The day after he left

The day went exactly how it was supposed to be, except he isn't there anymore.

Lunch came and I didn't even bothered to bring food so I fetched my earphones, played some music and tried to sleep the whole lunch time. Well, I tried but peace seems to be a slippery ghost that won’t appear to me at the moment.

Goodbye sleep because someone just tapped my shoulders. And as I looked up I saw Sungyoon and Jangjun.

"Hey" Sungyoon said.

"Oh. Why?" I said looking uninterested with whatever they are going to say. The half of the day I felt uninterested with anything because everywhere I look, I’m reminded of Jaeseok.

"Do you want to eat lunch with us?" Sungyoon offered shyly. It must had been hard for him to approach me because he is not that sociable, and I usually give off this unapproachable aura.

I replied with "I don't have lunch and I'm not hungry." Okay, that sounded so cold but I can’t take it back anymore.

"Oh. But Sungyoon made lots of food for lunch and I think it will be enough for the three of us." Jangjun said with a big smile. In any other day I would have thanked them for their offer but today, everything has changed.

"Uhm. I'm really not hungry." I lied. I'm totally hungry. I haven't eaten breakfast because I have no idea how to prepare one. I forgot how to live without Jaeseok taking care of me. I remembered when I first met him. It was like this too, he offered me some lunch because he prepared too much and I forgot to buy some food on my way to school.

It is still clear to me how everything fit in together smoothly like puzzle pieces being placed one by one to create a whole big picture.

"Do you want some? I noticed you haven't brought anything for lunch. I'm Jaeseok by the way." his smile was so warm and wonderful that I felt like I just found the person whom I will spend my days here at school with.

"Oh. I have bread with me now. I guess I'll just eat this." I look at the bread I'm holding. I did not even make a sandwich. I just brought the whole pack of bread that are stock in my food box.

"That won't do. Here. I made too much and it will be nice to have lunch with someone. I don't know anyone here yet." Jaeseok said handing me a bento type lunch box.

"Oh? You are new too?" I asked.

"Yeah. Just transferred here from Japan. What's your name?" He asked.

"I'm--"

"Hana, are you okay? Hello?" Sungyoon said which got me out of that  flashback daydream.

"Ah. I'm fine. Okay. I'll just eat with you two then." I stood up and followed Sungyoon and Jangjun as they wanted to eat lunch at the rooftop. I tried my best to act normal because I don't want them to ask questions about why am I like this. It's better to fake everything just so I can avoid any awkward questions or anything that can make me start crying in front of other people.

Everything seems to be playing by my plans, I had avoided the talk about Jaeseok until almost the whole lunch time. Not until Jangjun asked Sungyoon about it.

"Sungyoon, do you have any idea why Jaeseok left? I bet he told you something right? I saw you two talk--" Jangjun was cut-off by Sungyoon's death glare and I tried to ignore what happened. I don't know if is it just me or did he tried to avoid the topic because of me. And what is it that Jangjun was about to say?

"Oh. I'm sorry." Janjun stopped talking until we finished lunch. Complete silence befall on us and somehow I felt relaxed and at ease that I can finally let my mind wander off somewhere without thinking of the pain. Well, at least for now.

The day he came back

“He really looks like him.” Joochan said as he watched the Jaeseok’s clone walk away. Yes. He looks the same but everything about him seems to have changed. Or maybe nothing had changed because he is not Park Jaeseok. At least that’s what he said.

Everything about yesterday bugs me until this moment.

There he is, standing a few meters away from me. The three painfully long years seems to have vanished from reality. It was like I was back to the beginning. Back to that day when I was supposed to meet him, celebrate my birthday and confess my feelings for him. He was still the same and nothing from that agonizing three years had prepared me for this.

His eyes that I unintentionally stare at in the past, the eyes that I missed so much are now looking at me. But there was something different. It was not the same loving eyes that I used to know.

He walks towards my direction and I just froze. Frozen, like nothing had ever changed. Frozen, like the pain carefully preserved and awaken just now.

“Excuse me? Are you okay?” He asked. Am I okay? Am I even still alive? Why can’t I find my voice? Why can’t I talk to him?

“You look so pale. And shocked?” Is this even real? I always dreamed of him coming back. Always imagined how he will appear in front of me and make everything okay. But now that it’s happening, I have nothing to do.

“Jaeseok” And that was the last thing I said before I passed out.

“Okay. So tell me what happened. Oh right, Happy Birthday” Joochan said as he took my things out of my hands. I sent out that your-dead-to-me look to Joochan which he receives with this you-know-you-love-me look which we seemed to have practiced through the years. We entered his apartment as it was too cold outside to even stay and talk about the incident.

“So, we planned that I will go to grocery and buy some food for my birthday dinner right? Because I get out of class earlier than you, Sungyoon and Jangjun.” I said waiting for Joochan to get a hint of what happened.

“Okay. Continue.” He sits down like I was about to give the story of my life. Well, it might as well be true if it was really Jaeseok.

“I froze when he approached me. I passed out, woke up in the hospital and he was there. Waiting patiently for me to wake up. He even asked me how I knew his name. I just stared at him, lost with what was happening and how the is it that he seems to have no idea who I am.” Tears were already flowing down my face and Joochan just stared at me, all the excitement lost from his face.

And suddenly the door opened and the loud voice of Jangjun filled the room.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOON HANA!!‼‼ What the hell? Why are you crying?” Jangjun said. He rushed towards me and hugged me. Sungyoon was right behind him with some groceries (a lifesaver indeed) which he almost dropped as I burst into a bawl as soon as Jangjun hugged me.

“What the?” Sungyoon said.

“He’s back. Or well, at least his clone is here.” Joochan answered and it seems like Sungyoon understood everything.

“What? Who? What are you talking about Joochan?” Jangjun remains oblivious to the elephant in the room. Then realization dawned in his face and said “Oh. Is this? He who must not be named?”

I choked as I stopped a laughter from coming out of my mouth. It was a joke Jangjun made for me. He realized after a few months after Jaeseok left that the name Jaeseok can make me cry instantly so he made this He who must not be named as his nickname considering I love Harry Potter so much.

“Ugh. Stop it Jangjun. That’s not funny anymore.” I said.

“But you are laughing.” Jangjun said.

“Jangjun, don’t.” Sungyoon said. He’s the only who has the sense about being serious for this kind of situation.

“Okay.” I continued. “As I was saying, he waited for me to wake up and offered me a ride home when everything was checked out to be okay.” I looked at Jangjun who was about to interrupt and said “Ugh, asked Joochan about the other details. I don’t want to repeat myself.”

“Anyways, it’s my birthday. And we got plans right?” I added. Everyone knew that I just ended any opportunity for them to asked about Jaeseok’s clone and that because it was my birthday, everyone seems to follow everything that I say.

We started cooking and watched some movies while enjoying the meals we prepared and the three of my friends have surprised me with cake and some gifts which made me happy but I still can't get my mind off of that Jaeseok clone

"Oh, you're awake now. I'm sorry if you feel weird about me staying but you really looked paled and about to pass out a while ago, which you actually did by the way. Which explains why I brought you to the hospital." Jaeseok said. Or should i say his clone.

"You really don't know me?" I asked.

"Uhm. Should i know you?" He asked like he was a clueless child.

"I guess not." I said looking at my fingers and cracking my fingers. This mannerism got me through years of anxiety and now I am so anxious about what is happening that no amount of finger cracking can calm down my nerves.

"But you seem to know my name." He said and his face seems to register genuine curiousity.