Standing from behind the desk of my office, turning the lights off, and exiting the entrance of the company, all of this does not have a reason anymore. Sending a quick message before riding the car, driving while the sun is setting, and taking the shortest route to home, all of this is not necessary anymore. Because I have lost him, I have lost my companion, my husband and my love.
Now, it takes me ten minutes every day to gather myself, enter the house wearing my brightest smile, and open my arms to receive a hug for who is actually waiting inside for me. Because I am all he has now, I cannot afford making him feel miserable; I can’t make him feel what I am feeling.

“Dad!” I hear his hyper call before running to cradle me in the tightest hug.

“Hey there, big boy, missed me?” I try to sound happy or normal at least.

As we sat on the dining table, like always eating whatever was sent to us from my parents’ house, or I have brought from any restaurant.  This time, our neighbor cooked for us ‘Do not worry about it Jonghyun, it is my pleasure’ he said when he handed me the food.

“Dad, when is daddy going to come back?” Yooguen asked while struggling to catch the carrot with his little pink fork, I tried not to let Kibum buy it for him, but he never listen to me.

There was not any surprise with Yooguen asking that question, he asks it every day, each morning and night. I sighed this time, not finding the enough energy to answer his question. I am growing more tired than ever, I cannot continue keeping up this façade in front of him. But I know that Yooguen is smart and the only reason why he keeps asking this question is because he is waiting for me to say the truth.

“Soon” I lied again. What can I say; one broken heart is better than two, especially if the other one was my son’s.

I closed the book and stared at Yooguen’s sleeping figure, I placed the story aside –Yooguen never wanted to hear any other story than this one, I know it is because it is the same one his daddy used to read for him before… before he left– I got up and covered him well. Pushing his hair aside I kissed his forehead; I’m sorry, son, I’m so sorry.

I proceeded to walk to my room before I heard a soft “Dad” I bitterly smiled and walked to the other side of the bed and settled myself next to the small body of my son, I must be a fool thinking I could escape this tonight. I laid and opened my arm to work as a sleeping pillow for him. He quickly held onto me and closed his eyes… He’ll back soon, I promise.

… Who am I kidding?

“Jonghyun…” I know this tone of Taemin’s voice; he’s about to lecture me about something. But what is it about this time; about how I should pay more attention to Yooguen? How I should eat well? How I should stop burying myself with piles and piles of work… or how I should move on

I knew that I should have taken my leave as soon as I dropped Yooguen at Taemin’s house; that little bastard tricked me inside to give me yet another lecture.

“Not now, Tae” I looked at my son playing with his power ranger figures on the floor, what he would feel like if he knew his daddy will never come back, even though he has waited for him for almost two years. I don’t even want to imagine his reaction; I don’t want to break him.

“He’ll grow up and forget, but if you kept on eluding him with idea of his return, he’ll never move on and forget” Taemin whispered with a snappy attitude

“What if I didn’t want him to forget? What if Kibum is really going to come back? Who knows, Taemin! Maybe, he’ll comeback. No, HE IS COMING BACK” I yelled, I don’t know if I am trying to convince myself or Taemin.

He looked at me, I can see empathy in his eyes, but I don’t need it. I’m not pathetic! “Take care of him” I got up, snatched my keys from the table and got out, there’s only one place where I know I’ll be able to forget all of this

I seated myself on one of the barstools, even if it is still four in the afternoon, who really cares if I get wasted. I raised my hand for the bartender to see, the bartender who became my friend

“Hey Jonghyun, it’s a little early don’t you think?” he chuckled and wiped the table in front of me, what’s there to wipe anyway?

“I don’t care, get me scotch with no ice” My voice was cold, I can feel it freezing up my insides.

Minho stood staring at me for a while before getting the bottle from under the bar and a class from the holders to pour the sweet poison for me. I nodded when he pushed the glass to me and he leaned supporting himself with his palms “No problem, want to talk today?” he asked, not really sure what I wanted and he seemed like he was dealing with bomb that could explode at any moment, which I practically am. I shook my head “Just keep them coming”

I opened my eyes and everything was blurry and vague; where am I anyway? And why my head is hurting me so badly, it is like I have pumped it to the floor. The last thing I remember is that I was laughing at some ridiculous joke Minho said and then, everything went black.

“Oh, you’re awake” I heard a familiar voice and I cringed when it rang loudly in my ears. Then I saw Minho seating himself in front of me on the table holding… disinfectant ointment and cottons?

“You fell from the stool, out and injured yourself” He explained after seeing the baffled look on my face. He started tapping the cotton wetted by the ointment on my forehead where I can feel what seemed like a wound stinging very badly, I groaned in pain.

“Do you have some sort of a death wish, Jonghyun?” He stopped and looked at me anger filling his intense glare; I just turned my head to the other side… Do I?

After sobering up, I drove my way back to Taemin’s house to pick up Yooguen.

Why did you suddenly leave me Kibum? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I refused to buy that house for us? But I told you that I’ll find a better one for you. Or is it because I refused to adopt another child, but you should have understood that I wasn’t ready for another responsibility. The reasons do not matter, really. Just tell me, will you ever come back? Or maybe I should really move on, like everyone else is asking me to.

“Are you sure? I can take care of him tonight, you don’t look so good” Taemin held the most concerned face ever as he touched the bandage on my forehead

“It’s ok” I simply replied with a hoarse voice, I haven’t realized that I was crying to whole ride until I stopped in front of the younger’s door “Ok, say hi to Onew for me”

I got Yooguen’s stuff from the back seat before walking to open the front door of the house, the whole time Yooguen was rambling over and over again about how cool are the stuff his uncle Taemin and him did today, when he got off the car he started demonstrating the new moves he learned from the latter. I just kept listening making sure to put a smile on and chuckle every now and then, yes, maybe I should move one… for Yooguen’s sake.

“Daddy…” Yooguen muttered when he first entered the house while I was busily locking the door after I got in.

“I told you, Yooguen, he’ll be back soon” I replied the same answer as everyday

“Hey sweetie” I heard a voice and I froze in my spot… Is it his voice or am I imagining things?

I heard Yooguen’s little steps spending towards the direction of the voice and then a little groan escaped from ‘his daddy’ when the little guy jumped on his for an overwhelming hug. I decided it was time for me to finally turn around and confirm what I really think is happening.

Yes, there he stood wearing a black medium length coat and his famous tight skinny jeans with a gray hat. I didn’t know he liked to wear hats; he was always very fond of his hair and liked to show it, even from under the hat. He finally placed Yooguen down and wiped his tears before looking at me… My heart could have stopped beating at the moment

“I’m sorry” He said softly and right after streams of tears trailed down his pale cheeks

Now that I look at it, he has lost a lot of weight; he seems like if he’s all bones and skin only. And there’s something different that I can’t really put my finger on. I kept on standing on my spot I didn’t really know what to say or do… He is back, like I have always said he would.

“Look dad, daddy is finally back!” Yooguen beamed running in circle around Kibum

Kibum giggled and watched our son enthusiastic run and jumps, I just stared at the two of them, is this real or am I dreaming…

“You’re back” I muttered absentmindedly

Kibum looked at me and nodded slowly; he looked down and took a deep breath before his hand slowly moved up to settle on his hat. He took his time lifting it up, slowly revealing a bit by bit his head, when it was completely off he looked at me and smiled, tears still gathered between the crescents under his eyes.  

Unconsciously, I took a breath…

“Where is daddy’s hair?” Yooguen asked staring and Kibums nearly bald head, it was covered with very small blond hairs leaving some spots uncovered and his eyebrows were exactly the same. He touched his head and chuckled “Went on a fishing trip and will be back soon”

“Yooguen, why don’t you go arrange your room so daddy can see how much you’ve grown up” I said this for two reasons, so Yooguen could leave us alone to have some grown up talk and to show Kibum that Yooguen did grow up and he has missed watching it

“Why?” I simply asked when Yooguen was out of sight, still not moving from my spot

“I wanted to protect you” He was looking everywhere but me

“From what?!” I started losing my temper and he flinched when I raised my voice

“From the pain and suffer, from the constant hospital trips, from feeling helpless and hopeless. I wanted to protect you from everything I might cause to you two when you see me like this or in even worst condition” He said between tears and hiccups “I want to protect you” he repeated out of breath “No one wants a partner with cancer, no one wants a partner who is half dead”

“How dare you?” I yelled at him feeling my tears threatening to fall as well “How dare you question or doubt my love you to you? I would have stayed with you and supported you to the end, you didn’t have to suffer alone, and you didn’t have to leave us to suffer as well. Do you know how much I missed you? How much I thought about giving up on life!” I was now uncontrollably crying and I can hear him crying as well

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Jonghyun”

“I’m sorry too, Kibum”

“And then she said that my drawing is the best in cla-…” I honestly lost track of whatever Yooguen was talking about, but I still made sure to nod and smile. He looked so cute though, in his little black tux and red bowtie.

Today was my little brother Taemin’s wedding, I still can’t believe that little brat is getting married, he still haven’t matured enough for go sake; how is he going to get married. I stared at the hung picture in the living room wall taken in my wedding’s day. Everything was so perfect then.

“Urgh, I’m not going!” Kibum got out of the bathroom pouting holding different hats in his hand from all the kinds one could imagine, I smiled and got up to stand in front of him.

I took the hats and threw them away, cupped his face and gave him one of the longest kisses ever, he broke the kiss and his cheeks turned crimson red “Yooguen is watching!” he whispered and hit my chest playfully “You look beautiful, Bummie, just like that” I sappily smiled running my hand on his still growing hair, he will always be beautiful in my eyes.

And yes, everything is perfect now too.