3:32 AM

It's dark. It's cold. It's silent.

It's lonely.

Lu Han lazily rolls around in his messily scattered blanket and lets out a deep sigh. He brings his blanket to his face and positions himself to be on his back. He's cold. Has it always been this cold? He wonders.

Maybe.

Possibly, it's the darkness that triggers his wave of wistfulness. It could be the moon and stars shining through his window. He could point fingers all night, but he was very conscious of the three pointing back.

He stares at his blank ceiling, giving himself permission to reminisce... anything. He allows himself to explore the vast depth of his memories - ranging from the ones he's repressed or maybe the ones he brings up often to uplift his low spirits. His girlfriend, the moment he debuted after years of hard work and effort, or memories of being with the members he loved and cared for. Or he'll remind himself of his brutal trainee days, the unfair treatment from his company, or possibly the malicious comments online.

If he lets himself venture far enough - down to the deepest, coldest, and isolated island of thought - he might let himself think about his departure. But that's only on the most silent of twilights.

The blank ceiling easily becomes moving pictures of him smiling and being hugged by Sehun and Minseok, Junmyeon giving him a warm hug after he was scolded by their manager, and the sea of bright lights and chanting fans - fans chanting for him. Screaming for him.

That Lu Han is so... different. The same person, the same entity, but life has changed. He's stronger. Brighter. More ready than ever to face life. His life that has taken an unexpected course with new problems and unexperienced joys awaiting him.

But for now, he lets himself be weak - to break just a little. He lets his pain fall in small liquid fragments, as tears. The nostalgic and heartbreaking tears slowly fall. He lets them, but just this once.

One tear for the pain his company caused him. How low his self esteem was because of their treatment.

He allows one tear for them.

One tear for the malicious and rude criticism. He knows, he knows, it's not true. But sometimes, some words just slither in, ready to bite his mentality in the heel. And it always hurts. So. Much.

He allows one tear for them.

One tear for... them. His past members. All eleven of them. He misses Baekhyun's small little snoring when they shared a room. He misses Junmyeon's comforting words when he was going through a slump. He misses Jongin laughing at dumb jokes. He misses Chen's whining. He misses Chanyeol and Minseok's silly antics. He misses Tao constantly crying over stupid movies, Sehun teasing him, Yixing being overly touchy, Yi Fan and Kyungsoo's cold but understanding glances. He misses it all.

It's always so lonely performing alone. Doing everything he used to do with such a large group of people... alone.

But he only lets one sole tear fall. Because.

The vivid images slowly transform back into the bleak and bland darkness of reality, and that darkness soon embraces his vision as he falls quickly into a deep sleep. But in his heart, somewhere very deep and unknown, those bright and lively memories play like a broken record. Again. And again. And again.

But he ignores it. But sometimes he lets himself remember.

Usually when he's lonely.

And tonight's he's lonely.