i should've posted this on april 1st tbh

Yixing had been living a very domestic life for almost three years with two broke boys when his almost forgotten past finally caught up to him in the form of an old friend.

Sehun never had anything interesting in his life until that fateful night when he decidedly lent a helping hand to a hired killer and let his life be turned upside down, arguably for the better.

In the midst of all this, Jongin just wanted to love his hyung and his best friend and be loved in return.

Stretching and letting out an obnoxious moan, Kai looks at her work with a satisfied smile and then grunts, “This is such .” She’s never going to post this little blurb. It’ll just sit in her (very organized) Google Drive for eternity and collect virtual dust with the other unfinished alternate universes and half-developed plots.

It’s 3 a.m. and most people are sleeping. However, Kai is not ‘most’ people. She is one of the rare, tortured, ed up people—a fanfic writer. Therefore, she shoots up from her bed at 2 a.m. on some nights to pound furiously at her Mac even though her brain isn’t quite functioning properly (but then again, when is it?) to write about her muses.

Done letting out her brain diarrhea of feels, she climbs back into bed. After all, she’s a proper adult with a job that requires being up in the morning (to go and sit in an office and get paid to secretly read fanfiction.)

If only her fics can come to life and ing write themselves…

Her eyelids flutter, feeling the full weight of life.

There’s a weird light in her room. Maybe the sun’s rising? Maybe it’s an alien invasion?

She can’t quite keep her eyes open because she’s suddenly so damn tired. Right before they fall closed, she thinks she sees the Mac flicker on.

With a grunt, Sehun pushes himself out of the screen. He shakes his head and lets some of the pixie dust fall from his blond hair.

“Hey, hey, help a bro out!” calls a slightly distorted voice.

Rolling his eyes, Sehun reaches out. Fingers clasp around his wrist and another boy emerges from the Mac screen.

“I’m here to meet Yixing,” Sehun mutters. “Why are you here?”

“Didn’t you read? I just want to be loved,” Jongin whined. “I’m so soft and needy.”

Sehun rolls his eyes. “Ugh. I swear you’re in every AU.”

Right on cue, a different university version of Sehun and Jongin fall out of the sky.

“At least your Jongin is your roommate and is supposed to be here,” the newly arrived Sehun complains after collecting himself. “Mine is supposed to only be living in my webcam.”

“Your ty webcam, by the way,” the Jongin in question says. “And I do appear.”

“But has Kai gotten to that point yet? No!” Sehun shoots back.

The first very minimally developed Jongin grumbles, “I wish Kai will write more. I want to feel my body. And other bodies too, to be honest.”

The Sehun from the same AU adds, “The beta’s not any better. Makes me aual as if I want to be like her.”

The other pair of Sehun and Jongin continue arguing.

“Why am I always stuck with you?”

“Why don’t you complain about Luhan? Is it because he’s pretty?”

“Eww, no! I need to get away from him too!”

The first Sehun finally cuts into the conversation. “Hey, my Luhan is dangerous and can actually kill me. Yours is just a homophobic gay in denial, so stop complaining.”

“Oof!”

The man in question tumbles out of the cloud storage that is Google Drive. He tidies himself up and latches onto the Sehun closest to him. “I just saw the prettiest girl!”

“Was it Kim Minseok in a fuzzy sweater?” Sehun replies dryly.

A third Sehun walks out slowly. He’s better dressed and has better hair than the others but he looks oh-so-tired. A Luhan follows him but they don’t acknowledge each other.

“At least you guys have an Yixing. Mine is in a different country and I’m only with him in flashbacks.” The idol Sehun sighs. “I hate non-AU. I hate real life. It’s so depressing.”

There’s a chorus of sighs—almost a symphony. Then the first Jongin whispers, “Speak of the devil.”

Yixing steps out of the cloud storage nimbly. Gazing at the various Sehuns, Jongins, and Luhans, he groans, “Honestly? Can Kai get another muse? Anyone but this pale skinny and his annoying friends?”

Offended cries come from all directions but Yixing continues, “I’d rather be with Kris or even Junmyeon goddammit.”

Idol Sehun sniffs. “Well, in that case, I’d take Luhan over you any day!”

“Hey, bro, I have a girlfriend now. Her name’s Guan Xiaotong.”

“I have a girlfriend too!” university-Luhan pipes up.

“His name’s Kim Minseok and he’s a guy!” Sehun growls, exasperated. “Stop misgendering him, you insensitive .”

Jongin tsks. “Kai was right when she told her beta she’d want to punch Luhan in the face.”

The various Sehuns snort but the least developed one stops and stares at Yixing.

“Which AU are you from?” he asks. “You look…fleshy.”

At that comment, Yixing grins and flexes his muscles. It’s true—he definitely looks more solid and stronger than the others.

“A completed fic.”

All the others frown—confused and jealous.

One asks, “Where’s your Sehun then?”

The grin widens into a shark’s smirk and Yixing his lips.

Idol-Luhan, smarter than the others, widens his eyes in horror and gasps. “You-you’re the one who tainted Samsa. You’re the-the-”

A Sehun yelps belatedly. “Cannibal!”

Yixing charges.

The others run for their lives but their underdeveloped limbs are no match. They’re gobbled up as they try jumping into the cloud storage wormhole but the newest pair sprint for the Mac screen.

“Kai!” Sehun yells. “Wuh-wake up! Wake up! Fuh-finish the fic before it’s too lu-late! Buh-before-”

Kai’s eyes snap open. She groggily reaches for her phone and opens WeChat. She types:

I got another fic idea

I HAVE 73487264301 FICS TO WRITE

ok i guess it's not that accurate, like cannibal!xing is supposed to be baekchen apparently but whatever. this is breaking the 6th wall and meta as fck lmao