chapter 8
the psychology of good studentsKyungsoo gives only a small smile to Jooyoung, the kind someone gives when he’s just trying to be polite, so she doesn’t go and attack him with a hug. Anyway, she does feel she needs to be accountable for her actions and give a proper apology before expecting their friendship to return to what it was.
So that’s what she does, although when she sees him her heart starts palpitating with nerves. Apologising doesn’t come easily for most people — it's a psychological fact -- and Jooyoung’s definitely one of them.
“S-Sorry,” she says after a deep breath, looking Kyungsoo straight in the eye. “I was dumb.”
She has so much more to say but her guilt has ridden her of all her words, so this is all that comes out of .
He looks like he doesn’t know what to say, but after a while of excruciating silence he speaks up. “Jooyoung...” He sighs. “Why do you flare up so easily all the time without even being clear of the situation? This is not the first time you’ve done something like this.”
“I know,” Jooyoung admits, feeling her face flush with guilt. “And so I’m really sorry. Sincerely. I shouldn’t have accused you and gotten mad.” This is when she remembers she’s still clutching on to the bag of goods from the convenience store, so she s it at Kyungsoo earnestly.
“For you. Don’t be angry at me anymore, please,” she pleads as the bag dangles from her hand. Kyungsoo blinks.
“What’s this?”
“Free stuff. Your favourite.”
He seems to be holding back a laugh as he reaches out slowly and accepts the bag, looking at Jooyoung right in the eye.
“I wasn’t angry in the first place,” he shrugs and says, then flashes Jooyoung a hint of a smile. “But thanks. Still.”
“You were angry, liar.”
He shakes his head. “I really wasn’t. I was just taken aback — you know I don’t get angry at stuff."
She sighs, emotions still raw and eating up her heart. "I feel so, so bad."
"Don't be, silly. Everyone makes mistakes," he consoles. "But can you just please promise me you’ll never do this again."
A smile materialises on her face. Gosh, what did she ever do to deserve Kyungsoo? “Promise.”
“Good,” he then says, satisfied. His smile grows as he looks inside. Jooyoung hopes he notices it isn’t just random items she piled into the bag, but rather things she noticed he likes.
Then he looks up suddenly from the bag, as if he remembered something. “Also. Don’t be stressed over offending me. You have a tendency to let your stress kill you slowly. It’s okay, alright?”
She merely laughs, and teases him back. “Who do you think you are? I won’t be stressed over you.” Both of them know she’s just lying.
And despite that she can feel everything turning okay.
Jooyoung wants to scream when she comes out of the central staff lounge later that day. Everything being okay? Ha, she wants to laugh her guts out for thinking that in the first place.
She had met Professor Park and told him what had happened, and man, did it take courage to meet him one-on-one like she did. And she didn’t get expelled, which is the good part.
The bad part? Getting a zero for the class.
A big, fat, zero.
She still can’t believe it — it’s such a disgusting thought to even think that Han Jooyoung actually is a student who can now officially say she’s gotten a zero in her class. She could accept a shave off her marks, but a zero? Just like that, when it wasn’t even plagiarism? But she knows it isn't the school's fault, nor is it Prof PCY's. It's 100% hers, so she shouldn't expect concessions to be given.
Jooyoung feels angry and disappointed tears sting her eyes, and she heads quickly back to her dorm, clutching her bag to her chest before they fall down her face. She hates crying. (Except during movies, because that kind of crying feels nice.)
She locks the room door, drops the bag on the floor and lays face down on the pillow, thinking and thinking. In her mind’s eye, she watches her first class honours student title fly away. Her top student one too. But her tears, strangely, don’t fall from the eyes. Jooyoung’s not an easy crier but she thought that in situations like these, she definitely would cry.
And she, after an unintended nap for two hours, and way too much thinking, doesn’t feel all that horrible. Sure, it still does feel like something is stabbing her in the heart, but it’s not exactly death anymore. She allows herself a small pity party (its acceptable, she convinces herself) before dragging herself off her bed to retrieve her bag from the floor and checking her phone.
She is shocked to find four missed calls from Kyungsoo and a few texts. He isn’t the sort who chokes up people’s call log or message inbox, so this definitely means something is up.
From: Scrooge
hey, where are you? i’ve walked around almost the entire campus searching
From: Scrooge
han jooyoung call me back please :(
So she does call him back, curiosity piqued by the sad emoticon more than anything else. Kyungsoo never used a sad emoticon in her texts to her before. He picks up within a few rings.
“Hey, Kyungsoo.”
“Jooyoung! Where are you? Why did you take so long to call me back?” His voice sounds like he is trying hard not to be loud, but it’s more than a whisper, because she can make out the exasperation in his voice.
“Why are you talking like this,” she mimics him.
“I’m in the middle of a lecture. Can you meet me now?”
“Now? But you just said you’re in the middle of a lecture!”
“It’s okay, I’m not paying attention anyway. Hold on, let me sneak out first so I can talk to you properly.” Jooyoung hears shuffling noises, then after a while the opening of a door, and slightly more shuffling before Kyungsoo speaks again.
“Still there?” He asks.
“Yup.”
“You free now?”
“If you consider lying down on my bed free then, yes.”
“Thank goodness you're in your room," he breathes, and she's confused, but she doesn't let it out. "Okay, let’s meet at the food hall. The one with the open area looking out of campus. I’ll wait for you there.”
“Mm, see you,” Jooyoung says, then rakes a hand through her bed hair as she hangs up. She dusts her shirt off and grabs the nearest coat, then slips on a pair of sandals on top of her socks, and goes straight to the food hall to meet Kyungsoo.
When Jooyoung reaches the food hall Kyungsoo is on his phone, probably playing a game because he’s Kyungsoo, for goodness’ sake. She slides into the seat across him, and he looks up at her, and immediately pockets his phone.
Then he looks straight at her, and she has no idea what is going on.
“Why are you staring at me like this?” She asks, bemusement thick in her voice.
“Number one, your dressing. Socks and sandals? Your hair a mess of tangles? The same oversized faculty shirt again? And I thought you said you wanted to be a cool university kid.”
Jooyoung narrows her eyes and pulls back her chair, ready to leave. “Bye.”
Kyungsoo laughs at her reaction, then his facial expression goes back to how it was before, and he stares at Jooyoung with intensity again. “Okay, but seriously.”
“Yes, seriously, Do Kyungsoo.” She uses her feet to slide her chair back to its original spot. He sharply inhales, his eyes searching hers.
“You don’t need to put on a strong front like this. Since when was Han Jooyoung a person to hide her feelings?” Kyungsoo says softly, almost like he is talking to a baby.
It’s the first time she has heard him talk like this and for some reason what he says hits her so hard she can’t respond. Words choke up in and she wants to defend herself, but seems to have lost all ability to do so. How does he always know when something is wrong? How does he always know what to do?
Kyungsoo tilts his head slightly and continues to speak gently. “I coincidentally met Prof Park just now while going to my lecture and he told me about you going to meet him, after asking me if I knew of what happened,” he says, then nods at her. “Just rant to me. You’ll feel better. It can be about anything. Prof, results, the nice boy who keeps lending you notes...”
Kyungsoo’s voice fades off, and she takes a deep breath. “Honestly I’m surprised I’m not upset to the point where I’m crying. But now that I’m thinking about that awful zero again it feels like death,” Jooyoung admits, twiddling with her fingers. “I’m trying to tell myself it’s okay but... yeah, I can’t convince myself of that.”
He looks at her for a moment with an expression she cannot decipher, then stands up and walks to the edge of the food hall, where it is facing out of campus. Jooyoung watches him in curiosity. Then he positions his two hands around his mouth and shouts into the open air, shocking her completely.
“Screw the grading system!” He turns to look at her and smiles, before whipping his body back around. "Assignments are mere burdens!"
Jooyoung can’t help but burst out laughing. This is one of the most absurd and random things she’s seen Kyungsoo do (besides buying six pairs of the dumb khakis just because of their cheap price). But for some reason, she so wants to do it.
So she does. She leaps up from her seat and stands right beside Kyungsoo.
“Zero is just another number!” She shouts.
“Psychology is more than reports and essays!”
“Grades don’t matter!” Jooyoung shouts this time, and strangely she feels herself believing in what she says. Is this another psychological response to something she did? She doesn’t know, but it’s cool and she feels so good.
“They’re unnecessary!”
“Woohoo!”
“Yeah!” Kyungsoo does an awkward fist pump in the air. It doesn’t reach very high.
Jooyoung imitates his awkward fist pump, then laughs. And then she can’t remember why she felt like she was dying just for a split second. And the Han Jooyoung of five years old finds herself again, just for a short while.
Her obsession with good grades, despite her lazy and easily-stressed personality, started since ages and ages ago, when Gangnam Style hadn’t even been released yet, and she still carried her bus pass on a lanyard around her neck because her mother was afraid she would lose it. She was young, her hair stuck to her face like a shield from the ugly, and she never thought of neatening it, nor brushing it away.
Jooyoung’s Sundays were always spent at her grandmother’s house. There, relatively far from Seoul, she would run around chasing the old dog there for fun (and give it lots of hugs after) as well as binge on her grandmother’s corn bread. It was always soft, fluffy, and warm.
And like all other children, besides corn bread and old dogs, Jooyoung loved her family to bits and pieces.
Jooyoung especially loved snuggling up to her grandmother. She liked to touch the frayed ends of her skirt and feel the veins on the back of her hands. And she liked to smell the scent of red bean everywhere on her grandmother’s hair.
“Grandma, I drew this picture for you!” Jooyoung exclaimed one day, bounding onto her lap. She pointed at the large figure in the middle of the paper, then clarified just in case she didn’t know, “This is you.”
“Thank you, Jooyoung.” Her grandmother took a long glance at the drawing as she held it in her hand.
Having nothing else to say, she wanted to leap off her lap and eat more corn bread, but Jooyoung felt something was missing. And then she realised. “I love you the most, Grandma!” She exclaimed, feeling everything coming to completion just then. She never left her grandmother’s lap without saying that. And she meant every single word of it.
She bounded to the dining table and tiptoed, reaching out for the corn bread. It smelt so good, and she couldn’t wait to eat. But just as she was about to grab a piece her mother carried her away without explanation. Her eyes looked strangely guilty and sheepish as they looked at Jooyoung.
“Jooyoung, I’ll buy some other snacks for you on the way home, okay? Don’t keep eating this,” her mother said, using the voice she used only to placate Jooyoung — a high-pitched, overly happy tone.
“But why?” Her mother had done this last week too, and the week before, and before that as well. But she's never looked this worried.
“Jooyoung...”
“I like Grandma’s corn bread the most! I don’t want other snacks!” She pouted. She didn’t understand. Why did she have to stop eating when there were still so many on the table?
“Grandma doesn’t like you eating so many and not leaving them for Hansol.” Hansol was Jooyoung’s only male cousin — a boy two years younger than her who, in her opinion, was useless because every time he came he just whined and made a big ruckus.
So Jooyoung pointed at the plate indignantly. “But there’re so many left! And Hansol doesn’t even like corn bread!”
“Grandma, well... thinks Hansol should be fed more. She’s just caring for him.”
“Doesn’t Grandma care about me as well?”
Her mother’s face looked constipated, and she pursed her lips before cocking her head at Jooyoung, as if she didn’t know what to say. “She does! But, mmm... you know how you prefer some Disney Princesses to others? Although you love them all?”
“Just like how I love Snow White the most but I also love Belle?”
Her mother seemed relieved. “Yup! Just like that.” Her eyes darted around for a second, then met Jooyoung’s again. “So, Grandma likes boys more than girls. Just a little bit more. But it’s because Grandma’s mom and Grandma’s mom’s mom and all the moms before that also were the same. So it’s not her fault.”
"But I hate boys. Girls are better."
"You and Grandma are two different people," her mother said softly.
Jooyoung could feel tears welling up in her eyes. “Grandma doesn’t love me the most? But I love her the most.”
“She still loves you,” her mother said, but Jooyoung’s attention was lost by the sight of Hansol bounding into the kitchen, shouting. Her grandmother materialised at the door, then spread out her arms to give Hansol a big embrace.
Her grandmother never initiated cuddles. Not with Jooyoung.
She didn’t insist on the corn bread anymore.
And from that day on she didn’t see her Sundays at her grandmother’s house the same.
What she only realised when she was slightly older and began to feel not just the gooey fluffy stuff, was that her grandmother was just letting her snuggle up to her. It was perhaps a sense of obligation on her grandmother’s part, her conscience that told her she had to placate her granddaughter.
And when Jooyoung climbed onto her lap out of habit, her skirt didn’t feel so soft anymore. Her veins became uncomfortable to touch. The smell of red bean wasn’t as comforting. And her corn bread wasn’t as nice as how Jooyoung remembered it.
Jooyoung slowly began to see the difference between girls and boys in the Han household.
She didn’t see the bright, toothy smile that always appeared when Hansol snuggled up to her. She didn’t see drumsticks on her plate of food like on Hansol’s. She didn’t realise, maybe because she was too busy shouting in happiness, that her grandmother only called for her grandson when they both arrived at the house at the same time. (The only time her grandmother called for her is to ask her to get the newspapers from the mailbox, biscuits for Hansol, or food for the dog.)
So all Jooyoung could do was run up to her mother, who looked pained every time, and cry.
“What can I do to make Grandma love me more?” She asked through her dribble and tears one day. She missed the feeling of thinking that her Grandma loved her the same. Now she couldn’t get it back until this really was the case.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to do anything. You can’t. We’re in Korea,” her mother merely said softly, like that would explain anything.
Her brain was going into overdrive. Through tears she tried to come up with ideas in desperation. She wanted her grandmother to love her. She didn’t ask to be loved the most anymore. She just wanted to be loved the same.
“I’ll dress prettily. No, I’ll dress like a boy. Would grandma like that?” She babbled. “I’ll cut off all my hair when I go home and practice screaming over cars like Hansol.”
“Jooyoung...”
“Or-Or I’ll bring home lots of money and buy Grandma a big house. With a big yard and a pool and spa rooms and three televisions.”
“Jooyoung, you don’t have to-“
“I’ll study hard!” She exclaimed, crying. She used all her might to grip onto her mother's shirt as she let her tears flow freely. “I’ll study so hard and be top of the school and make Grandma so proud and then she will love me the same as Hansol, even though I’m a girl.”
Her mother was silent. Jooyoung took that as consent.
Hence Jooyoung, from that day onwards, studied extremely hard. Her new goal was to be top among her group of friends. And then after she achieved it, top in the class. And after that, to graduate as valedictorian of the school.
She did it. And although her grandmother had passed away before she graduated high school, the studying, the competitive streak, the wanting to be only the very best, had stuck as a habit, and become part of Jooyoung.
She’s lazy, yes. She has a habit of procrastinating, yes. But at the end of the day she gets over these and gets what she wants.
So Jooyoung won’t settle for anything less than a top university in Korea, High Distinctions for all her classes, and graduating with first class honours.
But today, Jooyoung feels liberated for the first time. She’s forgotten how it feels like not to want to be the best at everything, and man, it feels good. She laughs at Kyungsoo, who is still shouting (this time, random things) out of campus.
“Domino’s Pizza!” He shouts. Jooyoung thinks he has a screw loose. The gaming during lessons must have gotten to his brain. But it’s okay, everyone goes a little crazy sometimes. Crazy is good, she decides.
“I feel free!” She exclaims, throwing her hands up in the air.
a/n: okie wanted to kinda explain the situation at jooyoung’s grandma’s house: so yes she’s being ist and yes, it’s so wrong to show favouritism based on gender when they’re all her grandchildren (!!) but i guess it’s east asian culture to kinda favour boys over girls esp the older generation bc they’re so accustomed to being in a patriarchal society. there’re many other reasons for this but it’s too long to explain here -- culture is one complicated thing hahaha. i tried to make this as real as possible and i for one know it should be, because my maternal grandma is almost like jooyoung’s grandma (except she doesn’t make corn bread hehe) and well, my mom, sis and i have been at the brunt of her favouritism for ages we’ve gotten used to it oops. but i guess we don’t exactly blame her... it’s not her fault, she’s a girl too and must have been treated as such and that’s why.
oH WOW WHAT A LONG A/N SORRY HAHA but at least yes! this explain's jooyoung's personality
I OWED SO MANY OF YOU REPLIES i’m so sorry!! just replied to everyone i hadn’t replied to aaa but i hope everyone’s having a great 2019 so far! i think it’ll take a while before my next story because of circumstances.... but i promise i’ll be back :”)
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