A feeling you can't describe.
 

I remember the first time I came back to Korea during holidays. I was 7 years old, it was during winter. The wide roads were white, the sky was black and the distant Moon was gray. An intense cold hit my face as soon as I stepped on the hard ground. The white sparkling snow slowly fell in front of my eyes, covering the burgundy duffel coat I was wearing. The snowflakes embellished my black short hair and my breath transformed in mist. My view was suddenly covered by a man in a black suit who pulled me in his warm arms, in front of his wife who was holding a small red hand, my half brother's. Since then, I spent my life traveling between both Japan and South Korea until this summer: now I'm settling here, on my father's land.

"Please introduce yourself to the class."

My first day as a senior high school student in a new school. Or when my expectations met reality. I keep thinking about how much I have been trying to work on my accent when I speak korean, a pretty strong japanese accent coming out of my mouth every time I form a word despite my correct korean. Usually the contrary happens, people tend to have a stronger accent when they get angry or anxious. Well for me, it's the total opposite. In response to my nervousness, I clench my fists and direct towards the desk in front of the assembly.

"Annyeong haseyo. I'm Park Eun Byeol, please take care of me!" My accent is pretty weak this time, still here but weak. Silence fills the classroom for a few seconds.

"There's a place right there, you should take it for the moment." I firmly nod to my teacher and walk to the seat he pointed out.

The last row, fitting 'perfectly' my short height. It should be fine, as the teacher just said, it's for the moment. I sit down and pull out of my bag my notebook and my pencil case when my eyes fall on another blue pen lying on the floor. Next to it, a male student looking around the pages of his notebook, maybe in search of the missing pen. I bend my back and finally put my fingers on the pen before addressing to my neighbor. Breath, Eun Byeol, it's fine. Or not.

"H-Hey! Your pen was on the floor!" I stammered, habits always last right? I extend my arm to him with the item in my hand. "Hey..." After a long silence, my classmate sighs before centering his attention on me without looking at me. This eyes follow my hand and stop on the pen.

"It's not mine. Stop bothering me." a simple answer. The cold and brutal words he has pronounced echoes in my head. A bother?

"Sorry!" I try to smile to not feel affected by his honest but raw answer.


 

My first day at school ended a few hours later. I ended up eating a bento by myself on the rooftop of the school, enjoying the nice view it offered. I haven't talked to any of my other schoolmates, even if we're bound to spend the next months together. They were already having fun together, I felt like I could bother them. I'm not shy but I like to respect other's privacy, moreover we all like having a few moments by ourselves right? 

"So... how was the day?" my half brother Park Jimin asks as he takes a sit next to me on the couch.

"Well, I met a few people, like the janitor, my teachers and a student, sooo... it was good?" beside him, I persuade myself by looking at his eyes, mentally telling him to not ask more. He stops for seconds before answering me.

"Seriously, Eun Byeol I thought you'd never socialize..." he says as he softly pinches my cheek. "I was worried you'd end up by yourself because of that."

"Somehow I feel like I should adjust to them, and it kind of helps me to feel less anxious." I smile as he takes off his fingers of my cheek.

"Don't worry, even though we aren't in the same classroom, I'm still supporting you." He shows me his best eye smile as a sign of support, the best support I received today.

We stay like this for a few minutes, talking and joking around. Jimin and I are the same age, and we're pretty close. We have two different moms, his mother is still married to our father, even if he sincerely loved my mom. She and our dad immediately fell in love 'at first sight' (yeah I know), I was conceived me from their mutual feelings. At that time, Jimin's mother was already dating our father, however because of her social statue she hid her pregnancy from many including him, until she learned about my mom and my dad's relationship. My mom knew they were in couple, nonetheless she couldn't restrain herself anymore from displaying her affection, until she heard about Jimin's mom pregnancy. Hurt, my mom was tormented by remorse, she'd never break a family, especially when she's the one who did wrong. She wanted to move on, but depression slowly got her when the pregnancy test she had was positive. While dad and Mrs Park fixed their problems and received acceptance from their respective families, mom fought in silence by herself against her future. She flew to Japan and moved in Kyoto, where she tried to raise me despite facing financial problems. But a few years later, because of everything and because of me, she left. The crying 4 year old girl and a handwritten letter were under my grandmother's responsibility, who painfully but with open arms accepted the situation. 

Jimin's mom usually treats me well, but we never understand each other. I feel like somehow, she has never been comfortable with me, I might remind her of my mom because of her features, because of those two dark and deep yet beautiful eyes mom gave me, or the small figure I have, shorter than other students and a bit taller than a middle school kid. I will never call her 'mom', I already have a mom and she may be out of sight, but I keep her alive in my heart.
 

TUESDAY

A rough morning: my alarm rang late! I should've used the one on my phone, even if it sometimes bugs. I have to