11. OUT OF FOCUS

I decided to head back to my aunt’s place after eating ”breakfast” with Hanbin. We didn’t really talk much after the phone call, so I thought it was better for us to clear our heads separately, not when we were together. It was because when I was with him, I instantly sided with him and it affected my thought process. I needed to think straight, without seeing the situation from anyone else’s point of view. I had to think from a wider perspective.

He did ask me one question before we parted at the harbor. The whole way there we had walked in silence, but as the sea reached us and the the sound of waves hitting the docks flowed into my ears, he turned to me with a blank expression on his face. I couldn’t read what he had on his mind. It was intimidating.

”Remember those facts we talked about this morning?”

I stopped near the edge of the dock, staring down into the clear water. A few fishes swam past us.

The facts he had stated; I loved him and we were together now. I nodded.

Hanbin’s brows furrowed slightly. He looked down to his hands, which he never did. ”Are they still facts?”

A bigger fish jumped further at the sea. There were three boats attached to the wooden pole next to us, waiting for their owners to take them out in the sea. I couldn’t look at Hanbin. I was scared of seeing something else than happiness on his precious face. I was terrified of the fact that I was the one that could hurt him. I remembered Lisa’s words from yesterday evening. She said she would end me if I ever hurt him.

Of course they were facts. I hadn’t changed my mind that quickly.

But could they be, that was the real question? What was the point of being together if you never saw each other? What was the point of loving if there wasn’t anyone to love?

”Are they?” Hanbin asked quietly.

I could feel my tongue twisting in my mouth, unable to speak. I wanted to say ”I guess we’ll have to find out” but that would’ve been useless. There was nothing to find out, was there? We couldn’t just sit around, doing nothing and waiting whether this would work or not.

”Jennie.”

I felt a shiver travel through my body. ”I need some time to think.”

Hanbin took a swaying step back. His arms roamed up to his head and rested there, his elbows pointing to each side of his head.

He closed his eyes briefly.

I took a step closer. ”Don’t you dare.”

”Dare what?” He barked, shooting his eyes at me. ”I’m not the one who’s running away.”

”I am not running away”, I declared.

”You are, and it’s selfish-”

”It’s not selfish to follow your dreams!”

Hanbin huffed bleakly. ”Right.”

”I can’t stay”, I finally whimpered out. The little sentence I had been afraid to say, yet I knew it was true. I couldn’t stay. I knew it now. This wouldn’t work. It didn’t serve my values right. ”You know that.”

Hanbin shook his head. His eyes were watery. I turned to look away.

I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay, it was crazy.

I couldn’t stay.

So I left.

***

I traveled my fingertips on the keyboard, forming empty words, empty sentences, empty dialogues. My back was aching from sitting on one spot for too long and I was starving. There was an empty package of cookies next to my laptop, on top of my new sketchbook. I brushed my arm over it, pushing the wrapper on the floor.

My eyes glanced at the clock on the higher shelf. It was past midnight. I counted in my head - eight hours. It had been about eight hours since I had left the harbor. Hanbin had my number now, but he hadn’t called me or texted me. The first hour I had stared at the phone screen, waiting for it to light up. Waiting for his name to pop up. Waiting for it to buzz in my hand. But it hadn’t. He hadn’t contacted me.

I sighed and leaned back on my chair. Aunt and her husband had went to a jazz festival by the beach. They had asked me to join them but I had politely refused after telling them that I was very late on my schedule. They, of course, understood.

So there I was. Alone in a big house, trying to come up with a love story when I all I felt was emptiness.

I stared at the words on the screen.

”Bull”, I mumbled. It was worse than my last script. Worse than anything I had written. Ever.

I traveled the mouse over the text, painting it all blue. Then I hit delete. ”Bull”, I mumbled.

All of a sudden a loud buzz broke the intense silence and my heart jumped into my throat. My fingers fiddled the phone on the table, trying to grip it properly. Let it be him.

Be him.

I read the screen. Sighed. Then answered. ”Hey.”

”Jennie, you better start explaining”, Chaeyoung called sharply. She was slightly out of breath, so I assumed she was walking somewhere - and she was probably late. I frowned. ”Explaining what?”

”Well, believe it or not, some random guy texted me late last night.”

I knitted my brows. What did some random guy have to do with me? And why did she sound mad? ”What guy?”

”A guy, we’ll come back to that later - anyway. I was obviously confused because I haven’t given my number to anyone recently.”

I massaged my left temple. I couldn’t handle a fight right now. I couldn’t handle Chaeyoung right now.

”You there?”

”Yup”, I muttered.

”You better”, Chaeyoung bickered. ”I guess you don’t recall giving my number to some guy called Bobby?”

My head jerked up.

I had given her number to Bobby, assuming he would hit her up and sneak into her dm’s or something. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that he’d come clear on how he’d gotten her number. Why hadn’t I thought about it? It was painfully obvious that this would happen. It had to be the skin blowing Hanbin had executed while I had talked with Bobby. It had distracted me from the possible outcomes. ”I can explain-”

”No, I’m not mad about the whole giving-my-number-to-random-guys-thing, that’s alright. I mean I didn’t mind it - don’t mind it.”

I waited for her to continue.

”Even though he is a bit of an airhead.”

I shook my head. Bobby must’ve tried too hard. Guys often came across as airheads when they tried to get the other’s attention. If I had been in a better place, mentally, I would’ve told her that he was actually a great guy, good-looking and all, but I settled for one word. ”But?”

”But -” Chaeyoung started. ”- he told me all kinds of things. About you and your work trip. Things you’ve kept from me.”

I stared at the laptop screen. The empty words flowed before my eyes, drifting by like a fish school. But Bobby didn’t know-

”I heard you’ve got yourself a man.”

The first strike at my heart. And it already hurt like hell. ”No, it’s not-”

”And you’ve been to the police station? What was that about?”

Jesus Bobby. He couldn’t keep anything to himself.

”He said it was something serious.”

I rubbed my brow. ”Yeah…”

”Oh please Jennie, quit the shady games already!”

I sighed. ”I was going to tell you when I get there…”

”Really? Because from what I heard, you’re not even coming back anymore!”

”Who told you that?” What did I mean, who? Bobby of course.

”He said that you’re staying”, Chaeyoung said more quietly. ”And the rest I don’t know. I ghosted him. So tell me now. No more secrets.”

No more secrets, she said.

I closed the laptop with a thump and for the first time in hours, stood up from my seat. I walked to the window. ”You really wanna know?” My voice sounded coarse.

Chaeyoung hesitated. She usually didn’t keep any pauses while talking on the phone. ”I mean… I know it’s probably better to hear important stuff face to face, but…” she took a break to draw in a breath. ”… I want to know.”

So I told her.

Everything from my unlucky road trip to Sanggang-ri, to the moment when I had walked away from Hanbin just nine hours ago.

Chaeyoung hadn’t said a single word when I had been talking. She hadn’t commented anything. Not even the most brutal things I had said. I looked at the clock again. I had talked for thirty minutes. She had been quiet for thirty minutes. It had to be a record of some kind.

”And now… I don’t know what to do”, I pushed out the final words. My voice was nothing but a whisper. I wiped my nose to my sleeve. I was a mess.

I heard Chaeyoung gasp for air in the other end of the line. ”O-oh my god…”

Suddenly it all felt very real somehow. My secret was now out there. Sure it had been out there since the visit at the police station, but Chaeyoung was the first one to know about it all. First among my people.

”My head’s like this whirling windmill throwing thoughts and ideas around but nothing ever stops. I just feel so… lost.”

Another long pause.

”You there?”

A sniff. ”I’m here.”

I was now in the kitchen, looking out to the garden. It was dark outside, only the little lanterns igniting the dried up pathway to the house. ”I really wish you were here.”

”Me too”, Chaeyoung whispered. ”But just hear me out. In my opinion… you should tell your boss what happened.”

I felt astounded. ”What?” My voice was nothing but a breath of air.

”I know it’s extremely personal and… just…” I could hear her brain trying to cope after hearing what I told her. ”I just think it would make a huge, huge difference to your situation.”

I pressed my forehead against the window. It felt amazing. Like an ice cube pressed against my head. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I could tell my boss about all this. He just seemed so distant, almost inhuman reflected to