13. THE LETTER

Nibbling my thumbnail, I swayed on the kitchen chair, waiting for time to pass.

I kept glancing at my phone on the other side of the table, our last conversation lingering in the air like a scent I couldn’t resist. My insides were boiling. Not of anger. It wasn’t that. It was the last two sentences we had exchanged on the phone. Those words made me strangely uneasy.

I kept biting my nails, eyes fixed on the clock. At some point it almost looked like it was going backwards. I was going crazy. I had to do something.

And because my head wasn’t functioning like it normally did, I decided to take a stroll around the house. Then a stroll around the property. Then I grabbed a book. Threw it away. I tried to listen to music while packing and even then, tears started streaming down my face as the lyrics hit too close to home.

Finally I slumped on the floor and closed my eyes. I wanted to call mom and ask her what I was supposed to do now. I needed a fairy godmother who would tell me what I needed to do. But unfortunately this wasn’t a fairytale. In fairytales, people always got together and lived happily ever after. This wasn’t going to end like that. This, this was reality. This was the world we lived in.

After I finished packing, I headed back to the kitchen and started cooking. When the water was boiling, I heard someone open the front door and enter the house.

Even then, my mind got weirdly hopeful. What if it was him? Did he come to say goodbye? Or did he come to beg me to stay?

I wanted it to be him.

Again.

But it wasn’t.

”Are you cooking?” aunt Kim croaked from the hallway and carried a bag of groceries on the kitchen table. ”We bought ingredients.”

I nodded, adding in the ramen. ”I was hungry.”

”You should’ve waited a little bit longer”, aunt Kim said with a warm smile. ”I was about to cook something delicious for your last day.”

Another figure stepped into the kitchen. It was her husband. He nodded to me as a greeting. I bowed back.

”I’m sorry.”

”Don’t you worry”, she said, waddling toward the counter. ”I’m sure we can cook both.”

Finally, time started to pass more quickly. I cooked together with aunt Kim and made the table, before all three of us settled around it to dine. During dinner, I couldn’t speak a single word. When aunt asked me how my trip had gone - if I had enjoyed it, I couldn’t say more than ”it was great”. My feelings were so mixed and altogether confusing that I couldn’t express them. I didn’t want to leave.

But I had to.

When aunt’s husband left the table to clean up the mess we had made while cooking, aunt leaned closer to me and captured my eyes with hers. ”What’s wrong?”

A single thought crossed my mind, making me think.

Should I tell her?

Her eyes bored at me, investigating, contemplating. I wondered whether she would notice the change in me.

”Has something happened?”

I gritted my teeth, biting the bullet. I couldn’t cry now. There was no point. Unless I wanted her to figure it out. Unless I wanted her to tell my mom about it. Not even realizing what I was doing, I nodded.

Aunt Kim’s eyes grew worried. ”Tell me.”

I squeezed my eyes shut.

”Is it about the bartender?”

I swallowed. Hanbin, I thought. Then nodded.

Aunt Kim leaned back against her backrest. She was going through something in her wise head. ”Did something happen to him?”

I shot my eyes at her. ”No, why? Why would you ask that?” Did she know something I didn’t? Had she seen something happen to him?

Aunt Kim shrugged. ”Just the call from the police station. It got me wondering…”

She did know something.

”I heard they arrested a man. A local .”

I froze. Aunt Kim’s hawk eyes focused on me.

”People talk.”

Just what Bobby had said to me a few days ago. Apparently they did. In a small village like this. We sat for a while, in silence, as her face grew more and more worried, as she realized what had indeed went down. She could guess it from my posture, my glistening eyes, my trembling jaw. She could read me like an open book. She could read everyone like that.

”Oh darling…”

I just shook my head, lowering my chin like I did every time I came across all these thoughts. My neck felt stiff. ”I’m sorry…”

”For what? You haven’t done anything…” aunt said, caressing my hand that was lying on the table. I noticed my fingers were shaking.

”For not telling you-”

”Darling, I don’t blame you”, she cut me off. ”I don’t.”

I bit my lip. The tears weren’t far.

She lifted her hand to wipe my hair behind my ear. ”You shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

We were quiet for a while, only the sound of dishes clicking together in the kitchen behind us filled the air. Aunt Kim rested her palm on my cheek.

”If you don’t want to talk about it, I respect that. But I’d appreciate it if you told me”, she spoke finally. ”How did it happen?”

And it all just poured out of me. A flood of words, tears, cries. The kitchen grew quiet as her husband left us to settle by ourselves. He knew well enough not to interfere. And I was thankful for that.

”And I know this sounds ridiculous, but please, please don’t tell mom”, I begged, wiping my eyes. ”She would - she - couldn’t-”

”I won’t”, aunt Kim breathed. She was shocked about everything I had told her. Taken aback of the truth she hadn’t been able to figure out by herself. ”But you have to tell her. At some point.”

I nodded, biting my lip. ”Am I making the right decision?”

There it was.

The fairy godmother question.

Aunt Kim closed her eyes briefly. It immediately reminded me of him. ”I can’t tell you that.”

And there it was.

The proof that we didn’t live in a fairytale. She wasn’t my fairy godmother. I wasn’t meant to live happily ever after.

”You have to figure it out yourself.”

***

”Put your seatbelt on”, aunt’s husband said to us, once he started the car.

I was leaving. My bags were all in the back of the car, ready to travel through the country.

And I couldn’t be more unsure of my decision.

”Yeah”, I mumbled, clicking the belt on.

”Alrighty then, let’s get going.”

We drove in silence, looking out the windows, saying goodbye to the familiar landscapes that I had fallen in love with. We drove past the harbor, past the coffee shop, past Bobby’s boat that was attached to the docks, past Hanbyul’s daycare, past the shop I had stolen the bike from… And my throat felt sore. I couldn’t bare saying goodbye to those places, those memories. It was unbearable. I wanted to scream to stop the car but the words were stuck in my throat, making it hard to even breathe. I clutched to my aunt’s hand, squeezing it hard.

I fell asleep at some point, and when I finally woke up, we were already in Sagnak-Dong.

The weather was dark and misty. Damp, like my mind. My hair was glued to my sticky face, because of the humidity.

The streets were filled with people going out, people laughing and joking. Some were arguing, some were leaning against the brick wall, gazing up in the sky, out of their minds. I wanted to be one of them.

I wish I could...

The car stopped in front of the Mokpo-station. I felt numb.

”Okay…” aunt’s husband yawned at the front. ”Here we are.”

”Do you want us to walk you to the platform?” Aunt Kim asked.

I shook my head. ”I’ll be fine.”

She bobbed her head. ”Alrighty then.” She stepped out of the car and walked to the back, opening the trunk. I followed her.

”You give me a call if something comes up”, she said, handing me my