Byulyi and I have been friends ever since we were kids. We would do everything together, we were inseparable. My life became so vibrant thanks to Byulyi. We both shared secrets with one another but I have one that I would never tell a single soul - and that is how much I love Byulyi. I decided to keep my feelings to myself as I was afraid it would destroy the friendship we had. I would much rather keep to the status quo, than for us to drift apart.

One day after school, I was waiting for Byulyi at our school gate. I saw her came flying towards me, smiling from ear to ear. I asked her what made her so happy. She told me she got herself a girlfriend. Inwardly, I was happy to know she is playing for the same team but I was also upset that I was not part of her team. I berated myself for not having the courage to confess my feelings, yet I was also glad I did not pour my heart out.

Every day we would talk on the phone and she would tell me everything that happened during her date with her girlfriend. I was glad we were on the phone instead of seeing each other in real life. That way, I could control myself and cry to my pillow after the call.

Not every relationship was smooth-sailing. Byulyi and her girlfriend had their ups and downs. I was there for her during the downs. She would cry into my arms, while I would console her with half-hearted feelings. I felt bad for doing so, but who could blame me? When the one I love so much was crying about someone else that she loved.

During the ups moment, she would invite me to hang out with her and her girlfriend at her house. I would decline to say I needed to do the homework that I had already finished in school. I could not bear seeing her so happy with someone else other than me. She would give me her sad-puppy eyes and I would hold myself back from giving her a hug.

I told myself I had to move on and find a new love since the current one will never happen. I told myself that countless times but I still could not do it. Seeing her and being with her has been my entire life and if I were to just cut her out, I would feel an empty void inside of me. I have begun learning how to deal with these overflowing feelings inside of me.

Once, Byulyi told me that they were taking a break from their relationship. ‘Ah,’ I thought, as we both took sips from our beer can, ‘It is another down moment.’ I was prepared to take her into my arms and console her while she cried endlessly but she took me by surprise when she grabbed the sides of my face and pulled me in for a kiss. It was long and tender. I was shocked and my body froze. However, the love of my life was kissing me. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to kiss her back.

When I did, she pushed me away with a horrified look on her face. She kept apologising and was saying she was out of her mind because of the alcohol. She rubbed her temple as she stood up to leave. I sat in my spot, bewildered. My eyes followed her leaving my room and my ears heard the front door opened and close. My mouth tasted the saltiness of human tears.

Months later with no contact from my childhood friend, my mother passed a letter to me. As soon as I got hold of that letter, I knew what was coming. I sobbed till there were no tears left in me. The next day, a box was delivered to my house. I opened it up and started to choke back on my empty tear ducts.

The bells sounded two or three times. I could not keep count. I was wearing a pale pink dress, along with two other girls that I am not acquainted with. The huge doors opened up and two shadowy figures began walking towards us. Everyone was cheering and throwing flower petals. Byulyi was standing in front of me, wearing the most beautiful white dress with flower details. I fell in love with her all over again but this time, I really lost.

Her girlfriend, soon-to-be-wife, stood opposite of her after her father had given her off to Byulyi, with a veil covering her face. They said their vows, exchanged the rings and leaned in for a kiss. They were pronounced married by the priest. I held back my tears. I have to look my best still, for my best friend’s marriage. Byulyi looked as happy as when they first got together.

It was time for the flower-throwing ceremony. A ceremony for single women to fight for the flower bouquet the bride was holding in hopes that it would be their turn standing there next. I was not interested thus I stood nearer to the back. “Three, two, one…!” She shouted and tossed the bouquet.

I said I was not interested but my hands went against my wishes and managed to catch the bouquet. Everyone’s eyes turned to look at me, even Byulyi was staring at me. I managed to crack a weak smile whilst waving the bouquet. As everyone dispersed, Byulyi whispered something to her wife and sauntered over to me.

I took deep breaths mentally as I braced myself for whatever she was about to say. “Hey,” she began, “you look stunning.” I slapped her arm and forced a laugh, “you are the one that is beautiful.” She apologised again with no context but I knew what she was referring to. ‘It was just a simple contact between the best of friends.’ I said to make sure she knew that I had drawn a line. She also apologised for not being in contact with me and getting married without telling me. I said I understand and pushed her to be with her wife. She grabbed my hands and told me to find happiness like how she did with her wife. I smiled and wished her luck for everything she does in the future.

That was the last time we spoke to each other and I was the only one who was filled with regrets. Still, I did not regret being part of her life, sharing our childhood days together. I am now able to look back and reminiscence about the past happily.