother had ironed his uniform this morning. She was so happy; she was singing and laughing to herself, as if her son was getting married.

 

As if she didn’t know what was the cause of this. What was its goal.

 

“I hereby declare that you have satisfied the requirements. You have done your duty conscientiously, you have completed all your field work successfully, and you have achieved the best grades in all your classes.” A moment of pause brought uninterrupted silence. He sought out his mother with his eyes, but the lights on the stage were too bright, and the crowd too big.

 

Are you watching, brother? The hunt begins today.

 

“I declare that from today, you are a detective. You will serve humanity, work your hardest to catch the most vicious of criminals and help this world become a better place.” His hands were shaking, so he balled them into fists. The uniform felt heavy, as if he already had dozens of ranks and stars on his shoulders.

 

I swear I will catch her, or die trying.

 

“Good luck, my son. You sure will need it.”

 

And I will make her pay for killing my brother.

 

She had always managed to evade all his traps. He had done everything he could to find out all there was to know about her, yet even after eleven years, he had no idea what her true identity was.

 

He had posed as a criminal, joined various gangs and spent months at the black market, learning to find his way through that world of anarchy and misery.

 

He had learned to turn a blind eye upon watching various crimes unfold right in front of him. He could not blow his cover by shooting at a man buying an underage girl as if she was a thing at an auction. He knew that was true, actually - they all saw her as such.

 

He would not lean to help a man who’d been stabbed in the back and robbed before placing his bid. He learned that justice found its way to everyone, sooner or later.

 

He bought and took it to his boss, and then took the care to disappear before they discovered he actually wasn’t a drug addict.

 

He used to come home often, but his burden was too large for him to be able to close the drawers and pretend everything was alright when he took his uniform off. No matter how hard he tried, his worries and problems just wouldn’t glue themselves to the stars on the shoulders of the uniform. It seemed as if they were glued to his shoulders instead.

 

His mom saw the creases around his eyes. He knew she wanted to curse the day he’d become a detective, but she never said a thing about it. She just stopped saying how she was so proud of him for being the protector of humanity.

 

What a protector he was. All he could ever do was just witness Hella’s crimes - he’d never stopped a single one.

 

So one day, he decided he had to leave. Whether because he wanted to wallow in his own misery without her having to share the pain with him, or to not have to face her and tell her that he was just another coward, he didn’t know. He would never be his brother.

 

“Tae,” he said breathlessly, “There’s a woman on the line - she says she needs to talk to you-”

 

“Gimme that,” his brother answered in a harsh manner, taking the phone out of his hands quickly. He didn’t understand why Tae was so secretive about this. He’d rather enjoyed the woman’s voice, and wished he knew what the face of the owner looked like.

 

His brother shooed him away while mumbling something to the woman. “Good,” was all he could decipher before the phone was safely tucked away in his jean pocket.

 

Well, there went his chance of playing some Flappy Bird.

 

“Now,” his brother said, putting his hands in front of him threateningly, “If I remember correctly, I was going to tickle the life out of you, you sneaky little thing that steals their older brother’s telephones-”

 

He was interrupted by a very girly scream from Kai, who decided that getting tickled by Tae was definitely not something he wanted to try again.

 

A moment of later, he was a puddle on the floor, sobbing or laughing or just plain not thinking about anything, he did not know.

 

He glanced as his brother, who was still intent on making him die of laughter. His face was bright, his eyes concentrated and happy, and everything in the world was right.

 

If only it could last.

 

The memories were everlasting, but the moments of happiness and carelessness were something he hadn’t experienced in a long while. He couldn’t imagine himself living a normal life, doing mundane things such as laughing or taking a day off.

 

There was no day off when it came to Hella.

 

What would he do when she was dead? Whose body would he clutch, trying to get closer to the fire he knew was too hot for handling? All he would get would be burns, yet he couldn’t bear living in the cold anymore.

 

San Francisco was home. Him and Tae had declared the city their fort back when they were kids - or, well, back when Tae was a teenager and him a kindergarten kid - and they’d made sure that they covered as much territory as they could, securing a wide perimeter around areas of interest.

 

Chinatown was not one of them, of course. It was the exact reason why Kai was walking through that part of town now. The shady bricks did not remind him of anything. He would have peace here, in this city that meant everything and nothing to him at the same time.

 

And then he saw it.

 

Peace?

 

There was no such thing as peace for him. Not even in this sad place that meant nothing to him.

 

There was a smudge on the street, a glitch in the matrix. Something that didn’t belong here, not even in front of the burned-down store that held no attractions for even the weirdest of tourists.

 

No. This was a person that didn’t belong anywhere. Oh, he knew well how that felt.

 

His heart told him to keep walking, to not stop until he was behind her and until his arms were brave enough to reach out. To do what? Embrace a monster? Or to do what he knew was right, what he should’ve done in that safehouse?

 

Could he ever pay for that mistake? How many more people would die because he was too weak, because he was still a coward even after all this time?

 

Why do I keep betraying you like this, brother?

 

His feet stopped moving. He did not know what he was doing on this deserted street in the middle of the night. He did not see the people passing by, nor the lights of the nearby shops, nor the darkness of long-forgotten abandoned dreams. He had enough darkness of his own to look away from anyway.

 

She was beautiful. He could not see her face, and she was dressed in black, but the blonde locks with the little specks of silver that he knew were carefully and deliberately added to contribute to her uniqueness gave her away and blew her cover.

 

It was her. She was alone, in a place he never would’ve dreamed of seeing her, and she was beautiful.

 

Was it a punishment or a prize? Why did he have to face this choice time and time again?

 

Why did he have to choose the wrong thing over and over again?

 

He did not know for how long they both stood there, her in the middle of the street and him on the other side, too far away to be noticed even by her expert gaze.

 

He did not know where she was taking them. Not until it was too late. Not until he couldn’t breathe from wondering, calculating and constantly changing his decision.

 

Why did fate keep throwing her onto his path? It seemed as if, once they’d seen each other face to face, they could never untangle themselves from each other again.

 

What is your true name, Hella?

 

She did not glance around herself. Not a single time. She settled for staring into nothingness on that bridge. He waited.

 

Why do you murder people, Hella?

 

She did not see him moving closer to her. She did not feel the fear flowing through his veins, the fear that was actually poison he couldn’t get rid of. He should’ve been happy, not afraid.

 

Why aren’t you moving your head away, detective?

 

Why wasn’t she walking away from this place? What was it that she was looking at? Could he somehow break through and see her memories?

 

Could he somehow give her his own? He did not want her to…

 

But it would be easier for them if she made that choice for them…

 

“We’re going to conquer the world someday, Tae,” he announced, a plastic sword in his hands, rising high towards the sky, “We’re going to protect this city and all its citizens, and punish all the criminals for their evil deeds.”

 

Tae was not a teenager anymore. He was not that old, but there was something about him, something inside and around his eyes that made him look as if he’d seen things. As if he wasn’t quite his brother anymore.

 

He struggled, but after blinking a couple of times, Tae was again the perfect older brother who would become the city’s vigilante and help him fight crime.

 

Tae laughed, and all his worries disappeared. “You bet,” he said through laughter and climbed the bridge’s railing. “The world will remember us as the Kim brothers!”

 

Then he laughed again, and Kai knew it was real.

 

Jongin turned his head, not sure if the laughter from his memories was real, because he was certain he’d heard something.

 

Her hand was on the railing.

 

Damn it, why was he afraid? Why was he shaking? What was it that he had to lose? Instead of going home, instead of going to see his mother to say that this time, he’d fought her face-to-face, and though he hadn’t won, he…

 

He had betrayed them. And the memory of his brother. But worse than that, it was himself that he had betrayed.

 

His treacherous hands reached out for her. He was still suffocating, still trying to swim underwater with his eyes closed, and against all reason, she was his lighthouse, this black hole that stole all the light for herself and never gave anything back.

 

He tried to reason with himself again. This was not her, the cold-blooded murderer he was chasing.

 

No, the person he was holding in his arms… She was a woman, and she was hurting…

 

He took in a deep breath and held her tightly to his chest. Then he began walking. Where to, he did not know. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t do anything but walk.

 

He should’ve gone home, to see his mother. To make her smile and pretend he was alright, even for a little while.

 

But what would he say? That he was- that she was-

 

When she had said that she’d wanted to die… Why couldn’t he let her? Hell, why couldn’t he help her?

 

Why was he still afraid?

 

Now, the night was ending, and he was ending with it. His whole body was burning - from the long trek, or because she had somehow managed to find peace with her head buried in his chest. He’d settled for pretending the latter hadn’t happened at all, so it must’ve been the exhaustion.

 

It had been a long time since he’d been here.

 

He hadn’t thought he’d ever come here again, actually. And now the waves were crashing against the shore, the ocean merciless but calm, and he felt more at peace than ever.

 

“If I were to fall into the water, would I just float in the Pacific forever?”

 

Taemin laughed and ruffled his hair. He was sitting behind Kai, his hands around his waist, keeping him safe. He’d wanted to show that he was brave, but at the same time, he felt thankful for the small gesture that made him feel more secure.

 

His brother always kept him safe, no matter what. There was no reason to worry - he knew they’d both be fine.

 

“Why on Earth would you say that? Why would you fall into the water?” His voice was light, and though Kai felt a bit cold, his thoughts were more important than keeping himself warm. He turned towards his brother, looked him in the eyes pointedly, and then pointed towards the distance.

 

It was as scary and empty as always, the ocean blue and endless and mysterious. He didn’t want to find out about its secrets.

“But we all have to fall into the water sometimes, brother. And if there was nobody looking for us, we’d just stay floating there, in the distance, forever.” He gulped, still trying to figure out whether his brother was the only person in the world who’d never fallen into the water. He wasn’t sure, but he kinda had a feeling that if anyone could pull it off, it would be him.

 

“Would you find me?” he asked in a low voice, suddenly afraid of his brother’s answer. “If I got lost?”

 

Kai did not dare move.

 

Her head moved from its safe place in his chest. He did not know how tangled they were with each other - she was so small that she fit easily in his lap, but her arms had found their way around his waist, into his jacket and to his back, putting him into a deadlock that didn’t allow him anything but watching her and waiting for her next move.

 

It appeared that he would get his sentence soon.

 

Her eyes opened, and they were not black. Not sinister, not the color of the night. Not the color of the blade she was carrying with her.

 

Was the blade as heavy as the tallies on his shoulders?

 

Something broke inside of him when he realized that she wasn’t going to move away. He’d expected her to recoil from him, to scream and shout and throw all weapons she could find on him in a desperate attempt to get away, to get back into the world of the shadows.

 

But she just kept staring at him, and he was thankful for her silence.

 

They did not need words. They did not have words, for what words could they say?

 

This was unnatural, wrong, and so utterly, completely pointless.

 

But still, he… Could he dare to…

 

Her hands did not move from their place on his body; they kept burning through his clothes, letting some poison in, a poison he knew he’d never find the cure for. A poison that would lead him to madness, one he would never get rid of. One he would not want to get rid of.

 

Her body shifted, though, until she could see where they were. A strange kind of childish embarrassment seized him, and alongside curses and insecurities, a question rose up inside of him: would she like it?

 

He’d loved this place because it was never utterly dark here. It was never utterly silent, with the sound of the waves crashing against the cliffs. One could see the stars, the lights of the city, and the lighthouse which was in charge of keeping everyone safe.

 

And now, even though it was still dark, he could see her eyes as she turned to look at him again. He could feel her quick heartbeat and hear her shallow breaths, and he did not know what he was doing.

 

Her hand on his back started moving until it reached his nape. Then her fingers wound into his hair, and he heard another piece breaking.

 

He knew that, before this was over, not a single piece would remain whole.

 

What is your name, Hella?

 

She turned in his lap again, and he couldn’t help but want to get accustomed to this feeling of having a beast as a pet. The selfish part of him wanted to take her and change her until the darkness disappeared from her eyes.

 

He knew it was impossible. Some of that darkness had seeped into him some time during the last eleven years, silently and from an ambush, one he had known nothing about.

 

He would not go home, he knew. Not until Taemin was avenged. Not until she died.

 

But tonight, he…

 

“Jongin,” she whispered in a hollow, broken voice that was unmistakingly human. She was human, she was not a monster, she could be saved, he could not… “What are we doing, Jongin?”

 

He did not know.

 

“Hella,” was all he could say. Another piece broke off him and tumbled into the ocean. Would he float away tonight?

 

“Why can’t you kill me?” she said in a high-pitched voice, a voice that was meant to sound strong, but he could hear the fear and desperacy in it clearly. She pulled the hair at his nape strongly. “Why don’t you just end it? Why do you keep torturing me like this?”

 

He did not know.

 

“Hella.”

 

Her hand left his nape and joined the other one as she shifted in his lap once again until they were face-to-face. Her hands balled into fists, and then she hit him straight into the chest, right where her head had been resting mere moments ago. “What have you done to me, you bastard? What have you done to me?”

 

He caught her hands in his own. Her tears were reflecting the light of the lighthouse.

 

He did not want his voice to shake, but he knew that it would. “I brought us here because you and I, we are the same.

 

We are not meant to sit in front of the lighthouse.

 

We are meant to gaze at it from a distance. Always in the shadows. Always cold. Never in front of the lights, never seen by anyone, never feeling the warmth of the world on our faces.”

 

“I am the shadows,” she whispered. He couldn’t let her hands out of his own. She was the anchor holding the broken pieces together - he would not live to see the dawn if she moved away now.

 

What were they even doing?

 

“And I am…” he stumbled for words as the weight of the tollies got heavier. I am your protection from the light. Though all I wish is to see you burn to ashes, I am keeping you safe from it.

 

“I am the only person who has the right to chase the shadows away.”

 

For some reason, his hands decided to intertwine with her own. He did not want to think about the fact that she accepted the gesture eagerly.

 

“So chase them away, Jongin,” she whispered.

 

If only he could.

 

The sky had changed color. It was no longer black, no longer full of small lanterns that were ensuring their peace, that were concealing them from the world.

 

They could not pretend they were not enemies anymore. He was the hunter, and she was the deer, and she would get caught in the headlights soon.

 

But he needed to chase the shadows away, at least for a moment. If he could make her eyes remain as blue as the Pacific he was so scared of, he could die happy.

 

So he brought her closer to himself, and they tangled again, her hands finding their rightful places on his body as their lips met in a small, gentle kiss.

 

He felt the Sun’s first rays on his skin. The illusion was fading, and pieces of him were breaking and crumbling down, down into the ocean where they would never be found.

 

Would you find me? If I got lost?

 

She could be saved, and he could not save her. Not when he was poisoned, not when he was dying, when his heart had been ripped out of his chest and taken away forever.

 

He was a detective. How many more lives would be lost because he was failing to fulfill his duty? Because he could not see right from wrong or know the difference between the silver color of her hair and the Sun?

 

Because a treacherous part of him thought that she was the Sun?

 

What is your first name, Hella?

 

He kissed her again. And again. His back hit the wooden boards that were holding the small bridge leading to the lighthouse together. He did not care if everything collapsed; all he needed was more of that poison.

 

“I would find you, little brother,” Tae had said in a light tone. “Don’t ever doubt that. I would search the whole ocean and not stop until I found you. So if you ever get lost, just sit tight and wait for me to come for you.”

 

He was lost now. He was more lost than he’d ever been, panting into as she moaned his name. He wanted to hear it over and over again, rolling off her lips as if it was an insult. Everything about her was twisted and sinful, and he needed to see her bathed in light as her real self was uncovered.

 

“You are not evil,” he whispered right into her ear, making her gasp. “No evil can look like this. No evil can feel like this.”

 

What if I don’t want to be found, Tae?

 

She opened her eyes, and they were no longer the peaceful Pacific he’d wanted to get lost in.

 

No man would want to get lost in the endless storm that was resting in her eyes. She could not be saved. He could not save her. He could not prevent her from hurting people.

 

But he got lost anyway.

 

How will you find me, brother?

 

Brother?