"What do you mean you don't celebrate your birthday!?"


I nearly fell off my bed as the voice on the other line completely woke me up from languor. It was 5AM and I couldn't ponder why I even had the spunk to pick up my handphone. Maybe I thought it was annoying with that really loud ring. Maybe I wanted to turn it off, but instead of sliding onto end call, I accidentally answered it. (Totally not on purpose, come on, I was half-asleep!)


"No way! Screw that... I'm going to plan a huge party, no arguments!" It was Hakyeon hyung on the other line. I can hear him clearly with the penetrating sound of his voice. No offense, I respect him because he's older by a few but I never wanted to stop calling him hyung so badly. I wanted to ask him how he was able to talk so loudly at that time of the day, or how he even found out that it was my birthday. Instead, I murmured, "Go back to sleep, hyung..." But he must've not heard as he continued to annoy me and tell me to get up and jog with him. I refused and told him that there was a purpose why we didn't have classes on Thursdays and Fridays — to get some rest. I heard him laugh and I could sense he was ignoring my remarks.


I swear I was trying my best to press end call but for some reason, it just doesn't hang up. He kept on bugging me but not until I heard a distinct, soft voice telling Hakyeon hyung to stop. I vaguely smiled to myself and realized it was Taekwoon hyung. I guess he was woken up by him too since for as long as I remember, this hyung wasn't an early bird. And yes, him and Hakyeon hyung are roommates. Scary, huh? But not as scary as me being with Taekwoon hyung because on the other line, I heard him say, "Stop bugging Sanghyuk or he'll get back at us later." — which was true because just on my bed, I wanted to hold them up and spin them around until they're dizzy. (Probably a harmless prank) But my mind still wasn't properly functioning and I really didn't want to think about even getting up. I wanted to marry my bed. I groaned as they finally hung up and almost threw my phone aside. How badly I wanted to go back to sleep, but something in me just made me stare at the date on the wall calendar and wonder.


"Are birthdays really supposed to be that special?"


It's true that I haven't celebrated my birthday. I know it's a school requirement to include your date of birth in your forms, but what they don't tell you is that it's just an optional question. I know relatives are supposed to know, but we don't really get to see them even during holidays so it was useless. For the past few years, nobody even knew my birthday except for my mom. She was the only one around to know, and I've never really asked her to celebrate with me. I don't know why — I mean, I think I know why but I never really try considering the reason.



Groceries are really a pain. Especially when your mom finds out you're up at six o'clock and gives you a long list for stuff to get when you evidently don't even know how to scan which brand is best to buy — and she doesn't specify them on the list! You know what I mean? Like when you're getting detergent, how do you even choose between dozens of brands that lie about being able to clean your clothes properly? (No offense, there was one time mom bought a brand for white clothes and it didn't even wash off the stain on my uniform!)


I looked at the time on my phone that said 7:15AM and I couldn't help but sigh at the thought that I might spend an entire three hours trying to figure out which exact items to put on the basket. I started one aisle after another, and just a few minutes in, I realized I was still holding onto my phone. I glinted at it and just before I was about to put it away, a call came in. I don't know what's with me and answering phones that day but I felt myself levelling the phone to my ear without even looking at the caller ID.


"Hyuk-ah! We're having a party for you tonight at Wonshik's! Be there at 7PM, alright?"


It was Hakyeon hyung again. This time, I immediately felt the excitement in his tone. I can't blame him, Wonshik hyung's place was like paradise. He lived in an astounding condominium his parents owned, and the building even has a penthouse. I haven't been there but Hakyeon hyung was mentioning it and I can't help but imagine how amazing it looks. He sounded really persuading but I honestly wasn't sympathizing. I let out a heavy sigh, telling him how unnecessary his actions were but he prevailed. For some reason, I felt him grinning on the other side of the call. He giggled lowly and bragged that he invited the entire sophomore year at campus.


"...What."


I was dazed for a second. Hyung even restated what he'd just said as if my response was because I didn't understood him. He probably didn't know that I was baffled. He didn't know that I felt rage inside of me but I couldn't let that out, I was inside a grocery store, for Christ's sake. I wanted to snap at him and tell him to stop being so nosy, and hang up on him, and throw my phone. But was there even a reason to that? I didn't know, that's why I couldn't do it.


"Hyung, stop it." I felt myself exhale. He paused for awhile and asked me what he should put a halt about as if he didn't know. I bit back any unnecessary words and groaned instead. I couldn't think clearly as I gripped on the basket handle and staring at towers of canned food beside me. (I almost wanted to knock them down, to be honest) I heard him ask if I was okay, and I didn't know why but that probably hit my limit because I heard myself snap and shout at my phone. "Stop trying to poke your nose in other people's business! I didn't ask you to plan a birthday party for me and invite the entire campus! If you want to party, do it yourself!"


I honestly couldn't believe I just exclaimed those words and hung up. I thought I could restrain it because there was no reason to get all worked up. Hakyeon hyung is a really kind and thoughtful person. I knew he was only thinking of celebrating my birthday with me and friends. I really didn't know why I just suddenly bursted out at him like that. I knew there was something wrong. I'm a horrible person, I thought.



I looked over the long list I was holding on to and noticed I had uneffaced items. How could I have missed on these little things when I was already lined up for checkout. (Must've been the distress minutes ago) I left my basket to grab the items because I could imagine my mom getting upset if I forgot them: a pack of medical tapes and band-aids — nothing beats the love and need of a mom working as a clinic assistant for their own first aid kits, I guess.


As I arrived back at the cashier lane and my luckily untouched basket, I saw someone come scurrying towards me at the corner of my eye. All I heard after was stuff falling from baskets and the next thing I know, two of us were sitting on cold, marbled ground. The other was holding on the top of their head as if it hit them badly. It happened quickly that I didn't even saw who it was. I wanted to ask if they were alright but the person quickly stood up and apologized probably more than five times as they bowed.


"I— I'm so sorry I was in a rush. I-it's just that I really have to head home already."


The voice was appealingly soft, even as she stammered, and soon I knew the other person was female. I had the chance to scan her form and wouldn't even initially think she'd be around my age. She was skinny, but was wearing an oversized sweater that her dad probably owned along with those well-worn jeans. Her hair was tied in a messy bun but you wouldn't be able to see her face as it was almost 80% covered by the face mask she had on. I was able to process what had happened, and dawned on me how adorable she'd run when she's in a hurry.


"If you're in a rush, you better line up fast." I felt myself gather my courage to speak up as we were both picking up the items that fell from our baskets. I heard her whimper and thank me as I helped pick up the rest of her stuff, and ushered her towards the counter ahead of us. For the first time that day, I felt relief as I watch her checkout before me. She bowed her head probably another five times, and said ‘thank you’ in the humblest tone I'd ever heard. My eyes followed her as she walked away, and she almost tripped at one corner (I thought it was cute!). It almost made me forget about the breakdown I had awhile ago.





As I started my way home, I thought the day was starting to get better as I've pictured the girl I'd just met at the grocery briefly. Technically, I was imagining how she'd look like because all I saw was her eyes and her messy updo and get-up.


But as I opened the door to my place, it felt like a gust of wind flew by and it was a bit shocking to see my mom across the room. She was holding up a cake that was either supposed to look like it's covered in chocolate icing with intricate designs, or maybe the one who decorated them just wasn't feeling celebratory about my birthday so he messed up. My mom smiled at me, and started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ as if my day was coming out well. I guess you should never really underestimate the word ‘jinx’ as it will come to you eventually. (Hey, this might come as rude to others, but I love my mom. There was just a slight confusion with how I was dealing with my emotions this time)


"Happy birthday, Hyukkie!"


I can't believe my mom still calls me that. But hey, I'm not full-on complaining about it. What shocked me more was that she prepared a cake for me, and didn't say a word about it. Was it supposed to be a surprise? She just giggled and pointed at the cake, glancing at it second by second. I knew she wanted me to do something, but she was trying to make me ask her first. I felt myself sigh and forced a smile. She beamed at me as response and rested her chin on the palm of her hands the moment she sat down in front of the table. She invited me with her and I approached her after putting down the grocery paper bags on top of the kitchen counter.


"Let's blow birthday candles, dear!"


Here's the thing, there are several reasons why having only a busy working mom with you a bit of a problem. There's one) Your mom doesn't really accept you've already grown up, and they will still treat you as their ‘baby’ which isn't that bad, and two) She doesn't try to be aware of the changes you've gone through, like preference on cake flavors and on celebrating — or not — birthdays which was slightly worse that the first. She asked me, wait no, she urged me to make a wish.


"Mom, I'm not five. I'm aware wishes from blowing your birthday cake candles don't come true." Not a lie. Both of me being aware, and wishes that don't come along. I honestly wanted to be obvious and tell my mom that that was a really bad idea. But despite of the truth I've told, my mom still smiled at me. (Additional reason number three: They don't really listen to your excuse even when you've already said the truth)


She tossed a cheap lighter fluid across the table and nodded at me, as if the one celebrating their birthday was her. I should at least blow the candles so it won't come to waste, she said and I thought she did have a point. I shouldn't really waste her effort to celebrate with me, to begin with. I forced another smile and lit up the colorful candles that didn't matched the dull colors of the chocolate cake. I glanced at my mom who seemed to be excited about this, and I couldn't help thinking she was being genuine. She sang another birthday song, this time, on a quicker tempo then asked me blow the candles again.


And so I did.


I saw my mom's eyes glistened like the last time she'd seen dad. It felt a bit unfathomable all of a sudden. Just as I probably spaced out for a few seconds, she put out another question, wondering what kind of wish I made while grinning at me. I grinned back, thinking it'd be the perfect response.


"Oh yeah, of course," I said, with every hint of sarcasm that built up within me. "I wished that every year would be this special." But mom would never know I was joking. She seemed so passionate about these things. She even asked me if I could keep the candles as memorabilia and again, I've realized this was the mom who never really got to know her son better. She handed me the candles after she cleaned off the icing. These will end up in the trash after a day anyway, but I couldn't tell her that. I smiled at her. "I'll head upstairs."


"Oh! Hakyeon sent me a message just awhile ago about the party too. I'm sure you're going to enjoy it!"


All those words made me stop just at the foot of the stairs. It dawned on me about all the things I'd just said through phone earlier. I knew I had to apologize to Hakyeon hyung but was there really a need for him to be so persistent? I grimaced a bit and popped out my head to see my brightly smiling mom. I told her half the truth about what I felt, that I think the party was unnecessary and that I didn't want to go. My mom's expressions changed as she eagerly replied to my remarks but I wasn't hearing it, her voice soon faded to murmurs as I ran up my room and plopped on my bed. She didn't follow me upstairs like she used to, but that time I needed her to. Because I was confused.


It's my birthday, but why do I feel sad when I should be happiest on my special day? Why do I feel broken? I didn't feel like wanting to know the answers, and I couldn't think properly either. As a lie down my bed, I looked up the ceiling and thought I must be being selfish, thinking only about myself right now. I knew I had to man up and call Hakyeon hyung to apologize, I knew I had to get on my feet and rush down to apologize to my mom, I knew I had to go out and find out who that girl was from the grocery store. But none of it mattered as I felt my eyes slowly closing, and then the world turned black.




I slowly opened my eyes and squinted at the sight of light in the corner of my eye. My phone has been ringing all this time, and I fell asleep. I looked around as I sat up and realized my mom left me lunch. I picked up a note that says:


"Please eat your lunch and don't skip. I don't know if something's up but it's your birthday and you should go out to have fun."


I don't like (not hate!) to admit but sometimes mom really knows which words to use to ease me up. I guess she just really doesn't want to force anything out of me when she gets a hint that I'm burdened, and I like that part about her. I smiled a bit and grabbed the fork to pick up some bacon, and eventually ate them. (I get hungry too!)


I picked up my phone and read all the missed calls, and realize they were all either from Taekwoon hyung or Hongbin. The latter even teasing me about the gift he prepared, which I'm pretty sure was not a physical gift — he likes to keep things high tech now that he sends me gifts through online games we play. I felt myself let out a few chuckles until I realized that these people, my friends, have been really kind to me. And doing something rude towards even just one of them would make me feel guilty for the rest of my life. I remembered the things I had to do before I fell asleep. I knew I needed to meet Hakyeon hyung and apologize to him personally.


So I had to go to the party.